A blink of an eye: The state of teens

What is it in the process of making friends that is so hard to comprehend? At what point are we trying to hard? At what point are we not making an effort at all? At what point do we just flip the table and say that we don't care? And...at what point should we start panicking of our lack of effort? 

We humans are rather peculiar. For the typical, we tease and say mean things about people when their efforts in making friends are visible, in other words "trying too hard". For the not, we scold them and scoff at them for not making any effort at all, saying "no wonder they don't have any friends". And yet, when we want to try hard, we scold people for being mean to us, same thing happens with the other side of the coin. 

I'm probably a little shallow to some people for wanting to make a lot of friends. I'm even trying to make friends with total strangers on the chance that they wouldn't know anything about me beforehand, thus no prior impressions or biased-ness. But when you see those same people not doing anything to make you feel welcomed, it makes you wonder if it is their mindset that dis-allow you from actually spreading your network. 

I don't know much about typical teenagers nowadays. Not all, but most of the ones that I've met only care about their clothes, boys / girls, and b****ing about other people of the same species, being hypocrites along the way. It makes one wonder about what happened to our society that makes them that way. Of course, they're only teenagers. God forbid they grow up to stay that way though. 

The Irritating that is Abigail

Hello folks. I'm back here tonight to just key in what I've been feeling for the past few days / hours. Been snacking on some Wonka NERDs and I think I'm already rather addicted to them already. Ah well, they're pretty fun to eat, and that tangy sourness hits the right spot on my taste buds =3

Very addictive I have to warn. =3

Hokay...well...let's see what do we have here. My friend Michel has again gone up and about an argument with his now ex-girlfriend Abigail. He wants her back oh so badly to the point he's willing to travel out to another state just to help her mother to paint the house on her request, after the break up. ==;; Sorta sordid if you ask me. I know he's trying to get her back (fat chance on that side in my opinion, not that I want her to be back in my life at any rate, bimbos are the people I rather stay away from for my own health), but who on Earth who head to the mother's place just to help her paint the house after they've broken up with said girl??? Retarded in my opinion. =A= Granted, I may already be biased as I don't feel any love for that girl, but then again, common sense, when broken off, it isn't wise to not make it a clean cut.

Abigail's a psychology study ladies and gentlemen. Now, I know that this is a stereotype (so forgive me), but one can assume naturally that one who studies psychology has the ability or has, at least, learnt the skill of being able to put oneself in another's shoes, truly in another's shoes. Abigail, however, is a special little one. She uses the skills that she's learnt in psychology to make other people feel inferior, and thus, unable to compare to her in terms of words and skills. And best part, the girl won't even listen to reasons given by many scientists that girls are born with more grey matter (thus with more emotions) and guys just don't have that. 

Honestly she's going to be one of the worst psychologist in history of the world if she keeps that up. Can't imagine what her life's going to be. Thankfully Ange agrees with me at this point. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is the one with the guts to say things about her knowing that there's a risk that Abigail's going to be sneaking a look in on Michel's Facebook account. I'm rather of a scaredy cat of people's hatred I'm afraid. So I'm rather reserved on my comments, but knowing myself I still couldn't help but still to say something about her to Michel, further agreeing to Ange's thoughts about her. 

Now the poor lad needs someone to talk to, and honestly I do want to help him. But I do have an early exam tomorrow that I have to get to, and also the fact that I'm going home tomorrow for a month. Not too sure how I feel about that, but at any rate, if not now, he'll need to wait a while before being able to talk to me again (oddly it's not just Ange that he wants). To be honest I feel like I want to be able to enjoy tonight. But I guess I'm not too sure now. "Once in a while, a person has got to be selfish to save oneself"...is what they say.

Jealousy...an interesting concept

What is it about jealousy that eats at people's hearts? Is it that a green little monster inside our heads suddenly springs to life when he sees things that he thinks we would not like to see? Is it a natural instinct that us humans are unable to change or overcome or to avoid it from happening? I don't know what is it about it. Because usually jealousy is known to come without reason. But...what if jealousy came with a reason this time? 

Good evening. It's been a long 2 to 3 weeks. Many things happened, many of them not too important as they're not about me. Thank Heavens everything that truly concerns me is good, happy and most importantly, safe. A friend of mine broke up with his first girlfriend. Poor Michel is in a grieving state now and I'm about to be off to provide him some company, along with Ange, later at night. 

