The Big Bang Theory parallel

Hello!

After not posting for so long, I guess this might sound a bit late. But Happy New Year!

I've just watched an episode in The Big Bang Theory. I had the chance to get the whole Season 7, and watched to the point where Penny's car broke down and was announced unusable. She was on the verge of crying. She was at a point where she quit her waitress-ing job to concentrate on her effort in finding acting jobs. Without a car, her life, and her dreams, were literally over. She cried. I understood.

I was half expecting Leonard to just suggest buying her a car then and there. But, he did not say anything...and I thought that he could have done more. I distinctively remember thinking about it, wanting him to do more. 

I could feel exactly what Penny felt at that moment, the feeling of being lost, helpless, not being able to help yourself but to go back and meet the people you hated, that desperation knowing that you would ask for anything, so long it got you out of it, but just stopping short of asking your other true half for help. Yes, we have our pride. Desperate for help as we are, it's hard for us to ask for help directly without making it seem like we can't handle the problem. 

When the scene went through, I was partly angry at Leonard, for not offering anything but so-called "solutions", perhaps with it being due to him only giving questions, instead of actually helping her. The catch in my heart that I felt was evident. Because I knew that desperation. The desperation that you would accept help from anyone, even from the person you hate, but secretly hoping that help comes from the person that you can trust the most. 

It's a dark place to be. Not a place I would recommend for the weak-hearted. For those who have never felt that desperation, you don't know what it's like. Sitting there, giving us possible solutions, it really doesn't work sometimes. Sometimes, what we need is just the problem solved, because it's getting too much to handle. We don't have the capability to solve it anymore. Or the will to.

As I sat there and thought of it, the episode continued. Penny was expressing her feelings of being humiliated at being forced to head back to get her old job at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard was too busy making jokes, but...on hindsight, I saw why he could make those jokes.

Anyway, Leonard was supposed to send Penny to the Cheesecake Factory to get her old job back, trying to lighten the situation with crude jokes. Then they head down the building, and Leonard opens the car door for Penny, only for Penny to notice that it wasn't his car. She stated that it wasn't his car with a total look of confusion. Leonard states: "I know, I thought we could take yours" *holds up new car keys*. Penny was confused. Leonard explained that it wasn't a fancy car, but it would help get her to auditions, and she would not have to go back to the restaurant to work. When she understood, she cried. I cried too. 

The reason this scene affects me more than most is because this scene reminds me of Ange and I. Leonard solved her problem without asking her, knowing that it was what she needed to get back on her feet. Ange said specfically before, he would be the type that solves the problem, not waiting for me to ask for help, especially when it came to financial problems. 

I had no need for help back then, it was a rhetorical statement. But now, seeing the parallel situation between Leonard and Penny, with Ange and I...it made me relate to them a whole 'nother way now. I was touched, I cried, and I'm proud to say that I have a Leonard too, knowing that he would be there for me when I need it. Knowing that he would be there, is enough. I no longer need to walk in the dark, fearing I would fall, because I know that there's someone there to catch me. 

I can walk in the dark with my head held high. 

-Thanks to Pachebel's Canon in D playing in the background for keeping me writing. It's been a while since any motivation or inspiration to write came along. The right scene, and the right music helps. :)

With love,

Kaitlyn

Of flaws and future beaus

I finally found the inspiration needed to come back here and write. Ironic that it's the same sort of experience that one goes through almost everyday, but never take the effort to notice...

What makes us human? As in...people. Our good points? Yes, humans are kind, they are strong, they are intelligent (more than some), they are many things on this God's green earth. But when we mention humans, ourselves, do we look at our flaws as clear as we see the strengths? 

No...not many people do. One thing we humans generally are is that we are proud creatures. We take pride in the things we do, things we don't do. Pride is in all of us. It's just depends on the person whether Pride is a big part of him or not. But because we have Pride, chances are, we rarely would admit, or even see, the flaws within us. And because of that, we tend to lament that we don't get much of a "life". 

You see, dear readers, the reason I'm writing all of this is because I'm feeling rather philosophical. Yes, philosophical. Sitting in my cool, comfortable room in the middle of the night last night gave me some sort of an epiphany, if only for the people who complained about "having no life" in front of me. 

You see, when we were talking about "having no life" (myself excluded, I do not see my life to be that mundane), my colleagues back then were relating "having no life" to "not having a boyfriend". I baffle at the relation, but I do understand their sentiment, if not empathising with it. My colleague then went on to relate her "cup of tea" in men.

She wanted younger, cuter, more boyish, and yet manly at the same time. I listened as she rambled on about the looks she wanted in her future beau, and started to think to myself, is that all people can say about their future beau? Or is that all she can say? The looks? 

