Marriage thoughts?

What is your opinion about the big 'M' word? 

That's right. In this post, I'm going to post about my thoughts on marriage and the things that comes with it. Right now, it's all I can do not to call my mum right now and tell her that I want to get engaged to Ange as soon as time allows me to get married. But I am afraid of being further from my family than I am already are. 

I know what comes with marriage. Financial independence (and I don't mean that as a good thing), emotional dependence, living together, and all sorts of things. We have to make a lot of compromises and stuffs like that. The way I put it may not make me seem very mature. But I can assure you, I know very well what a marriage entails. It also comes with being separated from my family, and as much as I want marriage, I'm very very scared of that happening to me.

My posts these few days won't make sense. So I ask you to pardon me. It will be stopping half way here and there due to my lack of perseverance in writing something long winded. 

Angry bursts...

Have you ever just felt like people look down upon you when you try to join in something that they're in? Have you ever felt like you just don't belong somehow, and there is no point trying to justify that you do belong? Have you ever felt like you want to have something superior, just so they take what they're thinking of and shove it up their tight arses? Call it pride, ego or whatever you choose to put it as. But regardless, it sucks when people are just being jackasses, whether they have a mental condition or not is not a consideration. Enough excuses are being made for this person and to be honest, I've had it.

For one moment just now, I wished that I could have telekinesis, or the ability to orb things. Seriously it would do me a lot of good. For one thing, so long I keep it a secret, I can mess things up for people in a way they won't know how. Things upturned, objects thrown around. And I can imagine it will be a very good pressure reliever, one closing of the fist and the stuff in that person's room gets destroyed, messed up and thrown about, ahhh...the satisfaction.

Pity all this can only be in my head. If only magic exists. It'll rub that stupid stare of that kid's face before the magician can say 'alakazam'. 

I'm just that way...

University has started once again and I find myself having issues with letting go / getting off the car after a date with Ange. I found my heart tugging whenever I know I have to leave him for a while. And to be honest, it's more painful than I've ever felt. 

After 5 days of being used to seeing him every morning when I wake up and before I sleep at night, I have developed a strong fondness of having him around me. I talked to him, cried to him...I pretty much spent my 5 days 100% with him or waiting for him. I really felt at home. I miss home, so being able to find a second home for my heart is a thing that I appreciate very much. I was sick for the past 5 days, still am. *coughs*. Ange has been the one taking care of me, watching over me, concerning over me. It was the most continuous love I have felt from him to date. 5 days in a row, 5 days of asking me 'are you okay?'s, 5 days of love, 5 days of care (although I know the care continues, but 5 continuous days is something that I take pride in having), 5 continuous days of caresses and hugs and kisses and pats when I get violent coughs. It's one of the best things among the many that has happened to me in my life. 5 days of continuous love felt, and it has made me craving for more of it. Addiction is a deadly thing, regardless of what we have, but what about addiction to love???

Craving for more love when we're not married is like a double edged sword. In a sense, love is supposed to increase. The fact that I want more continuous loving days like that is a sign that my love for him is deepening, which is a good thing in its own right. But on the other hand, it also means that the tugging I feel in my heart whenever he drops me off at the room I stay for heading to classes gets stronger and stronger and more painful every single time, it makes it harder to pull away from his embrace, his warm hugs and kisses, just because it is not obligated for me to live with him, not yet.  

When I saw that he was tired (and not to mention that old geezer who chased us off the front of his gate - I stay right beside you bozo!), I told myself I have to suck it up and just accept that I have to wait to see him again. I did manage to pull away, but dammit, you can't imagine the pain I felt. I'm not trying to be dramatic here. I am describing what I'm exactly feeling at that moment of time. I wanted to cry. It's not the literal pain of stabbing myself in the heart, but I can say it's the figurative pain of that sentence. I felt the same, if not stronger pain on the day before I had to leave home. But I supposed when love of the gender comes into play, the feelings tend to seem a lot more stronger, because our heart isn't used to it from young. 

Immediately I turned depressed. Dammit I could feel the depression trickling slowly over my heart. It got to the point of me telling myself "let the depression begin", in one hell of a sarcastic tone, and I am not crapping you. I want to connected to him, to his love and care for me, constantly. I wanted to know, if I'm going away for the day, at least when I come back home he will be there. He says just pretend that it's an extended time. It's not possible, not for me at least. 

He's probably not going to feel anything. Patience, perhaps, plays a role in this. I am not patient. But then again, it is more to the thought of knowing that I have to be away from him for long moments of time that is killing me right now. I'm sitting here thinking that I already have to leave home, a place where love is always felt. Now I can't even be in a place where I can feel the same, if not a similar thing from the person I that love. Breaking down doesn't even cut it to describe what am I feeling now. And I don't even know what can I say to him. 

With Ange being a touch person, being physically there is about the only way that I can personally feel it. Call me a person who can't be independent if you like, to be honest, I don't care. Anyone would appreciate being able to feel love all the time. I'm not the type to take it for granted even after a long time I can assure you. Extended periods only makes my feelings stronger. So what's wrong with wanting to be with my loved ones? Nothing. Screw the book, now this is the real chicken soup for the soul: feeling loved. 

