Of flaws and future beaus

I finally found the inspiration needed to come back here and write. Ironic that it's the same sort of experience that one goes through almost everyday, but never take the effort to notice...

What makes us human? As in...people. Our good points? Yes, humans are kind, they are strong, they are intelligent (more than some), they are many things on this God's green earth. But when we mention humans, ourselves, do we look at our flaws as clear as we see the strengths? 

No...not many people do. One thing we humans generally are is that we are proud creatures. We take pride in the things we do, things we don't do. Pride is in all of us. It's just depends on the person whether Pride is a big part of him or not. But because we have Pride, chances are, we rarely would admit, or even see, the flaws within us. And because of that, we tend to lament that we don't get much of a "life". 

You see, dear readers, the reason I'm writing all of this is because I'm feeling rather philosophical. Yes, philosophical. Sitting in my cool, comfortable room in the middle of the night last night gave me some sort of an epiphany, if only for the people who complained about "having no life" in front of me. 

You see, when we were talking about "having no life" (myself excluded, I do not see my life to be that mundane), my colleagues back then were relating "having no life" to "not having a boyfriend". I baffle at the relation, but I do understand their sentiment, if not empathising with it. My colleague then went on to relate her "cup of tea" in men.

She wanted younger, cuter, more boyish, and yet manly at the same time. I listened as she rambled on about the looks she wanted in her future beau, and started to think to myself, is that all people can say about their future beau? Or is that all she can say? The looks? 

*chuckle* Now I don't see myself as some relationship expert, although I can say that I've had my fair share of heaven and earth experience with ex-boyfriends. I've dated many a guy, all different from each other, although bearing certain inner similarities. It is because of it that I had the chance to learn what I really need in partner. Not someone who looks good all the time (although I can say that looking good / cute is a good bonus to have), but more to someone who can complement me, like how jigsaw puzzles fit into each other because they were made that way. 

I need someone who can make up for my flaws with his strengths, and vice versa for my strengths to his flaws. I want my personality to complement his, as much as his do mine. I want him to talk when I don't, or be content with the silence. I want him to listen when I talk, which is a lot. I want him to be patient with my quirky self, because I know my temper isn't for the random guy to be able to handle. ,I want him to be able to counter my arguments when I need a decent conversation. I need him to allow to handle my own problems, and only ask for help when need be. I need him...for so many things, different things, from what people will say. 

Perhaps my colleague did not deem to share her thoughts of her future beau's personality with me, or perhaps she really didn't think about the key points of her future beau that has to complement her being. It just made me wonder, whether people actually know how to see the flaws in themselves to be able to give such an observation about their future spouses. 

Perhaps I am blessed enough that I got the chance to experience different people in my life that it allowed me to know what I need in someone, because all that assured me what sort of personality in my beau that I need for me to be able to function as a human being, as well as being his other half. I can see my flaws well. And though sometimes I don't admit them too proudly, but I still do state them fairly, like my temper, for instance. Knowing my flaws clearly allows me to state what I need in someone that will be living with me for the next century (God willing). And looking at my colleague, though it may be a bit of a stretch, it makes me wonder, if the people at large, are willing to admit what flaws they have, to themselves if not to other people, just to see who fits them better, not who they want to fit them better...

Just a thought to start the day... :)

Detached impossibilities...

Have you ever wanted a friendship that is just so effortless, that you need not care about when can you be yourself? Have you ever wanted to just relax in a relationship, not having to worry about whether you're going to be stepping on landmines, or time bombs? 

I've been through these couple of days, planning every step with effort. Because I am a person who loves to be bubbly, squeal-y, and highly enthusiastic with my friendships when the mood comes, I always find it so hard to accept that some people can't be the same. It makes me think whether they're going to hate me for "making an effort" to talk to them. 

I myself have certain timing when I do not want to talk, usually  if it's a person I don't know too well, I won't reply too enthusiastically, but I'll still show a warm welcome regardless. I can do that, so sometimes, I do wonder, why can't anybody else can? They show me warmth, oh yes, they do. But the sort of warmth that makes you feel that it's forced sometimes. Because to me, even a little bit of resistance can make me feel unwanted. Being a linguist and a member of the female species, I catch even the littlest resistance to warmth people give and interpret it to something less warm, especially if I don't know the person that well, which makes it harder to interpret correctly. 