But that isn't my point today. I've met many things in my journey through life. I've thought of many things that can happen. I've considered many things that people expect me to consider before doing something. But not once did I ever think of having to consider a form of jealousy that is rather...reasonable...

What would you do, dear readers, if you see the love of your life, talking to his ex, with an odd manner while talking? The content of the conversation is, I trust, to be innocent. But then why hide the conversation almost immediately when one tries to view things? It contrasts, that much is evident. And it is the contrast that bothers me at the moment. 

I know that I'm not supposed to be prying around. But granted, one does get curious of such things when it stumbles into our midst. One can't help but to pry. Even he has admitted to prying once, and to this day, that girl still doesn't know what he did. He did it with good reason, so I won't say anything. But as do I now, I do what I do with good reason. The conversation was hid from me, made to seem almost natural, that movement, but me being someone who notices things easily (at least for things that I do want to notice myself), I tend to take everything with a pinch of salt. But it still did make me wonder about it. I didn't want to seem...distrustful, but the urge of wanting to ask about it was there. 

I am a person who asks everything that comes to mind. But why am I trying to seem like the 'good girlfriend' that he deems me to be, when all I want to do is just to ask what on Earth, or why on Earth did he move to hide things? Is it to protect me? Is it an instinct (like everything else that happens sometimes)? Is it something that you didn't realize you were doing until you were doing it? 

I ask from anything to everything. You wondered aloud once why I keep asking questions. I believe I've told him once that usually it could be for conversation's sake. But at certain times, when I ask something, I do genuinely want to know what is going on. But...how can a girl ask something like this, without seeming like I don't trust him? Oh, I trust him, I do. It's just that when there is a movement like that that catches your attention, your heart seems to just waver that bit of a little bit. Thoughts come into your mind...does he still care? Does he regret what happened? Does he this and that...

It is not something I can help, nor it is something that I am proud of. But it is something that comes natural to me and I supposed that I have to come clean about what I'm worried about somehow. I don't want to say that I pried because I was burning with curiosity. I don't want you to mistrust me ever, because I would rather not betray that trust at all. But she was the ex that gave up, you didn't. So any sort of movement, sentence, thoughts, that comes to light to my eyes, it will make me have that worm of jealousy, doubt, worry and insecurity in my head. 

I love him. He should know that. But if asked am I jealous? 

...

Well...I suppose I have to say that...yes...yes I am.

Post-MS?

You know that one point where a girl (or anyone else, I wouldn't know) starts feeling irritated by every single thing that happens. Like a hair that fell on the arm and itches, like the scalp that itches even though you just washed it that morning, like the hair that fell on your face that itches, like idiot people getting under your skin and your brain is itching to tell you to shut them up (you know you can do it...just that...well...they're still your friends). 

Ange tells me that it's that time of the month's fault. But I seem to think differently. That time of the month never bothers me. But hell, all the other small stuff does. I had gastric pains on the way back home from The Legend of Hercules the movie (legend my butt...saddest case of Hercules story I've ever seen - only in my opinion). Being hungry - the gastric obviously - didn't help my irritation, neither did the bad movie. 

Ange tried his best to make me happy again. Knowing I was hungry he went to a mamak after dropping our friend home. I knew he was doing something consciously to make me feel okay again. But man I do wish that I know what's the reason that is bothering me. My theory is that it's all the tiny tiny reasons put together (those irritating hairs!!!!!). I'm consciously trying to feel better again. Of course feeling tired / sleepy doesn't help. Thinking about that, it even led me to the thought that we have 24 hours in a day. Why the hell do we feel sleepy after what...14 hours? 

Lack of thinking people do these days....

Heh...the essence of dating, as they say, is to remember to give your partner enough space to move around, so to speak. I'm all for giving enough space to people, seriously. But at least know enough to send me a word when you're going off somewhere, instead of when I ask, and then only you tell me that you've been off somewhere. If you told me beforehand, I wouldn't have needed to ask and frustrate now would I? =A=

Sigh...I really don't know what men are thinking sometimes. I get it that men don't have the same idea of safety as we do, or at least, in general they don't. The men I know almost think that they're invisible to the world, and God forbid even if anything happened, they would be able to handle themselves. But they forget that their loved ones are still waiting for them at home, wondering if they're okay. 

