Lack of thinking people do these days....

Heh...the essence of dating, as they say, is to remember to give your partner enough space to move around, so to speak. I'm all for giving enough space to people, seriously. But at least know enough to send me a word when you're going off somewhere, instead of when I ask, and then only you tell me that you've been off somewhere. If you told me beforehand, I wouldn't have needed to ask and frustrate now would I? =A=

Sigh...I really don't know what men are thinking sometimes. I get it that men don't have the same idea of safety as we do, or at least, in general they don't. The men I know almost think that they're invisible to the world, and God forbid even if anything happened, they would be able to handle themselves. But they forget that their loved ones are still waiting for them at home, wondering if they're okay. 

Seriously guys...just think of the people who you know will worry about where you are where you seem to disappear off the face of technology. We all don't have powers to teleport us to wherever you are to make sure if you're okay. So just have the decency to just send word of where you are if you're planning to go off somewhere, or go off to a guys' night out stuff or something, especially if you don't plan to reply that loved one for moments of time. Trust me, it'll do you, and her a lot of good if you make that effort. =.=;

And don't give me the crap of you don't think that it's dangerous, or the classic "I'm okay what...", or even "it's nothing suspicious why should I inform also". I know most men would love to answer that. Bullshit I say. We girls love you for a reason. We just want to know if you're okay, and if all of a sudden if you don't seem to reply for hours, we worry. We accept that there's a chance you won't reply us during your guys' night out. But for goodness sake accept that we will worry and you HAVE to at least send word when we do ask you where you are, especially with a worried tone, if not at the start when you head out.

It's not hard honestly. Just type "I'm heading out with who who who", and click SEND. So hard for you to spare that 10-40 seconds (depending on the speed that you type obviously)? She's the one you love right? Shouldn't be hard to spend a certain few seconds just to ease her worries if any come at all. Think men. THINK from our side for a moment... =A= I'm already thinking of your side, so at least make half the journey to meet me in the middle. 

Jeez...things men do these days....

Hormones and depression...just a little.

What is it with hormones that makes my mood go up and down and up and down? Seriously I hate having periods, period! (no pun intended)...

This is one of the days where I felt extremely content an hour ago, and upon seeing that Ange's out with Mr. Practical and probably won't have time for me, my mood turned a little for the worse. Where's my empathy of understanding, you ask? Oh, it's right here, in my head. It's telling me that he needs his time with his friends and all that and he can't cater to my every whim every time. Yeah I know that. I just can't help but to feel depressed that's all. Probably the hormones. (Hormones inside me are probably going : "yeah yeah, blame everything on us *grumbles* nobody gives us any credit". Well, if you want credit, quit making people depressed!!!)

I'm not sure why but I just don't feel too serene. I have nothing on my mind to worry about, 'cept for the idiotic landlord and chief tenant's lack of courtesy that's pissing me off. Otherwise, I'm perfectly serene, with just a splash of depressed emotions in the heart. 

The mind has no control over the heart. It's as if both my brain and my heart works together at the same time, one of the main reasons why although I have empathy, I constantly struggle with myself and my decisions. Empathy and irrationality works together hand-in-hand, making clashing decisions to think and feel different at every chance they get. As if my hormones aren't doing enough to my emotions once every month (hormones: "quit blaming us will you?!" ; Me: " yeah yeah yeah...*scoffs*").

Sometimes, the heart in me likes to tell people that take him away from me (temporarily - obviously). People like his college people (uni stuff), his friends (normal case), even his anime-s and games (yes I'm that crazy...). My heart's telling me to be selfish sometimes when it comes to him, it's just that I don't really...do too much of what my heart tells me (anyone at this point might sigh in relief). Unless there is no conditions where following my heart doesn't give bad consequences, following my mind (aka Miss Rationality the Empathy Department of Brain Inc.) has always been the way to go, to avoid others being mad at me. 

Heh...what do I know right now, right? I'm just depressed...

Waging a war with the experts in a game is like you're prepared to lose...innit...

Ever think that sometimes, we go around trying to make others feel more inferior than us? Even subconsciously? Yeah...I do that sometimes. But not to make others feel inferior, but instead to make myself feel superior.

