The Big Bang Theory parallel

Hello!

After not posting for so long, I guess this might sound a bit late. But Happy New Year!

I've just watched an episode in The Big Bang Theory. I had the chance to get the whole Season 7, and watched to the point where Penny's car broke down and was announced unusable. She was on the verge of crying. She was at a point where she quit her waitress-ing job to concentrate on her effort in finding acting jobs. Without a car, her life, and her dreams, were literally over. She cried. I understood.

I was half expecting Leonard to just suggest buying her a car then and there. But, he did not say anything...and I thought that he could have done more. I distinctively remember thinking about it, wanting him to do more. 

I could feel exactly what Penny felt at that moment, the feeling of being lost, helpless, not being able to help yourself but to go back and meet the people you hated, that desperation knowing that you would ask for anything, so long it got you out of it, but just stopping short of asking your other true half for help. Yes, we have our pride. Desperate for help as we are, it's hard for us to ask for help directly without making it seem like we can't handle the problem. 

When the scene went through, I was partly angry at Leonard, for not offering anything but so-called "solutions", perhaps with it being due to him only giving questions, instead of actually helping her. The catch in my heart that I felt was evident. Because I knew that desperation. The desperation that you would accept help from anyone, even from the person you hate, but secretly hoping that help comes from the person that you can trust the most. 

It's a dark place to be. Not a place I would recommend for the weak-hearted. For those who have never felt that desperation, you don't know what it's like. Sitting there, giving us possible solutions, it really doesn't work sometimes. Sometimes, what we need is just the problem solved, because it's getting too much to handle. We don't have the capability to solve it anymore. Or the will to.

As I sat there and thought of it, the episode continued. Penny was expressing her feelings of being humiliated at being forced to head back to get her old job at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard was too busy making jokes, but...on hindsight, I saw why he could make those jokes.

Anyway, Leonard was supposed to send Penny to the Cheesecake Factory to get her old job back, trying to lighten the situation with crude jokes. Then they head down the building, and Leonard opens the car door for Penny, only for Penny to notice that it wasn't his car. She stated that it wasn't his car with a total look of confusion. Leonard states: "I know, I thought we could take yours" *holds up new car keys*. Penny was confused. Leonard explained that it wasn't a fancy car, but it would help get her to auditions, and she would not have to go back to the restaurant to work. When she understood, she cried. I cried too. 

The reason this scene affects me more than most is because this scene reminds me of Ange and I. Leonard solved her problem without asking her, knowing that it was what she needed to get back on her feet. Ange said specfically before, he would be the type that solves the problem, not waiting for me to ask for help, especially when it came to financial problems. 

I had no need for help back then, it was a rhetorical statement. But now, seeing the parallel situation between Leonard and Penny, with Ange and I...it made me relate to them a whole 'nother way now. I was touched, I cried, and I'm proud to say that I have a Leonard too, knowing that he would be there for me when I need it. Knowing that he would be there, is enough. I no longer need to walk in the dark, fearing I would fall, because I know that there's someone there to catch me. 

I can walk in the dark with my head held high. 

-Thanks to Pachebel's Canon in D playing in the background for keeping me writing. It's been a while since any motivation or inspiration to write came along. The right scene, and the right music helps. :)

With love,

Kaitlyn

Finally at that place...

Yesterday, I finally was at a place where I ultimately okay with my parents knowing what I'm doing in my life (for the most part anyway). I finally approved my mother's Facebook friend request after so long keeping it in limbo. 

I was a rebellious kid. I did many a thing that I kept a secret from my parents in fear of them scolding me. Because of it I developed a sense of defensiveness as a child that I (fortunately or unfortunately) brought up to my young adult years. 

These days, I'm trying my best to not snap at my mother (out of defensiveness and my own impatience, I am very sorry about that). I am trying to control my temper and to always try to tell her as much going on-s in my life as possible. There are certain things still that I find I cannot tell her directly, but to allow her to guess and for me not actually confirming her answer (to give myself some leeway just in case someone gets mad). But seeing as I don't post those things on Facebook anyway, and I'm assuming that I can still rant without the 'rents screaming at me at the top of their lungs (God bless them), I made the decision that approving my mother's request on Facebook won't be the worst thing ever.

Ange always told me to think, if I can take the consequences of what I might do, then go ahead and do it if it makes me happier. I have a friend, Vince; he was so adamant for me to not approve the request because he still insists that parents should be clueless about our so-called "fabulous" life. I can see that he is still at the rebellious stage, not really growing up. But then again, looking at the state of his family (I'm not to gossip, but to state facts), I don't blame him (too much). 

I want my parents to be a part of life. Now that I'm not at home often, and what with my temper when I am I home, I want a platform where I can share what I'm doing with my parents without me snapping or them reacting too badly when I break out something to them. It's not the perfect step, I should be telling them things personally instead of relying on technology like Facebook. But it's a step I can take at the moment, because I am trying to work on my impatience, not to mention my defensiveness that causes a lot of trouble. 

And personally, I think mama would be happy too, knowing that she can somehow keep in touch with me when she wants to. I don't post too much personal things on there now. But it'll allow her to feel like I'm still with her. I know she misses us. 

Detached impossibilities...

Have you ever wanted a friendship that is just so effortless, that you need not care about when can you be yourself? Have you ever wanted to just relax in a relationship, not having to worry about whether you're going to be stepping on landmines, or time bombs? 

I've been through these couple of days, planning every step with effort. Because I am a person who loves to be bubbly, squeal-y, and highly enthusiastic with my friendships when the mood comes, I always find it so hard to accept that some people can't be the same. It makes me think whether they're going to hate me for "making an effort" to talk to them. 