Seriously guys...just think of the people who you know will worry about where you are where you seem to disappear off the face of technology. We all don't have powers to teleport us to wherever you are to make sure if you're okay. So just have the decency to just send word of where you are if you're planning to go off somewhere, or go off to a guys' night out stuff or something, especially if you don't plan to reply that loved one for moments of time. Trust me, it'll do you, and her a lot of good if you make that effort. =.=;

And don't give me the crap of you don't think that it's dangerous, or the classic "I'm okay what...", or even "it's nothing suspicious why should I inform also". I know most men would love to answer that. Bullshit I say. We girls love you for a reason. We just want to know if you're okay, and if all of a sudden if you don't seem to reply for hours, we worry. We accept that there's a chance you won't reply us during your guys' night out. But for goodness sake accept that we will worry and you HAVE to at least send word when we do ask you where you are, especially with a worried tone, if not at the start when you head out.

It's not hard honestly. Just type "I'm heading out with who who who", and click SEND. So hard for you to spare that 10-40 seconds (depending on the speed that you type obviously)? She's the one you love right? Shouldn't be hard to spend a certain few seconds just to ease her worries if any come at all. Think men. THINK from our side for a moment... =A= I'm already thinking of your side, so at least make half the journey to meet me in the middle. 

Jeez...things men do these days....

First post of the new year : 2014

First day of the new year of 2014. *rolls rolls rolls about* I have no inkling as to what I want to do now. Oh, I know what I should do, and that is studying for my French exam in two days (but less than 48 hours TAT). But my heart is not letting me want to do it, and I can tell you, that's the highest level of procrastination I can give you. (._. ) When my heart doesn't want me to do something, the thing really can't be done. If I force myself to, all that will come to be is just much yawning and complaints of tiredness.

French, french, french....seriously I am never ever going to take another foreign language again unless I'm sure that I want to commit to that time. Studying for it is such a drag...compulsory, yes I know; but still a drag nonetheless. Now I'm trying to convince Ange that it is best for me to study beside him (although I'm seriously doubting that myself...but then again, I have been known to act when I need to, I've done my best assignments with him by my side for goodness sake =3=) but I'm not sure he'll take me up on that suggestion. O~Q

My first professional dressing up picture is already out, thanks to Michael Tang Photography. It reminds me to get a new corset, a decent one this time instead of a paper made one from "taobao". OTL Anything from taobao is only worth wearing once (or twice if one really wants to push it). Hopefully, my next attempt at dressing up will be a little more decent. Thinking along the lines of High Priest, Ada Wong or Lina Inverse. Am currently leaning towards Lina Inverse now, but I'm sorta the opposite of how Lina looks like. She's Western (from the name), short and has small boobs (-_-). I won't say anything further than that. =A=

On another note, I'm excitedly waiting for the Sony Xperia Z1 mini to be launched in Singapore and in turn, locally. Ange promised to buy me one so that I don't have to worry about my phone (my sordid Samsung, although lovingly bought by my dad, is starting to make me want to throw it at a wall). God bless him. T^T Been racking my head on how to save up (even if I do save up to a certain amount, obviously I need to save up more than that to actually want to use that amount (._. ) ) and I reluctantly asked him. He said instead of the C that I asked for, he rather get me the Z1 mini so that I won't have to worry about my phone for two years. TAT I love him sho sho much! (so touched...)

May the new year of 2014 bless us with all the happiness, luck, prosperity, smiles, safety and fun that exists. :) Oh yes, can't forget love too. >D God bless us all~ <3

Comic Fiesta afterthought

Why am I avoiding everything that I need to face now? Aren't I the one who is supposed to be used to face matters head on even if it means getting me in a little trouble? *sigh* I'm not too sure why...

Comic Fiesta ended yesterday and part of me actually thought that I did well for a first time costume player. I remembered that one person actually asked me to take my picture without anyone's influence, and even asked for my name card. I was, and am, proud of myself because of that one person. So to her, I say thank you. Later, when my friend Mitchel took pictures of me, then only the rest wanted to. And even then I didn't know how to pose for them. Felt too awkward and felt that I couldn't maintain a smile more than 3 seconds. I didn't think all that mattered. And thus, I was happy. 

