5 months later?

And I'm back here after...what...5 months? Yeah...

What a time to be back here writing. 

Just experienced muscle cramps today. Twice to be exact. Now I know, it isn't all that interesting. But honestly the pain was murder. Can you imagine having your toes twisting with each other as you try to walk in class while teaching? 

In line with that, I'm teaching now. Previously I was teaching at a primary school. And now I'm in a Chinese Independent school. I won't say which, for privacy purposes. But in time I probably will. 

I'm not really sure how to update you guys now. I didn't want to start over with a new blog. That sounds rather silly. But I'll give it a try and see how things go with this update of mine. 

I mentioned that previously I was in a primary school. I was only there for 6 weeks. But it was one of the best 6 weeks of my life. I honestly enjoyed the work, the kids - maybe not so much the parents - and the colleagues. That was March 23rd. The day I started at that school. 

After that, due to certain...persuasions, I decided to leave there and take up the offer of a so-called "better" school. It's my first week there at the new school, going into my second week. And I'm starting to wonder if I've ever regretted anything else so badly. 

I'm not too sure what to express here. 5 months of void, too much to say. Way too many things swim in my mind every single day. It makes me wonder when will I stop wondering. Probably not. *shrugs*

Detached impossibilities...

Have you ever wanted a friendship that is just so effortless, that you need not care about when can you be yourself? Have you ever wanted to just relax in a relationship, not having to worry about whether you're going to be stepping on landmines, or time bombs? 

I've been through these couple of days, planning every step with effort. Because I am a person who loves to be bubbly, squeal-y, and highly enthusiastic with my friendships when the mood comes, I always find it so hard to accept that some people can't be the same. It makes me think whether they're going to hate me for "making an effort" to talk to them. 

I myself have certain timing when I do not want to talk, usually  if it's a person I don't know too well, I won't reply too enthusiastically, but I'll still show a warm welcome regardless. I can do that, so sometimes, I do wonder, why can't anybody else can? They show me warmth, oh yes, they do. But the sort of warmth that makes you feel that it's forced sometimes. Because to me, even a little bit of resistance can make me feel unwanted. Being a linguist and a member of the female species, I catch even the littlest resistance to warmth people give and interpret it to something less warm, especially if I don't know the person that well, which makes it harder to interpret correctly. 

I've met with many time bombs over my years of getting to know people (and no I'm not that old). So dealing with time bombs is somewhat of a learned skill when it comes to me. But it doesn't mean I like dealing with them either. Dealing with time bombs and landmines is really one hell of a journey. I've dated a time bomb. Hated it to the very core till this very day. I need a person who can be lively when I'm lively, and not dead when I need them to be nice. 

Yes, I have to admit, I'm a rather...people-pleasing sort of person. I search for recognition from people, because I am the eldest. I grew up with encouragements and praises for what I did good, and also scoldings from what I did that wasn't good. So I got used to that life, and constantly seek for people's approval of what I'm doing. I guess it's sort of a given now, now that I'm in this different community that literally means seeking approval (nowadays at least). 

Having said all that, it just hurts when you feel someone you like very much (platonically if it's the opposite gender) not having replied you as enthusiastically as they did before, or as you do now. It just makes me feel tired knowing that I have to be careful around these people that I want to be good friends / close friends / long-lasting friends with the most. I don't want to piss them off, obviously. But it's just very tiring to know that you have to plan every step, so as to not overshoot their "like-ness" of you. It's very tiring to know that you have to placate them for them to like you as a friend, even though you very much just want to talk to them and tell them about your day and in turn ask about theirs. 

I haven't written for a while. I guess there hasn't been much in my life that's giving me an inspiration. There's a lot worth writing. Just that I lack that motivation these days. Laziness is almost my middle name *chuckle*. Maybe there's been too much happening around here. Ever since that event ended, I find myself caring more about that other community, when I should have just been detached like I always said I should be. I don't really know how to balance things anymore. 

My emotions go on roller-coaster rides far too easily. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothered with a world that seeks people's recognition, because it only will feed my insecurities far more than decrease it. But it is part of my dream, I think...or is my dream a part of my need to get people's approval? Should I stop that sort of feeling by stopping altogether? 

Sigh...it's hard isn't it? Hard to be non-detached, especially when you never made yourself to be that way. 

Insecurities?

Y'know what? I've come to understand that Facebook has become a very dangerous entity for all those out there, especially those people that go "please notice me!". They sit in front of the computer for hours hoping that something interesting would pop up in their notification's box, better yet if it's from someone they admire. 