I myself have certain timing when I do not want to talk, usually  if it's a person I don't know too well, I won't reply too enthusiastically, but I'll still show a warm welcome regardless. I can do that, so sometimes, I do wonder, why can't anybody else can? They show me warmth, oh yes, they do. But the sort of warmth that makes you feel that it's forced sometimes. Because to me, even a little bit of resistance can make me feel unwanted. Being a linguist and a member of the female species, I catch even the littlest resistance to warmth people give and interpret it to something less warm, especially if I don't know the person that well, which makes it harder to interpret correctly. 

I've met with many time bombs over my years of getting to know people (and no I'm not that old). So dealing with time bombs is somewhat of a learned skill when it comes to me. But it doesn't mean I like dealing with them either. Dealing with time bombs and landmines is really one hell of a journey. I've dated a time bomb. Hated it to the very core till this very day. I need a person who can be lively when I'm lively, and not dead when I need them to be nice. 

Yes, I have to admit, I'm a rather...people-pleasing sort of person. I search for recognition from people, because I am the eldest. I grew up with encouragements and praises for what I did good, and also scoldings from what I did that wasn't good. So I got used to that life, and constantly seek for people's approval of what I'm doing. I guess it's sort of a given now, now that I'm in this different community that literally means seeking approval (nowadays at least). 

Having said all that, it just hurts when you feel someone you like very much (platonically if it's the opposite gender) not having replied you as enthusiastically as they did before, or as you do now. It just makes me feel tired knowing that I have to be careful around these people that I want to be good friends / close friends / long-lasting friends with the most. I don't want to piss them off, obviously. But it's just very tiring to know that you have to plan every step, so as to not overshoot their "like-ness" of you. It's very tiring to know that you have to placate them for them to like you as a friend, even though you very much just want to talk to them and tell them about your day and in turn ask about theirs. 

I haven't written for a while. I guess there hasn't been much in my life that's giving me an inspiration. There's a lot worth writing. Just that I lack that motivation these days. Laziness is almost my middle name *chuckle*. Maybe there's been too much happening around here. Ever since that event ended, I find myself caring more about that other community, when I should have just been detached like I always said I should be. I don't really know how to balance things anymore. 

My emotions go on roller-coaster rides far too easily. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothered with a world that seeks people's recognition, because it only will feed my insecurities far more than decrease it. But it is part of my dream, I think...or is my dream a part of my need to get people's approval? Should I stop that sort of feeling by stopping altogether? 

Sigh...it's hard isn't it? Hard to be non-detached, especially when you never made yourself to be that way. 

A post to counter a post

Back at Ange's and I'm here looking around for entertainment. Lo behold, I clicked on Abigail's name on Facebook, and finding what I was looking for.

She posted quite a few 'shiny' pictures (pun intended) for the benefit of whom I still do not know (nor am I sure if I want to know). Well, after splitting from Michel, it seems that she has got what she wanted, undivided attention. To be honest, the guy reminds me of my Ange. Sweet, kind, always could be there so long he's not working *laughs*. Though one thing that guy is that Ange isn't, is that the guy seems to be blinded. 

Love is blind, that's what they all say. Oh love is blind alright. Not seeing how sick Abigail can be for attention, he fell for her hook line and sinker. I suppose I'm in no position of how much a person can love or be loved. I've been in the same position once. But I gave the other party every chance to change. Abigail, on the other hand, just fell defeated at wanting physical attention from someone, and forwent the one guy that would have given her the world should she have asked.

According to her, "asking" for attention for a girl is embarrassing for her. She couldn't do it (so what was the point of parading yourself as a "handsome guy" when all you wanted to be is a fragile, normal, boring girl that's no different from the idiots I see a lot around). And thus Michel was put in the dark as she 'suffered' through being physically alone. She did not suffer. She was just too thick skinned to tell people that she's a girl and needs attention. Heck, even I know that I seek attention a lot. But from the right person, from my parents, from Ange, from the people that matters. With Abigail, apparently it doesn't matter whose attention she gets, so long she gets it. I have a feeling it'll backfire on her one day. As Ange said once before, wouldn't be a surprise even if she comes back with two or three, instead of just herself. 

I pity Michel somewhat. In a way, he asked for it yes, by not waking up to her nonsense earlier. But he was the victim, I could see that. There was a lack of true understanding for him, where there was all the understanding from him that he could have given at that time. Should a more understanding person she could have been, then perhaps the relationship would have lasted. But knowing now what she is, ready to defy even the fact of life just so she can be right, I guess it's a blessing in disguise that this relationship didn't work out. 

Figures. =/

Marriage... or just plain lack of practicality???

Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap. 

Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name (in a way), to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=

At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together (meaning we're not married), I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently (although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage). So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick. 

With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that. 

I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' (one side in particular) opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most. 

I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly. 

*nose wrinkle*

This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical (more like dreamier) one. 

Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?

The Irritating that is Abigail

Hello folks. I'm back here tonight to just key in what I've been feeling for the past few days / hours. Been snacking on some Wonka NERDs and I think I'm already rather addicted to them already. Ah well, they're pretty fun to eat, and that tangy sourness hits the right spot on my taste buds =3

Very addictive I have to warn. =3

Hokay...well...let's see what do we have here. My friend Michel has again gone up and about an argument with his now ex-girlfriend Abigail. He wants her back oh so badly to the point he's willing to travel out to another state just to help her mother to paint the house on her request, after the break up. ==;; Sorta sordid if you ask me. I know he's trying to get her back (fat chance on that side in my opinion, not that I want her to be back in my life at any rate, bimbos are the people I rather stay away from for my own health), but who on Earth who head to the mother's place just to help her paint the house after they've broken up with said girl??? Retarded in my opinion. =A= Granted, I may already be biased as I don't feel any love for that girl, but then again, common sense, when broken off, it isn't wise to not make it a clean cut.