Then today, I opened the social site, and took a look at everything. Everybody's costumes were awesome. Their poses were practiced and excellent. But what made my heart have a pang is the person who dressed up as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Esmeralda was my original plan. And I guess it is silly of me, but I didn't think that anyone would dress up as her, considering that it is a character less known. Not too sure why, but it hurt me to know that someone dressed up as her. I know there's free will and all that. But I can't help what I feel. Because it is due to lack of budget that I chose to dress up as a normal gypsy, which probably caused nobody to recognise who the heck I was. And there's that someone, someone who dressed as Esmeralda, not as good as the ones I've seen online, but good enough nonetheless for a local costume player. 

Now, I'm playing Ragnarok Online to - in a way - escape from all those thoughts. People would tell me to distract myself so that I won't have to think about those depressing thoughts. Let me tell you something. Distracting usually never works. It only helps for that moment only. Solving the problem is the true cure to emotions being down. 

I thought of dressing up better next year...then it hit me. Didn't I say that it would be a one off thing? I didn't want to get myself into all the drama, into all the pressure. I felt immense pressure before going to Comic Fiesta yesterday. I was scared that nobody would know that I dressed up. I was scared that nobody would ask to take my picture (God bless that girl in the hall). I was scared of a lot things. Granted, I did try. And I guess to some people that's what that matters. But I guess I'm just bothered because I'm not even too sure if the people who wanted to take my picture after Mitchel did took it because they liked my costume or they just think that I'm a 'named' costume player when there is a photographer with a professional camera sitting there taking my picture with another person holding that reflector. 

I also want to thank Angeline...I believe that she wanted my picture because she knew me. God bless her. She made me feel confident, at least that little amount. =) Thank you.

Ange encouraged me to dress up as a High Priest next year. Or maybe the lady from Resident Evil, Ada Wong, due to her being able to fight in a cheongsam as he says. The split up the thigh is a little bit too high though. Maybe I can find a solution to that. =3 Custom make it is this time. =)

Annoying things about children

I seriously don't understand certain children sometimes. Yes folks...children, because as big as they are, they seem to have the common sense of a pea. Now let me tell you why...

I see so many of the new generation nowadays trying to 'wannabe's, be it of Western culture or Eastern culture. Hey I have nothing against wannabes, but at least get your concept right. I see people who want to absorb the Eastern culture, and then end up saying the word "bi**h" or "f**k". If you're reading this and you're guilty of the above nonsense, seriously, just stop. You want to copy a culture, go ahead. But don't go and mix up the culture and think that you're awesome just by "not giving a f*** about what other people think because life screw you too much". You're just being an arse. Just like everyone else that you like to criticise in your Facebook statuses. The Eastern culture that you happen to want to follow so much, doesn't even use a simple swear word ok? Quit mixing up the cultures then maybe you won't look half as stupid as you are now.

"I know I'm a bi**h but I don't care what other people think." - quoted

"Screw you I can post whatever I want on my Facebook". -quoted

"I'm so emo because life screws me over". - quoted

Eh aunty, you're only 14 - 15 please. What do you know about life screwing you over? Why? Because you couldn't get the comic books you wanted? Or is it your parents don't let you go out of the house so often? Ashlyn at home is your age but even she isn't as clueless as you are now.  

And yeah you can post whatever you want on a social site. People still have a right to say what they want to say. If people call you narrow minded for what you said, think about it and accept their answer lah. They probably have a reason for doing so anyway, you probably sound crap stupid to them. Did you ever think of that? Vice versa I'll have to admit. But you're the one who sounds childish here. Kind people text you personally to scold if they don't want to embarrass you. Then that other aunty (all of the same age, sorta shows you what sort of 'new generation' we have nowadays, God save our country) come and be high and mighty about people not have the guts to put it in public. Eh mak cik, people trying to help you save face you want them to scold in public ah? I think if it's me I okay punya. At most you will be the one embarrassed only mah. Anybody who come argue with me without common sense memang die gao gao. 

And thirdly, if you know you are a b***h, then change la mak oi! Very nice being mean and ignorant issit? Very nice being stupid issit? Very nice being called a b***h issit? This is called looking for trouble, then later go blame other people when they start scolding you for giving a bad impression. 

Very stupid...very very very stupid.

As they say in the local slang: macam bodoh jer, macam bodoh jer...

