Jealousy...an interesting concept

What is it about jealousy that eats at people's hearts? Is it that a green little monster inside our heads suddenly springs to life when he sees things that he thinks we would not like to see? Is it a natural instinct that us humans are unable to change or overcome or to avoid it from happening? I don't know what is it about it. Because usually jealousy is known to come without reason. But...what if jealousy came with a reason this time? 

Good evening. It's been a long 2 to 3 weeks. Many things happened, many of them not too important as they're not about me. Thank Heavens everything that truly concerns me is good, happy and most importantly, safe. A friend of mine broke up with his first girlfriend. Poor Michel is in a grieving state now and I'm about to be off to provide him some company, along with Ange, later at night. 

But that isn't my point today. I've met many things in my journey through life. I've thought of many things that can happen. I've considered many things that people expect me to consider before doing something. But not once did I ever think of having to consider a form of jealousy that is rather...reasonable...

What would you do, dear readers, if you see the love of your life, talking to his ex, with an odd manner while talking? The content of the conversation is, I trust, to be innocent. But then why hide the conversation almost immediately when one tries to view things? It contrasts, that much is evident. And it is the contrast that bothers me at the moment. 

I know that I'm not supposed to be prying around. But granted, one does get curious of such things when it stumbles into our midst. One can't help but to pry. Even he has admitted to prying once, and to this day, that girl still doesn't know what he did. He did it with good reason, so I won't say anything. But as do I now, I do what I do with good reason. The conversation was hid from me, made to seem almost natural, that movement, but me being someone who notices things easily (at least for things that I do want to notice myself), I tend to take everything with a pinch of salt. But it still did make me wonder about it. I didn't want to seem...distrustful, but the urge of wanting to ask about it was there. 

I am a person who asks everything that comes to mind. But why am I trying to seem like the 'good girlfriend' that he deems me to be, when all I want to do is just to ask what on Earth, or why on Earth did he move to hide things? Is it to protect me? Is it an instinct (like everything else that happens sometimes)? Is it something that you didn't realize you were doing until you were doing it? 

I ask from anything to everything. You wondered aloud once why I keep asking questions. I believe I've told him once that usually it could be for conversation's sake. But at certain times, when I ask something, I do genuinely want to know what is going on. But...how can a girl ask something like this, without seeming like I don't trust him? Oh, I trust him, I do. It's just that when there is a movement like that that catches your attention, your heart seems to just waver that bit of a little bit. Thoughts come into your mind...does he still care? Does he regret what happened? Does he this and that...

It is not something I can help, nor it is something that I am proud of. But it is something that comes natural to me and I supposed that I have to come clean about what I'm worried about somehow. I don't want to say that I pried because I was burning with curiosity. I don't want you to mistrust me ever, because I would rather not betray that trust at all. But she was the ex that gave up, you didn't. So any sort of movement, sentence, thoughts, that comes to light to my eyes, it will make me have that worm of jealousy, doubt, worry and insecurity in my head. 

I love him. He should know that. But if asked am I jealous? 

...

Well...I suppose I have to say that...yes...yes I am.

Comic Fiesta afterthought

Why am I avoiding everything that I need to face now? Aren't I the one who is supposed to be used to face matters head on even if it means getting me in a little trouble? *sigh* I'm not too sure why...

Comic Fiesta ended yesterday and part of me actually thought that I did well for a first time costume player. I remembered that one person actually asked me to take my picture without anyone's influence, and even asked for my name card. I was, and am, proud of myself because of that one person. So to her, I say thank you. Later, when my friend Mitchel took pictures of me, then only the rest wanted to. And even then I didn't know how to pose for them. Felt too awkward and felt that I couldn't maintain a smile more than 3 seconds. I didn't think all that mattered. And thus, I was happy. 

