Of flaws and future beaus

I finally found the inspiration needed to come back here and write. Ironic that it's the same sort of experience that one goes through almost everyday, but never take the effort to notice...

What makes us human? As in...people. Our good points? Yes, humans are kind, they are strong, they are intelligent (more than some), they are many things on this God's green earth. But when we mention humans, ourselves, do we look at our flaws as clear as we see the strengths? 

No...not many people do. One thing we humans generally are is that we are proud creatures. We take pride in the things we do, things we don't do. Pride is in all of us. It's just depends on the person whether Pride is a big part of him or not. But because we have Pride, chances are, we rarely would admit, or even see, the flaws within us. And because of that, we tend to lament that we don't get much of a "life". 

You see, dear readers, the reason I'm writing all of this is because I'm feeling rather philosophical. Yes, philosophical. Sitting in my cool, comfortable room in the middle of the night last night gave me some sort of an epiphany, if only for the people who complained about "having no life" in front of me. 

You see, when we were talking about "having no life" (myself excluded, I do not see my life to be that mundane), my colleagues back then were relating "having no life" to "not having a boyfriend". I baffle at the relation, but I do understand their sentiment, if not empathising with it. My colleague then went on to relate her "cup of tea" in men.

She wanted younger, cuter, more boyish, and yet manly at the same time. I listened as she rambled on about the looks she wanted in her future beau, and started to think to myself, is that all people can say about their future beau? Or is that all she can say? The looks? 

*chuckle* Now I don't see myself as some relationship expert, although I can say that I've had my fair share of heaven and earth experience with ex-boyfriends. I've dated many a guy, all different from each other, although bearing certain inner similarities. It is because of it that I had the chance to learn what I really need in partner. Not someone who looks good all the time (although I can say that looking good / cute is a good bonus to have), but more to someone who can complement me, like how jigsaw puzzles fit into each other because they were made that way. 

I need someone who can make up for my flaws with his strengths, and vice versa for my strengths to his flaws. I want my personality to complement his, as much as his do mine. I want him to talk when I don't, or be content with the silence. I want him to listen when I talk, which is a lot. I want him to be patient with my quirky self, because I know my temper isn't for the random guy to be able to handle. ,I want him to be able to counter my arguments when I need a decent conversation. I need him to allow to handle my own problems, and only ask for help when need be. I need him...for so many things, different things, from what people will say. 

Perhaps my colleague did not deem to share her thoughts of her future beau's personality with me, or perhaps she really didn't think about the key points of her future beau that has to complement her being. It just made me wonder, whether people actually know how to see the flaws in themselves to be able to give such an observation about their future spouses. 

Perhaps I am blessed enough that I got the chance to experience different people in my life that it allowed me to know what I need in someone, because all that assured me what sort of personality in my beau that I need for me to be able to function as a human being, as well as being his other half. I can see my flaws well. And though sometimes I don't admit them too proudly, but I still do state them fairly, like my temper, for instance. Knowing my flaws clearly allows me to state what I need in someone that will be living with me for the next century (God willing). And looking at my colleague, though it may be a bit of a stretch, it makes me wonder, if the people at large, are willing to admit what flaws they have, to themselves if not to other people, just to see who fits them better, not who they want to fit them better...

Just a thought to start the day... :)

Detached impossibilities...

Have you ever wanted a friendship that is just so effortless, that you need not care about when can you be yourself? Have you ever wanted to just relax in a relationship, not having to worry about whether you're going to be stepping on landmines, or time bombs? 

I've been through these couple of days, planning every step with effort. Because I am a person who loves to be bubbly, squeal-y, and highly enthusiastic with my friendships when the mood comes, I always find it so hard to accept that some people can't be the same. It makes me think whether they're going to hate me for "making an effort" to talk to them. 

I myself have certain timing when I do not want to talk, usually  if it's a person I don't know too well, I won't reply too enthusiastically, but I'll still show a warm welcome regardless. I can do that, so sometimes, I do wonder, why can't anybody else can? They show me warmth, oh yes, they do. But the sort of warmth that makes you feel that it's forced sometimes. Because to me, even a little bit of resistance can make me feel unwanted. Being a linguist and a member of the female species, I catch even the littlest resistance to warmth people give and interpret it to something less warm, especially if I don't know the person that well, which makes it harder to interpret correctly. 