An odd lament

Ever looked at an ex of your beau's and stop and wonder: "Gee...their names actually clicked as a pair in my head once before"? Yeah...you're not the only one. It's not jealousy, not really. It's just that I knew Ange before we got together. Knew him for around less than a year if I'm not mistaken. He was still with her then, although probably already estranged, just that I wasn't in the loop to know it. But in my head, their names clicked together once back then.

I was one of the people who gets curious about certain people, and when I do I actually go to their Facebook and stalk their pictures *laughs*. Well, it was interesting to say the least, when I first got to know Ange. I added him on Facebook (very highly unlikely that it was he who added me first, but there is still that possibility =x) and we somehow just started chatting. I saved a copy of our conversations from when I just got to know him until the few days after we got together. One heck of a long conversation if you ask me. But all the more worth it to read back. 

I'm the type that loves to read a backlog, to see everything again, to relive the romantic memories. I go back to those conversations and think with a cunning thought that the me back then didn't even know that this was going to happen, and the me now knows it. It's a silly thing to think about, I know. But it does give me a sense of satisfaction when I know that the me now knows something the me back then didn't, and it was something crucial.

Ange and I were...to say the least...very good friends back then. He was the person I ranted to about everything in my life, to be honest, I think he was the only one who would listen so patiently. =x As a person who can't really stop talking to certain people, he was a Godsend. So long he had the time, he would oblige to talk to me on an endless time period. And I really appreciate the friendship. It just didn't occur to me that it would get to this point with Ange. Funny how things can work out. =)

My dad constantly chides me about my past decisions, one of them being the decision to study locally when I could have studied abroad. Of all the things I may have regretted, I do not regret staying here. It is by staying here that I have got to meet Ange, and to be with him now, and I thank God for that.

Anyway, back to the original topic (I do get off track a lot when I'm a roll =x). What I was going to say...the girl and Ange's name used to click together once in my head. I used to get a little jealous looking at her name appearing together with his, I wasn't too sure why, oddly saying. Maybe God was trying to send me a message then. It just bothered me a little to see her name there. But as I've said, I didn't know why. I didn't even acknowledge that feeling and just brushed it off and wished the man well. 

I don't know why am I even breaching the subject here. But it just occurred to me as odd, because when I see her name anywhere near his now, I feel a stronger (stronger, but not strong) jealousy there. And now I acknowledge it, as if it's something familiar. No matter what, she once was what he fancied, I can't be all too comfortable with that right? But then again, I know have nothing to worry about. I trust him with my heart. It's just sometimes, the heart gives me a kick in the wrong direction that I know I should not follow, but am still thrust upon the doorway of that path anyway, tempting, albeit it being a very weak temptation indeed. Unreasonable jealousy was never a strong temptation in the first place right?

Looking at what they said again...yeah, the pang is still there. It's just something natural, I think (?). It's not easy seeing your beau and an ex being so friendly (but then again it's not too hard either considering the circumstances). Technically I am on speaking terms with my exes. But most of them I rather not go near at all, knowing that it would open one hell of a can of worms that no one wants to face. Let bygones be bygones and pretend I don't know them 'cept by name. It's easier to live life that way isn't it? Let my new life take over and forget the past, if only to forget the bad memories. 

Yeah it's probably the fact that I have nothing to do (technically speaking, I do have assignments on my tail, just that RO distracted me =x) that I am typing all of this now. But then again, I welcome these moments, regardless of the topics. I rarely get the motivation to write, let alone write so long a piece, gibberish put aside of course. Well, it's late. It's off to bed then. Ange's at the movies with Keats now (sounds like the poet, doesn't he? =3 Keats I mean...) and I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow. =w=

Have a goodnight folks. And a Happy New Year~ (muehehehehe...)

Christmas month

Heh...the first post for December. A hectic month for sure for most university students, as most of us have finals coming soon, thus the assignment deadlines are looming near. I have deadlines too. But alas, my brain doesn't register the intensity of the stress when my body does feel it. My heart feels like it's a little chokey now, but my brain really can't seem to see any urgency or the high level of the assignments. Is it just me? Because all of a sudden I'm finding myself trying to get out of every single class / assignment with just the minimum requirements. This makes me doubt my ability if I really want to get to Masters. Probably that line isn't for someone like me. But I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the future.

Ah well...take what comes I suppose. God bless me.