Abigail's a psychology study ladies and gentlemen. Now, I know that this is a stereotype (so forgive me), but one can assume naturally that one who studies psychology has the ability or has, at least, learnt the skill of being able to put oneself in another's shoes, truly in another's shoes. Abigail, however, is a special little one. She uses the skills that she's learnt in psychology to make other people feel inferior, and thus, unable to compare to her in terms of words and skills. And best part, the girl won't even listen to reasons given by many scientists that girls are born with more grey matter (thus with more emotions) and guys just don't have that. 

Honestly she's going to be one of the worst psychologist in history of the world if she keeps that up. Can't imagine what her life's going to be. Thankfully Ange agrees with me at this point. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is the one with the guts to say things about her knowing that there's a risk that Abigail's going to be sneaking a look in on Michel's Facebook account. I'm rather of a scaredy cat of people's hatred I'm afraid. So I'm rather reserved on my comments, but knowing myself I still couldn't help but still to say something about her to Michel, further agreeing to Ange's thoughts about her. 

Now the poor lad needs someone to talk to, and honestly I do want to help him. But I do have an early exam tomorrow that I have to get to, and also the fact that I'm going home tomorrow for a month. Not too sure how I feel about that, but at any rate, if not now, he'll need to wait a while before being able to talk to me again (oddly it's not just Ange that he wants). To be honest I feel like I want to be able to enjoy tonight. But I guess I'm not too sure now. "Once in a while, a person has got to be selfish to save oneself"...is what they say.

Lack of thinking people do these days....

Heh...the essence of dating, as they say, is to remember to give your partner enough space to move around, so to speak. I'm all for giving enough space to people, seriously. But at least know enough to send me a word when you're going off somewhere, instead of when I ask, and then only you tell me that you've been off somewhere. If you told me beforehand, I wouldn't have needed to ask and frustrate now would I? =A=

Sigh...I really don't know what men are thinking sometimes. I get it that men don't have the same idea of safety as we do, or at least, in general they don't. The men I know almost think that they're invisible to the world, and God forbid even if anything happened, they would be able to handle themselves. But they forget that their loved ones are still waiting for them at home, wondering if they're okay. 

Seriously guys...just think of the people who you know will worry about where you are where you seem to disappear off the face of technology. We all don't have powers to teleport us to wherever you are to make sure if you're okay. So just have the decency to just send word of where you are if you're planning to go off somewhere, or go off to a guys' night out stuff or something, especially if you don't plan to reply that loved one for moments of time. Trust me, it'll do you, and her a lot of good if you make that effort. =.=;

And don't give me the crap of you don't think that it's dangerous, or the classic "I'm okay what...", or even "it's nothing suspicious why should I inform also". I know most men would love to answer that. Bullshit I say. We girls love you for a reason. We just want to know if you're okay, and if all of a sudden if you don't seem to reply for hours, we worry. We accept that there's a chance you won't reply us during your guys' night out. But for goodness sake accept that we will worry and you HAVE to at least send word when we do ask you where you are, especially with a worried tone, if not at the start when you head out.

It's not hard honestly. Just type "I'm heading out with who who who", and click SEND. So hard for you to spare that 10-40 seconds (depending on the speed that you type obviously)? She's the one you love right? Shouldn't be hard to spend a certain few seconds just to ease her worries if any come at all. Think men. THINK from our side for a moment... =A= I'm already thinking of your side, so at least make half the journey to meet me in the middle. 

Jeez...things men do these days....

An odd lament

Ever looked at an ex of your beau's and stop and wonder: "Gee...their names actually clicked as a pair in my head once before"? Yeah...you're not the only one. It's not jealousy, not really. It's just that I knew Ange before we got together. Knew him for around less than a year if I'm not mistaken. He was still with her then, although probably already estranged, just that I wasn't in the loop to know it. But in my head, their names clicked together once back then.

I was one of the people who gets curious about certain people, and when I do I actually go to their Facebook and stalk their pictures *laughs*. Well, it was interesting to say the least, when I first got to know Ange. I added him on Facebook (very highly unlikely that it was he who added me first, but there is still that possibility =x) and we somehow just started chatting. I saved a copy of our conversations from when I just got to know him until the few days after we got together. One heck of a long conversation if you ask me. But all the more worth it to read back. 

I'm the type that loves to read a backlog, to see everything again, to relive the romantic memories. I go back to those conversations and think with a cunning thought that the me back then didn't even know that this was going to happen, and the me now knows it. It's a silly thing to think about, I know. But it does give me a sense of satisfaction when I know that the me now knows something the me back then didn't, and it was something crucial.

Ange and I were...to say the least...very good friends back then. He was the person I ranted to about everything in my life, to be honest, I think he was the only one who would listen so patiently. =x As a person who can't really stop talking to certain people, he was a Godsend. So long he had the time, he would oblige to talk to me on an endless time period. And I really appreciate the friendship. It just didn't occur to me that it would get to this point with Ange. Funny how things can work out. =)

My dad constantly chides me about my past decisions, one of them being the decision to study locally when I could have studied abroad. Of all the things I may have regretted, I do not regret staying here. It is by staying here that I have got to meet Ange, and to be with him now, and I thank God for that.

Anyway, back to the original topic (I do get off track a lot when I'm a roll =x). What I was going to say...the girl and Ange's name used to click together once in my head. I used to get a little jealous looking at her name appearing together with his, I wasn't too sure why, oddly saying. Maybe God was trying to send me a message then. It just bothered me a little to see her name there. But as I've said, I didn't know why. I didn't even acknowledge that feeling and just brushed it off and wished the man well. 

I don't know why am I even breaching the subject here. But it just occurred to me as odd, because when I see her name anywhere near his now, I feel a stronger (stronger, but not strong) jealousy there. And now I acknowledge it, as if it's something familiar. No matter what, she once was what he fancied, I can't be all too comfortable with that right? But then again, I know have nothing to worry about. I trust him with my heart. It's just sometimes, the heart gives me a kick in the wrong direction that I know I should not follow, but am still thrust upon the doorway of that path anyway, tempting, albeit it being a very weak temptation indeed. Unreasonable jealousy was never a strong temptation in the first place right?

