The Big Bang Theory parallel

Hello!

After not posting for so long, I guess this might sound a bit late. But Happy New Year!

I've just watched an episode in The Big Bang Theory. I had the chance to get the whole Season 7, and watched to the point where Penny's car broke down and was announced unusable. She was on the verge of crying. She was at a point where she quit her waitress-ing job to concentrate on her effort in finding acting jobs. Without a car, her life, and her dreams, were literally over. She cried. I understood.

I was half expecting Leonard to just suggest buying her a car then and there. But, he did not say anything...and I thought that he could have done more. I distinctively remember thinking about it, wanting him to do more. 

I could feel exactly what Penny felt at that moment, the feeling of being lost, helpless, not being able to help yourself but to go back and meet the people you hated, that desperation knowing that you would ask for anything, so long it got you out of it, but just stopping short of asking your other true half for help. Yes, we have our pride. Desperate for help as we are, it's hard for us to ask for help directly without making it seem like we can't handle the problem. 

When the scene went through, I was partly angry at Leonard, for not offering anything but so-called "solutions", perhaps with it being due to him only giving questions, instead of actually helping her. The catch in my heart that I felt was evident. Because I knew that desperation. The desperation that you would accept help from anyone, even from the person you hate, but secretly hoping that help comes from the person that you can trust the most. 

It's a dark place to be. Not a place I would recommend for the weak-hearted. For those who have never felt that desperation, you don't know what it's like. Sitting there, giving us possible solutions, it really doesn't work sometimes. Sometimes, what we need is just the problem solved, because it's getting too much to handle. We don't have the capability to solve it anymore. Or the will to.

As I sat there and thought of it, the episode continued. Penny was expressing her feelings of being humiliated at being forced to head back to get her old job at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard was too busy making jokes, but...on hindsight, I saw why he could make those jokes.

Anyway, Leonard was supposed to send Penny to the Cheesecake Factory to get her old job back, trying to lighten the situation with crude jokes. Then they head down the building, and Leonard opens the car door for Penny, only for Penny to notice that it wasn't his car. She stated that it wasn't his car with a total look of confusion. Leonard states: "I know, I thought we could take yours" *holds up new car keys*. Penny was confused. Leonard explained that it wasn't a fancy car, but it would help get her to auditions, and she would not have to go back to the restaurant to work. When she understood, she cried. I cried too. 

The reason this scene affects me more than most is because this scene reminds me of Ange and I. Leonard solved her problem without asking her, knowing that it was what she needed to get back on her feet. Ange said specfically before, he would be the type that solves the problem, not waiting for me to ask for help, especially when it came to financial problems. 

I had no need for help back then, it was a rhetorical statement. But now, seeing the parallel situation between Leonard and Penny, with Ange and I...it made me relate to them a whole 'nother way now. I was touched, I cried, and I'm proud to say that I have a Leonard too, knowing that he would be there for me when I need it. Knowing that he would be there, is enough. I no longer need to walk in the dark, fearing I would fall, because I know that there's someone there to catch me. 

I can walk in the dark with my head held high. 

-Thanks to Pachebel's Canon in D playing in the background for keeping me writing. It's been a while since any motivation or inspiration to write came along. The right scene, and the right music helps. :)

With love,

Kaitlyn

I'm just that way...

University has started once again and I find myself having issues with letting go / getting off the car after a date with Ange. I found my heart tugging whenever I know I have to leave him for a while. And to be honest, it's more painful than I've ever felt. 

After 5 days of being used to seeing him every morning when I wake up and before I sleep at night, I have developed a strong fondness of having him around me. I talked to him, cried to him...I pretty much spent my 5 days 100% with him or waiting for him. I really felt at home. I miss home, so being able to find a second home for my heart is a thing that I appreciate very much. I was sick for the past 5 days, still am. *coughs*. Ange has been the one taking care of me, watching over me, concerning over me. It was the most continuous love I have felt from him to date. 5 days in a row, 5 days of asking me 'are you okay?'s, 5 days of love, 5 days of care (although I know the care continues, but 5 continuous days is something that I take pride in having), 5 continuous days of caresses and hugs and kisses and pats when I get violent coughs. It's one of the best things among the many that has happened to me in my life. 5 days of continuous love felt, and it has made me craving for more of it. Addiction is a deadly thing, regardless of what we have, but what about addiction to love???

Craving for more love when we're not married is like a double edged sword. In a sense, love is supposed to increase. The fact that I want more continuous loving days like that is a sign that my love for him is deepening, which is a good thing in its own right. But on the other hand, it also means that the tugging I feel in my heart whenever he drops me off at the room I stay for heading to classes gets stronger and stronger and more painful every single time, it makes it harder to pull away from his embrace, his warm hugs and kisses, just because it is not obligated for me to live with him, not yet.  