So...CF is coming before Christmas this December. I already have my costume done and ready, just hoping that everything will go as planned. Don't you hate it when plans just get messed up at the last minute? The amount of effort you have to give just to make things similar to what you want or to make things to a level where it's tolerable for you. Heh...I'm having coscards made though. It will be a first time that I'm having any sort of card made for myself. ~(_^_)~ But I'm wondering if anybody will be ask for my coscard, seeing as my costume won't really be a normal cosplay costume, more to Halloween side of things. Renaissance wench / Western European gypsy. A generic costume. One thing about being generic though, is that I can change my costume to suit my tastes, anything I want I can put on: hats, scarves, make up, jingles even. 

Listening to Christmas songs now. But it doesn't feel much of a Christmassy feel. Probably because I can't decorate my room (nobody except my roommate will see it anyway) and I can't play the music without the headphones (roommate is already in bed - so early =A=) because I can't disturb people with my crazy Christmassy mood. Perhaps when it's nearing (a few days before?) the day itself I'll start wearing a Santa hat, just to liven up the mood. Let people stare if they want to. Spreading the Christmas spirit is sorta more important. xD

Bonded to pressure

Every single time I try to write, writer's block comes at me like an anvil in Looney Tunes. BAM!! it goes onto my head. It makes me discouraged to write all of a sudden. And who knows discouraged from what else.

I have been skipping a lot of classes lately, ever since they told me there wouldn't be any barring in school. I skipped where I thought it wasn't important. Like today's French class, I was tired. And my friend Nurul skipped too this morning, she told me. So in a way, I found an excuse for myself to escape too. Smartest friend skipping so it means I can too, that sort of nonsense. Yes...I know it's nonsense. And yet I can't find it in myself to stop it. 

Ange's right. Most of the people in our country isn't ready or disciplined enough to handle a no barring scheme in school. Theory wise, it is up to us to decide whether we can handle not going to class. It is all up to us to decide whether we want to go to school to learn. I am here to learn. That's true. But sometimes it just feels too tiring. And here I'll tell you why.

I am a person who flourish better when around the people I love. If, let's say, I am staying with Ange, living together with him peacefully, I wouldn't mind staying in class. I know, my mind works in funny ways. And yes, I'm probably not disciplined enough either. It's just that, the thought of having to go back to my rented room, if rest is the only thing that is waiting for me, I rather go back earlier. Knowing that I will be able to see Ange regardless of what time my class ends, then I wouldn't mind staying for class.

Now now...I know it's a little twisted. But I really can't help it. I will always enjoy my day so long I know I am going back to Ange, or am going back home to mama and papa, but in this case (please don't say bad things OAQ) I think going back to Ange's holds more of a motivational thing than home. With home I rather go back faster, because it's home.

Why is it that I think that way? I'm not sure really. I just know that I want to be able to live with him, for me to be able to enjoy my day being away from him. This is because no matter what, I know I will always go home to him after everything is done for the day. Mama would probably have my head if she knows this...

And yet, for now I cannot live with him constantly. Not because I'm unable to at the moment. But because there is an external pressure that is coming at me, something that makes me want to stay away from that place altogether, but find myself unable to because that is where I need to be if I want to be with Ange. His mother.

His mother has been giving me hints that I shouldn't be staying with him at all, or the fact that she doesn't like me staying with him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that I'm not thinking too much. I'm only staying with him over the weekends when I'm still around here. But lately, I've been getting the odd feeling that she's trying to hint at me to just not go back there so often, or at all. And it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to ask him to live somewhere else, if it isn't for the fact that he may not be able to support that much yet. 

I want to be with him at a place where I can be myself. I don't want to have to freeze up my body involuntarily whenever I hear the mother's footsteps near his room, wondering if she's going to come in and want to talk to me about asking me not to go there so often anymore. I get scared every single time. And I'm not sure it was even important enough to tell Ange about it. I think by the time he comes home after every teaching session, I would have forgotten that I was ever afraid. 

What do you think I should do? I can't do without being with Ange. I look forward to be able to see him in the morning when I wake up, and say goodnight to him in person when I sleep at night. It's something that I've drilled into my head that I must have every weekend I'm here, it's my way of escaping and relaxing every single weekend. Granted, staying here in my rented room, there is no pressure. There is only silence (with the occasional roommate talking) and relaxation, because there is no pressure for me to be here. But there is loneliness. 