I've met with many time bombs over my years of getting to know people (and no I'm not that old). So dealing with time bombs is somewhat of a learned skill when it comes to me. But it doesn't mean I like dealing with them either. Dealing with time bombs and landmines is really one hell of a journey. I've dated a time bomb. Hated it to the very core till this very day. I need a person who can be lively when I'm lively, and not dead when I need them to be nice. 

Yes, I have to admit, I'm a rather...people-pleasing sort of person. I search for recognition from people, because I am the eldest. I grew up with encouragements and praises for what I did good, and also scoldings from what I did that wasn't good. So I got used to that life, and constantly seek for people's approval of what I'm doing. I guess it's sort of a given now, now that I'm in this different community that literally means seeking approval (nowadays at least). 

Having said all that, it just hurts when you feel someone you like very much (platonically if it's the opposite gender) not having replied you as enthusiastically as they did before, or as you do now. It just makes me feel tired knowing that I have to be careful around these people that I want to be good friends / close friends / long-lasting friends with the most. I don't want to piss them off, obviously. But it's just very tiring to know that you have to plan every step, so as to not overshoot their "like-ness" of you. It's very tiring to know that you have to placate them for them to like you as a friend, even though you very much just want to talk to them and tell them about your day and in turn ask about theirs. 

I haven't written for a while. I guess there hasn't been much in my life that's giving me an inspiration. There's a lot worth writing. Just that I lack that motivation these days. Laziness is almost my middle name *chuckle*. Maybe there's been too much happening around here. Ever since that event ended, I find myself caring more about that other community, when I should have just been detached like I always said I should be. I don't really know how to balance things anymore. 

My emotions go on roller-coaster rides far too easily. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothered with a world that seeks people's recognition, because it only will feed my insecurities far more than decrease it. But it is part of my dream, I think...or is my dream a part of my need to get people's approval? Should I stop that sort of feeling by stopping altogether? 

Sigh...it's hard isn't it? Hard to be non-detached, especially when you never made yourself to be that way. 

A post to counter a post

Back at Ange's and I'm here looking around for entertainment. Lo behold, I clicked on Abigail's name on Facebook, and finding what I was looking for.

She posted quite a few 'shiny' pictures (pun intended) for the benefit of whom I still do not know (nor am I sure if I want to know). Well, after splitting from Michel, it seems that she has got what she wanted, undivided attention. To be honest, the guy reminds me of my Ange. Sweet, kind, always could be there so long he's not working *laughs*. Though one thing that guy is that Ange isn't, is that the guy seems to be blinded. 

Love is blind, that's what they all say. Oh love is blind alright. Not seeing how sick Abigail can be for attention, he fell for her hook line and sinker. I suppose I'm in no position of how much a person can love or be loved. I've been in the same position once. But I gave the other party every chance to change. Abigail, on the other hand, just fell defeated at wanting physical attention from someone, and forwent the one guy that would have given her the world should she have asked.

According to her, "asking" for attention for a girl is embarrassing for her. She couldn't do it (so what was the point of parading yourself as a "handsome guy" when all you wanted to be is a fragile, normal, boring girl that's no different from the idiots I see a lot around). And thus Michel was put in the dark as she 'suffered' through being physically alone. She did not suffer. She was just too thick skinned to tell people that she's a girl and needs attention. Heck, even I know that I seek attention a lot. But from the right person, from my parents, from Ange, from the people that matters. With Abigail, apparently it doesn't matter whose attention she gets, so long she gets it. I have a feeling it'll backfire on her one day. As Ange said once before, wouldn't be a surprise even if she comes back with two or three, instead of just herself. 

I pity Michel somewhat. In a way, he asked for it yes, by not waking up to her nonsense earlier. But he was the victim, I could see that. There was a lack of true understanding for him, where there was all the understanding from him that he could have given at that time. Should a more understanding person she could have been, then perhaps the relationship would have lasted. But knowing now what she is, ready to defy even the fact of life just so she can be right, I guess it's a blessing in disguise that this relationship didn't work out. 

Figures. =/

Marriage... or just plain lack of practicality???

Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap. 

Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name (in a way), to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=

At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together (meaning we're not married), I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently (although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage). So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick. 

