Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap.
Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name (in a way), to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=
At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together (meaning we're not married), I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently (although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage). So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick.
With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that.
I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' (one side in particular) opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most.
I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly.
*nose wrinkle*
This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical (more like dreamier) one.
Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?
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