5 months later?

And I'm back here after...what...5 months? Yeah...

What a time to be back here writing. 

Just experienced muscle cramps today. Twice to be exact. Now I know, it isn't all that interesting. But honestly the pain was murder. Can you imagine having your toes twisting with each other as you try to walk in class while teaching? 

In line with that, I'm teaching now. Previously I was teaching at a primary school. And now I'm in a Chinese Independent school. I won't say which, for privacy purposes. But in time I probably will. 

I'm not really sure how to update you guys now. I didn't want to start over with a new blog. That sounds rather silly. But I'll give it a try and see how things go with this update of mine. 

I mentioned that previously I was in a primary school. I was only there for 6 weeks. But it was one of the best 6 weeks of my life. I honestly enjoyed the work, the kids - maybe not so much the parents - and the colleagues. That was March 23rd. The day I started at that school. 

After that, due to certain...persuasions, I decided to leave there and take up the offer of a so-called "better" school. It's my first week there at the new school, going into my second week. And I'm starting to wonder if I've ever regretted anything else so badly. 

I'm not too sure what to express here. 5 months of void, too much to say. Way too many things swim in my mind every single day. It makes me wonder when will I stop wondering. Probably not. *shrugs*

Just a thought...into a blog.

Have we ever wondered what made us look like who we are? What made us who we are...

I sit here and watch everyone's progress in life, in cosplay, in...everything, basically. 

I'm only grabbing the inspiration in me while it hits, so please, nothing about being self-pitiful, or anything negative. I know who I am. 

We've all dreamed to be like someone, be it once before, or right now, or possibly even in the future, you won't know. But at a certain point of time, I get to a moment where I start thinking that I don't want to be thought that I'm copying him, because, at a rate, I do have self pride (and perhaps a little too much of it). 

Yes, I get jealous whenever that happens. Because he gets there being born adorable. He gets there having already, the cute features that is part of the reason why he is that successful right now. Now, when I say "he", I don't mean a specific gender. I refer to both men and women alike. We've all been jealous of some of them at a certain point, be it if we want to admit to ourselves or not. 

So, what do I do when I get jealous? Well, nothing, for the most of it. Today, I resolved by just writing here. It's not really helping to progress, I know. But when you don't have the resources, nor the skills (yet) to make it be like as he is, sometimes, the best thing to do is just sit tight and try not to beat yourself too much about it. Because chances are, (not trying to be spiteful here, only stating facts) a lot of them are successful (in a particular area) is due to the surrounding resources that they have. 

We often hear of the successes with the sadder background stories is because those are the stories that sell news. We don't hear of the normal rich to rich, or beautiful to beautiful, or even genius to genius, because that's what it is, it's not interesting to humankind in general. We only want to read about the contrast, be it from a bad condition to a good one, or the other way around. 

So I stand by my ground, the people whom I know are successful in the area that is significant to me (this is important because do not go jumping to conclusions of what I actually mean), are usually the ones with better pre-ready resources. Pair that with effort and there you have that success. I realise I may be sounding like a sore loser, so forgive me. But it is something that I must get off my mind before it loses itself in my train of thought. 

It's funny how this post only started with a thought. I didn't know what was I going to write. I just wanted to. 

Looks like Mary Schneider was right. Just do what you want to do for only 10 minutes, if you think that you cannot do it longer than that. You'll be surprised at what comes out, or what inspires you after. It's not ten minutes yet...but you get the idea. I just had to start writing and see what comes. Now, I have a perfectly decent (I hope) blog post to showcase, instead of leaving it almost deserted for a few months like I did last year. 

Sometimes, I really do feel like I need a following for me to be encouraged to keep writing my thoughts out. Because sometimes, the thought doesn't seem important enough to be posted. But then I forget, this is a personal blog. Lifestyle. So I choose not to be bothered. I just have to write. Somehow, it's still better than writing into a diary these days, because chances are, I'll get tired of the writing itself, and with no one to read it, I would see no point, because my goal is not just to express, but also to be heard. 

Perhaps I really should keep a notebook on what I can write about here. It's therapeutic in a way. Especially when I just don't have the right person to talk to. 

The Big Bang Theory parallel

Hello!

After not posting for so long, I guess this might sound a bit late. But Happy New Year!

I've just watched an episode in The Big Bang Theory. I had the chance to get the whole Season 7, and watched to the point where Penny's car broke down and was announced unusable. She was on the verge of crying. She was at a point where she quit her waitress-ing job to concentrate on her effort in finding acting jobs. Without a car, her life, and her dreams, were literally over. She cried. I understood.