With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that. 

I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' (one side in particular) opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most. 

I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly. 

*nose wrinkle*

This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical (more like dreamier) one. 

Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?

A blink of an eye: The state of teens

What is it in the process of making friends that is so hard to comprehend? At what point are we trying to hard? At what point are we not making an effort at all? At what point do we just flip the table and say that we don't care? And...at what point should we start panicking of our lack of effort? 

We humans are rather peculiar. For the typical, we tease and say mean things about people when their efforts in making friends are visible, in other words "trying too hard". For the not, we scold them and scoff at them for not making any effort at all, saying "no wonder they don't have any friends". And yet, when we want to try hard, we scold people for being mean to us, same thing happens with the other side of the coin. 

I'm probably a little shallow to some people for wanting to make a lot of friends. I'm even trying to make friends with total strangers on the chance that they wouldn't know anything about me beforehand, thus no prior impressions or biased-ness. But when you see those same people not doing anything to make you feel welcomed, it makes you wonder if it is their mindset that dis-allow you from actually spreading your network. 

I don't know much about typical teenagers nowadays. Not all, but most of the ones that I've met only care about their clothes, boys / girls, and b****ing about other people of the same species, being hypocrites along the way. It makes one wonder about what happened to our society that makes them that way. Of course, they're only teenagers. God forbid they grow up to stay that way though. 

The Irritating that is Abigail

Hello folks. I'm back here tonight to just key in what I've been feeling for the past few days / hours. Been snacking on some Wonka NERDs and I think I'm already rather addicted to them already. Ah well, they're pretty fun to eat, and that tangy sourness hits the right spot on my taste buds =3

Very addictive I have to warn. =3

Hokay...well...let's see what do we have here. My friend Michel has again gone up and about an argument with his now ex-girlfriend Abigail. He wants her back oh so badly to the point he's willing to travel out to another state just to help her mother to paint the house on her request, after the break up. ==;; Sorta sordid if you ask me. I know he's trying to get her back (fat chance on that side in my opinion, not that I want her to be back in my life at any rate, bimbos are the people I rather stay away from for my own health), but who on Earth who head to the mother's place just to help her paint the house after they've broken up with said girl??? Retarded in my opinion. =A= Granted, I may already be biased as I don't feel any love for that girl, but then again, common sense, when broken off, it isn't wise to not make it a clean cut.

Abigail's a psychology study ladies and gentlemen. Now, I know that this is a stereotype (so forgive me), but one can assume naturally that one who studies psychology has the ability or has, at least, learnt the skill of being able to put oneself in another's shoes, truly in another's shoes. Abigail, however, is a special little one. She uses the skills that she's learnt in psychology to make other people feel inferior, and thus, unable to compare to her in terms of words and skills. And best part, the girl won't even listen to reasons given by many scientists that girls are born with more grey matter (thus with more emotions) and guys just don't have that. 

Honestly she's going to be one of the worst psychologist in history of the world if she keeps that up. Can't imagine what her life's going to be. Thankfully Ange agrees with me at this point. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is the one with the guts to say things about her knowing that there's a risk that Abigail's going to be sneaking a look in on Michel's Facebook account. I'm rather of a scaredy cat of people's hatred I'm afraid. So I'm rather reserved on my comments, but knowing myself I still couldn't help but still to say something about her to Michel, further agreeing to Ange's thoughts about her. 

Now the poor lad needs someone to talk to, and honestly I do want to help him. But I do have an early exam tomorrow that I have to get to, and also the fact that I'm going home tomorrow for a month. Not too sure how I feel about that, but at any rate, if not now, he'll need to wait a while before being able to talk to me again (oddly it's not just Ange that he wants). To be honest I feel like I want to be able to enjoy tonight. But I guess I'm not too sure now. "Once in a while, a person has got to be selfish to save oneself"...is what they say.

Down to Earth instead of floating in the clouds

Hello again. 

Today, I've tried really hard to go into new groups of people, to make new friends. Of course, having a second identity worked a little better for me knowing that even if I screw up, people won't know who I am. Even if I screw that up (God forbid that from happening - Amen.), I just have to create another persona and just start again. Thing about having more than one identity is that people don't know who is the real you, due to the fact that in that particular world, you rarely meet the person within. 