You see...there is a difference between the two. What I see certain people are doing is that they use their so-called 'skills' to play mind games with people. Most of the time it's using words, whether it's from a bully, an academic (a plain psychology student maybe?), or even the smallest kid. We do a lot of things either to make other people feel inferior to us (in other words, bring them down), or to make ourselves feel superior (bring ourselves up). 

Certain people like to bring others down. They humiliate others by pushing them around, saying mean things (that mostly aren't true and come from their own insecurities) and beating people up, even. Some use things that they learn from places to play with people's minds without the use of violence. Myself, I like to think that I do both. I bring people down and pull myself up, but more on the latter, and only when I'm hopping mad. I say whatever I want about that certain someone (of course, making sure that it's a logical explanation before I start spouting words) to the closest people around me (preferably someone that has something to do with the person I'm mad at or it won't have the impact that I want), just to make myself feel better without actually hurting the person I'm mad at. I never actually get mad at a person without actually knowing that I have good reason.

Regardless, I still sound rather mean, don't I? *sigh* 

I have this friend of mine who has just gotten his first girlfriend, a psychologist student at that. Ange told me that she has made a hobby out of 'playing' his friends, using words to make them back up and probably with the intention to show that although she's only two decades old she's still 'smarter' than the rest of the twenty-year plus year old friends. Unfortunately, she made the mistake of coming to me with her childish way of playing. Childish, because being an expert is at least knowing to find out about your opponent's strengths before actually going ahead with her game. 

Needless to say, she lost. She tried to play with my mind, to get me to back up to her 'teasings' just as how she expected all her boyfriend's friends to be like. She didn't know she was dealing with the Mistress of this game. I analyse people faster than anyone can complete their sentences. The minute she came in with her 'war' strategies, she was a goner, I saw through her straight away. Knowing she wanted to play, I played along with her, trumping her at every strategy she had on her sleeve. She was, at most, a good player. Me and Ange are veterans. When she threatened in her way, to go to Ange with her 'teasings', I invited her to go ahead, not even worrying about him as I know, if she was stupid enough to 'play' him, the one losing would be her. She knew that she had nothing on me, and thus she gave up the game. 

I didn't bother so much before because my friend was a willing recipient of her psychopathic warfare, so long it didn't come to me and Ange. Now that it has come, it made me mad that she doesn't even know her own level to play with the experts. Ange said that I'm probably mad because she is similar to me. Yes...she is similar, but without empathy. And that is where she will lose dearly should she forget to measure the strengths of her opponents. I ask analysing questions to allow myself and other people see themselves better. Most of my 'clients' get surprised whenever they answer my questions and find out new things about themselves. I enjoy making people squirm sure, once in a while, but only teasing them as a good friend, never to shoot at people. 

You've brought the war to me. Make sure you don't come to me or Ange with your nonsense again. I don't mind being your friend. But come to me with another war in your mind and I can assure you, you will find your degree totally useless when you're facing me. 

I think I need a therapist...

I've lived my whole life basing it on the thoughts of 'not troubling other people'. Being empathic, I pretty much have to live my life that way to be able to live with myself. I am such a sucker for guilt trips that I pretty much make myself end up the one who endures all the setbacks so that everybody else can live easy. It comes with being too self-conscious for my own good. But it's something that I can't help. I grew up this way. *scoff* I guess I should thank my mother for teaching me to be this way, seeing as she is this way herself. 

They say it is a blessing to be able to think both ways, or as many ways as there is possible. People like me are able to debate critically, hitting at every single possibility that the other person might give. People like me are also able to understand very well, if not empathize, what the other person is feeling, thinking and dreaming. This makes me able to give good advice to others, knowing when they need advice and when they need comfort.

Well, it is a blessing, in a way. But a curse as well. Because I'm empathic, I find myself understanding other people a little too much, and in turn wanting to give in to them just because I know where they came from. I forget that sometimes, being human means putting my foot down, especially when it's something that is important to me. Problem is, usually if I go with what I want, the guilt that comes after that seeing everyone's sad faces is something that I myself am not even sure that I can take. As I've mentioned, I'm a sucker for guilt trips. It's bad enough that I put this on myself. It's worse when other people try to put guilt on me. 