Down to Earth instead of floating in the clouds

Hello again. 

Today, I've tried really hard to go into new groups of people, to make new friends. Of course, having a second identity worked a little better for me knowing that even if I screw up, people won't know who I am. Even if I screw that up (God forbid that from happening - Amen.), I just have to create another persona and just start again. Thing about having more than one identity is that people don't know who is the real you, due to the fact that in that particular world, you rarely meet the person within. 

But then I realised something. I was trying a little too hard to blend in, when in the first place, what I wanted wasn't to just blend in. I was thinking to myself that seeing as my own worlds don't really accept who I am, might as well try being a part of another world. In a way, it is a good idea. It's a new source of friends for me. And it gives me something to do when Ange goes to one of these things for performances. I get to make a bunch of friends (virtual or no) without having to worry about whether they'll be okay with the real me, seeing as I probably won't be showing them the real me within, figuratively speaking or no. 

However, what Callum had said to me a few months ago struct my memory. Be in a different world from the person you are with. It makes it easier to come up with things to talk about (ironically, being in the same world means you go through the same things, which in turn means less things to tell each other about), and just in case of anything, perhaps if the beau is busy, you would have another world for you to be busy in. To me, having another world meant that I could be independent when I wanted to. When you and your beau belong in two different worlds, or perhaps more, it means when you are known in your own world, you are holding your own, without help of the beau.

I don't want to think that I'm trying to get into this new world just to be closer to him. I don't need to do that for it to happen. When I decided to go into the world, I wanted to do it without the beau's help, so that people won't look at me and go 'oh isn't that who who who's girlfriend who started this and that because her boyfriend helped out?'. Probably this is all just my thinking too much, people probably don't think that way anyway, let alone thinking that it's a bad thing. But I think it's just the independent streak in me. If I want to be known, I want to be known as myself (technically), not as someone else's someone. 

I stopped myself from 'blending in' so much when I realised something. I wanted to retain the real me, instead of trying so hard to maintain another identity in another world. In that world, I am this person. But in this world, I am Kaitlyn Emily Summers. The sense of Western and Eastern gives me a sense of difference in my heart. Here, I am English. There...well...who knows who am I. Even I'm not so sure of that yet. It's only my first day trying after all. I have a lot of identities in my head. Perhaps after this, I'll be spending a lot of time telling myself that being Kaitlyn in this world keeps me grounded instead of being another person in that world. 

Knowing that I have taken that first step today, that has made me proud. I was afraid of many things, of people's negativity especially. I was still going against every suggestion that my friend Cherry B and also Ange has given me, just because I was insecure of myself stepping into a new world. Today, I stepped. I may have tried a little harder than usual, but I'm proud of myself that I was willing to take that first step. Now, with a toe into the other world and the rest of me being Kaitlyn here, I think I can be pretty happy. I'm happier being Kaitlyn, I always have been. I guess all I wanted to know is that I have the option of being someone else should I need to be for a while. 

Negativity and the negatives

I am protective. And I've just realised that I wasn't like this before. Is it because of the bullying in my past that made me change into this negative self-protective person that other people try to avoid being my friend? Am I not worth being someone's friend?

Callum was right. We really have to have other friends other than the beau. Gives more drama to talk about other than the technical stuff. And yet, when I look at myself, I know that I am negative about things a lot. I don't like it when people are / make it seem that they are better than me. I just have a habit of giving the opposite opinion. If other people are positive about something, I tell them something negative about it to balance things out, and vice versa. But when it comes to people of the past who looked down on me, who bullied me, who just put front the image of themselves being better than other people, sometimes it makes me feel resentful. I feel like as if they don't deserve the image that they portray. 

There are people who just exudes a certain aura that shows their status, but without being snobby or without being show off-ish. Those are the people that really deserves to be where they are. They don't try to show their superiority, they just exude that particular aura that makes me feel very impressed.

Alas, those people are very rare nowadays. In my whole life I've only seen a few who are like that, worth being impressed about. When it comes to those who purposely want to show off, I immediately have a certain judgement about them. Granted, we should not judge. But this is something that I cannot help. I utterly dislike those people who has once done me wrong, or has ever given me a bad impression. Even if they've changed to be a better person, I cannot help but to continue to resent them. We shouldn't judge people by their past, true. But that's only possible if what they did in their past does not include you. 

Would you forget a bully if you were bulllied by them once before? Even if they changed into a saint, you'll find yourself maybe able to forgive them, but never being able to forget. And since the people who did me wrong once before didn't become saints, safe to say that I still haven't forgiven them. They're don't deserve the forgiveness. You can say that they don't care anyway, and not forgiving them is just harming myself. But I cannot find it in myself to forgive them. They really just don't deserve it. 

Because of all that, I'm almost negative by nature. People around me are so positive that I always give the opposite opinion anyway. Is it because of this that friends seem to shy away from me? Or at least, if not shy, they don't remember me when they think of friends? 

Granted, it is safer to keep my opinions to myself. My friend Edward said once, it is safer to not say anything so that people won't have anything to put against you. Ange has that principal too. Alas, I'm not a person who can keep anything inside myself. I've learnt when I was a child that if you kept anything to yourself, nothing good will come out of it. You'll just suffer more. Either the bullies will continue to do what they will, or the idiots will continue to become idiots. So why not tell them that they're being idiots? They won't like it? So what? If they don't listen, isn't it their own folly? 