*chuckle* Now I don't see myself as some relationship expert, although I can say that I've had my fair share of heaven and earth experience with ex-boyfriends. I've dated many a guy, all different from each other, although bearing certain inner similarities. It is because of it that I had the chance to learn what I really need in partner. Not someone who looks good all the time (although I can say that looking good / cute is a good bonus to have), but more to someone who can complement me, like how jigsaw puzzles fit into each other because they were made that way. 

I need someone who can make up for my flaws with his strengths, and vice versa for my strengths to his flaws. I want my personality to complement his, as much as his do mine. I want him to talk when I don't, or be content with the silence. I want him to listen when I talk, which is a lot. I want him to be patient with my quirky self, because I know my temper isn't for the random guy to be able to handle. ,I want him to be able to counter my arguments when I need a decent conversation. I need him to allow to handle my own problems, and only ask for help when need be. I need him...for so many things, different things, from what people will say. 

Perhaps my colleague did not deem to share her thoughts of her future beau's personality with me, or perhaps she really didn't think about the key points of her future beau that has to complement her being. It just made me wonder, whether people actually know how to see the flaws in themselves to be able to give such an observation about their future spouses. 

Perhaps I am blessed enough that I got the chance to experience different people in my life that it allowed me to know what I need in someone, because all that assured me what sort of personality in my beau that I need for me to be able to function as a human being, as well as being his other half. I can see my flaws well. And though sometimes I don't admit them too proudly, but I still do state them fairly, like my temper, for instance. Knowing my flaws clearly allows me to state what I need in someone that will be living with me for the next century (God willing). And looking at my colleague, though it may be a bit of a stretch, it makes me wonder, if the people at large, are willing to admit what flaws they have, to themselves if not to other people, just to see who fits them better, not who they want to fit them better...

Just a thought to start the day... :)

An odd lament

Ever looked at an ex of your beau's and stop and wonder: "Gee...their names actually clicked as a pair in my head once before"? Yeah...you're not the only one. It's not jealousy, not really. It's just that I knew Ange before we got together. Knew him for around less than a year if I'm not mistaken. He was still with her then, although probably already estranged, just that I wasn't in the loop to know it. But in my head, their names clicked together once back then.

I was one of the people who gets curious about certain people, and when I do I actually go to their Facebook and stalk their pictures *laughs*. Well, it was interesting to say the least, when I first got to know Ange. I added him on Facebook (very highly unlikely that it was he who added me first, but there is still that possibility =x) and we somehow just started chatting. I saved a copy of our conversations from when I just got to know him until the few days after we got together. One heck of a long conversation if you ask me. But all the more worth it to read back. 

I'm the type that loves to read a backlog, to see everything again, to relive the romantic memories. I go back to those conversations and think with a cunning thought that the me back then didn't even know that this was going to happen, and the me now knows it. It's a silly thing to think about, I know. But it does give me a sense of satisfaction when I know that the me now knows something the me back then didn't, and it was something crucial.

Ange and I were...to say the least...very good friends back then. He was the person I ranted to about everything in my life, to be honest, I think he was the only one who would listen so patiently. =x As a person who can't really stop talking to certain people, he was a Godsend. So long he had the time, he would oblige to talk to me on an endless time period. And I really appreciate the friendship. It just didn't occur to me that it would get to this point with Ange. Funny how things can work out. =)

My dad constantly chides me about my past decisions, one of them being the decision to study locally when I could have studied abroad. Of all the things I may have regretted, I do not regret staying here. It is by staying here that I have got to meet Ange, and to be with him now, and I thank God for that.

Anyway, back to the original topic (I do get off track a lot when I'm a roll =x). What I was going to say...the girl and Ange's name used to click together once in my head. I used to get a little jealous looking at her name appearing together with his, I wasn't too sure why, oddly saying. Maybe God was trying to send me a message then. It just bothered me a little to see her name there. But as I've said, I didn't know why. I didn't even acknowledge that feeling and just brushed it off and wished the man well. 

I don't know why am I even breaching the subject here. But it just occurred to me as odd, because when I see her name anywhere near his now, I feel a stronger (stronger, but not strong) jealousy there. And now I acknowledge it, as if it's something familiar. No matter what, she once was what he fancied, I can't be all too comfortable with that right? But then again, I know have nothing to worry about. I trust him with my heart. It's just sometimes, the heart gives me a kick in the wrong direction that I know I should not follow, but am still thrust upon the doorway of that path anyway, tempting, albeit it being a very weak temptation indeed. Unreasonable jealousy was never a strong temptation in the first place right?