I've met with many time bombs over my years of getting to know people (and no I'm not that old). So dealing with time bombs is somewhat of a learned skill when it comes to me. But it doesn't mean I like dealing with them either. Dealing with time bombs and landmines is really one hell of a journey. I've dated a time bomb. Hated it to the very core till this very day. I need a person who can be lively when I'm lively, and not dead when I need them to be nice. 

Yes, I have to admit, I'm a rather...people-pleasing sort of person. I search for recognition from people, because I am the eldest. I grew up with encouragements and praises for what I did good, and also scoldings from what I did that wasn't good. So I got used to that life, and constantly seek for people's approval of what I'm doing. I guess it's sort of a given now, now that I'm in this different community that literally means seeking approval (nowadays at least). 

Having said all that, it just hurts when you feel someone you like very much (platonically if it's the opposite gender) not having replied you as enthusiastically as they did before, or as you do now. It just makes me feel tired knowing that I have to be careful around these people that I want to be good friends / close friends / long-lasting friends with the most. I don't want to piss them off, obviously. But it's just very tiring to know that you have to plan every step, so as to not overshoot their "like-ness" of you. It's very tiring to know that you have to placate them for them to like you as a friend, even though you very much just want to talk to them and tell them about your day and in turn ask about theirs. 

I haven't written for a while. I guess there hasn't been much in my life that's giving me an inspiration. There's a lot worth writing. Just that I lack that motivation these days. Laziness is almost my middle name *chuckle*. Maybe there's been too much happening around here. Ever since that event ended, I find myself caring more about that other community, when I should have just been detached like I always said I should be. I don't really know how to balance things anymore. 

My emotions go on roller-coaster rides far too easily. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothered with a world that seeks people's recognition, because it only will feed my insecurities far more than decrease it. But it is part of my dream, I think...or is my dream a part of my need to get people's approval? Should I stop that sort of feeling by stopping altogether? 

Sigh...it's hard isn't it? Hard to be non-detached, especially when you never made yourself to be that way. 

Worries of the future

I'm think I'm at a point in my life where I sit here and be confused and stressed about how the whole world around me has become. I used to be a child, with the biggest worry to be what homework I have tomorrow. And now, I am here, a grown-up in a blink of an eye, wondering where has the years gone and worrying about much bigger and complicated things that I sorely don't want to think about.

I know that we have to grow up as humans, but why isn't there an option for us to be a child again, even if it is for a few hours every week, a contraption perhaps that allows us to relive our childhood, our sweetest memories, at a moment when we pop to bed for a nap. 

I'm scared of the future, not knowing what holds and not knowing what's going to happen in the next ten years. I want to be married to Ange by a natural path, no forcing, no prompting, no external triggers. I want to live in a comfortable house with the mortgage payments stably being paid off with a very comfortable salary of mine, I want to be able to send my parents monthly expenses - the same way they always do for me now when I'm studying, whether they need it or not is another matter. I want so many things to happen and I really am scared of the ambiguity of it. 

They say knowing your future is changing it, because it has both good and bad, depending on what choices we make. I've always said it was best not to know our future, because from what I can predict, who knows what we find out isn't what we want to see (God forbid). I want my parents to live forever, as long as possible, to be happy and smiling and healthy. I want my relationship with Ange to be the strongest ever beside my bond with my family, ignoring everybody else's "good-natured" advice saying that there are certain things that wouldn't last. Well, news to those who are pessimistic and continue to stay so, the only thing that doesn't last is the chocolate that I just popped into my mouth. I am confident that every love I have will last, even to the end, it will last. 

I'm not too sure what does this post do for me. I supposed I'm just spouting out what's random in my mind. It's just nice to have both a directed diary and a non-directed one. I can always choose who to aim my words at. And I can always choose where and how to write. This time has been one of those occasional inspirations that comes into my head, one of those inspirations that allowing my fingers to fly off the keyboard of my laptop right now. And seeing as it is here anyway, I might as well honour it by expressing whatever my inspiration wants me to express. 