When I saw that he was tired (and not to mention that old geezer who chased us off the front of his gate - I stay right beside you bozo!), I told myself I have to suck it up and just accept that I have to wait to see him again. I did manage to pull away, but dammit, you can't imagine the pain I felt. I'm not trying to be dramatic here. I am describing what I'm exactly feeling at that moment of time. I wanted to cry. It's not the literal pain of stabbing myself in the heart, but I can say it's the figurative pain of that sentence. I felt the same, if not stronger pain on the day before I had to leave home. But I supposed when love of the gender comes into play, the feelings tend to seem a lot more stronger, because our heart isn't used to it from young. 

Immediately I turned depressed. Dammit I could feel the depression trickling slowly over my heart. It got to the point of me telling myself "let the depression begin", in one hell of a sarcastic tone, and I am not crapping you. I want to connected to him, to his love and care for me, constantly. I wanted to know, if I'm going away for the day, at least when I come back home he will be there. He says just pretend that it's an extended time. It's not possible, not for me at least. 

He's probably not going to feel anything. Patience, perhaps, plays a role in this. I am not patient. But then again, it is more to the thought of knowing that I have to be away from him for long moments of time that is killing me right now. I'm sitting here thinking that I already have to leave home, a place where love is always felt. Now I can't even be in a place where I can feel the same, if not a similar thing from the person I that love. Breaking down doesn't even cut it to describe what am I feeling now. And I don't even know what can I say to him. 

With Ange being a touch person, being physically there is about the only way that I can personally feel it. Call me a person who can't be independent if you like, to be honest, I don't care. Anyone would appreciate being able to feel love all the time. I'm not the type to take it for granted even after a long time I can assure you. Extended periods only makes my feelings stronger. So what's wrong with wanting to be with my loved ones? Nothing. Screw the book, now this is the real chicken soup for the soul: feeling loved. 

Down to Earth instead of floating in the clouds

Hello again. 

Today, I've tried really hard to go into new groups of people, to make new friends. Of course, having a second identity worked a little better for me knowing that even if I screw up, people won't know who I am. Even if I screw that up (God forbid that from happening - Amen.), I just have to create another persona and just start again. Thing about having more than one identity is that people don't know who is the real you, due to the fact that in that particular world, you rarely meet the person within. 

But then I realised something. I was trying a little too hard to blend in, when in the first place, what I wanted wasn't to just blend in. I was thinking to myself that seeing as my own worlds don't really accept who I am, might as well try being a part of another world. In a way, it is a good idea. It's a new source of friends for me. And it gives me something to do when Ange goes to one of these things for performances. I get to make a bunch of friends (virtual or no) without having to worry about whether they'll be okay with the real me, seeing as I probably won't be showing them the real me within, figuratively speaking or no. 

However, what Callum had said to me a few months ago struct my memory. Be in a different world from the person you are with. It makes it easier to come up with things to talk about (ironically, being in the same world means you go through the same things, which in turn means less things to tell each other about), and just in case of anything, perhaps if the beau is busy, you would have another world for you to be busy in. To me, having another world meant that I could be independent when I wanted to. When you and your beau belong in two different worlds, or perhaps more, it means when you are known in your own world, you are holding your own, without help of the beau.

I don't want to think that I'm trying to get into this new world just to be closer to him. I don't need to do that for it to happen. When I decided to go into the world, I wanted to do it without the beau's help, so that people won't look at me and go 'oh isn't that who who who's girlfriend who started this and that because her boyfriend helped out?'. Probably this is all just my thinking too much, people probably don't think that way anyway, let alone thinking that it's a bad thing. But I think it's just the independent streak in me. If I want to be known, I want to be known as myself (technically), not as someone else's someone. 

I stopped myself from 'blending in' so much when I realised something. I wanted to retain the real me, instead of trying so hard to maintain another identity in another world. In that world, I am this person. But in this world, I am Kaitlyn Emily Summers. The sense of Western and Eastern gives me a sense of difference in my heart. Here, I am English. There...well...who knows who am I. Even I'm not so sure of that yet. It's only my first day trying after all. I have a lot of identities in my head. Perhaps after this, I'll be spending a lot of time telling myself that being Kaitlyn in this world keeps me grounded instead of being another person in that world. 

Knowing that I have taken that first step today, that has made me proud. I was afraid of many things, of people's negativity especially. I was still going against every suggestion that my friend Cherry B and also Ange has given me, just because I was insecure of myself stepping into a new world. Today, I stepped. I may have tried a little harder than usual, but I'm proud of myself that I was willing to take that first step. Now, with a toe into the other world and the rest of me being Kaitlyn here, I think I can be pretty happy. I'm happier being Kaitlyn, I always have been. I guess all I wanted to know is that I have the option of being someone else should I need to be for a while.