Then today, I opened the social site, and took a look at everything. Everybody's costumes were awesome. Their poses were practiced and excellent. But what made my heart have a pang is the person who dressed up as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Esmeralda was my original plan. And I guess it is silly of me, but I didn't think that anyone would dress up as her, considering that it is a character less known. Not too sure why, but it hurt me to know that someone dressed up as her. I know there's free will and all that. But I can't help what I feel. Because it is due to lack of budget that I chose to dress up as a normal gypsy, which probably caused nobody to recognise who the heck I was. And there's that someone, someone who dressed as Esmeralda, not as good as the ones I've seen online, but good enough nonetheless for a local costume player. 

Now, I'm playing Ragnarok Online to - in a way - escape from all those thoughts. People would tell me to distract myself so that I won't have to think about those depressing thoughts. Let me tell you something. Distracting usually never works. It only helps for that moment only. Solving the problem is the true cure to emotions being down. 

I thought of dressing up better next year...then it hit me. Didn't I say that it would be a one off thing? I didn't want to get myself into all the drama, into all the pressure. I felt immense pressure before going to Comic Fiesta yesterday. I was scared that nobody would know that I dressed up. I was scared that nobody would ask to take my picture (God bless that girl in the hall). I was scared of a lot things. Granted, I did try. And I guess to some people that's what that matters. But I guess I'm just bothered because I'm not even too sure if the people who wanted to take my picture after Mitchel did took it because they liked my costume or they just think that I'm a 'named' costume player when there is a photographer with a professional camera sitting there taking my picture with another person holding that reflector. 

I also want to thank Angeline...I believe that she wanted my picture because she knew me. God bless her. She made me feel confident, at least that little amount. =) Thank you.

Ange encouraged me to dress up as a High Priest next year. Or maybe the lady from Resident Evil, Ada Wong, due to her being able to fight in a cheongsam as he says. The split up the thigh is a little bit too high though. Maybe I can find a solution to that. =3 Custom make it is this time. =)

Bonded to pressure

Every single time I try to write, writer's block comes at me like an anvil in Looney Tunes. BAM!! it goes onto my head. It makes me discouraged to write all of a sudden. And who knows discouraged from what else.

I have been skipping a lot of classes lately, ever since they told me there wouldn't be any barring in school. I skipped where I thought it wasn't important. Like today's French class, I was tired. And my friend Nurul skipped too this morning, she told me. So in a way, I found an excuse for myself to escape too. Smartest friend skipping so it means I can too, that sort of nonsense. Yes...I know it's nonsense. And yet I can't find it in myself to stop it. 

Ange's right. Most of the people in our country isn't ready or disciplined enough to handle a no barring scheme in school. Theory wise, it is up to us to decide whether we can handle not going to class. It is all up to us to decide whether we want to go to school to learn. I am here to learn. That's true. But sometimes it just feels too tiring. And here I'll tell you why.

I am a person who flourish better when around the people I love. If, let's say, I am staying with Ange, living together with him peacefully, I wouldn't mind staying in class. I know, my mind works in funny ways. And yes, I'm probably not disciplined enough either. It's just that, the thought of having to go back to my rented room, if rest is the only thing that is waiting for me, I rather go back earlier. Knowing that I will be able to see Ange regardless of what time my class ends, then I wouldn't mind staying for class.

Now now...I know it's a little twisted. But I really can't help it. I will always enjoy my day so long I know I am going back to Ange, or am going back home to mama and papa, but in this case (please don't say bad things OAQ) I think going back to Ange's holds more of a motivational thing than home. With home I rather go back faster, because it's home.

Why is it that I think that way? I'm not sure really. I just know that I want to be able to live with him, for me to be able to enjoy my day being away from him. This is because no matter what, I know I will always go home to him after everything is done for the day. Mama would probably have my head if she knows this...

And yet, for now I cannot live with him constantly. Not because I'm unable to at the moment. But because there is an external pressure that is coming at me, something that makes me want to stay away from that place altogether, but find myself unable to because that is where I need to be if I want to be with Ange. His mother.