These are the few questions that I ask myself constantly from time to time. Why don't we tell people who are idiots that they are idiots? Why do we keep things to ourselves to save our butts and to continue to watch people be idiots? When I say idiots, I mean those who are trying to make themselves look like hoes, those who join in things because they just want to be popular, and so on. 

*sigh*

I also get jealous very easily in certain cases, but usually the first time is with a very valid reason. Anytime after that, because my mechanism recognizes that this person has done me wrong once (whether they themselves know it or not), especially when they've never apologized, my heart continues to want to be negative towards this person, even if it's is for a simple reason, rational one or not. And it irritates me further when the person I tell this negativity to, supports that person. Inside my head, my subconscious must be screaming : "why can't you see that this person doesn't deserve your praises???!! Why can't you be on my side for a change????!!!! Why must you be a freaking pacifist????!!!"

Cruel...and unreasonable, I know. I have that side of me. But as I've said, it is something that we cannot help. Edward once said to me, intelligently, we know what we're supposed to do. We know where the boundaries are supposed to be set. We try our best to fend off what people deem is bad and negative. But emotionally, when the feelings come, they will come. We cannot stop them, neither can we tell them to go away. It is something that we humans cannot help but to follow. How true...

So what do I do? 

I miss being home...

In a blink of an eye, it's already 2 weeks to school reopen for me. I really don't know what to feel actually. I really want the holidays to drag. For one reason I can actually have a reason to go up to KL again: because I still have a LOONNNGGGG holiday ahead of me. But now, with only 2 weeks left, one contemplates on whether it's worth the trip when I'm going to be back there in 2 weeks anyway. Being able to spend time with my family should be the key point at the moment. I'm at the position where I really want to spend time with my family, especially my parents, as much as I can, and I also want to see Ange again. 

Tomorrow I'm going to run with my cousin. With only 2 weeks left in my chances to sleep late and I'm 'wasting' it by deciding to go jog around with le cousin. Every part of me is screaming at me "are you crazy???!"...heh. After tomorrow then I'll stay lazy until school starts. =w=

Thinking back to my old self, I've realised how much I've actually changed over the years. From a girl who had the opinion that friends were over family, I have now become a person who puts family above everything, my parents in particular. Then comes le beau and then le friends. I feel like I know the real important people in my life now. God bless my family...and also Ange. =) The rest, to be honest, can just take a number until when I am actually bothered to care about them. They've never given me much of their time of day, some of them do, but most of them don't, even when I did. So I don't see the point of making them any sort of priority. They're the options.

When I marry in the future, I want to be able to stay somewhere really really near to my parents. I really wouldn't mind staying here in my hometown. For one thing, I would be available for my family whenever I'm needed. And I'm able to visit my parents every weekend like mama does now. I guess it's only the job problem that I've got to worry about. My hometown isn't exactly booming with new businesses. But I guess it's a topic that I can only think about when the time comes. 

TV dilemma

I just finished watching the whole Season 1 of Perception and I'm wondering now if it's a good idea. *laughs* I was looking forward to watching it on the TV, you know, the excitement of having a real TV schedule to stick to? It's one of the things that I miss, especially when I'm in uni, there's no TV to watch, there's no shows to look forward to. There's only the laptop where I download shows that I know of and watch them. I don't get to be introduced to new shows, like Perception now. I will only be stuck to the ones I already know of. *sigh* 

This is why I prefer to be at home, one of the reasons anyway. Being able to watch TV is one of the freedom that I always associated with being at home. Of course there's nothing to watch in the daytime usually, but during the nighttime the shows on 8TV really isn't so bad, like Perception and the Mentalist (that I'm now currently trying to follow every week religiously). Who ever said following TV shows are bad? It just gives me something to look forward to every week. And trust me, with me having not much to do at night but to stay in front of the laptop in my room, an excuse to go out and spend time with my family is much appreciated, although I know some of you may say that I don't need a reason to spend time with them. True, I don't need one. But having one is appreciated all the same. 

I'm downloading the Perception Season 2's episode 7 and 8 now. I'm hoping to be able to resist watching it until I head to uni in three weeks. I miss Ange so much, but I have a feeling I'll be missing my family even more when I get back to uni. Give and take I guess. I wonder if I want to head to the Animagaki event that he will be performing in. My cousin's driving up there on Friday, I could stay until Sunday if I wanted to. I'm sure my mum would let. But to be honest, although I really want to see my man do what he does on stage, I don't want to lose any 'at home with family' time more than I will next time. I will be able to see Ange perform again. There will be that chance. But there might not be such a long holiday again for me to be with my family...and really, I don't want to waste what I have. So I guess I'm staying home.

Although, sad fact is, I'm so fickle that I change my thoughts a lot sometimes...

But I really feel that I should stay home. As mama said (a lot to me these few weeks - which makes sense), enjoy your holiday. Boy, I haven't heard that sentence in a loong loooooong while, I can assure you. I've never been allowed to sleep in this late before (naturally waking up is just so awesome). And I'm not about to stop that now.