I was half expecting Leonard to just suggest buying her a car then and there. But, he did not say anything...and I thought that he could have done more. I distinctively remember thinking about it, wanting him to do more. 

I could feel exactly what Penny felt at that moment, the feeling of being lost, helpless, not being able to help yourself but to go back and meet the people you hated, that desperation knowing that you would ask for anything, so long it got you out of it, but just stopping short of asking your other true half for help. Yes, we have our pride. Desperate for help as we are, it's hard for us to ask for help directly without making it seem like we can't handle the problem. 

When the scene went through, I was partly angry at Leonard, for not offering anything but so-called "solutions", perhaps with it being due to him only giving questions, instead of actually helping her. The catch in my heart that I felt was evident. Because I knew that desperation. The desperation that you would accept help from anyone, even from the person you hate, but secretly hoping that help comes from the person that you can trust the most. 

It's a dark place to be. Not a place I would recommend for the weak-hearted. For those who have never felt that desperation, you don't know what it's like. Sitting there, giving us possible solutions, it really doesn't work sometimes. Sometimes, what we need is just the problem solved, because it's getting too much to handle. We don't have the capability to solve it anymore. Or the will to.

As I sat there and thought of it, the episode continued. Penny was expressing her feelings of being humiliated at being forced to head back to get her old job at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard was too busy making jokes, but...on hindsight, I saw why he could make those jokes.

Anyway, Leonard was supposed to send Penny to the Cheesecake Factory to get her old job back, trying to lighten the situation with crude jokes. Then they head down the building, and Leonard opens the car door for Penny, only for Penny to notice that it wasn't his car. She stated that it wasn't his car with a total look of confusion. Leonard states: "I know, I thought we could take yours" *holds up new car keys*. Penny was confused. Leonard explained that it wasn't a fancy car, but it would help get her to auditions, and she would not have to go back to the restaurant to work. When she understood, she cried. I cried too. 

The reason this scene affects me more than most is because this scene reminds me of Ange and I. Leonard solved her problem without asking her, knowing that it was what she needed to get back on her feet. Ange said specfically before, he would be the type that solves the problem, not waiting for me to ask for help, especially when it came to financial problems. 

I had no need for help back then, it was a rhetorical statement. But now, seeing the parallel situation between Leonard and Penny, with Ange and I...it made me relate to them a whole 'nother way now. I was touched, I cried, and I'm proud to say that I have a Leonard too, knowing that he would be there for me when I need it. Knowing that he would be there, is enough. I no longer need to walk in the dark, fearing I would fall, because I know that there's someone there to catch me. 

I can walk in the dark with my head held high. 

-Thanks to Pachebel's Canon in D playing in the background for keeping me writing. It's been a while since any motivation or inspiration to write came along. The right scene, and the right music helps. :)

With love,

Kaitlyn

Visiting pasts

Have you ever visited the past? Not literally, obviously. But more like going back to old messages, looking back at old conversations, memories, etc. What did it feel like looking back? More in particular, what did it feel like looking back at old relationships? Nostalgic? Wistful? Or relief? 

Well, what if you had the chance to look back at someone else's past? Interested? 

Being partly emphatic, mostly thanks to my high insecurities of what people might or might not feel, I can relate to certain experiences through word conversations. Word, because there is a record of past conversations, provided the people it belonged to did not delete said conversation. I can't relate to a lot of factual experiences, perhaps, yes. But, emotionally, I can. Pain, especially. The pain of breaking up.

No no...it isn't my breaking up with someone that I'm talking about. No. Those were very uneventful. And not something I want to go back to to be honest. It not my own experiences that I want to relive. It's other people's. 

Don't you think it to be interesting? To be able to visit other people's pasts. And then to wonder what feelings actually went through their hearts, to allow them to spew out such eloquent (or not) words. There is this person that I had the chance to went through the past for, all thanks to a certain online application that kept conversations in archives for years. 

I looked back to certain names that used to mean a lot to him. And there my adventure started. I used random word searches in the conversation so as to help me get back to the particular timeline that I wanted to see, knowing the guy's story. Because I knew who the guy is, I wanted to know who he was. 

As I read through the words, all I could think of is the pain that he must have went through during that particular period of time. The empathy in me shot volleys of pain through my heart knowing how he must have felt when he uttered those words. And I felt for him. He isn't who he used to be. But I sit here, thankful that I know who he is and who he was before. 

I got a bit miffed knowing that he doesn't do what he used to when it comes to me now. But I guess, with each different change, personalities change along with it. 

Visiting his past made me feel just a wee bit different about him at the moment. But then again, it just means that my view of him changed, just by that much. And it's good that it did. Because it means I can love him just that much more than I already have. :)

People and drama, they just come together.