Sometimes I feel that nobody's going to be able to understand what exactly the hell am I going through. I've only had one acquaintance where he is empathic too. Alas, being a man (more like a boy who's just trying to show people how superior he is), he cannot exactly fathom what emotions go through the female heart, let alone one that is added with a strong sense of empathy. He tells me to just let go of my sense of humanity, and just assume that I am special and different. People are going to just keep wanting me to understand them, and he says I've got to accept that and just let go. 

After listening to what you have got to say to me, I've got this to say. I'm sorry, but I cannot let go of the hope that humanity can still be understanding. Probably because I understand where humanity has come from. I care about the people around me. I care about them so much I would do almost anything for them (well, certain people that is...). Getting hurt and angry whenever they give me a reaction that pretty much spells out ridiculousness (though their blind hearts cannot see it), is something that I cannot help. Because I do expect them to understand better than I do. For those younger than me, I only hope that I can guide them well enough to understand the people around them. For those who are older, I expect them to know more than I do. Unfortunately, without empathy, most of them can't reach that expectation. 

On a related subject, I have already been living every day trying to just not let myself get into trouble. Or as an ex once told me, follow the 11th commandment (that he invented), just don't get caught. *chuckle*

My birthday is looming near, and I am excited about it. It's the one day where I can use as a reason for people to understand me instead of the other way around. And yet, other people still want me to understand their ways, and follow them, forgoing my plans and my hopes. I move to follow them and yet still try to get my plans to work, compromise as I call it. But my mother gives vetoes after vetoes that just eats at my empathy because I know I should be listening to her by moral standards. 

My empathy tells me to just let him stay home, and let them celebrate my birthday alone without him, just because it'll be less troublesome and less dangerous for him that way. But I just have a feeling that if I forgo my hopes and plans completely for that day, I would regret so badly for the rest of the year. I don't want to sacrifice myself just so others can have an easier life. I've understood people well enough for the past two decades. I have taken the high road and always, always tried to explain to people when I know that they're doing things wrong. 

To him, I've always tried to put things right, instead of going by my pride. I've always tried to make the communication between us smooth and obstacle free. I've gone out of my way to make him happy by showing him that I really care and love him, especially on his birthday, even if he didn't care much about birthdays in general. I did not let distance be an excuse for me to not show that I care about him. Just because my love language of physical touch cannot be used during the distance period doesn't mean I can say that it's too troublesome for me to do anything else to show that I care. I just sincerely hope that he can do the same for me, and not just tell me that even answering me a yes or no is troublesome. 

A girl just wants to feel cared for, loved and the priority. I've tried my best to give my heart to you. I don't want a sense of bond where the other half feels that everything else is more important than me. My empathy would probably allow me to just understand that you just have other things to worry about. No, not allow, make me more like. But I don't want a relationship where my empathy have to make me understand everything. I don't want to have to understand at all. A loving relationship isn't supposed to be that way. Understanding yes. But understanding for every moment where even an unsure event is more important than my birthday, more important than just seeing me, that's just too much for me to take. 

I don't need you to really make me the top priority in everything. I just want to be the top priority in something...because right now, I really just feel like I'm everyone's second choice, even yours. And if I can't even feel like I'm the top priority for my birthday if not any other day, then what's the point of me living as a person?

My mother asked me why can't I just not see him. For someone who doesn't understand, I guess I cannot blame her. She just doesn't understand how our relationship goes. She doesn't understand what I expect and what I give. She thinks I don't have to give anything and thus not having to expect anything. But if that were true, a relationship wouldn't exist. Because even in friendships, there is something called give and take.

I have to see him because it is part of my love language. I am a person who cannot take long distances for long periods of time. I've had to go through that once before. I know what hell that was. I cannot bear to let my heart go through that raw again. Call me weak, if you like. Call me dependent. Call me whatever words you like. But I will say this, everyone is different. It is only with empathy that I am able to understand at least half of them. But you whom are without it, don't judge others with your own principles because chances are, without empathy, your principles will crumble when debated with someone else who has it.