_(:3」∠)_

Hormones and depression...just a little.

What is it with hormones that makes my mood go up and down and up and down? Seriously I hate having periods, period! (no pun intended)...

This is one of the days where I felt extremely content an hour ago, and upon seeing that Ange's out with Mr. Practical and probably won't have time for me, my mood turned a little for the worse. Where's my empathy of understanding, you ask? Oh, it's right here, in my head. It's telling me that he needs his time with his friends and all that and he can't cater to my every whim every time. Yeah I know that. I just can't help but to feel depressed that's all. Probably the hormones. (Hormones inside me are probably going : "yeah yeah, blame everything on us *grumbles* nobody gives us any credit". Well, if you want credit, quit making people depressed!!!)

I'm not sure why but I just don't feel too serene. I have nothing on my mind to worry about, 'cept for the idiotic landlord and chief tenant's lack of courtesy that's pissing me off. Otherwise, I'm perfectly serene, with just a splash of depressed emotions in the heart. 

The mind has no control over the heart. It's as if both my brain and my heart works together at the same time, one of the main reasons why although I have empathy, I constantly struggle with myself and my decisions. Empathy and irrationality works together hand-in-hand, making clashing decisions to think and feel different at every chance they get. As if my hormones aren't doing enough to my emotions once every month (hormones: "quit blaming us will you?!" ; Me: " yeah yeah yeah...*scoffs*").

Sometimes, the heart in me likes to tell people that take him away from me (temporarily - obviously). People like his college people (uni stuff), his friends (normal case), even his anime-s and games (yes I'm that crazy...). My heart's telling me to be selfish sometimes when it comes to him, it's just that I don't really...do too much of what my heart tells me (anyone at this point might sigh in relief). Unless there is no conditions where following my heart doesn't give bad consequences, following my mind (aka Miss Rationality the Empathy Department of Brain Inc.) has always been the way to go, to avoid others being mad at me. 

Heh...what do I know right now, right? I'm just depressed...

Glamour: Le self or le cosplaying self?

Now this is a topic that I find very interesting. Why do people want to be somebody else? I stumbled upon a friend's Facebook site and saw the grouping of profiles in the 'friends' category that interested me. There is was, Miss Shirley and her cosplaying persona side by side, though I wonder how many people actually know that they are both of the same person. 

I looked at their profile pictures and I saw that, evidently, the cosplaying profile was more glamorous than her normal persona. And thus is why she maintained her cosplaying profile more than the normal one. Interesting how people want to be someone else. I'm don't condemning, don't get me wrong. I envy that they are able to do that. Actually, I envy that they have the budget to do that. If I could, I would love to dress up as somebody else, getting all the attention and adoration without people actually knowing it's me. It's some sort of a freedom that not many people can or want to have.

I love (good) attention. Sure, I do. But I don't want attention as myself, cause I have this issue with being too self-conscious, which is where my empathy comes from (ironically). Call it a clash of character. But it is easier to adore getting attention when we're not ourselves. Because we won't be judged for wanting attention. 

Hmmm....this is just a short train of thought. Not much to write about really...

A message to the loved ones...

There were a lot of embarrassing moments that happened in my teenage years, especially when it came to boys. I had a crush on this guy once, Elliot. He was, at that time, the most popular guy in my hometown, even among the 5 famous schools. I got to know him through my closest girlfriend at the time, who was (again, at the time - how things changed) his godsister. She was freaking out about talking to him and asked me for help to do the communications work. I did a lot of that for her back then, and got to know a lot more people that I probably shouldn't have known for my own good. Ah well, let bygones be bygones. 

Now, Elliot's life has always been drama-worthy. I'm guessing by the look of his Facebook, that hasn't changed that much either. But back then, it freaked me out that I could be talking to him. The friendly tomboy who doesn't know a spec of boys in her early puberty years was talking to the most popular guy in town. If you were me back then, most of you probably wouldn't feel any different. A lot of girls dream to be close to the popular guy one time or another in our lives. 

Then came Elliot's birthday. I come from a normal (and loving) family where gifts that were handmade are (still) very much appreciated. The heart shaped pillow I made for papa when I was 8 years old is still in his drawer I think. And seeing as I didn't have much budget for an expensive gift, I opted to give Elliot something I thought was more meaningful (to me), a bottle of stars and a couple of handmade flowers. I know what're you going to say. He's a guy, receiving flowers (especially at the age of puberty) pretty much spelled geek. I made them, put them in a bigger box and handed to that close friend of mine to give it to him. 

I later found out that he opened the presents in front of everybody. I'm not sure whether this is in my head or it really happened, but I have a certain memory of knowing that a few girls actually laughed at what I gave him. Sounds very typical, isn't it? Needless to say though, I was embarrassed. I wrote what I could in my diary (I didn't have a blog back then) and locked it in the deepest chasm I could find in the house: my bedside drawer.

I shudder to think if I ever should take and read back the part of 13th of August. Yes, I still remember the date, very clearly. It was a moment that I really do not want to recall and yet can't help but to. This makes me think that sometimes, when a person is used to receiving expensive gifts, no matter how bad being materialistic is, it is hard to give them anything else that meant spending less than what they're used to receiving. Just to give you an example, at the moment, Hugo Boss perfumes is his cheapest gift yet. Note the 's'. 