I am here now to admit that I do all of that sometimes. I am very insecure about myself at times. Ange knows that very well by now and he tries to deal with it. But then, I am trying to not let it bother me. I forced myself to log off my Facebook a minute ago after waiting for ten minutes wondering if anything would happen after I posted a status. *sigh* This really has got to stop. But how does one stop being insecure?

Insecurity has always been something that's been plaguing me since my childhood. I search for approval from everyone around me, hoping that they would support me in what I do. I couldn't help it, my parents encouraged that and I didn't want to do anything to stop it. Being the eldest child, sometimes it's hard to stop looking for approvals because everyone around me is waiting to disapprove of me. And thus, I try my best to make them approve. It's a harmful cycle, I know. But after more than two decades of going through things like that, I am finding it hard now to change my habits and my state of mind.

I see other people's statuses being commented on and 'liked' and I get sort of depressed / let down when I saw nothing happening on my own stuff. Then I start wondering "isn't my things any interesting?", "Am I not trying hard enough?" or even "should I try harder?". Some of you would see me make an effort because I really am trying to make friends with you, please you guys, be the good / funny friend that everybody would love to have. Yes, I know it's superficial. Yes, I know it's shallow. But boy have I been trying to help it.

In my life, people who truly loves me will love me and be my true loyal friend (and we all know how scarce that can be nowadays). On the other hand, those that hate me / dislike me / is indifferent really comes one too many. Makes me want to sit them all down and talk to them and ask them what the hell did I do to make them feel that way. Some say that it's because I'm that good (in what I'm still not too sure, but still feels good to know I'm 'good' in something :) ), some say it's because I'm good with boys (easier to talk to than girls in general, where I have to worry about if anything I said will offend them), some say that it's because that I'm tall. 

I don't know what am I trying to prove when I try to make people like me. So don't ask me that question. All I know is, I'm trying and I'm still not sure where the heck am I heading with all this. =~=

Marriage... or just plain lack of practicality???

Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap. 

Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name (in a way), to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=

At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together (meaning we're not married), I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently (although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage). So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick. 

With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that. 

I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' (one side in particular) opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most. 

I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly. 

*nose wrinkle*

This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical (more like dreamier) one. 

Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?

Jealousy...an interesting concept

What is it about jealousy that eats at people's hearts? Is it that a green little monster inside our heads suddenly springs to life when he sees things that he thinks we would not like to see? Is it a natural instinct that us humans are unable to change or overcome or to avoid it from happening? I don't know what is it about it. Because usually jealousy is known to come without reason. But...what if jealousy came with a reason this time? 

Good evening. It's been a long 2 to 3 weeks. Many things happened, many of them not too important as they're not about me. Thank Heavens everything that truly concerns me is good, happy and most importantly, safe. A friend of mine broke up with his first girlfriend. Poor Michel is in a grieving state now and I'm about to be off to provide him some company, along with Ange, later at night. 

But that isn't my point today. I've met many things in my journey through life. I've thought of many things that can happen. I've considered many things that people expect me to consider before doing something. But not once did I ever think of having to consider a form of jealousy that is rather...reasonable...

What would you do, dear readers, if you see the love of your life, talking to his ex, with an odd manner while talking? The content of the conversation is, I trust, to be innocent. But then why hide the conversation almost immediately when one tries to view things? It contrasts, that much is evident. And it is the contrast that bothers me at the moment. 

I know that I'm not supposed to be prying around. But granted, one does get curious of such things when it stumbles into our midst. One can't help but to pry. Even he has admitted to prying once, and to this day, that girl still doesn't know what he did. He did it with good reason, so I won't say anything. But as do I now, I do what I do with good reason. The conversation was hid from me, made to seem almost natural, that movement, but me being someone who notices things easily (at least for things that I do want to notice myself), I tend to take everything with a pinch of salt. But it still did make me wonder about it. I didn't want to seem...distrustful, but the urge of wanting to ask about it was there. 

I am a person who asks everything that comes to mind. But why am I trying to seem like the 'good girlfriend' that he deems me to be, when all I want to do is just to ask what on Earth, or why on Earth did he move to hide things? Is it to protect me? Is it an instinct (like everything else that happens sometimes)? Is it something that you didn't realize you were doing until you were doing it? 

I ask from anything to everything. You wondered aloud once why I keep asking questions. I believe I've told him once that usually it could be for conversation's sake. But at certain times, when I ask something, I do genuinely want to know what is going on. But...how can a girl ask something like this, without seeming like I don't trust him? Oh, I trust him, I do. It's just that when there is a movement like that that catches your attention, your heart seems to just waver that bit of a little bit. Thoughts come into your mind...does he still care? Does he regret what happened? Does he this and that...