Day after day passes by and I'm sitting here wondering, why does time fly so fast? It seems like only yesterday that I was thinking this week was going to be hectic (it was Sunday of the previous week)...and it wasn't, and it's already Saturday of the this week. 

Well, enough about time. 

Being in the cosplaying community for a while, it makes me wonder about the drama that people can cause. When personal interests come into play, a lot of the time, people can forget about relationships. As they say in Chinese, "recognise money don't recognise people". But in this case, it's more to personal benefits instead of money. 

I've seen very popular people screw up their methods of dealing with their issues. With this era being the era of the Internet now, some of them seem to deem it wise to share their issues with an anonymity of names on their Facebook accounts. And then they would have all their friends come in and comment (i.e. bashing, flaming, etc.) on the same status, with the person stating "you know who you are". 

Really people?

That's not the way to deal with things. Now I'm not a saint, nor a wise person that's been meditating on the top of the mountain for years. But the wise thing to do when one has issues with someone else is to directly go to the person and explain what issues that they have. Not to post about it online, hoping the person that you're mad at will read the post, be bothered with it, and then reply to you / post about it on their own status and then you end up denying that you ever meant it about them because, well, you didn't really mention who now did you? 

Confronting people with issues that you have with them isn't about giving yourself space to back down from your words when people have issues after hearing what you said. Being mature / wise isn't about posting things online with an anonymity on names either. It just shows that you're too much of a coward to want to deal with people personally, being scared of what drama they might cause you. 

So what if you're scared? Does that mean you go to the Internet? So what if you're worried they're going to cause more trouble than its worth? Does that mean you're ethical to post something like that? No.

*sigh* What people fail to understand most of the time, is that we need to face issues directly, scared or no. If you fear that the other party will give you trouble for talking to them directly, then figure out a way to get past that. 

I've faced a coward bully once before. She was bent on spreading rumours about me because she couldn't stand that I was dating her crush. My crush was hell bent on beating things out of her (a reason why the word "was" is used) but I convinced him to let me try to deal with it. I don't need people to use violence to solve things (although admittedly, landing a slap on her would have been satisfying). I knew she had a gang of friends that would back her up. So I figured out a way to get to her alone. 

I called her out in the middle of her class. She had no choice, because her friends could not follow her and the teacher had allowed me to see her at that moment. I talked to her amicably, told her that what she's doing is going to cause her more trouble to her than to me. Upon telling her that her crush was intending to beat her up, she believed me. And she promised never to do that ever again. 

Now, I knew that her friends were the one who egged her on (I never did like those lot). But confronting her was the wisest thing I could do. There was another experience, where another girl, sadly having the same cowardice (it must run in the people of the same year in that school because both of them were friends, not too close though) accused me of frisking her boyfriend. Now, what I did was only to pat him on the back, asking him if he had lunch, and going off to my own class. Next thing I knew, the girl started a vendetta against me, saying that I am a flirt. If she didn't have faith in her own boyfriend, that's her problem. But bothering me with gibberish was not the wisest thing she could have done. 

I had no chance to confront her, as she furiously avoided me, knowing that her story was based on non-existent stories. She had only wanted her friends to blindly support her, not caring if they knew the real story. But I did the next best thing. As a favour, I asked the boyfriend to talk and convince her that what she's doing is nonsense. In his defense, he did apologise, even though he had no skills whatsoever to control that ball of cowardice that was his girlfriend. Other than that, I did nothing. It wasn't wise to do anything other than that. 

The girl and I never talked since. But she wasn't all that much a good friend anyway. So it didn't really matter too much. 

Now I've stepped a bit too far from the original intent of the post. What I meant to say was, facing your issues directly is always a good way to start. Never go around facing them. Never post them publicly online. Just go to the person who you have issues with, because that is the way to solve problems. If that doesn't work, then, well, you can go ahead and do whatever you see fit, because you've tried your best at wise choices anyway. 

On a separate topic, we all had the notion that only girls create drama within themselves whenever they sense a threat to their position, interests, etc. Today, I've learned that guys do that too. 

Screw the bro code. There are men who would screw their brothers over just so that they can slap him in the face (not literally) when he's down, especially when their love interest has anything to do with it. Hypothetically, the story was, Leonard likes Audrey and Arina. Mack successfully dates them both (obviously not at the same time). Now Mack's a decent guy, albeit a lil' soft of my taste. Mack's second girlfriend, Arina, had just broken up with him. Arina, Leonard, and Maximilian are good friends. So, when Mack and Arina had broken up, the latter went to talk to Leonard and Maxim. Leonard, being jealous, wanted to rub the break up in Mack's wounds. Thus, both Leonard and Maxim goes to "bring news" to Mack on what Arina said, some of it being "you guys have no chance being together anymore", complete with gloating voice. 