Looking at what they said again...yeah, the pang is still there. It's just something natural, I think (?). It's not easy seeing your beau and an ex being so friendly (but then again it's not too hard either considering the circumstances). Technically I am on speaking terms with my exes. But most of them I rather not go near at all, knowing that it would open one hell of a can of worms that no one wants to face. Let bygones be bygones and pretend I don't know them 'cept by name. It's easier to live life that way isn't it? Let my new life take over and forget the past, if only to forget the bad memories. 

Yeah it's probably the fact that I have nothing to do (technically speaking, I do have assignments on my tail, just that RO distracted me =x) that I am typing all of this now. But then again, I welcome these moments, regardless of the topics. I rarely get the motivation to write, let alone write so long a piece, gibberish put aside of course. Well, it's late. It's off to bed then. Ange's at the movies with Keats now (sounds like the poet, doesn't he? =3 Keats I mean...) and I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow. =w=

Have a goodnight folks. And a Happy New Year~ (muehehehehe...)

Marriage thoughts?

What is your opinion about the big 'M' word? 

That's right. In this post, I'm going to post about my thoughts on marriage and the things that comes with it. Right now, it's all I can do not to call my mum right now and tell her that I want to get engaged to Ange as soon as time allows me to get married. But I am afraid of being further from my family than I am already are. 

I know what comes with marriage. Financial independence (and I don't mean that as a good thing), emotional dependence, living together, and all sorts of things. We have to make a lot of compromises and stuffs like that. The way I put it may not make me seem very mature. But I can assure you, I know very well what a marriage entails. It also comes with being separated from my family, and as much as I want marriage, I'm very very scared of that happening to me.

My posts these few days won't make sense. So I ask you to pardon me. It will be stopping half way here and there due to my lack of perseverance in writing something long winded. 

Down to Earth instead of floating in the clouds

Hello again. 

Today, I've tried really hard to go into new groups of people, to make new friends. Of course, having a second identity worked a little better for me knowing that even if I screw up, people won't know who I am. Even if I screw that up (God forbid that from happening - Amen.), I just have to create another persona and just start again. Thing about having more than one identity is that people don't know who is the real you, due to the fact that in that particular world, you rarely meet the person within. 

But then I realised something. I was trying a little too hard to blend in, when in the first place, what I wanted wasn't to just blend in. I was thinking to myself that seeing as my own worlds don't really accept who I am, might as well try being a part of another world. In a way, it is a good idea. It's a new source of friends for me. And it gives me something to do when Ange goes to one of these things for performances. I get to make a bunch of friends (virtual or no) without having to worry about whether they'll be okay with the real me, seeing as I probably won't be showing them the real me within, figuratively speaking or no. 

However, what Callum had said to me a few months ago struct my memory. Be in a different world from the person you are with. It makes it easier to come up with things to talk about (ironically, being in the same world means you go through the same things, which in turn means less things to tell each other about), and just in case of anything, perhaps if the beau is busy, you would have another world for you to be busy in. To me, having another world meant that I could be independent when I wanted to. When you and your beau belong in two different worlds, or perhaps more, it means when you are known in your own world, you are holding your own, without help of the beau.

I don't want to think that I'm trying to get into this new world just to be closer to him. I don't need to do that for it to happen. When I decided to go into the world, I wanted to do it without the beau's help, so that people won't look at me and go 'oh isn't that who who who's girlfriend who started this and that because her boyfriend helped out?'. Probably this is all just my thinking too much, people probably don't think that way anyway, let alone thinking that it's a bad thing. But I think it's just the independent streak in me. If I want to be known, I want to be known as myself (technically), not as someone else's someone. 

I stopped myself from 'blending in' so much when I realised something. I wanted to retain the real me, instead of trying so hard to maintain another identity in another world. In that world, I am this person. But in this world, I am Kaitlyn Emily Summers. The sense of Western and Eastern gives me a sense of difference in my heart. Here, I am English. There...well...who knows who am I. Even I'm not so sure of that yet. It's only my first day trying after all. I have a lot of identities in my head. Perhaps after this, I'll be spending a lot of time telling myself that being Kaitlyn in this world keeps me grounded instead of being another person in that world. 

Knowing that I have taken that first step today, that has made me proud. I was afraid of many things, of people's negativity especially. I was still going against every suggestion that my friend Cherry B and also Ange has given me, just because I was insecure of myself stepping into a new world. Today, I stepped. I may have tried a little harder than usual, but I'm proud of myself that I was willing to take that first step. Now, with a toe into the other world and the rest of me being Kaitlyn here, I think I can be pretty happy. I'm happier being Kaitlyn, I always have been. I guess all I wanted to know is that I have the option of being someone else should I need to be for a while. 

I miss being home...

In a blink of an eye, it's already 2 weeks to school reopen for me. I really don't know what to feel actually. I really want the holidays to drag. For one reason I can actually have a reason to go up to KL again: because I still have a LOONNNGGGG holiday ahead of me. But now, with only 2 weeks left, one contemplates on whether it's worth the trip when I'm going to be back there in 2 weeks anyway. Being able to spend time with my family should be the key point at the moment. I'm at the position where I really want to spend time with my family, especially my parents, as much as I can, and I also want to see Ange again. 

Tomorrow I'm going to run with my cousin. With only 2 weeks left in my chances to sleep late and I'm 'wasting' it by deciding to go jog around with le cousin. Every part of me is screaming at me "are you crazy???!"...heh. After tomorrow then I'll stay lazy until school starts. =w=

Thinking back to my old self, I've realised how much I've actually changed over the years. From a girl who had the opinion that friends were over family, I have now become a person who puts family above everything, my parents in particular. Then comes le beau and then le friends. I feel like I know the real important people in my life now. God bless my family...and also Ange. =) The rest, to be honest, can just take a number until when I am actually bothered to care about them. They've never given me much of their time of day, some of them do, but most of them don't, even when I did. So I don't see the point of making them any sort of priority. They're the options.