But then I realised something. I was trying a little too hard to blend in, when in the first place, what I wanted wasn't to just blend in. I was thinking to myself that seeing as my own worlds don't really accept who I am, might as well try being a part of another world. In a way, it is a good idea. It's a new source of friends for me. And it gives me something to do when Ange goes to one of these things for performances. I get to make a bunch of friends (virtual or no) without having to worry about whether they'll be okay with the real me, seeing as I probably won't be showing them the real me within, figuratively speaking or no. 

However, what Callum had said to me a few months ago struct my memory. Be in a different world from the person you are with. It makes it easier to come up with things to talk about (ironically, being in the same world means you go through the same things, which in turn means less things to tell each other about), and just in case of anything, perhaps if the beau is busy, you would have another world for you to be busy in. To me, having another world meant that I could be independent when I wanted to. When you and your beau belong in two different worlds, or perhaps more, it means when you are known in your own world, you are holding your own, without help of the beau.

I don't want to think that I'm trying to get into this new world just to be closer to him. I don't need to do that for it to happen. When I decided to go into the world, I wanted to do it without the beau's help, so that people won't look at me and go 'oh isn't that who who who's girlfriend who started this and that because her boyfriend helped out?'. Probably this is all just my thinking too much, people probably don't think that way anyway, let alone thinking that it's a bad thing. But I think it's just the independent streak in me. If I want to be known, I want to be known as myself (technically), not as someone else's someone. 

I stopped myself from 'blending in' so much when I realised something. I wanted to retain the real me, instead of trying so hard to maintain another identity in another world. In that world, I am this person. But in this world, I am Kaitlyn Emily Summers. The sense of Western and Eastern gives me a sense of difference in my heart. Here, I am English. There...well...who knows who am I. Even I'm not so sure of that yet. It's only my first day trying after all. I have a lot of identities in my head. Perhaps after this, I'll be spending a lot of time telling myself that being Kaitlyn in this world keeps me grounded instead of being another person in that world. 

Knowing that I have taken that first step today, that has made me proud. I was afraid of many things, of people's negativity especially. I was still going against every suggestion that my friend Cherry B and also Ange has given me, just because I was insecure of myself stepping into a new world. Today, I stepped. I may have tried a little harder than usual, but I'm proud of myself that I was willing to take that first step. Now, with a toe into the other world and the rest of me being Kaitlyn here, I think I can be pretty happy. I'm happier being Kaitlyn, I always have been. I guess all I wanted to know is that I have the option of being someone else should I need to be for a while. 

Negativity and the negatives

I am protective. And I've just realised that I wasn't like this before. Is it because of the bullying in my past that made me change into this negative self-protective person that other people try to avoid being my friend? Am I not worth being someone's friend?

Callum was right. We really have to have other friends other than the beau. Gives more drama to talk about other than the technical stuff. And yet, when I look at myself, I know that I am negative about things a lot. I don't like it when people are / make it seem that they are better than me. I just have a habit of giving the opposite opinion. If other people are positive about something, I tell them something negative about it to balance things out, and vice versa. But when it comes to people of the past who looked down on me, who bullied me, who just put front the image of themselves being better than other people, sometimes it makes me feel resentful. I feel like as if they don't deserve the image that they portray. 

There are people who just exudes a certain aura that shows their status, but without being snobby or without being show off-ish. Those are the people that really deserves to be where they are. They don't try to show their superiority, they just exude that particular aura that makes me feel very impressed.

Alas, those people are very rare nowadays. In my whole life I've only seen a few who are like that, worth being impressed about. When it comes to those who purposely want to show off, I immediately have a certain judgement about them. Granted, we should not judge. But this is something that I cannot help. I utterly dislike those people who has once done me wrong, or has ever given me a bad impression. Even if they've changed to be a better person, I cannot help but to continue to resent them. We shouldn't judge people by their past, true. But that's only possible if what they did in their past does not include you. 

Would you forget a bully if you were bulllied by them once before? Even if they changed into a saint, you'll find yourself maybe able to forgive them, but never being able to forget. And since the people who did me wrong once before didn't become saints, safe to say that I still haven't forgiven them. They're don't deserve the forgiveness. You can say that they don't care anyway, and not forgiving them is just harming myself. But I cannot find it in myself to forgive them. They really just don't deserve it. 