I guess all this worrying has got to me a little bit somehow. Ange's off to watch a movie (again!) and I'm pretty much just...thinking (?). Now that the main part of the Chinese New Year holiday is over, I'm sitting here facing a little bit of what I need to face in the future. This holiday is supposed to be my one holiday without pressure, at least the previous bit was. Passing the half mark of the holiday just makes me nervous, and knowing that my exam results is coming out isn't helping the stress either. I just want a few more weeks without having to think about anything. I just want to enjoy my studying life without people breathing down my neck wondering what am I planning for next.

Perhaps a part of Ange has influenced me a bit, or maybe it was always there, it just needed a supporter or a trigger. He doesn't like to plan for things, and I usually do. I like to be able to do something about it, to chase away my worries. But there are times where I won't be able to do anything but my best (which usually means what I want to do, sadly speaking, it's almost nothing nowadays) and I have to learn to stop planning for things like that. I want to be able to enjoy my time (so-called free time of studying) as it is without worries of the future. I want to leave those worries to exactly that, the future. 

Maybe God can grant me grace, because Lord knows I need my prayers answered. I don't want to sound like I'm rushing or anything. But I guess when it comes to pressure, I'm just not the type who can deal with pressure very well. The certain type of pressure, like a deadline, possibly yes. But the type of pressure that comes from people, those I don't think I can deal with that easily. I'm just not made for people pressure. I am already scared left right center of whether I'm good enough for people (yes I have confidence issues), I don't need more people pressuring me to live up to their expectations. 

I love to analyse people. I love to analyse situations. Perhaps that is why I analyse myself quite a lot. I wouldn't mind listening to a professional's opinion about myself and my background, it would be nice to know why am I like this and that. Maybe I really should take up my friend's suggestion and just head to that professional counsellor she sees.

A blink of an eye: The state of teens

What is it in the process of making friends that is so hard to comprehend? At what point are we trying to hard? At what point are we not making an effort at all? At what point do we just flip the table and say that we don't care? And...at what point should we start panicking of our lack of effort? 

We humans are rather peculiar. For the typical, we tease and say mean things about people when their efforts in making friends are visible, in other words "trying too hard". For the not, we scold them and scoff at them for not making any effort at all, saying "no wonder they don't have any friends". And yet, when we want to try hard, we scold people for being mean to us, same thing happens with the other side of the coin. 

I'm probably a little shallow to some people for wanting to make a lot of friends. I'm even trying to make friends with total strangers on the chance that they wouldn't know anything about me beforehand, thus no prior impressions or biased-ness. But when you see those same people not doing anything to make you feel welcomed, it makes you wonder if it is their mindset that dis-allow you from actually spreading your network. 

I don't know much about typical teenagers nowadays. Not all, but most of the ones that I've met only care about their clothes, boys / girls, and b****ing about other people of the same species, being hypocrites along the way. It makes one wonder about what happened to our society that makes them that way. Of course, they're only teenagers. God forbid they grow up to stay that way though. 

Post-MS?

You know that one point where a girl (or anyone else, I wouldn't know) starts feeling irritated by every single thing that happens. Like a hair that fell on the arm and itches, like the scalp that itches even though you just washed it that morning, like the hair that fell on your face that itches, like idiot people getting under your skin and your brain is itching to tell you to shut them up (you know you can do it...just that...well...they're still your friends). 

Ange tells me that it's that time of the month's fault. But I seem to think differently. That time of the month never bothers me. But hell, all the other small stuff does. I had gastric pains on the way back home from The Legend of Hercules the movie (legend my butt...saddest case of Hercules story I've ever seen - only in my opinion). Being hungry - the gastric obviously - didn't help my irritation, neither did the bad movie. 

Ange tried his best to make me happy again. Knowing I was hungry he went to a mamak after dropping our friend home. I knew he was doing something consciously to make me feel okay again. But man I do wish that I know what's the reason that is bothering me. My theory is that it's all the tiny tiny reasons put together (those irritating hairs!!!!!). I'm consciously trying to feel better again. Of course feeling tired / sleepy doesn't help. Thinking about that, it even led me to the thought that we have 24 hours in a day. Why the hell do we feel sleepy after what...14 hours? 