It baffles me on how guys would do this to their own brothers for the sake of someone they like (not that the other person actually likes them back for that matter but I guess that's a moot point to crazy people sometimes). For what it is worth, I really do hope Mack learns from all this. It does get sickening when you have to tell the guy the same advice after two broken relationships. 

Finally at that place...

Yesterday, I finally was at a place where I ultimately okay with my parents knowing what I'm doing in my life (for the most part anyway). I finally approved my mother's Facebook friend request after so long keeping it in limbo. 

I was a rebellious kid. I did many a thing that I kept a secret from my parents in fear of them scolding me. Because of it I developed a sense of defensiveness as a child that I (fortunately or unfortunately) brought up to my young adult years. 

These days, I'm trying my best to not snap at my mother (out of defensiveness and my own impatience, I am very sorry about that). I am trying to control my temper and to always try to tell her as much going on-s in my life as possible. There are certain things still that I find I cannot tell her directly, but to allow her to guess and for me not actually confirming her answer (to give myself some leeway just in case someone gets mad). But seeing as I don't post those things on Facebook anyway, and I'm assuming that I can still rant without the 'rents screaming at me at the top of their lungs (God bless them), I made the decision that approving my mother's request on Facebook won't be the worst thing ever.

Ange always told me to think, if I can take the consequences of what I might do, then go ahead and do it if it makes me happier. I have a friend, Vince; he was so adamant for me to not approve the request because he still insists that parents should be clueless about our so-called "fabulous" life. I can see that he is still at the rebellious stage, not really growing up. But then again, looking at the state of his family (I'm not to gossip, but to state facts), I don't blame him (too much). 

I want my parents to be a part of life. Now that I'm not at home often, and what with my temper when I am I home, I want a platform where I can share what I'm doing with my parents without me snapping or them reacting too badly when I break out something to them. It's not the perfect step, I should be telling them things personally instead of relying on technology like Facebook. But it's a step I can take at the moment, because I am trying to work on my impatience, not to mention my defensiveness that causes a lot of trouble. 

And personally, I think mama would be happy too, knowing that she can somehow keep in touch with me when she wants to. I don't post too much personal things on there now. But it'll allow her to feel like I'm still with her. I know she misses us. 

Of flaws and future beaus

I finally found the inspiration needed to come back here and write. Ironic that it's the same sort of experience that one goes through almost everyday, but never take the effort to notice...

What makes us human? As in...people. Our good points? Yes, humans are kind, they are strong, they are intelligent (more than some), they are many things on this God's green earth. But when we mention humans, ourselves, do we look at our flaws as clear as we see the strengths? 

No...not many people do. One thing we humans generally are is that we are proud creatures. We take pride in the things we do, things we don't do. Pride is in all of us. It's just depends on the person whether Pride is a big part of him or not. But because we have Pride, chances are, we rarely would admit, or even see, the flaws within us. And because of that, we tend to lament that we don't get much of a "life". 

You see, dear readers, the reason I'm writing all of this is because I'm feeling rather philosophical. Yes, philosophical. Sitting in my cool, comfortable room in the middle of the night last night gave me some sort of an epiphany, if only for the people who complained about "having no life" in front of me. 

You see, when we were talking about "having no life" (myself excluded, I do not see my life to be that mundane), my colleagues back then were relating "having no life" to "not having a boyfriend". I baffle at the relation, but I do understand their sentiment, if not empathising with it. My colleague then went on to relate her "cup of tea" in men.

She wanted younger, cuter, more boyish, and yet manly at the same time. I listened as she rambled on about the looks she wanted in her future beau, and started to think to myself, is that all people can say about their future beau? Or is that all she can say? The looks? 

*chuckle* Now I don't see myself as some relationship expert, although I can say that I've had my fair share of heaven and earth experience with ex-boyfriends. I've dated many a guy, all different from each other, although bearing certain inner similarities. It is because of it that I had the chance to learn what I really need in partner. Not someone who looks good all the time (although I can say that looking good / cute is a good bonus to have), but more to someone who can complement me, like how jigsaw puzzles fit into each other because they were made that way. 

I need someone who can make up for my flaws with his strengths, and vice versa for my strengths to his flaws. I want my personality to complement his, as much as his do mine. I want him to talk when I don't, or be content with the silence. I want him to listen when I talk, which is a lot. I want him to be patient with my quirky self, because I know my temper isn't for the random guy to be able to handle. ,I want him to be able to counter my arguments when I need a decent conversation. I need him to allow to handle my own problems, and only ask for help when need be. I need him...for so many things, different things, from what people will say. 