Because of all that, I'm almost negative by nature. People around me are so positive that I always give the opposite opinion anyway. Is it because of this that friends seem to shy away from me? Or at least, if not shy, they don't remember me when they think of friends? 

Granted, it is safer to keep my opinions to myself. My friend Edward said once, it is safer to not say anything so that people won't have anything to put against you. Ange has that principal too. Alas, I'm not a person who can keep anything inside myself. I've learnt when I was a child that if you kept anything to yourself, nothing good will come out of it. You'll just suffer more. Either the bullies will continue to do what they will, or the idiots will continue to become idiots. So why not tell them that they're being idiots? They won't like it? So what? If they don't listen, isn't it their own folly? 

These are the few questions that I ask myself constantly from time to time. Why don't we tell people who are idiots that they are idiots? Why do we keep things to ourselves to save our butts and to continue to watch people be idiots? When I say idiots, I mean those who are trying to make themselves look like hoes, those who join in things because they just want to be popular, and so on. 

*sigh*

I also get jealous very easily in certain cases, but usually the first time is with a very valid reason. Anytime after that, because my mechanism recognizes that this person has done me wrong once (whether they themselves know it or not), especially when they've never apologized, my heart continues to want to be negative towards this person, even if it's is for a simple reason, rational one or not. And it irritates me further when the person I tell this negativity to, supports that person. Inside my head, my subconscious must be screaming : "why can't you see that this person doesn't deserve your praises???!! Why can't you be on my side for a change????!!!! Why must you be a freaking pacifist????!!!"

Cruel...and unreasonable, I know. I have that side of me. But as I've said, it is something that we cannot help. Edward once said to me, intelligently, we know what we're supposed to do. We know where the boundaries are supposed to be set. We try our best to fend off what people deem is bad and negative. But emotionally, when the feelings come, they will come. We cannot stop them, neither can we tell them to go away. It is something that we humans cannot help but to follow. How true...

So what do I do? 

TV dilemma

I just finished watching the whole Season 1 of Perception and I'm wondering now if it's a good idea. *laughs* I was looking forward to watching it on the TV, you know, the excitement of having a real TV schedule to stick to? It's one of the things that I miss, especially when I'm in uni, there's no TV to watch, there's no shows to look forward to. There's only the laptop where I download shows that I know of and watch them. I don't get to be introduced to new shows, like Perception now. I will only be stuck to the ones I already know of. *sigh* 

This is why I prefer to be at home, one of the reasons anyway. Being able to watch TV is one of the freedom that I always associated with being at home. Of course there's nothing to watch in the daytime usually, but during the nighttime the shows on 8TV really isn't so bad, like Perception and the Mentalist (that I'm now currently trying to follow every week religiously). Who ever said following TV shows are bad? It just gives me something to look forward to every week. And trust me, with me having not much to do at night but to stay in front of the laptop in my room, an excuse to go out and spend time with my family is much appreciated, although I know some of you may say that I don't need a reason to spend time with them. True, I don't need one. But having one is appreciated all the same. 

I'm downloading the Perception Season 2's episode 7 and 8 now. I'm hoping to be able to resist watching it until I head to uni in three weeks. I miss Ange so much, but I have a feeling I'll be missing my family even more when I get back to uni. Give and take I guess. I wonder if I want to head to the Animagaki event that he will be performing in. My cousin's driving up there on Friday, I could stay until Sunday if I wanted to. I'm sure my mum would let. But to be honest, although I really want to see my man do what he does on stage, I don't want to lose any 'at home with family' time more than I will next time. I will be able to see Ange perform again. There will be that chance. But there might not be such a long holiday again for me to be with my family...and really, I don't want to waste what I have. So I guess I'm staying home.

Although, sad fact is, I'm so fickle that I change my thoughts a lot sometimes...

But I really feel that I should stay home. As mama said (a lot to me these few weeks - which makes sense), enjoy your holiday. Boy, I haven't heard that sentence in a loong loooooong while, I can assure you. I've never been allowed to sleep in this late before (naturally waking up is just so awesome). And I'm not about to stop that now.

_(:3」∠)_

Glamour: Le self or le cosplaying self?