It is not something I can help, nor it is something that I am proud of. But it is something that comes natural to me and I supposed that I have to come clean about what I'm worried about somehow. I don't want to say that I pried because I was burning with curiosity. I don't want you to mistrust me ever, because I would rather not betray that trust at all. But she was the ex that gave up, you didn't. So any sort of movement, sentence, thoughts, that comes to light to my eyes, it will make me have that worm of jealousy, doubt, worry and insecurity in my head. 

I love him. He should know that. But if asked am I jealous? 

...

Well...I suppose I have to say that...yes...yes I am.

First post of the new year : 2014

First day of the new year of 2014. *rolls rolls rolls about* I have no inkling as to what I want to do now. Oh, I know what I should do, and that is studying for my French exam in two days (but less than 48 hours TAT). But my heart is not letting me want to do it, and I can tell you, that's the highest level of procrastination I can give you. (._. ) When my heart doesn't want me to do something, the thing really can't be done. If I force myself to, all that will come to be is just much yawning and complaints of tiredness.

French, french, french....seriously I am never ever going to take another foreign language again unless I'm sure that I want to commit to that time. Studying for it is such a drag...compulsory, yes I know; but still a drag nonetheless. Now I'm trying to convince Ange that it is best for me to study beside him (although I'm seriously doubting that myself...but then again, I have been known to act when I need to, I've done my best assignments with him by my side for goodness sake =3=) but I'm not sure he'll take me up on that suggestion. O~Q

My first professional dressing up picture is already out, thanks to Michael Tang Photography. It reminds me to get a new corset, a decent one this time instead of a paper made one from "taobao". OTL Anything from taobao is only worth wearing once (or twice if one really wants to push it). Hopefully, my next attempt at dressing up will be a little more decent. Thinking along the lines of High Priest, Ada Wong or Lina Inverse. Am currently leaning towards Lina Inverse now, but I'm sorta the opposite of how Lina looks like. She's Western (from the name), short and has small boobs (-_-). I won't say anything further than that. =A=

On another note, I'm excitedly waiting for the Sony Xperia Z1 mini to be launched in Singapore and in turn, locally. Ange promised to buy me one so that I don't have to worry about my phone (my sordid Samsung, although lovingly bought by my dad, is starting to make me want to throw it at a wall). God bless him. T^T Been racking my head on how to save up (even if I do save up to a certain amount, obviously I need to save up more than that to actually want to use that amount (._. ) ) and I reluctantly asked him. He said instead of the C that I asked for, he rather get me the Z1 mini so that I won't have to worry about my phone for two years. TAT I love him sho sho much! (so touched...)

May the new year of 2014 bless us with all the happiness, luck, prosperity, smiles, safety and fun that exists. :) Oh yes, can't forget love too. >D God bless us all~ <3

An odd lament

Ever looked at an ex of your beau's and stop and wonder: "Gee...their names actually clicked as a pair in my head once before"? Yeah...you're not the only one. It's not jealousy, not really. It's just that I knew Ange before we got together. Knew him for around less than a year if I'm not mistaken. He was still with her then, although probably already estranged, just that I wasn't in the loop to know it. But in my head, their names clicked together once back then.

I was one of the people who gets curious about certain people, and when I do I actually go to their Facebook and stalk their pictures *laughs*. Well, it was interesting to say the least, when I first got to know Ange. I added him on Facebook (very highly unlikely that it was he who added me first, but there is still that possibility =x) and we somehow just started chatting. I saved a copy of our conversations from when I just got to know him until the few days after we got together. One heck of a long conversation if you ask me. But all the more worth it to read back. 

I'm the type that loves to read a backlog, to see everything again, to relive the romantic memories. I go back to those conversations and think with a cunning thought that the me back then didn't even know that this was going to happen, and the me now knows it. It's a silly thing to think about, I know. But it does give me a sense of satisfaction when I know that the me now knows something the me back then didn't, and it was something crucial.

Ange and I were...to say the least...very good friends back then. He was the person I ranted to about everything in my life, to be honest, I think he was the only one who would listen so patiently. =x As a person who can't really stop talking to certain people, he was a Godsend. So long he had the time, he would oblige to talk to me on an endless time period. And I really appreciate the friendship. It just didn't occur to me that it would get to this point with Ange. Funny how things can work out. =)

My dad constantly chides me about my past decisions, one of them being the decision to study locally when I could have studied abroad. Of all the things I may have regretted, I do not regret staying here. It is by staying here that I have got to meet Ange, and to be with him now, and I thank God for that.

