A day in a day...

Sitting here, I feel tired, depressed, dead, with no appetite. I threw half my food away, more out of the depressing feeling rather than out of lack of hunger. I'm pretty sure my appetite would be back soon, when I feel better. 

Had a tiff with Ange, and at the moment, I'm just too reluctant to just say 'let it be' (as always, you can say). There's a lot of time where Ange would not understand how my mind works, how disappointment is one of the worst things someone can do to me, especially after I've been looking forward to something, only to find out at the last minute that we're not going. 

Ange insist that he's said enough to allow me to assume (key word is here) that we won't be going to a certain place. Being the linguist that I am, being the arrogant, pissed off linguist that I am, my head screamed : If that is what you think is enough for me to start "assuming" then you can just go screw yourself." 

1) He has this habit of telling me never to assume. 

So whatever he asks me or implies at me to assume without giving me a straight answer, can just fly out the window, preferably from the hundredth floor. 

2) He has this habit of "giving up" on talking whenever he thinks it's too much of an effort to argue. 

Ironically this doesn't happen with minor facts...or even facts that he thinks is right. This is probably my kiasu self talking for a while, but if you not talking means you "never lose" to me, bullshit. You want me to see your point, say it. Else I know that you don't have a point, or know that even if you put forth your point you will end up having nothing to say.

3) He didn't argue which led me to 'assume' that we're going somewhere other than home. 

By saying "that place is too far" at the front, and saying nothing after I continue on and on about going there, he thinks that it is enough to allow me to know that we're not going to that certain place. Eh hello, I'm not a mind reader. I don't treat you like one, I'm sure. So blardy hell quit treating me like one just because your laziness can't even let you finish your opinion in an argument. 

To the men out there, speak your mind or your silence will be 'assumed' as compliance or acceptance, especially after the girl giving one hell of a good explanation and case presentation. Never just put whatever she says off and just plan your own route and then only letting her find out at the end that she won't be going to where she wants to go. Not to be selfish, but at least tell it to her face that you guys aren't going somewhere, or deal with the disappointment anger that WILL come, mark my words. 

Never ever let me feel disappointed, or at least without a good and valid reason. Not telling the truth of your opinion and then expecting me to know it is bullshit okay. You can take that part of you and throw it out the hundredth floor window now because that is going to land you in a pile of dung. You don't even see the depth of what you did to my feelings. And yes, it blardy hell is important.

The thing about girls treating guys as mind readers only is crap. Guys do the blardy same thing to girls, especially local men, because they care about their damned pride / don't care about making an effort to lose their pride a little. All that of which will cause people like me, who actually did make an effort a lot to go full swing to stop an argument, talk first after an argument, and insist on making it up. All you get nowadays are people who don't care shit about the other person when they're mad. 

I did what I had to do, paid my dues. So why the blardy hell aren't you feeling what you're supposed to feel? Lazy? Go die. That's what I can tell you. 

And yes, I can be Irene Adler, screwing you and then demand that you please me. But I have that love for you which changes everything. I want to, but I can't bring my heart to do it because I'm scared of losing you. Do you care shit about making that effort? That TOTAL effort? Yeah...you can't be bothered because you're too lazy to make that effort. 

Post-MS?

You know that one point where a girl (or anyone else, I wouldn't know) starts feeling irritated by every single thing that happens. Like a hair that fell on the arm and itches, like the scalp that itches even though you just washed it that morning, like the hair that fell on your face that itches, like idiot people getting under your skin and your brain is itching to tell you to shut them up (you know you can do it...just that...well...they're still your friends). 

Ange tells me that it's that time of the month's fault. But I seem to think differently. That time of the month never bothers me. But hell, all the other small stuff does. I had gastric pains on the way back home from The Legend of Hercules the movie (legend my butt...saddest case of Hercules story I've ever seen - only in my opinion). Being hungry - the gastric obviously - didn't help my irritation, neither did the bad movie. 

Ange tried his best to make me happy again. Knowing I was hungry he went to a mamak after dropping our friend home. I knew he was doing something consciously to make me feel okay again. But man I do wish that I know what's the reason that is bothering me. My theory is that it's all the tiny tiny reasons put together (those irritating hairs!!!!!). I'm consciously trying to feel better again. Of course feeling tired / sleepy doesn't help. Thinking about that, it even led me to the thought that we have 24 hours in a day. Why the hell do we feel sleepy after what...14 hours? 

Lack of thinking people do these days....