Now this is a topic that I find very interesting. Why do people want to be somebody else? I stumbled upon a friend's Facebook site and saw the grouping of profiles in the 'friends' category that interested me. There is was, Miss Shirley and her cosplaying persona side by side, though I wonder how many people actually know that they are both of the same person. 

I looked at their profile pictures and I saw that, evidently, the cosplaying profile was more glamorous than her normal persona. And thus is why she maintained her cosplaying profile more than the normal one. Interesting how people want to be someone else. I'm don't condemning, don't get me wrong. I envy that they are able to do that. Actually, I envy that they have the budget to do that. If I could, I would love to dress up as somebody else, getting all the attention and adoration without people actually knowing it's me. It's some sort of a freedom that not many people can or want to have.

I love (good) attention. Sure, I do. But I don't want attention as myself, cause I have this issue with being too self-conscious, which is where my empathy comes from (ironically). Call it a clash of character. But it is easier to adore getting attention when we're not ourselves. Because we won't be judged for wanting attention. 

Hmmm....this is just a short train of thought. Not much to write about really...

It's a matter of Perception

It's 7.30pm in the evening and I'm sitting here struggling with whether I want to watch the next few episodes of Perception or not. I'm trying to catch the episodes on TV (what with excitement of watching shows on TV and all) but I already have the full Season 1 on my laptop. 

Credits to Google Images

I've downloaded the whole series for Season 1 and 6 episodes from Season 2 at the moment. I'm guessing in a couple of weeks I'll have the next 4 episodes in hand as well. I just couldn't imagine that the show is so intriguing. Dr. Daniel Pierce (second from left in the above image), who struggles with a condition called schizophrenia, a condition that makes him hallucinate people and objects, helps out the FBI with their cases. It's sorta my new favourite TV show. To be honest, this is one of the few shows that actually makes me think (more than usual obviously).

Thoughts seem to swim in my head easier after I've watched an episode of Perception. Maybe it's due to Dr. Pierce's starting and final few dialogue that always gets me thinking.

Credits to Dr. Daniel Pierce's Quotes FB

"The self is really a collection of several distinct neural networks, all running on this glob of jelly between our ears. 

So, if there are different versions of yourself floating around inside your skull, which one is the real you?"

- Dr. Daniel Pierce

Interesting...isn't it? The way he talks. I suppose the writers of the show's scripts should have credit. But I like to think that Pierce actually said that (well, technically as Pierce is also fiction, he did say that). 

So who is the real 'me' inside all of us? The one who dreams to sing on top of a stage? Or the one who achieved the top scorer's award in Harvard? The one who sit in the room just chillin' to the music? Or the one who thinks constantly about the world's problems and its society?

Personally, I feel that there is a lot of 'me'-s in me. There is the girl who yearns to sing on that stage. There is the girl who yearns to be the top scorer in Harvard. I don't usually chill to music. But I am also the girl who giggle and laugh around, the girl who protects her friend, the girl who's not afraid to speak her mind, and also the girl who's afraid of what people think about her. Ironic, isn't it? The last two especially.

In my more-than-two-decades of life, I've learnt something very important. None of us are just one person. We are many people in our lives. We are daughters, sons, friends, mothers, fathers, teachers and so on. We are also happy, sad, cheerful and depressed. We can be the loudest person in the group to the quietest person in the room. We can be the most precise leaders in a task and we can also be the most reckless in the team (think Captain James T. Kirk). 

Sometimes it confuses us, especially during our teenage years. We find that we can be many many people. We can have different personalities around different people. Some people find it that it is hard to determine who they themselves are because of such complexity of the human mind. It confused me once. Thankfully, after understanding the fact that we are many people in our lives, I've stopped struggling with myself and just let 'the chips fall where they may' about my life. 

I don't go about trying to be who I'm not. I just go about trying to be what I think is right. That may be narcissistic, some of you may say. But then again, some of us live the days not even knowing who we are and try to fool other people (and mostly importantly ourselves) that we must live according to the 'self' that other people think we are. So I, for one, am thankful of who I've decided to become. No matter which 'self' that I am, I am myself, always changing.

Now, that's my opinion. If you had one minute to think about the 'selves' that are swimming around in your brain, who do you think is the real you?