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

I'm a person who loves to make handmade things. It makes me feel like I'm making more of an effort into the gift. One of my main love languages is receiving gifts. It makes me happy to receive one and to give one in return. I think I spend half my yearly allowance back in puberty time on sending Chinese New Year and Mooncake festival packages to people all around my hometown. And it made me happy when the same people have the courtesy (?) or the initiative (?) to send one back to me. It was the sign of a close friendship for me, as materialistic as that sounds. 

So as a result, I have made it some sort of an obligation for the people that I'm close with to give me something for birthdays, anniversaries, special days and so on. Some people might think that I just love presents. True. I do love them. I love something that I can keep, use, or hold onto. But it is the people who give me the presents that mean the most to me. You should see how many trinkets I have kept over the two decades that I have lived from the people I love, my family in particular. Every single one I have kept, even if they're just taking up space. I'd cry if any of them is thrown away. That's how much I cherish these things, materialistic or no. 

Ange drove me to meet me at a highland resort for my birthday this year. And to be honest I feel rather guilty for asking something from him as a present. Driving to meet me itself should be something that I appreciate to no end, which I do. But I guess my being adamant and wanting something solid to remember gets the better of me. *soft laughs* I'm sorry...

Sometimes when people ask me what do I want for my birthday, I feel rather odd. Of course I would love to tell them anything, anything at all that I needed. But sometimes, it is also the spontaneity that makes me appreciate the present all the more. I guess in my heart, it isn't just gifts that touches me, it's the effort behind it. 

But to papa and mama, thank you so much for giving me what I want for my birthday. 

To papa, thank you for asking before my birthday ever came. Thank you for buying me both the present and the birthday cake, which I relish in eating even if it is squished beyond recognition after coming home from the trip *chuckle*. Also thank you for loving me so much. 

To mama, thank you for giving me the allowance to spend, knowing that I need it. Thank you for loving me so so much to the point I want to cry every night. 

To my brother and sister, thank you for giving me the present, even thought I suspect it was just a by-the-way purchase =w=;;. 

And to Ange, thank you, for driving up to see me, for being there with me on the day that I could call my own, for kissing me and hugging me, for agreeing to get me another thing for my birthday even though I know that driving up is already one heck of an effort for you to make ( ❤ ), thank you for setting your schedule aside for me, thank you for loving me and taking in my ridiculousness regardless of the time of day, and thank you, for being by my side. 

I love all of you so so much. Thank you. ❤❤❤❤

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

With much love, 

Kaitlyn ❤

Two is perfect but is three a crowd???

Do we ever feel jealous whenever our best friends try to bring a new friend into the fold? Or when the new friends try to squeeze themselves into the fold? Well...I've been through both. And through my experience, both of them really isn't pleasant at all.

When it comes to friendships, I'm rather territorial. I don't mind extending my hand of friendship to a new person that I have just met. But when that particular person is invited in without my consent or tries to push in the fold without my consent, I will feel my shackles rise. My brain will naturally want to reject that person away from me, and most importantly, away from the group. I just don't want to lose the solidarity that I have with the current friend, especially if it is a best friend. 

There have been too many cases in my life where the current friend pushed me out of the circle because of that new friend. Granted, some of you would say that maybe they weren't 'steady' enough to be my best friend in the first place. Or maybe I did something wrong. But no, I always try my best to be the loyal and helpful friend. I've never done them wrong. So my guess is as good as yours. Maybe I just wasn't interesting enough.

At any rate, self-pity aside, I just don't like it whenever a new person comes into the fold forcibly (through my eyes). My (gay) best friend Callum has asked to bring a new friend to our gathering. More of a date than a gathering, seeing as it is only two people. This new friend is a girl that I know exists. We talk fairly little, mostly only random comments on each other's posts on Facebook, and even that is once in a blue moon. Through Callum, I have known that this girl has some sort of a same interest as me and him, Literature and books. She blogs too, but I rather not include her blog in here. 

Now, Callum is gay. So obviously (in case some of you think so), there is no romantic intention towards him whatsoever. I waste no time in telling you that I am poker straight. But I am just the type of person that cannot stand someone else trying to bring in someone new. Probably it's some sort of a trauma from past experiences. I tend to think negatively of the person they try to bring in, even for no reason at all. 

This girl, I shall call her Fiona (a name I really don't like in the first place, so you can see where I'm coming from), is not someone I can relate to. To be honest, I'm not even sure that I want to relate to her or connect with her. She speaks English and thus, language is not the barrier. But Callum and I have this bond, this bond where it enables me to crap about whatever topic under the Sun. And I personally feel that anyone else who is there will just ruin the bond. I've been through the same with Elene and her boyfriend where when she's around, I am unable to talk about anything personal with him, with him being my past best friend. 

I don't know what I should think right now. But I guess if Callum is willing to bring her in a once in a long while gathering together, I'm guessing that he isn't that exclusive a friend after all. Someone told me once that having a smaller circle of friends means you don't have to take much crap from people. Usually a smaller circle means most of your friends knows you very well and vice versa. But in my case, I'm guessing that having a small circle of friends only makes me risk being hurt by them more and not being able to have back up. Harsh as that sounds, this is reality.