Heh...the essence of dating, as they say, is to remember to give your partner enough space to move around, so to speak. I'm all for giving enough space to people, seriously. But at least know enough to send me a word when you're going off somewhere, instead of when I ask, and then only you tell me that you've been off somewhere. If you told me beforehand, I wouldn't have needed to ask and frustrate now would I? =A=

Sigh...I really don't know what men are thinking sometimes. I get it that men don't have the same idea of safety as we do, or at least, in general they don't. The men I know almost think that they're invisible to the world, and God forbid even if anything happened, they would be able to handle themselves. But they forget that their loved ones are still waiting for them at home, wondering if they're okay. 

Seriously guys...just think of the people who you know will worry about where you are where you seem to disappear off the face of technology. We all don't have powers to teleport us to wherever you are to make sure if you're okay. So just have the decency to just send word of where you are if you're planning to go off somewhere, or go off to a guys' night out stuff or something, especially if you don't plan to reply that loved one for moments of time. Trust me, it'll do you, and her a lot of good if you make that effort. =.=;

And don't give me the crap of you don't think that it's dangerous, or the classic "I'm okay what...", or even "it's nothing suspicious why should I inform also". I know most men would love to answer that. Bullshit I say. We girls love you for a reason. We just want to know if you're okay, and if all of a sudden if you don't seem to reply for hours, we worry. We accept that there's a chance you won't reply us during your guys' night out. But for goodness sake accept that we will worry and you HAVE to at least send word when we do ask you where you are, especially with a worried tone, if not at the start when you head out.

It's not hard honestly. Just type "I'm heading out with who who who", and click SEND. So hard for you to spare that 10-40 seconds (depending on the speed that you type obviously)? She's the one you love right? Shouldn't be hard to spend a certain few seconds just to ease her worries if any come at all. Think men. THINK from our side for a moment... =A= I'm already thinking of your side, so at least make half the journey to meet me in the middle. 

Jeez...things men do these days....

Annoying things about children

I seriously don't understand certain children sometimes. Yes folks...children, because as big as they are, they seem to have the common sense of a pea. Now let me tell you why...

I see so many of the new generation nowadays trying to 'wannabe's, be it of Western culture or Eastern culture. Hey I have nothing against wannabes, but at least get your concept right. I see people who want to absorb the Eastern culture, and then end up saying the word "bi**h" or "f**k". If you're reading this and you're guilty of the above nonsense, seriously, just stop. You want to copy a culture, go ahead. But don't go and mix up the culture and think that you're awesome just by "not giving a f*** about what other people think because life screw you too much". You're just being an arse. Just like everyone else that you like to criticise in your Facebook statuses. The Eastern culture that you happen to want to follow so much, doesn't even use a simple swear word ok? Quit mixing up the cultures then maybe you won't look half as stupid as you are now.

"I know I'm a bi**h but I don't care what other people think." - quoted

"Screw you I can post whatever I want on my Facebook". -quoted

"I'm so emo because life screws me over". - quoted

Eh aunty, you're only 14 - 15 please. What do you know about life screwing you over? Why? Because you couldn't get the comic books you wanted? Or is it your parents don't let you go out of the house so often? Ashlyn at home is your age but even she isn't as clueless as you are now.  

And yeah you can post whatever you want on a social site. People still have a right to say what they want to say. If people call you narrow minded for what you said, think about it and accept their answer lah. They probably have a reason for doing so anyway, you probably sound crap stupid to them. Did you ever think of that? Vice versa I'll have to admit. But you're the one who sounds childish here. Kind people text you personally to scold if they don't want to embarrass you. Then that other aunty (all of the same age, sorta shows you what sort of 'new generation' we have nowadays, God save our country) come and be high and mighty about people not have the guts to put it in public. Eh mak cik, people trying to help you save face you want them to scold in public ah? I think if it's me I okay punya. At most you will be the one embarrassed only mah. Anybody who come argue with me without common sense memang die gao gao. 

And thirdly, if you know you are a b***h, then change la mak oi! Very nice being mean and ignorant issit? Very nice being stupid issit? Very nice being called a b***h issit? This is called looking for trouble, then later go blame other people when they start scolding you for giving a bad impression. 

Very stupid...very very very stupid.

As they say in the local slang: macam bodoh jer, macam bodoh jer...

Angry bursts...

Have you ever just felt like people look down upon you when you try to join in something that they're in? Have you ever felt like you just don't belong somehow, and there is no point trying to justify that you do belong? Have you ever felt like you want to have something superior, just so they take what they're thinking of and shove it up their tight arses? Call it pride, ego or whatever you choose to put it as. But regardless, it sucks when people are just being jackasses, whether they have a mental condition or not is not a consideration. Enough excuses are being made for this person and to be honest, I've had it.

For one moment just now, I wished that I could have telekinesis, or the ability to orb things. Seriously it would do me a lot of good. For one thing, so long I keep it a secret, I can mess things up for people in a way they won't know how. Things upturned, objects thrown around. And I can imagine it will be a very good pressure reliever, one closing of the fist and the stuff in that person's room gets destroyed, messed up and thrown about, ahhh...the satisfaction.