Anyway, back to the original topic (I do get off track a lot when I'm a roll =x). What I was going to say...the girl and Ange's name used to click together once in my head. I used to get a little jealous looking at her name appearing together with his, I wasn't too sure why, oddly saying. Maybe God was trying to send me a message then. It just bothered me a little to see her name there. But as I've said, I didn't know why. I didn't even acknowledge that feeling and just brushed it off and wished the man well. 

I don't know why am I even breaching the subject here. But it just occurred to me as odd, because when I see her name anywhere near his now, I feel a stronger (stronger, but not strong) jealousy there. And now I acknowledge it, as if it's something familiar. No matter what, she once was what he fancied, I can't be all too comfortable with that right? But then again, I know have nothing to worry about. I trust him with my heart. It's just sometimes, the heart gives me a kick in the wrong direction that I know I should not follow, but am still thrust upon the doorway of that path anyway, tempting, albeit it being a very weak temptation indeed. Unreasonable jealousy was never a strong temptation in the first place right?

Looking at what they said again...yeah, the pang is still there. It's just something natural, I think (?). It's not easy seeing your beau and an ex being so friendly (but then again it's not too hard either considering the circumstances). Technically I am on speaking terms with my exes. But most of them I rather not go near at all, knowing that it would open one hell of a can of worms that no one wants to face. Let bygones be bygones and pretend I don't know them 'cept by name. It's easier to live life that way isn't it? Let my new life take over and forget the past, if only to forget the bad memories. 

Yeah it's probably the fact that I have nothing to do (technically speaking, I do have assignments on my tail, just that RO distracted me =x) that I am typing all of this now. But then again, I welcome these moments, regardless of the topics. I rarely get the motivation to write, let alone write so long a piece, gibberish put aside of course. Well, it's late. It's off to bed then. Ange's at the movies with Keats now (sounds like the poet, doesn't he? =3 Keats I mean...) and I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow. =w=

Have a goodnight folks. And a Happy New Year~ (muehehehehe...)

Bonded to pressure

Every single time I try to write, writer's block comes at me like an anvil in Looney Tunes. BAM!! it goes onto my head. It makes me discouraged to write all of a sudden. And who knows discouraged from what else.

I have been skipping a lot of classes lately, ever since they told me there wouldn't be any barring in school. I skipped where I thought it wasn't important. Like today's French class, I was tired. And my friend Nurul skipped too this morning, she told me. So in a way, I found an excuse for myself to escape too. Smartest friend skipping so it means I can too, that sort of nonsense. Yes...I know it's nonsense. And yet I can't find it in myself to stop it. 

Ange's right. Most of the people in our country isn't ready or disciplined enough to handle a no barring scheme in school. Theory wise, it is up to us to decide whether we can handle not going to class. It is all up to us to decide whether we want to go to school to learn. I am here to learn. That's true. But sometimes it just feels too tiring. And here I'll tell you why.

I am a person who flourish better when around the people I love. If, let's say, I am staying with Ange, living together with him peacefully, I wouldn't mind staying in class. I know, my mind works in funny ways. And yes, I'm probably not disciplined enough either. It's just that, the thought of having to go back to my rented room, if rest is the only thing that is waiting for me, I rather go back earlier. Knowing that I will be able to see Ange regardless of what time my class ends, then I wouldn't mind staying for class.

Now now...I know it's a little twisted. But I really can't help it. I will always enjoy my day so long I know I am going back to Ange, or am going back home to mama and papa, but in this case (please don't say bad things OAQ) I think going back to Ange's holds more of a motivational thing than home. With home I rather go back faster, because it's home.

Why is it that I think that way? I'm not sure really. I just know that I want to be able to live with him, for me to be able to enjoy my day being away from him. This is because no matter what, I know I will always go home to him after everything is done for the day. Mama would probably have my head if she knows this...

And yet, for now I cannot live with him constantly. Not because I'm unable to at the moment. But because there is an external pressure that is coming at me, something that makes me want to stay away from that place altogether, but find myself unable to because that is where I need to be if I want to be with Ange. His mother.

His mother has been giving me hints that I shouldn't be staying with him at all, or the fact that she doesn't like me staying with him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that I'm not thinking too much. I'm only staying with him over the weekends when I'm still around here. But lately, I've been getting the odd feeling that she's trying to hint at me to just not go back there so often, or at all. And it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to ask him to live somewhere else, if it isn't for the fact that he may not be able to support that much yet. 