When I marry in the future, I want to be able to stay somewhere really really near to my parents. I really wouldn't mind staying here in my hometown. For one thing, I would be available for my family whenever I'm needed. And I'm able to visit my parents every weekend like mama does now. I guess it's only the job problem that I've got to worry about. My hometown isn't exactly booming with new businesses. But I guess it's a topic that I can only think about when the time comes. 

TV dilemma

I just finished watching the whole Season 1 of Perception and I'm wondering now if it's a good idea. *laughs* I was looking forward to watching it on the TV, you know, the excitement of having a real TV schedule to stick to? It's one of the things that I miss, especially when I'm in uni, there's no TV to watch, there's no shows to look forward to. There's only the laptop where I download shows that I know of and watch them. I don't get to be introduced to new shows, like Perception now. I will only be stuck to the ones I already know of. *sigh* 

This is why I prefer to be at home, one of the reasons anyway. Being able to watch TV is one of the freedom that I always associated with being at home. Of course there's nothing to watch in the daytime usually, but during the nighttime the shows on 8TV really isn't so bad, like Perception and the Mentalist (that I'm now currently trying to follow every week religiously). Who ever said following TV shows are bad? It just gives me something to look forward to every week. And trust me, with me having not much to do at night but to stay in front of the laptop in my room, an excuse to go out and spend time with my family is much appreciated, although I know some of you may say that I don't need a reason to spend time with them. True, I don't need one. But having one is appreciated all the same. 

I'm downloading the Perception Season 2's episode 7 and 8 now. I'm hoping to be able to resist watching it until I head to uni in three weeks. I miss Ange so much, but I have a feeling I'll be missing my family even more when I get back to uni. Give and take I guess. I wonder if I want to head to the Animagaki event that he will be performing in. My cousin's driving up there on Friday, I could stay until Sunday if I wanted to. I'm sure my mum would let. But to be honest, although I really want to see my man do what he does on stage, I don't want to lose any 'at home with family' time more than I will next time. I will be able to see Ange perform again. There will be that chance. But there might not be such a long holiday again for me to be with my family...and really, I don't want to waste what I have. So I guess I'm staying home.

Although, sad fact is, I'm so fickle that I change my thoughts a lot sometimes...

But I really feel that I should stay home. As mama said (a lot to me these few weeks - which makes sense), enjoy your holiday. Boy, I haven't heard that sentence in a loong loooooong while, I can assure you. I've never been allowed to sleep in this late before (naturally waking up is just so awesome). And I'm not about to stop that now.

_(:3」∠)_

Hormones and depression...just a little.

What is it with hormones that makes my mood go up and down and up and down? Seriously I hate having periods, period! (no pun intended)...

This is one of the days where I felt extremely content an hour ago, and upon seeing that Ange's out with Mr. Practical and probably won't have time for me, my mood turned a little for the worse. Where's my empathy of understanding, you ask? Oh, it's right here, in my head. It's telling me that he needs his time with his friends and all that and he can't cater to my every whim every time. Yeah I know that. I just can't help but to feel depressed that's all. Probably the hormones. (Hormones inside me are probably going : "yeah yeah, blame everything on us *grumbles* nobody gives us any credit". Well, if you want credit, quit making people depressed!!!)

I'm not sure why but I just don't feel too serene. I have nothing on my mind to worry about, 'cept for the idiotic landlord and chief tenant's lack of courtesy that's pissing me off. Otherwise, I'm perfectly serene, with just a splash of depressed emotions in the heart. 

The mind has no control over the heart. It's as if both my brain and my heart works together at the same time, one of the main reasons why although I have empathy, I constantly struggle with myself and my decisions. Empathy and irrationality works together hand-in-hand, making clashing decisions to think and feel different at every chance they get. As if my hormones aren't doing enough to my emotions once every month (hormones: "quit blaming us will you?!" ; Me: " yeah yeah yeah...*scoffs*").

Sometimes, the heart in me likes to tell people that take him away from me (temporarily - obviously). People like his college people (uni stuff), his friends (normal case), even his anime-s and games (yes I'm that crazy...). My heart's telling me to be selfish sometimes when it comes to him, it's just that I don't really...do too much of what my heart tells me (anyone at this point might sigh in relief). Unless there is no conditions where following my heart doesn't give bad consequences, following my mind (aka Miss Rationality the Empathy Department of Brain Inc.) has always been the way to go, to avoid others being mad at me. 

Heh...what do I know right now, right? I'm just depressed...

Glamour: Le self or le cosplaying self?

Now this is a topic that I find very interesting. Why do people want to be somebody else? I stumbled upon a friend's Facebook site and saw the grouping of profiles in the 'friends' category that interested me. There is was, Miss Shirley and her cosplaying persona side by side, though I wonder how many people actually know that they are both of the same person. 

I looked at their profile pictures and I saw that, evidently, the cosplaying profile was more glamorous than her normal persona. And thus is why she maintained her cosplaying profile more than the normal one. Interesting how people want to be someone else. I'm don't condemning, don't get me wrong. I envy that they are able to do that. Actually, I envy that they have the budget to do that. If I could, I would love to dress up as somebody else, getting all the attention and adoration without people actually knowing it's me. It's some sort of a freedom that not many people can or want to have.

I love (good) attention. Sure, I do. But I don't want attention as myself, cause I have this issue with being too self-conscious, which is where my empathy comes from (ironically). Call it a clash of character. But it is easier to adore getting attention when we're not ourselves. Because we won't be judged for wanting attention. 

Hmmm....this is just a short train of thought. Not much to write about really...