It's a matter of Perception

It's 7.30pm in the evening and I'm sitting here struggling with whether I want to watch the next few episodes of Perception or not. I'm trying to catch the episodes on TV (what with excitement of watching shows on TV and all) but I already have the full Season 1 on my laptop. 

Credits to Google Images

I've downloaded the whole series for Season 1 and 6 episodes from Season 2 at the moment. I'm guessing in a couple of weeks I'll have the next 4 episodes in hand as well. I just couldn't imagine that the show is so intriguing. Dr. Daniel Pierce (second from left in the above image), who struggles with a condition called schizophrenia, a condition that makes him hallucinate people and objects, helps out the FBI with their cases. It's sorta my new favourite TV show. To be honest, this is one of the few shows that actually makes me think (more than usual obviously).

Thoughts seem to swim in my head easier after I've watched an episode of Perception. Maybe it's due to Dr. Pierce's starting and final few dialogue that always gets me thinking.

Credits to Dr. Daniel Pierce's Quotes FB

"The self is really a collection of several distinct neural networks, all running on this glob of jelly between our ears. 

So, if there are different versions of yourself floating around inside your skull, which one is the real you?"

- Dr. Daniel Pierce

Interesting...isn't it? The way he talks. I suppose the writers of the show's scripts should have credit. But I like to think that Pierce actually said that (well, technically as Pierce is also fiction, he did say that). 

So who is the real 'me' inside all of us? The one who dreams to sing on top of a stage? Or the one who achieved the top scorer's award in Harvard? The one who sit in the room just chillin' to the music? Or the one who thinks constantly about the world's problems and its society?

Personally, I feel that there is a lot of 'me'-s in me. There is the girl who yearns to sing on that stage. There is the girl who yearns to be the top scorer in Harvard. I don't usually chill to music. But I am also the girl who giggle and laugh around, the girl who protects her friend, the girl who's not afraid to speak her mind, and also the girl who's afraid of what people think about her. Ironic, isn't it? The last two especially.

In my more-than-two-decades of life, I've learnt something very important. None of us are just one person. We are many people in our lives. We are daughters, sons, friends, mothers, fathers, teachers and so on. We are also happy, sad, cheerful and depressed. We can be the loudest person in the group to the quietest person in the room. We can be the most precise leaders in a task and we can also be the most reckless in the team (think Captain James T. Kirk). 

Sometimes it confuses us, especially during our teenage years. We find that we can be many many people. We can have different personalities around different people. Some people find it that it is hard to determine who they themselves are because of such complexity of the human mind. It confused me once. Thankfully, after understanding the fact that we are many people in our lives, I've stopped struggling with myself and just let 'the chips fall where they may' about my life. 

I don't go about trying to be who I'm not. I just go about trying to be what I think is right. That may be narcissistic, some of you may say. But then again, some of us live the days not even knowing who we are and try to fool other people (and mostly importantly ourselves) that we must live according to the 'self' that other people think we are. So I, for one, am thankful of who I've decided to become. No matter which 'self' that I am, I am myself, always changing.

Now, that's my opinion. If you had one minute to think about the 'selves' that are swimming around in your brain, who do you think is the real you?

Waging a war with the experts in a game is like you're prepared to lose...innit...

Ever think that sometimes, we go around trying to make others feel more inferior than us? Even subconsciously? Yeah...I do that sometimes. But not to make others feel inferior, but instead to make myself feel superior.

You see...there is a difference between the two. What I see certain people are doing is that they use their so-called 'skills' to play mind games with people. Most of the time it's using words, whether it's from a bully, an academic (a plain psychology student maybe?), or even the smallest kid. We do a lot of things either to make other people feel inferior to us (in other words, bring them down), or to make ourselves feel superior (bring ourselves up). 

Certain people like to bring others down. They humiliate others by pushing them around, saying mean things (that mostly aren't true and come from their own insecurities) and beating people up, even. Some use things that they learn from places to play with people's minds without the use of violence. Myself, I like to think that I do both. I bring people down and pull myself up, but more on the latter, and only when I'm hopping mad. I say whatever I want about that certain someone (of course, making sure that it's a logical explanation before I start spouting words) to the closest people around me (preferably someone that has something to do with the person I'm mad at or it won't have the impact that I want), just to make myself feel better without actually hurting the person I'm mad at. I never actually get mad at a person without actually knowing that I have good reason.

Regardless, I still sound rather mean, don't I? *sigh* 

I have this friend of mine who has just gotten his first girlfriend, a psychologist student at that. Ange told me that she has made a hobby out of 'playing' his friends, using words to make them back up and probably with the intention to show that although she's only two decades old she's still 'smarter' than the rest of the twenty-year plus year old friends. Unfortunately, she made the mistake of coming to me with her childish way of playing. Childish, because being an expert is at least knowing to find out about your opponent's strengths before actually going ahead with her game. 