It's a matter of Perception

It's 7.30pm in the evening and I'm sitting here struggling with whether I want to watch the next few episodes of Perception or not. I'm trying to catch the episodes on TV (what with excitement of watching shows on TV and all) but I already have the full Season 1 on my laptop. 

Credits to Google Images

I've downloaded the whole series for Season 1 and 6 episodes from Season 2 at the moment. I'm guessing in a couple of weeks I'll have the next 4 episodes in hand as well. I just couldn't imagine that the show is so intriguing. Dr. Daniel Pierce (second from left in the above image), who struggles with a condition called schizophrenia, a condition that makes him hallucinate people and objects, helps out the FBI with their cases. It's sorta my new favourite TV show. To be honest, this is one of the few shows that actually makes me think (more than usual obviously).

Thoughts seem to swim in my head easier after I've watched an episode of Perception. Maybe it's due to Dr. Pierce's starting and final few dialogue that always gets me thinking.

Credits to Dr. Daniel Pierce's Quotes FB

"The self is really a collection of several distinct neural networks, all running on this glob of jelly between our ears. 

So, if there are different versions of yourself floating around inside your skull, which one is the real you?"

- Dr. Daniel Pierce

Interesting...isn't it? The way he talks. I suppose the writers of the show's scripts should have credit. But I like to think that Pierce actually said that (well, technically as Pierce is also fiction, he did say that). 

So who is the real 'me' inside all of us? The one who dreams to sing on top of a stage? Or the one who achieved the top scorer's award in Harvard? The one who sit in the room just chillin' to the music? Or the one who thinks constantly about the world's problems and its society?

Personally, I feel that there is a lot of 'me'-s in me. There is the girl who yearns to sing on that stage. There is the girl who yearns to be the top scorer in Harvard. I don't usually chill to music. But I am also the girl who giggle and laugh around, the girl who protects her friend, the girl who's not afraid to speak her mind, and also the girl who's afraid of what people think about her. Ironic, isn't it? The last two especially.

In my more-than-two-decades of life, I've learnt something very important. None of us are just one person. We are many people in our lives. We are daughters, sons, friends, mothers, fathers, teachers and so on. We are also happy, sad, cheerful and depressed. We can be the loudest person in the group to the quietest person in the room. We can be the most precise leaders in a task and we can also be the most reckless in the team (think Captain James T. Kirk). 

Sometimes it confuses us, especially during our teenage years. We find that we can be many many people. We can have different personalities around different people. Some people find it that it is hard to determine who they themselves are because of such complexity of the human mind. It confused me once. Thankfully, after understanding the fact that we are many people in our lives, I've stopped struggling with myself and just let 'the chips fall where they may' about my life. 

I don't go about trying to be who I'm not. I just go about trying to be what I think is right. That may be narcissistic, some of you may say. But then again, some of us live the days not even knowing who we are and try to fool other people (and mostly importantly ourselves) that we must live according to the 'self' that other people think we are. So I, for one, am thankful of who I've decided to become. No matter which 'self' that I am, I am myself, always changing.

Now, that's my opinion. If you had one minute to think about the 'selves' that are swimming around in your brain, who do you think is the real you?

A heart's inspiration: While you're away... *laughs*

This is one of the times where I actually feel more philosophical, thus the reason I'm writing now. 3 days ago, it was (is) me and Ange's 5th month together. When I'm together with him, I never really think about the fact that he is my boyfriend. In my mind, I actually refer to him as 'the person that I spend as much time as I can with'. The sentence 'he is my boyfriend' never really comes into mind. And I find that really interesting. Because just the thought of that sentence makes my heart skip a beat, excited. But it will only last for one second until I think of the sentence again. 