Looking at what they said again...yeah, the pang is still there. It's just something natural, I think (?). It's not easy seeing your beau and an ex being so friendly (but then again it's not too hard either considering the circumstances). Technically I am on speaking terms with my exes. But most of them I rather not go near at all, knowing that it would open one hell of a can of worms that no one wants to face. Let bygones be bygones and pretend I don't know them 'cept by name. It's easier to live life that way isn't it? Let my new life take over and forget the past, if only to forget the bad memories. 

Yeah it's probably the fact that I have nothing to do (technically speaking, I do have assignments on my tail, just that RO distracted me =x) that I am typing all of this now. But then again, I welcome these moments, regardless of the topics. I rarely get the motivation to write, let alone write so long a piece, gibberish put aside of course. Well, it's late. It's off to bed then. Ange's at the movies with Keats now (sounds like the poet, doesn't he? =3 Keats I mean...) and I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow. =w=

Have a goodnight folks. And a Happy New Year~ (muehehehehe...)

I'm just that way...

University has started once again and I find myself having issues with letting go / getting off the car after a date with Ange. I found my heart tugging whenever I know I have to leave him for a while. And to be honest, it's more painful than I've ever felt. 

After 5 days of being used to seeing him every morning when I wake up and before I sleep at night, I have developed a strong fondness of having him around me. I talked to him, cried to him...I pretty much spent my 5 days 100% with him or waiting for him. I really felt at home. I miss home, so being able to find a second home for my heart is a thing that I appreciate very much. I was sick for the past 5 days, still am. *coughs*. Ange has been the one taking care of me, watching over me, concerning over me. It was the most continuous love I have felt from him to date. 5 days in a row, 5 days of asking me 'are you okay?'s, 5 days of love, 5 days of care (although I know the care continues, but 5 continuous days is something that I take pride in having), 5 continuous days of caresses and hugs and kisses and pats when I get violent coughs. It's one of the best things among the many that has happened to me in my life. 5 days of continuous love felt, and it has made me craving for more of it. Addiction is a deadly thing, regardless of what we have, but what about addiction to love???

Craving for more love when we're not married is like a double edged sword. In a sense, love is supposed to increase. The fact that I want more continuous loving days like that is a sign that my love for him is deepening, which is a good thing in its own right. But on the other hand, it also means that the tugging I feel in my heart whenever he drops me off at the room I stay for heading to classes gets stronger and stronger and more painful every single time, it makes it harder to pull away from his embrace, his warm hugs and kisses, just because it is not obligated for me to live with him, not yet.  

When I saw that he was tired (and not to mention that old geezer who chased us off the front of his gate - I stay right beside you bozo!), I told myself I have to suck it up and just accept that I have to wait to see him again. I did manage to pull away, but dammit, you can't imagine the pain I felt. I'm not trying to be dramatic here. I am describing what I'm exactly feeling at that moment of time. I wanted to cry. It's not the literal pain of stabbing myself in the heart, but I can say it's the figurative pain of that sentence. I felt the same, if not stronger pain on the day before I had to leave home. But I supposed when love of the gender comes into play, the feelings tend to seem a lot more stronger, because our heart isn't used to it from young. 

Immediately I turned depressed. Dammit I could feel the depression trickling slowly over my heart. It got to the point of me telling myself "let the depression begin", in one hell of a sarcastic tone, and I am not crapping you. I want to connected to him, to his love and care for me, constantly. I wanted to know, if I'm going away for the day, at least when I come back home he will be there. He says just pretend that it's an extended time. It's not possible, not for me at least. 

He's probably not going to feel anything. Patience, perhaps, plays a role in this. I am not patient. But then again, it is more to the thought of knowing that I have to be away from him for long moments of time that is killing me right now. I'm sitting here thinking that I already have to leave home, a place where love is always felt. Now I can't even be in a place where I can feel the same, if not a similar thing from the person I that love. Breaking down doesn't even cut it to describe what am I feeling now. And I don't even know what can I say to him. 

With Ange being a touch person, being physically there is about the only way that I can personally feel it. Call me a person who can't be independent if you like, to be honest, I don't care. Anyone would appreciate being able to feel love all the time. I'm not the type to take it for granted even after a long time I can assure you. Extended periods only makes my feelings stronger. So what's wrong with wanting to be with my loved ones? Nothing. Screw the book, now this is the real chicken soup for the soul: feeling loved. 

A message to the loved ones...