Perhaps my colleague did not deem to share her thoughts of her future beau's personality with me, or perhaps she really didn't think about the key points of her future beau that has to complement her being. It just made me wonder, whether people actually know how to see the flaws in themselves to be able to give such an observation about their future spouses. 

Perhaps I am blessed enough that I got the chance to experience different people in my life that it allowed me to know what I need in someone, because all that assured me what sort of personality in my beau that I need for me to be able to function as a human being, as well as being his other half. I can see my flaws well. And though sometimes I don't admit them too proudly, but I still do state them fairly, like my temper, for instance. Knowing my flaws clearly allows me to state what I need in someone that will be living with me for the next century (God willing). And looking at my colleague, though it may be a bit of a stretch, it makes me wonder, if the people at large, are willing to admit what flaws they have, to themselves if not to other people, just to see who fits them better, not who they want to fit them better...

Just a thought to start the day... :)

Detached impossibilities...

Have you ever wanted a friendship that is just so effortless, that you need not care about when can you be yourself? Have you ever wanted to just relax in a relationship, not having to worry about whether you're going to be stepping on landmines, or time bombs? 

I've been through these couple of days, planning every step with effort. Because I am a person who loves to be bubbly, squeal-y, and highly enthusiastic with my friendships when the mood comes, I always find it so hard to accept that some people can't be the same. It makes me think whether they're going to hate me for "making an effort" to talk to them. 

I myself have certain timing when I do not want to talk, usually  if it's a person I don't know too well, I won't reply too enthusiastically, but I'll still show a warm welcome regardless. I can do that, so sometimes, I do wonder, why can't anybody else can? They show me warmth, oh yes, they do. But the sort of warmth that makes you feel that it's forced sometimes. Because to me, even a little bit of resistance can make me feel unwanted. Being a linguist and a member of the female species, I catch even the littlest resistance to warmth people give and interpret it to something less warm, especially if I don't know the person that well, which makes it harder to interpret correctly. 

I've met with many time bombs over my years of getting to know people (and no I'm not that old). So dealing with time bombs is somewhat of a learned skill when it comes to me. But it doesn't mean I like dealing with them either. Dealing with time bombs and landmines is really one hell of a journey. I've dated a time bomb. Hated it to the very core till this very day. I need a person who can be lively when I'm lively, and not dead when I need them to be nice. 

Yes, I have to admit, I'm a rather...people-pleasing sort of person. I search for recognition from people, because I am the eldest. I grew up with encouragements and praises for what I did good, and also scoldings from what I did that wasn't good. So I got used to that life, and constantly seek for people's approval of what I'm doing. I guess it's sort of a given now, now that I'm in this different community that literally means seeking approval (nowadays at least). 

Having said all that, it just hurts when you feel someone you like very much (platonically if it's the opposite gender) not having replied you as enthusiastically as they did before, or as you do now. It just makes me feel tired knowing that I have to be careful around these people that I want to be good friends / close friends / long-lasting friends with the most. I don't want to piss them off, obviously. But it's just very tiring to know that you have to plan every step, so as to not overshoot their "like-ness" of you. It's very tiring to know that you have to placate them for them to like you as a friend, even though you very much just want to talk to them and tell them about your day and in turn ask about theirs. 

I haven't written for a while. I guess there hasn't been much in my life that's giving me an inspiration. There's a lot worth writing. Just that I lack that motivation these days. Laziness is almost my middle name *chuckle*. Maybe there's been too much happening around here. Ever since that event ended, I find myself caring more about that other community, when I should have just been detached like I always said I should be. I don't really know how to balance things anymore. 

My emotions go on roller-coaster rides far too easily. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothered with a world that seeks people's recognition, because it only will feed my insecurities far more than decrease it. But it is part of my dream, I think...or is my dream a part of my need to get people's approval? Should I stop that sort of feeling by stopping altogether? 

Sigh...it's hard isn't it? Hard to be non-detached, especially when you never made yourself to be that way. 

A day in a day...

Sitting here, I feel tired, depressed, dead, with no appetite. I threw half my food away, more out of the depressing feeling rather than out of lack of hunger. I'm pretty sure my appetite would be back soon, when I feel better. 

Had a tiff with Ange, and at the moment, I'm just too reluctant to just say 'let it be' (as always, you can say). There's a lot of time where Ange would not understand how my mind works, how disappointment is one of the worst things someone can do to me, especially after I've been looking forward to something, only to find out at the last minute that we're not going. 