Needless to say, she lost. She tried to play with my mind, to get me to back up to her 'teasings' just as how she expected all her boyfriend's friends to be like. She didn't know she was dealing with the Mistress of this game. I analyse people faster than anyone can complete their sentences. The minute she came in with her 'war' strategies, she was a goner, I saw through her straight away. Knowing she wanted to play, I played along with her, trumping her at every strategy she had on her sleeve. She was, at most, a good player. Me and Ange are veterans. When she threatened in her way, to go to Ange with her 'teasings', I invited her to go ahead, not even worrying about him as I know, if she was stupid enough to 'play' him, the one losing would be her. She knew that she had nothing on me, and thus she gave up the game. 

I didn't bother so much before because my friend was a willing recipient of her psychopathic warfare, so long it didn't come to me and Ange. Now that it has come, it made me mad that she doesn't even know her own level to play with the experts. Ange said that I'm probably mad because she is similar to me. Yes...she is similar, but without empathy. And that is where she will lose dearly should she forget to measure the strengths of her opponents. I ask analysing questions to allow myself and other people see themselves better. Most of my 'clients' get surprised whenever they answer my questions and find out new things about themselves. I enjoy making people squirm sure, once in a while, but only teasing them as a good friend, never to shoot at people. 

You've brought the war to me. Make sure you don't come to me or Ange with your nonsense again. I don't mind being your friend. But come to me with another war in your mind and I can assure you, you will find your degree totally useless when you're facing me. 

True friendship and what comes with it

Today, I'm going to talk about friendships. It occurred to me that sometimes, people don't know what it takes to be a true friend. I've seen people with friends left, right and center. Every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to be their friend. It makes me doubt whether that person is trying to make friends, or just trying to increase their popularity. Granted, there are people like Gabriella Montez in High School Musical that just make everybody like them, without trying. But in this time of day, I find that when I see people who has more than two thousand friends on Facebook (and increasing each day), I'm not sure that I can believe those people are even people that they know. 

There's a thousand on my own page but I am trying to cut out the ones that I don't even know. I used to want to have a lot of friends on my social sites. We were using Friendster back then. In Friendster, there was this thing that we call 'featured friends'. I would add those people who were 'popular' (so to speak) and 'famous'. And if we were close enough, I would eagerly put them as my featured friend. Now, about half a decade later from then, I find that it is very over-rated to show people how many friends you have on Facebook when half of them is just for show. Thus, I am making a point to un-friend anybody that I do not even know (even if it's just knowing that they exist in my hometown) when their birthday notifications pop up. Everybody has a birthday, so I expect that I'll narrow down the list after 365 days. *chuckle*

I want to talk about true friendships. Friendships where both sides contribute to the relationship. A close friend of mine has offered me this analogy of friendships, or any relationships to for that matter. He dubs it the 'push and pull' theory. Imagine an empty room, with just a door. That room is the space for our relationships, be it friendships, kinship or romantic relationships. Imagine two people in the room, two friends, two lovers, two siblings, you pick. Now imagine their aura emitting around them, filling the room equally, or as equally as you can. If I have to draw out an image, it would be something like this:

The two circles are the two people. The pink is one person's aura, and the blue, the other person's aura.

In a normal push and pull relationship, one person would push and the other would pull (their auras in or out), making sure that the room (the relationship) is always filled. However, let's say when the Pink pushes too much, the Blue will find that he needs to contribute less to the relationship. And when Pink has pushed too long then decided to pull back to see what Blue would do, it would be a while for Blue to feel the emptiness to push back. Worse comes to worse, Blue would find the need to go out the door, as in get out from the relationship. 

It's a fairly simple analogy, and I credit my friend Zeke for giving me this information. It has been a bundle of usefulness in my life, trying to use it to explain to people who would not care nuts about a certain relationship, friendship or kinship. I use the theory to comfort myself too, whenever I find myself pushing too much, then pulling back only to realize that the other person doesn't push back immediately at all.

The 'Push and Pull' theory is what we usually call the give and take. Push means putting in effort. Pull means allowing the other person to make the effort for you to maintain that relationship.

I've been in friendships that required me to do most of the pushing, only because I'm the more enthusiastic one. But to know that the other person isn't pushing back at all when you try to pull, you find that your efforts were a little redundant. 

Miss Wilhelmina was that particular person in my life. Mina came from a distant land to my university to study. During the first semester, she was alone. Everybody didn't know anyone, so obviously some of us get a little distant in fear of stepping into a new world. Then came the second semester. I befriended Mina and we became best friends in due time. I talked to her, I accompanied her, I sat with her, I taught her languages that she wanted to learn. This friendship continued into the third semester. Any drama I had in my life, I told her about it, and thankfully, she was (is) open-minded enough to give opinion and support me in whatever I decide to do. 

I took in to heart to go out of my way to take care of her. Coming from another land, I was pretty sure that she missed her home. And so I made it a point to ask her out, bring her go shopping, for a drink and so on. I would even go to her hostel to do assignments together while gossiping the day through. Granted, it was fun while it lasted. Fourth semester hit and I found another friend through her, Kate. Kate's different from Mina. If I were the vivacious, active and loud person, Mina would be the balanced one (loud when she has fun but quiet in other places), and Kate would be the totally introverted one. Kate and Mina were close from the start, so I welcomed her into the group. Alas, little did I know, Kate would be the one who'd end up being my close friend, instead of the latter.