I want to be with him at a place where I can be myself. I don't want to have to freeze up my body involuntarily whenever I hear the mother's footsteps near his room, wondering if she's going to come in and want to talk to me about asking me not to go there so often anymore. I get scared every single time. And I'm not sure it was even important enough to tell Ange about it. I think by the time he comes home after every teaching session, I would have forgotten that I was ever afraid. 

What do you think I should do? I can't do without being with Ange. I look forward to be able to see him in the morning when I wake up, and say goodnight to him in person when I sleep at night. It's something that I've drilled into my head that I must have every weekend I'm here, it's my way of escaping and relaxing every single weekend. Granted, staying here in my rented room, there is no pressure. There is only silence (with the occasional roommate talking) and relaxation, because there is no pressure for me to be here. But there is loneliness. 

Without being with Ange, or being somewhere that has to do with Ange when I know I can be, I feel a little lost, not to mention bored. Seeing him, being with him, just being there, is just like an ability to breathe, it comes naturally. When he isn't around, and it's during the weekdays, my heart feels somewhat constricted. As if my body has already recognised the time with him as relaxation time therefore during the weekdays I'm not allowed to relax at all. But problem comes when the weekend plans gets messed up all of a sudden. I've been through that once a few weeks ago, I practically broke down. Thankfully, Ange (bless him) saved me from having to go through the weekend looking like the undead (from bouts of crying).

I need Ange and my family with me at times when I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, my solutions are not what you call 'family-friendly' at the moment. And whenever I go to Ange's, I feel so friggin' pressured that I'm trying hard to life the pressure by trying to be chummy with his mother, but to no avail sometimes I feel. I've only known mothers who wants to show me solidarity (albeit against their sons sometimes in mischeif~ hehehe) and also friendship. So I really am at my wit's end about how to deal with his mother. And worse, how to deal with her when me and Ange actually finally decide to get married.

I feel like I really need him by my side right now, to ease this rope I seem to have on my spine. I seem to physically feel my stress and I know it's not a good thing (and people wonder why I eat so much, ever heard of stress eating?) but I don't know how to dispel away the bonds. I can ask him to come pick me up for a while. But somehow I feel so long it's late and I won't be going to his place anyway, there is no point, the bonds will just come back after he leaves me in the room again, until the weekend. I really want to live together with him. But what can I do unless he lives somewhere else? O~Q

I miss being home...

In a blink of an eye, it's already 2 weeks to school reopen for me. I really don't know what to feel actually. I really want the holidays to drag. For one reason I can actually have a reason to go up to KL again: because I still have a LOONNNGGGG holiday ahead of me. But now, with only 2 weeks left, one contemplates on whether it's worth the trip when I'm going to be back there in 2 weeks anyway. Being able to spend time with my family should be the key point at the moment. I'm at the position where I really want to spend time with my family, especially my parents, as much as I can, and I also want to see Ange again. 

Tomorrow I'm going to run with my cousin. With only 2 weeks left in my chances to sleep late and I'm 'wasting' it by deciding to go jog around with le cousin. Every part of me is screaming at me "are you crazy???!"...heh. After tomorrow then I'll stay lazy until school starts. =w=

Thinking back to my old self, I've realised how much I've actually changed over the years. From a girl who had the opinion that friends were over family, I have now become a person who puts family above everything, my parents in particular. Then comes le beau and then le friends. I feel like I know the real important people in my life now. God bless my family...and also Ange. =) The rest, to be honest, can just take a number until when I am actually bothered to care about them. They've never given me much of their time of day, some of them do, but most of them don't, even when I did. So I don't see the point of making them any sort of priority. They're the options.

When I marry in the future, I want to be able to stay somewhere really really near to my parents. I really wouldn't mind staying here in my hometown. For one thing, I would be available for my family whenever I'm needed. And I'm able to visit my parents every weekend like mama does now. I guess it's only the job problem that I've got to worry about. My hometown isn't exactly booming with new businesses. But I guess it's a topic that I can only think about when the time comes. 

Two is perfect but is three a crowd???

Do we ever feel jealous whenever our best friends try to bring a new friend into the fold? Or when the new friends try to squeeze themselves into the fold? Well...I've been through both. And through my experience, both of them really isn't pleasant at all.

When it comes to friendships, I'm rather territorial. I don't mind extending my hand of friendship to a new person that I have just met. But when that particular person is invited in without my consent or tries to push in the fold without my consent, I will feel my shackles rise. My brain will naturally want to reject that person away from me, and most importantly, away from the group. I just don't want to lose the solidarity that I have with the current friend, especially if it is a best friend. 