Ange insist that he's said enough to allow me to assume (key word is here) that we won't be going to a certain place. Being the linguist that I am, being the arrogant, pissed off linguist that I am, my head screamed : If that is what you think is enough for me to start "assuming" then you can just go screw yourself." 

1) He has this habit of telling me never to assume. 

So whatever he asks me or implies at me to assume without giving me a straight answer, can just fly out the window, preferably from the hundredth floor. 

2) He has this habit of "giving up" on talking whenever he thinks it's too much of an effort to argue. 

Ironically this doesn't happen with minor facts...or even facts that he thinks is right. This is probably my kiasu self talking for a while, but if you not talking means you "never lose" to me, bullshit. You want me to see your point, say it. Else I know that you don't have a point, or know that even if you put forth your point you will end up having nothing to say.

3) He didn't argue which led me to 'assume' that we're going somewhere other than home. 

By saying "that place is too far" at the front, and saying nothing after I continue on and on about going there, he thinks that it is enough to allow me to know that we're not going to that certain place. Eh hello, I'm not a mind reader. I don't treat you like one, I'm sure. So blardy hell quit treating me like one just because your laziness can't even let you finish your opinion in an argument. 

To the men out there, speak your mind or your silence will be 'assumed' as compliance or acceptance, especially after the girl giving one hell of a good explanation and case presentation. Never just put whatever she says off and just plan your own route and then only letting her find out at the end that she won't be going to where she wants to go. Not to be selfish, but at least tell it to her face that you guys aren't going somewhere, or deal with the disappointment anger that WILL come, mark my words. 

Never ever let me feel disappointed, or at least without a good and valid reason. Not telling the truth of your opinion and then expecting me to know it is bullshit okay. You can take that part of you and throw it out the hundredth floor window now because that is going to land you in a pile of dung. You don't even see the depth of what you did to my feelings. And yes, it blardy hell is important.

The thing about girls treating guys as mind readers only is crap. Guys do the blardy same thing to girls, especially local men, because they care about their damned pride / don't care about making an effort to lose their pride a little. All that of which will cause people like me, who actually did make an effort a lot to go full swing to stop an argument, talk first after an argument, and insist on making it up. All you get nowadays are people who don't care shit about the other person when they're mad. 

I did what I had to do, paid my dues. So why the blardy hell aren't you feeling what you're supposed to feel? Lazy? Go die. That's what I can tell you. 

And yes, I can be Irene Adler, screwing you and then demand that you please me. But I have that love for you which changes everything. I want to, but I can't bring my heart to do it because I'm scared of losing you. Do you care shit about making that effort? That TOTAL effort? Yeah...you can't be bothered because you're too lazy to make that effort. 

Insecurities?

Y'know what? I've come to understand that Facebook has become a very dangerous entity for all those out there, especially those people that go "please notice me!". They sit in front of the computer for hours hoping that something interesting would pop up in their notification's box, better yet if it's from someone they admire. 

I am here now to admit that I do all of that sometimes. I am very insecure about myself at times. Ange knows that very well by now and he tries to deal with it. But then, I am trying to not let it bother me. I forced myself to log off my Facebook a minute ago after waiting for ten minutes wondering if anything would happen after I posted a status. *sigh* This really has got to stop. But how does one stop being insecure?

Insecurity has always been something that's been plaguing me since my childhood. I search for approval from everyone around me, hoping that they would support me in what I do. I couldn't help it, my parents encouraged that and I didn't want to do anything to stop it. Being the eldest child, sometimes it's hard to stop looking for approvals because everyone around me is waiting to disapprove of me. And thus, I try my best to make them approve. It's a harmful cycle, I know. But after more than two decades of going through things like that, I am finding it hard now to change my habits and my state of mind.

I see other people's statuses being commented on and 'liked' and I get sort of depressed / let down when I saw nothing happening on my own stuff. Then I start wondering "isn't my things any interesting?", "Am I not trying hard enough?" or even "should I try harder?". Some of you would see me make an effort because I really am trying to make friends with you, please you guys, be the good / funny friend that everybody would love to have. Yes, I know it's superficial. Yes, I know it's shallow. But boy have I been trying to help it.

In my life, people who truly loves me will love me and be my true loyal friend (and we all know how scarce that can be nowadays). On the other hand, those that hate me / dislike me / is indifferent really comes one too many. Makes me want to sit them all down and talk to them and ask them what the hell did I do to make them feel that way. Some say that it's because I'm that good (in what I'm still not too sure, but still feels good to know I'm 'good' in something :) ), some say it's because I'm good with boys (easier to talk to than girls in general, where I have to worry about if anything I said will offend them), some say that it's because that I'm tall. 