Two is perfect but is three a crowd???

Do we ever feel jealous whenever our best friends try to bring a new friend into the fold? Or when the new friends try to squeeze themselves into the fold? Well...I've been through both. And through my experience, both of them really isn't pleasant at all.

When it comes to friendships, I'm rather territorial. I don't mind extending my hand of friendship to a new person that I have just met. But when that particular person is invited in without my consent or tries to push in the fold without my consent, I will feel my shackles rise. My brain will naturally want to reject that person away from me, and most importantly, away from the group. I just don't want to lose the solidarity that I have with the current friend, especially if it is a best friend. 

There have been too many cases in my life where the current friend pushed me out of the circle because of that new friend. Granted, some of you would say that maybe they weren't 'steady' enough to be my best friend in the first place. Or maybe I did something wrong. But no, I always try my best to be the loyal and helpful friend. I've never done them wrong. So my guess is as good as yours. Maybe I just wasn't interesting enough.

At any rate, self-pity aside, I just don't like it whenever a new person comes into the fold forcibly (through my eyes). My (gay) best friend Callum has asked to bring a new friend to our gathering. More of a date than a gathering, seeing as it is only two people. This new friend is a girl that I know exists. We talk fairly little, mostly only random comments on each other's posts on Facebook, and even that is once in a blue moon. Through Callum, I have known that this girl has some sort of a same interest as me and him, Literature and books. She blogs too, but I rather not include her blog in here. 

Now, Callum is gay. So obviously (in case some of you think so), there is no romantic intention towards him whatsoever. I waste no time in telling you that I am poker straight. But I am just the type of person that cannot stand someone else trying to bring in someone new. Probably it's some sort of a trauma from past experiences. I tend to think negatively of the person they try to bring in, even for no reason at all. 

This girl, I shall call her Fiona (a name I really don't like in the first place, so you can see where I'm coming from), is not someone I can relate to. To be honest, I'm not even sure that I want to relate to her or connect with her. She speaks English and thus, language is not the barrier. But Callum and I have this bond, this bond where it enables me to crap about whatever topic under the Sun. And I personally feel that anyone else who is there will just ruin the bond. I've been through the same with Elene and her boyfriend where when she's around, I am unable to talk about anything personal with him, with him being my past best friend. 

I don't know what I should think right now. But I guess if Callum is willing to bring her in a once in a long while gathering together, I'm guessing that he isn't that exclusive a friend after all. Someone told me once that having a smaller circle of friends means you don't have to take much crap from people. Usually a smaller circle means most of your friends knows you very well and vice versa. But in my case, I'm guessing that having a small circle of friends only makes me risk being hurt by them more and not being able to have back up. Harsh as that sounds, this is reality.

Waging a war with the experts in a game is like you're prepared to lose...innit...

Ever think that sometimes, we go around trying to make others feel more inferior than us? Even subconsciously? Yeah...I do that sometimes. But not to make others feel inferior, but instead to make myself feel superior.

You see...there is a difference between the two. What I see certain people are doing is that they use their so-called 'skills' to play mind games with people. Most of the time it's using words, whether it's from a bully, an academic (a plain psychology student maybe?), or even the smallest kid. We do a lot of things either to make other people feel inferior to us (in other words, bring them down), or to make ourselves feel superior (bring ourselves up). 

Certain people like to bring others down. They humiliate others by pushing them around, saying mean things (that mostly aren't true and come from their own insecurities) and beating people up, even. Some use things that they learn from places to play with people's minds without the use of violence. Myself, I like to think that I do both. I bring people down and pull myself up, but more on the latter, and only when I'm hopping mad. I say whatever I want about that certain someone (of course, making sure that it's a logical explanation before I start spouting words) to the closest people around me (preferably someone that has something to do with the person I'm mad at or it won't have the impact that I want), just to make myself feel better without actually hurting the person I'm mad at. I never actually get mad at a person without actually knowing that I have good reason.

Regardless, I still sound rather mean, don't I? *sigh* 

I have this friend of mine who has just gotten his first girlfriend, a psychologist student at that. Ange told me that she has made a hobby out of 'playing' his friends, using words to make them back up and probably with the intention to show that although she's only two decades old she's still 'smarter' than the rest of the twenty-year plus year old friends. Unfortunately, she made the mistake of coming to me with her childish way of playing. Childish, because being an expert is at least knowing to find out about your opponent's strengths before actually going ahead with her game. 

Needless to say, she lost. She tried to play with my mind, to get me to back up to her 'teasings' just as how she expected all her boyfriend's friends to be like. She didn't know she was dealing with the Mistress of this game. I analyse people faster than anyone can complete their sentences. The minute she came in with her 'war' strategies, she was a goner, I saw through her straight away. Knowing she wanted to play, I played along with her, trumping her at every strategy she had on her sleeve. She was, at most, a good player. Me and Ange are veterans. When she threatened in her way, to go to Ange with her 'teasings', I invited her to go ahead, not even worrying about him as I know, if she was stupid enough to 'play' him, the one losing would be her. She knew that she had nothing on me, and thus she gave up the game. 

I didn't bother so much before because my friend was a willing recipient of her psychopathic warfare, so long it didn't come to me and Ange. Now that it has come, it made me mad that she doesn't even know her own level to play with the experts. Ange said that I'm probably mad because she is similar to me. Yes...she is similar, but without empathy. And that is where she will lose dearly should she forget to measure the strengths of her opponents. I ask analysing questions to allow myself and other people see themselves better. Most of my 'clients' get surprised whenever they answer my questions and find out new things about themselves. I enjoy making people squirm sure, once in a while, but only teasing them as a good friend, never to shoot at people. 

You've brought the war to me. Make sure you don't come to me or Ange with your nonsense again. I don't mind being your friend. But come to me with another war in your mind and I can assure you, you will find your degree totally useless when you're facing me. 