After a while I noticed changes in Mina. To set a day for the three of us to have a girls day out is like making an appointment with the President of the United States. Actually, I think the latter would have been easier, because Mina kept bailing on me. The last straw came when she bailed on me at the last minute for the third time. I ignored her, and brought Kate out for a fun time with Ange's help. Kate understood what I went through as Mina made her go through what I did a few times already. She was too chicken to walk out the door (reference to the push and pull theory), so she advised me to do so before I got hurt further. I understood, Mina had other friends now with me helping her to fit in, so she wanted to forget me. I got the message and backed off.

I take friendships seriously. I take care of the friends whom I see as true friends. I don't forsake them, I treat them fairly, and I make sure that even when I have a boyfriend I will never abandon them when they need me. I don't understand why others can't see that when they just cut off their friends just to please their other half, what they're doing is unfair. I've had best friends who cut me off because their girlfriends got jealous of me, though I had no intent to make my mark (or any mark for that matter on their boyfriends). I have a boyfriend myself, might I remind them again.

True friends won't cut you out of their life without an explanation. If you need to stay away from any of your friends for a while because of a boyfriend or girlfriend (especially a girlfriend since girls are rather touchier), make sure you at least explain yourself. It's not fair to treat any of your friends unfairly by just cutting them out for no reason. It will just show that you are too immature and without a back bone to at least have the guts to explain. In Mandarin, people like to say that 一定要给他人一个好好的交待, I find that very commendable. 

Credits to Google Images 

At least one of the past best friends who did try this on me came back to me to make it up. But his girlfriend Elene still isn't that decent. She still wants to be possessive in front of me, to show me that he is hers. So I'm here to tell you this, lady. Your boyfriend is yours to keep, but what you are doing is just showing that you're not confident enough in yourself to keep him around. I would never try to take any of my friends away from their other half. But I don't expect the other half to take my best friends away from me. I'll be fair to you, I won't even try to slander you to him although I know that is what you did before in an attempt to tarnish my good relations with him. You do what you see fit, but don't expect me to see highly of you when that happens. God bless you when you've realized what you yourself have done. Amen.

A heart's inspiration: While you're away... *laughs*

This is one of the times where I actually feel more philosophical, thus the reason I'm writing now. 3 days ago, it was (is) me and Ange's 5th month together. When I'm together with him, I never really think about the fact that he is my boyfriend. In my mind, I actually refer to him as 'the person that I spend as much time as I can with'. The sentence 'he is my boyfriend' never really comes into mind. And I find that really interesting. Because just the thought of that sentence makes my heart skip a beat, excited. But it will only last for one second until I think of the sentence again. 

I'm guessing that fact sentences like that excites me, though it doesn't really appear much in my mind naturally. Growing up, I never really think of getting boyfriends, or even having one. To be honest, the idea of a 'boyfriend' didn't even exist in my dictionary. To me at that time, me having a crush on a boy would just mean that I really really want to spend time with him. Back then, I was only 11. So the only way that I wanted to spend time with the boy I had a crush on was to play with him, like kids. We chased each other whenever he teased me about something. We would exchange sentences that we thought were insults. And because of this family hierarchy thing we had in our class back then, I was his wife where he was the third son of the 'mother' of the class. I still find those experiences really fun to think about.

It's probably why whenever I see Ange, all I think about is that I want to spend time with him. The word 'boyfriend' doesn't really come into mind until someone actually asks me who he is to me. Interesting, isn't it? Funny thing is, the sentence of 'wanting to spend time with him' itself doesn't appear. My heart feels it, very strongly too. I'm not really sure why is this interesting to me. *laughs* But I find it relaxing to just write it out.

Now, we're both going through this distance period where we (technically) have to stay apart for 2 months. It's probably going to be the last 2 months holiday that I'm going have in a long while. So to be honest, I am appreciating this holiday a lot. I love being at home, being able to relax (albeit remarks from my parents once in a while to exercise or do the chores). Being able to sleep in my own comfortable bed in an air-conditioned room is a luxury to me too. The room I have at university is just too warm to even feel comfortable. Not to mention the bloody stink bugs that come once in a while to annoy and scare the heck outta me. 

I can say that I'm starting to get used to being away. I probably still can't last too long a period, but compared with the first week (and second), I think I'm doing better at taking the distance in stride. I envy Ange sometimes. He's able to switch off the part where a person is supposed to yearn for the presence almost immediately. But however I envy that trait, I think I still prefer to miss him this way if I have to go through distances, instead of turning off that part of me. This is because I want to know myself that I still love him. As crude as that had sound, I think the moment where I am able to 'turn off' the part of me that misses him, it might be the moment (God forbid) that I stop loving him. And I truly don't want that to happen.

Credits to Google Images.

Oddly enough, it is when he is busy watching a movie that I am able to have time to type out this entry *chuckle*. Once in a while, writing about things does the soul much good. Pity I don't have much patience with handwritten work, especially since my hand does get tired after a while. 

Thought of mentioning how men being partial can risk them losing their female friends. But as my writer's block has arrived in my brain, perhaps another time. =)

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.