I don't know what am I trying to prove when I try to make people like me. So don't ask me that question. All I know is, I'm trying and I'm still not sure where the heck am I heading with all this. =~=

A post to counter a post

Back at Ange's and I'm here looking around for entertainment. Lo behold, I clicked on Abigail's name on Facebook, and finding what I was looking for.

She posted quite a few 'shiny' pictures (pun intended) for the benefit of whom I still do not know (nor am I sure if I want to know). Well, after splitting from Michel, it seems that she has got what she wanted, undivided attention. To be honest, the guy reminds me of my Ange. Sweet, kind, always could be there so long he's not working *laughs*. Though one thing that guy is that Ange isn't, is that the guy seems to be blinded. 

Love is blind, that's what they all say. Oh love is blind alright. Not seeing how sick Abigail can be for attention, he fell for her hook line and sinker. I suppose I'm in no position of how much a person can love or be loved. I've been in the same position once. But I gave the other party every chance to change. Abigail, on the other hand, just fell defeated at wanting physical attention from someone, and forwent the one guy that would have given her the world should she have asked.

According to her, "asking" for attention for a girl is embarrassing for her. She couldn't do it (so what was the point of parading yourself as a "handsome guy" when all you wanted to be is a fragile, normal, boring girl that's no different from the idiots I see a lot around). And thus Michel was put in the dark as she 'suffered' through being physically alone. She did not suffer. She was just too thick skinned to tell people that she's a girl and needs attention. Heck, even I know that I seek attention a lot. But from the right person, from my parents, from Ange, from the people that matters. With Abigail, apparently it doesn't matter whose attention she gets, so long she gets it. I have a feeling it'll backfire on her one day. As Ange said once before, wouldn't be a surprise even if she comes back with two or three, instead of just herself. 

I pity Michel somewhat. In a way, he asked for it yes, by not waking up to her nonsense earlier. But he was the victim, I could see that. There was a lack of true understanding for him, where there was all the understanding from him that he could have given at that time. Should a more understanding person she could have been, then perhaps the relationship would have lasted. But knowing now what she is, ready to defy even the fact of life just so she can be right, I guess it's a blessing in disguise that this relationship didn't work out. 

Figures. =/

Marriage... or just plain lack of practicality???

Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap. 

Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name (in a way), to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=

At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together (meaning we're not married), I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently (although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage). So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick. 

With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that. 

I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' (one side in particular) opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most. 

I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly. 

*nose wrinkle*

This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical (more like dreamier) one. 

Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?

Cracking bottle...I need more just than a piece of plaster

I can feel myself cracking at the sides, needing someone to tape the cracks up for me. I am back now to KL and I can feel the homesickness grow. I was depressed for the past day, though probably distractions has (thankfully) kept my tears at bay. I've been depressed for the past 24 hours, although I'm not really sure why was I like that. I just knew that every little thing would trigger myself to feel a little bit sadder / number than I was the previous second. 

The distractions that Noir gave me allowed me to be sane for that few 24 hours. But now as I get hungry in the middle of the night, one piece of Mandarin orange is enough to get me thinking of home, and there starts where my resolve to keep it in for now crumble. Tears are leaking out as the cracks on the bottle that holds everything start to increase one by one. It's taking all my willpower to keep myself from breaking in front of my roommate, which is not what I need right now. 

It's only Monday and here I am wishing that I was able to break everything down last night. After meeting Noir again after a month, I feel the warmth that he gives me increase, asking me how I am and wanting to assure me that he's always there. I wanted to let go of everything right then. But somehow I didn't want to talk about it too much in detail yet as I didn't want the first night of meeting him after a month to result in a bout of crying and nothing else. And yet, after feeling a few days of homesickness even from home, and a variety of pressure landing on me and keeping everything in, I can feel my resolve breaking bit by bit as the cracks on the bottle increase ten fold. 

Deep breaths are the only thing keeping my tears at bay at the moment, though not that effectively at bay. Perhaps because it leaked a bit, so keeping the rest in seems easier. It will increase again over time, I'm sure of it. But all I can do now is to hope that I can last till Thursday, because crying alone and in front of anyone else doesn't seem to help, only to duplicate a bottle and to empty one, not two, because I know only by telling Noir that I can feel at least a generous amount of relief. Telling my parents would be the best idea, but I have a feeling that telling them would release a lot more than just a bottle's worth. 

Worries of the future

I'm think I'm at a point in my life where I sit here and be confused and stressed about how the whole world around me has become. I used to be a child, with the biggest worry to be what homework I have tomorrow. And now, I am here, a grown-up in a blink of an eye, wondering where has the years gone and worrying about much bigger and complicated things that I sorely don't want to think about.