A heart's inspiration: While you're away... *laughs*

This is one of the times where I actually feel more philosophical, thus the reason I'm writing now. 3 days ago, it was (is) me and Ange's 5th month together. When I'm together with him, I never really think about the fact that he is my boyfriend. In my mind, I actually refer to him as 'the person that I spend as much time as I can with'. The sentence 'he is my boyfriend' never really comes into mind. And I find that really interesting. Because just the thought of that sentence makes my heart skip a beat, excited. But it will only last for one second until I think of the sentence again. 

I'm guessing that fact sentences like that excites me, though it doesn't really appear much in my mind naturally. Growing up, I never really think of getting boyfriends, or even having one. To be honest, the idea of a 'boyfriend' didn't even exist in my dictionary. To me at that time, me having a crush on a boy would just mean that I really really want to spend time with him. Back then, I was only 11. So the only way that I wanted to spend time with the boy I had a crush on was to play with him, like kids. We chased each other whenever he teased me about something. We would exchange sentences that we thought were insults. And because of this family hierarchy thing we had in our class back then, I was his wife where he was the third son of the 'mother' of the class. I still find those experiences really fun to think about.

It's probably why whenever I see Ange, all I think about is that I want to spend time with him. The word 'boyfriend' doesn't really come into mind until someone actually asks me who he is to me. Interesting, isn't it? Funny thing is, the sentence of 'wanting to spend time with him' itself doesn't appear. My heart feels it, very strongly too. I'm not really sure why is this interesting to me. *laughs* But I find it relaxing to just write it out.

Now, we're both going through this distance period where we (technically) have to stay apart for 2 months. It's probably going to be the last 2 months holiday that I'm going have in a long while. So to be honest, I am appreciating this holiday a lot. I love being at home, being able to relax (albeit remarks from my parents once in a while to exercise or do the chores). Being able to sleep in my own comfortable bed in an air-conditioned room is a luxury to me too. The room I have at university is just too warm to even feel comfortable. Not to mention the bloody stink bugs that come once in a while to annoy and scare the heck outta me. 

I can say that I'm starting to get used to being away. I probably still can't last too long a period, but compared with the first week (and second), I think I'm doing better at taking the distance in stride. I envy Ange sometimes. He's able to switch off the part where a person is supposed to yearn for the presence almost immediately. But however I envy that trait, I think I still prefer to miss him this way if I have to go through distances, instead of turning off that part of me. This is because I want to know myself that I still love him. As crude as that had sound, I think the moment where I am able to 'turn off' the part of me that misses him, it might be the moment (God forbid) that I stop loving him. And I truly don't want that to happen.

Credits to Google Images.

Oddly enough, it is when he is busy watching a movie that I am able to have time to type out this entry *chuckle*. Once in a while, writing about things does the soul much good. Pity I don't have much patience with handwritten work, especially since my hand does get tired after a while. 

Thought of mentioning how men being partial can risk them losing their female friends. But as my writer's block has arrived in my brain, perhaps another time. =)

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

I think I need a therapist...

I've lived my whole life basing it on the thoughts of 'not troubling other people'. Being empathic, I pretty much have to live my life that way to be able to live with myself. I am such a sucker for guilt trips that I pretty much make myself end up the one who endures all the setbacks so that everybody else can live easy. It comes with being too self-conscious for my own good. But it's something that I can't help. I grew up this way. *scoff* I guess I should thank my mother for teaching me to be this way, seeing as she is this way herself. 

They say it is a blessing to be able to think both ways, or as many ways as there is possible. People like me are able to debate critically, hitting at every single possibility that the other person might give. People like me are also able to understand very well, if not empathize, what the other person is feeling, thinking and dreaming. This makes me able to give good advice to others, knowing when they need advice and when they need comfort.

Well, it is a blessing, in a way. But a curse as well. Because I'm empathic, I find myself understanding other people a little too much, and in turn wanting to give in to them just because I know where they came from. I forget that sometimes, being human means putting my foot down, especially when it's something that is important to me. Problem is, usually if I go with what I want, the guilt that comes after that seeing everyone's sad faces is something that I myself am not even sure that I can take. As I've mentioned, I'm a sucker for guilt trips. It's bad enough that I put this on myself. It's worse when other people try to put guilt on me. 

Sometimes I feel that nobody's going to be able to understand what exactly the hell am I going through. I've only had one acquaintance where he is empathic too. Alas, being a man (more like a boy who's just trying to show people how superior he is), he cannot exactly fathom what emotions go through the female heart, let alone one that is added with a strong sense of empathy. He tells me to just let go of my sense of humanity, and just assume that I am special and different. People are going to just keep wanting me to understand them, and he says I've got to accept that and just let go. 

After listening to what you have got to say to me, I've got this to say. I'm sorry, but I cannot let go of the hope that humanity can still be understanding. Probably because I understand where humanity has come from. I care about the people around me. I care about them so much I would do almost anything for them (well, certain people that is...). Getting hurt and angry whenever they give me a reaction that pretty much spells out ridiculousness (though their blind hearts cannot see it), is something that I cannot help. Because I do expect them to understand better than I do. For those younger than me, I only hope that I can guide them well enough to understand the people around them. For those who are older, I expect them to know more than I do. Unfortunately, without empathy, most of them can't reach that expectation. 

On a related subject, I have already been living every day trying to just not let myself get into trouble. Or as an ex once told me, follow the 11th commandment (that he invented), just don't get caught. *chuckle*

My birthday is looming near, and I am excited about it. It's the one day where I can use as a reason for people to understand me instead of the other way around. And yet, other people still want me to understand their ways, and follow them, forgoing my plans and my hopes. I move to follow them and yet still try to get my plans to work, compromise as I call it. But my mother gives vetoes after vetoes that just eats at my empathy because I know I should be listening to her by moral standards. 