There were a lot of embarrassing moments that happened in my teenage years, especially when it came to boys. I had a crush on this guy once, Elliot. He was, at that time, the most popular guy in my hometown, even among the 5 famous schools. I got to know him through my closest girlfriend at the time, who was (again, at the time - how things changed) his godsister. She was freaking out about talking to him and asked me for help to do the communications work. I did a lot of that for her back then, and got to know a lot more people that I probably shouldn't have known for my own good. Ah well, let bygones be bygones. 

Now, Elliot's life has always been drama-worthy. I'm guessing by the look of his Facebook, that hasn't changed that much either. But back then, it freaked me out that I could be talking to him. The friendly tomboy who doesn't know a spec of boys in her early puberty years was talking to the most popular guy in town. If you were me back then, most of you probably wouldn't feel any different. A lot of girls dream to be close to the popular guy one time or another in our lives. 

Then came Elliot's birthday. I come from a normal (and loving) family where gifts that were handmade are (still) very much appreciated. The heart shaped pillow I made for papa when I was 8 years old is still in his drawer I think. And seeing as I didn't have much budget for an expensive gift, I opted to give Elliot something I thought was more meaningful (to me), a bottle of stars and a couple of handmade flowers. I know what're you going to say. He's a guy, receiving flowers (especially at the age of puberty) pretty much spelled geek. I made them, put them in a bigger box and handed to that close friend of mine to give it to him. 

I later found out that he opened the presents in front of everybody. I'm not sure whether this is in my head or it really happened, but I have a certain memory of knowing that a few girls actually laughed at what I gave him. Sounds very typical, isn't it? Needless to say though, I was embarrassed. I wrote what I could in my diary (I didn't have a blog back then) and locked it in the deepest chasm I could find in the house: my bedside drawer.

I shudder to think if I ever should take and read back the part of 13th of August. Yes, I still remember the date, very clearly. It was a moment that I really do not want to recall and yet can't help but to. This makes me think that sometimes, when a person is used to receiving expensive gifts, no matter how bad being materialistic is, it is hard to give them anything else that meant spending less than what they're used to receiving. Just to give you an example, at the moment, Hugo Boss perfumes is his cheapest gift yet. Note the 's'. 

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

I'm a person who loves to make handmade things. It makes me feel like I'm making more of an effort into the gift. One of my main love languages is receiving gifts. It makes me happy to receive one and to give one in return. I think I spend half my yearly allowance back in puberty time on sending Chinese New Year and Mooncake festival packages to people all around my hometown. And it made me happy when the same people have the courtesy (?) or the initiative (?) to send one back to me. It was the sign of a close friendship for me, as materialistic as that sounds. 

So as a result, I have made it some sort of an obligation for the people that I'm close with to give me something for birthdays, anniversaries, special days and so on. Some people might think that I just love presents. True. I do love them. I love something that I can keep, use, or hold onto. But it is the people who give me the presents that mean the most to me. You should see how many trinkets I have kept over the two decades that I have lived from the people I love, my family in particular. Every single one I have kept, even if they're just taking up space. I'd cry if any of them is thrown away. That's how much I cherish these things, materialistic or no. 

Ange drove me to meet me at a highland resort for my birthday this year. And to be honest I feel rather guilty for asking something from him as a present. Driving to meet me itself should be something that I appreciate to no end, which I do. But I guess my being adamant and wanting something solid to remember gets the better of me. *soft laughs* I'm sorry...

Sometimes when people ask me what do I want for my birthday, I feel rather odd. Of course I would love to tell them anything, anything at all that I needed. But sometimes, it is also the spontaneity that makes me appreciate the present all the more. I guess in my heart, it isn't just gifts that touches me, it's the effort behind it. 

But to papa and mama, thank you so much for giving me what I want for my birthday. 

To papa, thank you for asking before my birthday ever came. Thank you for buying me both the present and the birthday cake, which I relish in eating even if it is squished beyond recognition after coming home from the trip *chuckle*. Also thank you for loving me so much. 

To mama, thank you for giving me the allowance to spend, knowing that I need it. Thank you for loving me so so much to the point I want to cry every night. 

To my brother and sister, thank you for giving me the present, even thought I suspect it was just a by-the-way purchase =w=;;. 

And to Ange, thank you, for driving up to see me, for being there with me on the day that I could call my own, for kissing me and hugging me, for agreeing to get me another thing for my birthday even though I know that driving up is already one heck of an effort for you to make ( ❤ ), thank you for setting your schedule aside for me, thank you for loving me and taking in my ridiculousness regardless of the time of day, and thank you, for being by my side. 

I love all of you so so much. Thank you. ❤❤❤❤

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

With much love, 

Kaitlyn ❤