Pity all this can only be in my head. If only magic exists. It'll rub that stupid stare of that kid's face before the magician can say 'alakazam'. 

Negativity and the negatives

I am protective. And I've just realised that I wasn't like this before. Is it because of the bullying in my past that made me change into this negative self-protective person that other people try to avoid being my friend? Am I not worth being someone's friend?

Callum was right. We really have to have other friends other than the beau. Gives more drama to talk about other than the technical stuff. And yet, when I look at myself, I know that I am negative about things a lot. I don't like it when people are / make it seem that they are better than me. I just have a habit of giving the opposite opinion. If other people are positive about something, I tell them something negative about it to balance things out, and vice versa. But when it comes to people of the past who looked down on me, who bullied me, who just put front the image of themselves being better than other people, sometimes it makes me feel resentful. I feel like as if they don't deserve the image that they portray. 

There are people who just exudes a certain aura that shows their status, but without being snobby or without being show off-ish. Those are the people that really deserves to be where they are. They don't try to show their superiority, they just exude that particular aura that makes me feel very impressed.

Alas, those people are very rare nowadays. In my whole life I've only seen a few who are like that, worth being impressed about. When it comes to those who purposely want to show off, I immediately have a certain judgement about them. Granted, we should not judge. But this is something that I cannot help. I utterly dislike those people who has once done me wrong, or has ever given me a bad impression. Even if they've changed to be a better person, I cannot help but to continue to resent them. We shouldn't judge people by their past, true. But that's only possible if what they did in their past does not include you. 

Would you forget a bully if you were bulllied by them once before? Even if they changed into a saint, you'll find yourself maybe able to forgive them, but never being able to forget. And since the people who did me wrong once before didn't become saints, safe to say that I still haven't forgiven them. They're don't deserve the forgiveness. You can say that they don't care anyway, and not forgiving them is just harming myself. But I cannot find it in myself to forgive them. They really just don't deserve it. 

Because of all that, I'm almost negative by nature. People around me are so positive that I always give the opposite opinion anyway. Is it because of this that friends seem to shy away from me? Or at least, if not shy, they don't remember me when they think of friends? 

Granted, it is safer to keep my opinions to myself. My friend Edward said once, it is safer to not say anything so that people won't have anything to put against you. Ange has that principal too. Alas, I'm not a person who can keep anything inside myself. I've learnt when I was a child that if you kept anything to yourself, nothing good will come out of it. You'll just suffer more. Either the bullies will continue to do what they will, or the idiots will continue to become idiots. So why not tell them that they're being idiots? They won't like it? So what? If they don't listen, isn't it their own folly? 

These are the few questions that I ask myself constantly from time to time. Why don't we tell people who are idiots that they are idiots? Why do we keep things to ourselves to save our butts and to continue to watch people be idiots? When I say idiots, I mean those who are trying to make themselves look like hoes, those who join in things because they just want to be popular, and so on. 

*sigh*

I also get jealous very easily in certain cases, but usually the first time is with a very valid reason. Anytime after that, because my mechanism recognizes that this person has done me wrong once (whether they themselves know it or not), especially when they've never apologized, my heart continues to want to be negative towards this person, even if it's is for a simple reason, rational one or not. And it irritates me further when the person I tell this negativity to, supports that person. Inside my head, my subconscious must be screaming : "why can't you see that this person doesn't deserve your praises???!! Why can't you be on my side for a change????!!!! Why must you be a freaking pacifist????!!!"

Cruel...and unreasonable, I know. I have that side of me. But as I've said, it is something that we cannot help. Edward once said to me, intelligently, we know what we're supposed to do. We know where the boundaries are supposed to be set. We try our best to fend off what people deem is bad and negative. But emotionally, when the feelings come, they will come. We cannot stop them, neither can we tell them to go away. It is something that we humans cannot help but to follow. How true...

So what do I do? 

After assignment frustration...

It is only now that I've just finished my final presentation for tomorrow's Rheatorical class. 1.30am in the morning huh? Lovely. *nose wrinkle* I wanted to blog earlier, but I was rather afraid of not having enough time to complete the whole friggin' thing. I was annoyed at all the smallest things around me. I hadn't bathed, I hadn't finish the speech and the shorter hairs on the back of my neck are prickling me to no end, not to mention the mosquitoes that is flying around the place, waiting for an opportunity to bite me.

I miss Ange today. Really badly. You don't know how much I want to just be with him and just sleep there right now, isolated from the whole world. His room is like that, isolated. Makes it nice when you just want a mini getaway every day after school. Unfortunately, my place here isn't like that, which means it's adding to my stress at paramount amounts. Damn the lecturer for making us do this. Jeez...