My empathy tells me to just let him stay home, and let them celebrate my birthday alone without him, just because it'll be less troublesome and less dangerous for him that way. But I just have a feeling that if I forgo my hopes and plans completely for that day, I would regret so badly for the rest of the year. I don't want to sacrifice myself just so others can have an easier life. I've understood people well enough for the past two decades. I have taken the high road and always, always tried to explain to people when I know that they're doing things wrong. 

To him, I've always tried to put things right, instead of going by my pride. I've always tried to make the communication between us smooth and obstacle free. I've gone out of my way to make him happy by showing him that I really care and love him, especially on his birthday, even if he didn't care much about birthdays in general. I did not let distance be an excuse for me to not show that I care about him. Just because my love language of physical touch cannot be used during the distance period doesn't mean I can say that it's too troublesome for me to do anything else to show that I care. I just sincerely hope that he can do the same for me, and not just tell me that even answering me a yes or no is troublesome. 

A girl just wants to feel cared for, loved and the priority. I've tried my best to give my heart to you. I don't want a sense of bond where the other half feels that everything else is more important than me. My empathy would probably allow me to just understand that you just have other things to worry about. No, not allow, make me more like. But I don't want a relationship where my empathy have to make me understand everything. I don't want to have to understand at all. A loving relationship isn't supposed to be that way. Understanding yes. But understanding for every moment where even an unsure event is more important than my birthday, more important than just seeing me, that's just too much for me to take. 

I don't need you to really make me the top priority in everything. I just want to be the top priority in something...because right now, I really just feel like I'm everyone's second choice, even yours. And if I can't even feel like I'm the top priority for my birthday if not any other day, then what's the point of me living as a person?

My mother asked me why can't I just not see him. For someone who doesn't understand, I guess I cannot blame her. She just doesn't understand how our relationship goes. She doesn't understand what I expect and what I give. She thinks I don't have to give anything and thus not having to expect anything. But if that were true, a relationship wouldn't exist. Because even in friendships, there is something called give and take.

I have to see him because it is part of my love language. I am a person who cannot take long distances for long periods of time. I've had to go through that once before. I know what hell that was. I cannot bear to let my heart go through that raw again. Call me weak, if you like. Call me dependent. Call me whatever words you like. But I will say this, everyone is different. It is only with empathy that I am able to understand at least half of them. But you whom are without it, don't judge others with your own principles because chances are, without empathy, your principles will crumble when debated with someone else who has it. 

Worried...

Yesterday I felt like one of those emotional wrecking balls came right at me, without even a warning that things were going to happen. Annoyed, left-out, hurt, depressed, bothered, and perhaps even jealousy, all of them rolled into one huge ball of chaos. And yet, I couldn't help it. So God help me.

I told Ange everything that was bothering me. God bless that sweet man of mine. He can always understand (if not empathize) the reasons why I would feel a certain way. Just that I myself don't really know what to do or say sometimes to help myself feel better. Just because everything else I've tried hadn't worked. 

Anyway, I bought a new ukulele to play from the Read Malaysia bookfair. Only 88 bucks adding 2 for the picks and 15 for the bag. Total 105 bucks then. Partly, I didn't feel the burn because it felt like an investment more than a purchase. I really want to learn how to play it, to be able to play songs as I go around in the future. Of course, partly it is also because I'm not opening the Excel file for expenses that I have. *grins*

Ah well, the next four days eating instant noodles will be the plan then. Gotta get more instant noodles. 

Best-Dressed? Best fraud more like...

No matter how I try, nothing seems to be worth the effort. For days I've stayed up late trying to complete the gloves which I thought would give me the edge to at least be noticeable and at last, win the Best Dress Award. It is general knowledge that for the Best Dress Award, one usually has to dress according to the theme, look fabulous in it, and also, be different. That has always been the key.

But tonight, I felt like the definition of Best Dress Award has been changed. Changed. To Miss Popularity. Because the person that won tonight, was a clone of three. Three girls, wearing almost the same thing, two of them 100% identical on their outfits and accessories, except the colour choice. One was green and another was pink. And there was me thinking initially that they wouldn't stand a chance at winning anything with those identical outfits. Boy, was I proven wrong. The green one won. 

She was no different from the tens of other girls who donned ribbon hair ties and A line dresses with their loopy earrings. Even the friggin' stilettos were the same design with Miss Pink. Only the colour remains different. If colours were the criteria, then screw the damned theme, someone just wear a rainbow coloured dress to the party and she'll be crowned best dressed. *smirk* A clown could win. 

Now, people would say that I am bitter because I didn't win. No, that isn't the case. If the person that won deserved to win, I would not spare her the congratulations that she deserves to get from me, a fellow contender. Last year, someone of worthy status took the crown. And I congratulated her with no qualms or hesitation. Because she was different. She caught the people's eye. People voted for her. I conceded defeat with satisfaction.

In this case, people did not get to vote. Someone unknown decided. And the someone who won was a clone, a complete clone, of another in the same party. So explain to me this, how the hell did she wear any differently from her clone? Why the hell does she deserve the Award? Can someone tell me who the hell decided on this nonsense and also, can that someone give a legit explanation as to how Miss Pink Clone won the award? Because, right now, it feels like there is no difference to the elections.

The award may not seem like anything to you guys, dear readers. But it means a lot to me when I put in one hell of an effort in dressing to kill and to see it fall to the hands of someone unworthy. I am no sore loser. I concede when I know I am truly defeated (in the sense of having a better costume). I congratulate the winners with an open heart and a smile (no matter how much I don't feel like smiling, granted I will still be disappointed). But to see someone as such holding the award, sorry, I feel no intention to congratulate you. You do not deserve such a praise. Yes you look nice. But like almost everyone there tonight, you're nothing but a clone. The End.

p.s. Ange has been very very sweet to me even though I don't feel too happy. Just want to take this chance to say thank you :) Love you lots. xoxo