There have been too many cases in my life where the current friend pushed me out of the circle because of that new friend. Granted, some of you would say that maybe they weren't 'steady' enough to be my best friend in the first place. Or maybe I did something wrong. But no, I always try my best to be the loyal and helpful friend. I've never done them wrong. So my guess is as good as yours. Maybe I just wasn't interesting enough.

At any rate, self-pity aside, I just don't like it whenever a new person comes into the fold forcibly (through my eyes). My (gay) best friend Callum has asked to bring a new friend to our gathering. More of a date than a gathering, seeing as it is only two people. This new friend is a girl that I know exists. We talk fairly little, mostly only random comments on each other's posts on Facebook, and even that is once in a blue moon. Through Callum, I have known that this girl has some sort of a same interest as me and him, Literature and books. She blogs too, but I rather not include her blog in here. 

Now, Callum is gay. So obviously (in case some of you think so), there is no romantic intention towards him whatsoever. I waste no time in telling you that I am poker straight. But I am just the type of person that cannot stand someone else trying to bring in someone new. Probably it's some sort of a trauma from past experiences. I tend to think negatively of the person they try to bring in, even for no reason at all. 

This girl, I shall call her Fiona (a name I really don't like in the first place, so you can see where I'm coming from), is not someone I can relate to. To be honest, I'm not even sure that I want to relate to her or connect with her. She speaks English and thus, language is not the barrier. But Callum and I have this bond, this bond where it enables me to crap about whatever topic under the Sun. And I personally feel that anyone else who is there will just ruin the bond. I've been through the same with Elene and her boyfriend where when she's around, I am unable to talk about anything personal with him, with him being my past best friend. 

I don't know what I should think right now. But I guess if Callum is willing to bring her in a once in a long while gathering together, I'm guessing that he isn't that exclusive a friend after all. Someone told me once that having a smaller circle of friends means you don't have to take much crap from people. Usually a smaller circle means most of your friends knows you very well and vice versa. But in my case, I'm guessing that having a small circle of friends only makes me risk being hurt by them more and not being able to have back up. Harsh as that sounds, this is reality.

True friendship and what comes with it

Today, I'm going to talk about friendships. It occurred to me that sometimes, people don't know what it takes to be a true friend. I've seen people with friends left, right and center. Every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to be their friend. It makes me doubt whether that person is trying to make friends, or just trying to increase their popularity. Granted, there are people like Gabriella Montez in High School Musical that just make everybody like them, without trying. But in this time of day, I find that when I see people who has more than two thousand friends on Facebook (and increasing each day), I'm not sure that I can believe those people are even people that they know. 

There's a thousand on my own page but I am trying to cut out the ones that I don't even know. I used to want to have a lot of friends on my social sites. We were using Friendster back then. In Friendster, there was this thing that we call 'featured friends'. I would add those people who were 'popular' (so to speak) and 'famous'. And if we were close enough, I would eagerly put them as my featured friend. Now, about half a decade later from then, I find that it is very over-rated to show people how many friends you have on Facebook when half of them is just for show. Thus, I am making a point to un-friend anybody that I do not even know (even if it's just knowing that they exist in my hometown) when their birthday notifications pop up. Everybody has a birthday, so I expect that I'll narrow down the list after 365 days. *chuckle*

I want to talk about true friendships. Friendships where both sides contribute to the relationship. A close friend of mine has offered me this analogy of friendships, or any relationships to for that matter. He dubs it the 'push and pull' theory. Imagine an empty room, with just a door. That room is the space for our relationships, be it friendships, kinship or romantic relationships. Imagine two people in the room, two friends, two lovers, two siblings, you pick. Now imagine their aura emitting around them, filling the room equally, or as equally as you can. If I have to draw out an image, it would be something like this:

The two circles are the two people. The pink is one person's aura, and the blue, the other person's aura.

In a normal push and pull relationship, one person would push and the other would pull (their auras in or out), making sure that the room (the relationship) is always filled. However, let's say when the Pink pushes too much, the Blue will find that he needs to contribute less to the relationship. And when Pink has pushed too long then decided to pull back to see what Blue would do, it would be a while for Blue to feel the emptiness to push back. Worse comes to worse, Blue would find the need to go out the door, as in get out from the relationship. 