I know that we have to grow up as humans, but why isn't there an option for us to be a child again, even if it is for a few hours every week, a contraption perhaps that allows us to relive our childhood, our sweetest memories, at a moment when we pop to bed for a nap. 

I'm scared of the future, not knowing what holds and not knowing what's going to happen in the next ten years. I want to be married to Ange by a natural path, no forcing, no prompting, no external triggers. I want to live in a comfortable house with the mortgage payments stably being paid off with a very comfortable salary of mine, I want to be able to send my parents monthly expenses - the same way they always do for me now when I'm studying, whether they need it or not is another matter. I want so many things to happen and I really am scared of the ambiguity of it. 

They say knowing your future is changing it, because it has both good and bad, depending on what choices we make. I've always said it was best not to know our future, because from what I can predict, who knows what we find out isn't what we want to see (God forbid). I want my parents to live forever, as long as possible, to be happy and smiling and healthy. I want my relationship with Ange to be the strongest ever beside my bond with my family, ignoring everybody else's "good-natured" advice saying that there are certain things that wouldn't last. Well, news to those who are pessimistic and continue to stay so, the only thing that doesn't last is the chocolate that I just popped into my mouth. I am confident that every love I have will last, even to the end, it will last. 

I'm not too sure what does this post do for me. I supposed I'm just spouting out what's random in my mind. It's just nice to have both a directed diary and a non-directed one. I can always choose who to aim my words at. And I can always choose where and how to write. This time has been one of those occasional inspirations that comes into my head, one of those inspirations that allowing my fingers to fly off the keyboard of my laptop right now. And seeing as it is here anyway, I might as well honour it by expressing whatever my inspiration wants me to express. 

I guess all this worrying has got to me a little bit somehow. Ange's off to watch a movie (again!) and I'm pretty much just...thinking (?). Now that the main part of the Chinese New Year holiday is over, I'm sitting here facing a little bit of what I need to face in the future. This holiday is supposed to be my one holiday without pressure, at least the previous bit was. Passing the half mark of the holiday just makes me nervous, and knowing that my exam results is coming out isn't helping the stress either. I just want a few more weeks without having to think about anything. I just want to enjoy my studying life without people breathing down my neck wondering what am I planning for next.

Perhaps a part of Ange has influenced me a bit, or maybe it was always there, it just needed a supporter or a trigger. He doesn't like to plan for things, and I usually do. I like to be able to do something about it, to chase away my worries. But there are times where I won't be able to do anything but my best (which usually means what I want to do, sadly speaking, it's almost nothing nowadays) and I have to learn to stop planning for things like that. I want to be able to enjoy my time (so-called free time of studying) as it is without worries of the future. I want to leave those worries to exactly that, the future. 

Maybe God can grant me grace, because Lord knows I need my prayers answered. I don't want to sound like I'm rushing or anything. But I guess when it comes to pressure, I'm just not the type who can deal with pressure very well. The certain type of pressure, like a deadline, possibly yes. But the type of pressure that comes from people, those I don't think I can deal with that easily. I'm just not made for people pressure. I am already scared left right center of whether I'm good enough for people (yes I have confidence issues), I don't need more people pressuring me to live up to their expectations. 

I love to analyse people. I love to analyse situations. Perhaps that is why I analyse myself quite a lot. I wouldn't mind listening to a professional's opinion about myself and my background, it would be nice to know why am I like this and that. Maybe I really should take up my friend's suggestion and just head to that professional counsellor she sees.

A blink of an eye: The state of teens

What is it in the process of making friends that is so hard to comprehend? At what point are we trying to hard? At what point are we not making an effort at all? At what point do we just flip the table and say that we don't care? And...at what point should we start panicking of our lack of effort? 

We humans are rather peculiar. For the typical, we tease and say mean things about people when their efforts in making friends are visible, in other words "trying too hard". For the not, we scold them and scoff at them for not making any effort at all, saying "no wonder they don't have any friends". And yet, when we want to try hard, we scold people for being mean to us, same thing happens with the other side of the coin. 

I'm probably a little shallow to some people for wanting to make a lot of friends. I'm even trying to make friends with total strangers on the chance that they wouldn't know anything about me beforehand, thus no prior impressions or biased-ness. But when you see those same people not doing anything to make you feel welcomed, it makes you wonder if it is their mindset that dis-allow you from actually spreading your network. 

I don't know much about typical teenagers nowadays. Not all, but most of the ones that I've met only care about their clothes, boys / girls, and b****ing about other people of the same species, being hypocrites along the way. It makes one wonder about what happened to our society that makes them that way. Of course, they're only teenagers. God forbid they grow up to stay that way though.