I'm guessing that fact sentences like that excites me, though it doesn't really appear much in my mind naturally. Growing up, I never really think of getting boyfriends, or even having one. To be honest, the idea of a 'boyfriend' didn't even exist in my dictionary. To me at that time, me having a crush on a boy would just mean that I really really want to spend time with him. Back then, I was only 11. So the only way that I wanted to spend time with the boy I had a crush on was to play with him, like kids. We chased each other whenever he teased me about something. We would exchange sentences that we thought were insults. And because of this family hierarchy thing we had in our class back then, I was his wife where he was the third son of the 'mother' of the class. I still find those experiences really fun to think about.

It's probably why whenever I see Ange, all I think about is that I want to spend time with him. The word 'boyfriend' doesn't really come into mind until someone actually asks me who he is to me. Interesting, isn't it? Funny thing is, the sentence of 'wanting to spend time with him' itself doesn't appear. My heart feels it, very strongly too. I'm not really sure why is this interesting to me. *laughs* But I find it relaxing to just write it out.

Now, we're both going through this distance period where we (technically) have to stay apart for 2 months. It's probably going to be the last 2 months holiday that I'm going have in a long while. So to be honest, I am appreciating this holiday a lot. I love being at home, being able to relax (albeit remarks from my parents once in a while to exercise or do the chores). Being able to sleep in my own comfortable bed in an air-conditioned room is a luxury to me too. The room I have at university is just too warm to even feel comfortable. Not to mention the bloody stink bugs that come once in a while to annoy and scare the heck outta me. 

I can say that I'm starting to get used to being away. I probably still can't last too long a period, but compared with the first week (and second), I think I'm doing better at taking the distance in stride. I envy Ange sometimes. He's able to switch off the part where a person is supposed to yearn for the presence almost immediately. But however I envy that trait, I think I still prefer to miss him this way if I have to go through distances, instead of turning off that part of me. This is because I want to know myself that I still love him. As crude as that had sound, I think the moment where I am able to 'turn off' the part of me that misses him, it might be the moment (God forbid) that I stop loving him. And I truly don't want that to happen.

Credits to Google Images.

Oddly enough, it is when he is busy watching a movie that I am able to have time to type out this entry *chuckle*. Once in a while, writing about things does the soul much good. Pity I don't have much patience with handwritten work, especially since my hand does get tired after a while. 

Thought of mentioning how men being partial can risk them losing their female friends. But as my writer's block has arrived in my brain, perhaps another time. =)

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

One to the universe: A philosophy

Finally, a new blog is in place. Damn the new blogger interface. I didn't know where was what after being away from the blogging scene for a while that it took me 3 hours just to get the XML template in. There weren't many blog templates that I fancied, so I figured I'd choose one that suits my mood at the moment. Hopefully I won't be so fickle as to change it again within the next 24 hours. And yes, I am like that. Fickle.

Odd, isn't it? How time flies. Just yesterday I was sipping my hot chocolate, looking out into the pouring rain, contemplating the philosophies of life. *sigh* Oh wait...that was yesterday. Silly me. My memory doesn't serve me too well at times like this. Apologies.

*nose wrinkle* A new blog, a new chapter of life. I wonder what life has in store for me. To be honest, sometimes I look out into space and suddenly get this thought that I am but a human in the whole universe. It's as if I am but a soul, watching a movie through my eyes, Kaitlyn Emily's eyes, and watch everything unfold in her (my) life. I wonder if other people gets the same thoughts, or am I just that mental?

At times I just feel like I'm detached from the whole world. Not really detached. But somewhat like being in limbo watching a movie. A seemingly endless movie. I am Kaitlyn Emily. But I can also be Captain Hook running away from the crocodile, or Cinderella slipping away while leaving behind her glass slipper. Interesting, isnt it? When you think of it that way I mean. 

You're now living as who you are. Perhaps Arthur Cranberry or Peter Malador, well, whatever your name is anyway. You are living, right now, in the life of (insert your name here). Didn't you ever wonder if other people are seeing the same things you're seeing? Or if they are doing the same thing you're doing, but in a different location? Okay, granted. I don't make much sense at the moment because I'm in a state of half asleep and rambling. But I hope you'll catch my drift. It's something interesting to think about when you do catch it. Really...

Or maybe I am just that mental. :) Who knows.