It's a fairly simple analogy, and I credit my friend Zeke for giving me this information. It has been a bundle of usefulness in my life, trying to use it to explain to people who would not care nuts about a certain relationship, friendship or kinship. I use the theory to comfort myself too, whenever I find myself pushing too much, then pulling back only to realize that the other person doesn't push back immediately at all.

The 'Push and Pull' theory is what we usually call the give and take. Push means putting in effort. Pull means allowing the other person to make the effort for you to maintain that relationship.

I've been in friendships that required me to do most of the pushing, only because I'm the more enthusiastic one. But to know that the other person isn't pushing back at all when you try to pull, you find that your efforts were a little redundant. 

Miss Wilhelmina was that particular person in my life. Mina came from a distant land to my university to study. During the first semester, she was alone. Everybody didn't know anyone, so obviously some of us get a little distant in fear of stepping into a new world. Then came the second semester. I befriended Mina and we became best friends in due time. I talked to her, I accompanied her, I sat with her, I taught her languages that she wanted to learn. This friendship continued into the third semester. Any drama I had in my life, I told her about it, and thankfully, she was (is) open-minded enough to give opinion and support me in whatever I decide to do. 

I took in to heart to go out of my way to take care of her. Coming from another land, I was pretty sure that she missed her home. And so I made it a point to ask her out, bring her go shopping, for a drink and so on. I would even go to her hostel to do assignments together while gossiping the day through. Granted, it was fun while it lasted. Fourth semester hit and I found another friend through her, Kate. Kate's different from Mina. If I were the vivacious, active and loud person, Mina would be the balanced one (loud when she has fun but quiet in other places), and Kate would be the totally introverted one. Kate and Mina were close from the start, so I welcomed her into the group. Alas, little did I know, Kate would be the one who'd end up being my close friend, instead of the latter.

After a while I noticed changes in Mina. To set a day for the three of us to have a girls day out is like making an appointment with the President of the United States. Actually, I think the latter would have been easier, because Mina kept bailing on me. The last straw came when she bailed on me at the last minute for the third time. I ignored her, and brought Kate out for a fun time with Ange's help. Kate understood what I went through as Mina made her go through what I did a few times already. She was too chicken to walk out the door (reference to the push and pull theory), so she advised me to do so before I got hurt further. I understood, Mina had other friends now with me helping her to fit in, so she wanted to forget me. I got the message and backed off.

I take friendships seriously. I take care of the friends whom I see as true friends. I don't forsake them, I treat them fairly, and I make sure that even when I have a boyfriend I will never abandon them when they need me. I don't understand why others can't see that when they just cut off their friends just to please their other half, what they're doing is unfair. I've had best friends who cut me off because their girlfriends got jealous of me, though I had no intent to make my mark (or any mark for that matter on their boyfriends). I have a boyfriend myself, might I remind them again.

True friends won't cut you out of their life without an explanation. If you need to stay away from any of your friends for a while because of a boyfriend or girlfriend (especially a girlfriend since girls are rather touchier), make sure you at least explain yourself. It's not fair to treat any of your friends unfairly by just cutting them out for no reason. It will just show that you are too immature and without a back bone to at least have the guts to explain. In Mandarin, people like to say that 一定要给他人一个好好的交待, I find that very commendable. 

Credits to Google Images 

At least one of the past best friends who did try this on me came back to me to make it up. But his girlfriend Elene still isn't that decent. She still wants to be possessive in front of me, to show me that he is hers. So I'm here to tell you this, lady. Your boyfriend is yours to keep, but what you are doing is just showing that you're not confident enough in yourself to keep him around. I would never try to take any of my friends away from their other half. But I don't expect the other half to take my best friends away from me. I'll be fair to you, I won't even try to slander you to him although I know that is what you did before in an attempt to tarnish my good relations with him. You do what you see fit, but don't expect me to see highly of you when that happens. God bless you when you've realized what you yourself have done. Amen.

I think I need a therapist...

I've lived my whole life basing it on the thoughts of 'not troubling other people'. Being empathic, I pretty much have to live my life that way to be able to live with myself. I am such a sucker for guilt trips that I pretty much make myself end up the one who endures all the setbacks so that everybody else can live easy. It comes with being too self-conscious for my own good. But it's something that I can't help. I grew up this way. *scoff* I guess I should thank my mother for teaching me to be this way, seeing as she is this way herself. 

They say it is a blessing to be able to think both ways, or as many ways as there is possible. People like me are able to debate critically, hitting at every single possibility that the other person might give. People like me are also able to understand very well, if not empathize, what the other person is feeling, thinking and dreaming. This makes me able to give good advice to others, knowing when they need advice and when they need comfort.