I've got to pop to bed. This is just a short post, but at least still better than nothing. :) 

Goodnight world.

Best-Dressed? Best fraud more like...

No matter how I try, nothing seems to be worth the effort. For days I've stayed up late trying to complete the gloves which I thought would give me the edge to at least be noticeable and at last, win the Best Dress Award. It is general knowledge that for the Best Dress Award, one usually has to dress according to the theme, look fabulous in it, and also, be different. That has always been the key.

But tonight, I felt like the definition of Best Dress Award has been changed. Changed. To Miss Popularity. Because the person that won tonight, was a clone of three. Three girls, wearing almost the same thing, two of them 100% identical on their outfits and accessories, except the colour choice. One was green and another was pink. And there was me thinking initially that they wouldn't stand a chance at winning anything with those identical outfits. Boy, was I proven wrong. The green one won. 

She was no different from the tens of other girls who donned ribbon hair ties and A line dresses with their loopy earrings. Even the friggin' stilettos were the same design with Miss Pink. Only the colour remains different. If colours were the criteria, then screw the damned theme, someone just wear a rainbow coloured dress to the party and she'll be crowned best dressed. *smirk* A clown could win. 

Now, people would say that I am bitter because I didn't win. No, that isn't the case. If the person that won deserved to win, I would not spare her the congratulations that she deserves to get from me, a fellow contender. Last year, someone of worthy status took the crown. And I congratulated her with no qualms or hesitation. Because she was different. She caught the people's eye. People voted for her. I conceded defeat with satisfaction.

In this case, people did not get to vote. Someone unknown decided. And the someone who won was a clone, a complete clone, of another in the same party. So explain to me this, how the hell did she wear any differently from her clone? Why the hell does she deserve the Award? Can someone tell me who the hell decided on this nonsense and also, can that someone give a legit explanation as to how Miss Pink Clone won the award? Because, right now, it feels like there is no difference to the elections.

The award may not seem like anything to you guys, dear readers. But it means a lot to me when I put in one hell of an effort in dressing to kill and to see it fall to the hands of someone unworthy. I am no sore loser. I concede when I know I am truly defeated (in the sense of having a better costume). I congratulate the winners with an open heart and a smile (no matter how much I don't feel like smiling, granted I will still be disappointed). But to see someone as such holding the award, sorry, I feel no intention to congratulate you. You do not deserve such a praise. Yes you look nice. But like almost everyone there tonight, you're nothing but a clone. The End.

p.s. Ange has been very very sweet to me even though I don't feel too happy. Just want to take this chance to say thank you :) Love you lots. xoxo

Back home...

It's a cloudy day after a bout of rain. Me and Ange are just sitting in my house's upstairs living room, both doing our own assignments. The Usama song is starting to get to my head. *swt* Mama bought all of us an ice cream cone from the passing ice cream man that comes around 3pm to 4pm everyday of the week. *chuckle* Nice to be able to eat all this stuff again. Man, I miss home so much. 

Credits to Google Images

I am very very sleepy at the moment. Not sure how on Earth am I going to finish a full paper today. But I suppose I must. I have to complete another paper by this weekend. Another Saturday / Sunday working on a paper. Meh! 

But eh~ better than rushing four papers in a week anyway. It's good enough that it's split to two a week. I still got my Pragmatics and Sociolinguistics class full project paper to complete. Not to mention the elusive Syntax paper that we're supposed to be doing, although God help us on that one, cause the lecturer hasn't been coming for ages. Can't we just cut that paper off our list and just take it in another two semesters? Would be so much easier seeing as we will probably get killed going into the exam hall for that paper anyways.

Maybe a nap before continuing the stupid paper. =3=

Monday mornings...bah!

It's already 12:25 in the morning on a Monday. I just finished poking at a Hello Kitty wool felt doll. I must say that took a little bit more effort than usual. I don't like to do lines so much compared to the bigger patches. But eh~~ sacrifices must be made for near perfection, oui?

Classes starts at 10am in the morning and I am dreading to wake up so early. 8am, on a Monday. And people wonder why they call it Monday blues? Well...then again, my Wednesdays are busier. Got to wake up at 6am for that day every week. I suppose they should change Monday blues to Wednesday grays. Doesn't sound too different now, does it?

To that someone...

Meh...Monday blues. One day before my so-called holiday starts. To heck with it. I should be looking forward to the whole thing. Unfortunately, sleepiness never seems to help with my moods. If only I get 36 hours every day. I would keep 10 hours everyday for sleeping. Just for sleeping. Sleeping is such of that a luxury for university students nowadays. *sigh* I wonder what has the university life turned into. I don't party. Which is why it makes me wonder.

Another day, another story. Perhaps I'll be bored enough to find something interesting to do. 

Ironic, I know. =)