His mother has been giving me hints that I shouldn't be staying with him at all, or the fact that she doesn't like me staying with him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that I'm not thinking too much. I'm only staying with him over the weekends when I'm still around here. But lately, I've been getting the odd feeling that she's trying to hint at me to just not go back there so often, or at all. And it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to ask him to live somewhere else, if it isn't for the fact that he may not be able to support that much yet. 

I want to be with him at a place where I can be myself. I don't want to have to freeze up my body involuntarily whenever I hear the mother's footsteps near his room, wondering if she's going to come in and want to talk to me about asking me not to go there so often anymore. I get scared every single time. And I'm not sure it was even important enough to tell Ange about it. I think by the time he comes home after every teaching session, I would have forgotten that I was ever afraid. 

What do you think I should do? I can't do without being with Ange. I look forward to be able to see him in the morning when I wake up, and say goodnight to him in person when I sleep at night. It's something that I've drilled into my head that I must have every weekend I'm here, it's my way of escaping and relaxing every single weekend. Granted, staying here in my rented room, there is no pressure. There is only silence (with the occasional roommate talking) and relaxation, because there is no pressure for me to be here. But there is loneliness. 

Without being with Ange, or being somewhere that has to do with Ange when I know I can be, I feel a little lost, not to mention bored. Seeing him, being with him, just being there, is just like an ability to breathe, it comes naturally. When he isn't around, and it's during the weekdays, my heart feels somewhat constricted. As if my body has already recognised the time with him as relaxation time therefore during the weekdays I'm not allowed to relax at all. But problem comes when the weekend plans gets messed up all of a sudden. I've been through that once a few weeks ago, I practically broke down. Thankfully, Ange (bless him) saved me from having to go through the weekend looking like the undead (from bouts of crying).

I need Ange and my family with me at times when I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, my solutions are not what you call 'family-friendly' at the moment. And whenever I go to Ange's, I feel so friggin' pressured that I'm trying hard to life the pressure by trying to be chummy with his mother, but to no avail sometimes I feel. I've only known mothers who wants to show me solidarity (albeit against their sons sometimes in mischeif~ hehehe) and also friendship. So I really am at my wit's end about how to deal with his mother. And worse, how to deal with her when me and Ange actually finally decide to get married.

I feel like I really need him by my side right now, to ease this rope I seem to have on my spine. I seem to physically feel my stress and I know it's not a good thing (and people wonder why I eat so much, ever heard of stress eating?) but I don't know how to dispel away the bonds. I can ask him to come pick me up for a while. But somehow I feel so long it's late and I won't be going to his place anyway, there is no point, the bonds will just come back after he leaves me in the room again, until the weekend. I really want to live together with him. But what can I do unless he lives somewhere else? O~Q

Monday mornings...bah!

It's already 12:25 in the morning on a Monday. I just finished poking at a Hello Kitty wool felt doll. I must say that took a little bit more effort than usual. I don't like to do lines so much compared to the bigger patches. But eh~~ sacrifices must be made for near perfection, oui?

Classes starts at 10am in the morning and I am dreading to wake up so early. 8am, on a Monday. And people wonder why they call it Monday blues? Well...then again, my Wednesdays are busier. Got to wake up at 6am for that day every week. I suppose they should change Monday blues to Wednesday grays. Doesn't sound too different now, does it?

To that someone...

Meh...Monday blues. One day before my so-called holiday starts. To heck with it. I should be looking forward to the whole thing. Unfortunately, sleepiness never seems to help with my moods. If only I get 36 hours every day. I would keep 10 hours everyday for sleeping. Just for sleeping. Sleeping is such of that a luxury for university students nowadays. *sigh* I wonder what has the university life turned into. I don't party. Which is why it makes me wonder.

Another day, another story. Perhaps I'll be bored enough to find something interesting to do. 

Ironic, I know. =)