Well, it is a blessing, in a way. But a curse as well. Because I'm empathic, I find myself understanding other people a little too much, and in turn wanting to give in to them just because I know where they came from. I forget that sometimes, being human means putting my foot down, especially when it's something that is important to me. Problem is, usually if I go with what I want, the guilt that comes after that seeing everyone's sad faces is something that I myself am not even sure that I can take. As I've mentioned, I'm a sucker for guilt trips. It's bad enough that I put this on myself. It's worse when other people try to put guilt on me. 

Sometimes I feel that nobody's going to be able to understand what exactly the hell am I going through. I've only had one acquaintance where he is empathic too. Alas, being a man (more like a boy who's just trying to show people how superior he is), he cannot exactly fathom what emotions go through the female heart, let alone one that is added with a strong sense of empathy. He tells me to just let go of my sense of humanity, and just assume that I am special and different. People are going to just keep wanting me to understand them, and he says I've got to accept that and just let go. 

After listening to what you have got to say to me, I've got this to say. I'm sorry, but I cannot let go of the hope that humanity can still be understanding. Probably because I understand where humanity has come from. I care about the people around me. I care about them so much I would do almost anything for them (well, certain people that is...). Getting hurt and angry whenever they give me a reaction that pretty much spells out ridiculousness (though their blind hearts cannot see it), is something that I cannot help. Because I do expect them to understand better than I do. For those younger than me, I only hope that I can guide them well enough to understand the people around them. For those who are older, I expect them to know more than I do. Unfortunately, without empathy, most of them can't reach that expectation. 

On a related subject, I have already been living every day trying to just not let myself get into trouble. Or as an ex once told me, follow the 11th commandment (that he invented), just don't get caught. *chuckle*

My birthday is looming near, and I am excited about it. It's the one day where I can use as a reason for people to understand me instead of the other way around. And yet, other people still want me to understand their ways, and follow them, forgoing my plans and my hopes. I move to follow them and yet still try to get my plans to work, compromise as I call it. But my mother gives vetoes after vetoes that just eats at my empathy because I know I should be listening to her by moral standards. 

My empathy tells me to just let him stay home, and let them celebrate my birthday alone without him, just because it'll be less troublesome and less dangerous for him that way. But I just have a feeling that if I forgo my hopes and plans completely for that day, I would regret so badly for the rest of the year. I don't want to sacrifice myself just so others can have an easier life. I've understood people well enough for the past two decades. I have taken the high road and always, always tried to explain to people when I know that they're doing things wrong. 

To him, I've always tried to put things right, instead of going by my pride. I've always tried to make the communication between us smooth and obstacle free. I've gone out of my way to make him happy by showing him that I really care and love him, especially on his birthday, even if he didn't care much about birthdays in general. I did not let distance be an excuse for me to not show that I care about him. Just because my love language of physical touch cannot be used during the distance period doesn't mean I can say that it's too troublesome for me to do anything else to show that I care. I just sincerely hope that he can do the same for me, and not just tell me that even answering me a yes or no is troublesome. 

A girl just wants to feel cared for, loved and the priority. I've tried my best to give my heart to you. I don't want a sense of bond where the other half feels that everything else is more important than me. My empathy would probably allow me to just understand that you just have other things to worry about. No, not allow, make me more like. But I don't want a relationship where my empathy have to make me understand everything. I don't want to have to understand at all. A loving relationship isn't supposed to be that way. Understanding yes. But understanding for every moment where even an unsure event is more important than my birthday, more important than just seeing me, that's just too much for me to take. 

I don't need you to really make me the top priority in everything. I just want to be the top priority in something...because right now, I really just feel like I'm everyone's second choice, even yours. And if I can't even feel like I'm the top priority for my birthday if not any other day, then what's the point of me living as a person?

My mother asked me why can't I just not see him. For someone who doesn't understand, I guess I cannot blame her. She just doesn't understand how our relationship goes. She doesn't understand what I expect and what I give. She thinks I don't have to give anything and thus not having to expect anything. But if that were true, a relationship wouldn't exist. Because even in friendships, there is something called give and take.

I have to see him because it is part of my love language. I am a person who cannot take long distances for long periods of time. I've had to go through that once before. I know what hell that was. I cannot bear to let my heart go through that raw again. Call me weak, if you like. Call me dependent. Call me whatever words you like. But I will say this, everyone is different. It is only with empathy that I am able to understand at least half of them. But you whom are without it, don't judge others with your own principles because chances are, without empathy, your principles will crumble when debated with someone else who has it.