Without being with Ange, or being somewhere that has to do with Ange when I know I can be, I feel a little lost, not to mention bored. Seeing him, being with him, just being there, is just like an ability to breathe, it comes naturally. When he isn't around, and it's during the weekdays, my heart feels somewhat constricted. As if my body has already recognised the time with him as relaxation time therefore during the weekdays I'm not allowed to relax at all. But problem comes when the weekend plans gets messed up all of a sudden. I've been through that once a few weeks ago, I practically broke down. Thankfully, Ange (bless him) saved me from having to go through the weekend looking like the undead (from bouts of crying).

I need Ange and my family with me at times when I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, my solutions are not what you call 'family-friendly' at the moment. And whenever I go to Ange's, I feel so friggin' pressured that I'm trying hard to life the pressure by trying to be chummy with his mother, but to no avail sometimes I feel. I've only known mothers who wants to show me solidarity (albeit against their sons sometimes in mischeif~ hehehe) and also friendship. So I really am at my wit's end about how to deal with his mother. And worse, how to deal with her when me and Ange actually finally decide to get married.

I feel like I really need him by my side right now, to ease this rope I seem to have on my spine. I seem to physically feel my stress and I know it's not a good thing (and people wonder why I eat so much, ever heard of stress eating?) but I don't know how to dispel away the bonds. I can ask him to come pick me up for a while. But somehow I feel so long it's late and I won't be going to his place anyway, there is no point, the bonds will just come back after he leaves me in the room again, until the weekend. I really want to live together with him. But what can I do unless he lives somewhere else? O~Q

Marriage thoughts?

What is your opinion about the big 'M' word? 

That's right. In this post, I'm going to post about my thoughts on marriage and the things that comes with it. Right now, it's all I can do not to call my mum right now and tell her that I want to get engaged to Ange as soon as time allows me to get married. But I am afraid of being further from my family than I am already are. 

I know what comes with marriage. Financial independence (and I don't mean that as a good thing), emotional dependence, living together, and all sorts of things. We have to make a lot of compromises and stuffs like that. The way I put it may not make me seem very mature. But I can assure you, I know very well what a marriage entails. It also comes with being separated from my family, and as much as I want marriage, I'm very very scared of that happening to me.

My posts these few days won't make sense. So I ask you to pardon me. It will be stopping half way here and there due to my lack of perseverance in writing something long winded. 

Angry bursts...

Have you ever just felt like people look down upon you when you try to join in something that they're in? Have you ever felt like you just don't belong somehow, and there is no point trying to justify that you do belong? Have you ever felt like you want to have something superior, just so they take what they're thinking of and shove it up their tight arses? Call it pride, ego or whatever you choose to put it as. But regardless, it sucks when people are just being jackasses, whether they have a mental condition or not is not a consideration. Enough excuses are being made for this person and to be honest, I've had it.

For one moment just now, I wished that I could have telekinesis, or the ability to orb things. Seriously it would do me a lot of good. For one thing, so long I keep it a secret, I can mess things up for people in a way they won't know how. Things upturned, objects thrown around. And I can imagine it will be a very good pressure reliever, one closing of the fist and the stuff in that person's room gets destroyed, messed up and thrown about, ahhh...the satisfaction.

Pity all this can only be in my head. If only magic exists. It'll rub that stupid stare of that kid's face before the magician can say 'alakazam'. 

I'm just that way...

University has started once again and I find myself having issues with letting go / getting off the car after a date with Ange. I found my heart tugging whenever I know I have to leave him for a while. And to be honest, it's more painful than I've ever felt. 

After 5 days of being used to seeing him every morning when I wake up and before I sleep at night, I have developed a strong fondness of having him around me. I talked to him, cried to him...I pretty much spent my 5 days 100% with him or waiting for him. I really felt at home. I miss home, so being able to find a second home for my heart is a thing that I appreciate very much. I was sick for the past 5 days, still am. *coughs*. Ange has been the one taking care of me, watching over me, concerning over me. It was the most continuous love I have felt from him to date. 5 days in a row, 5 days of asking me 'are you okay?'s, 5 days of love, 5 days of care (although I know the care continues, but 5 continuous days is something that I take pride in having), 5 continuous days of caresses and hugs and kisses and pats when I get violent coughs. It's one of the best things among the many that has happened to me in my life. 5 days of continuous love felt, and it has made me craving for more of it. Addiction is a deadly thing, regardless of what we have, but what about addiction to love???

Craving for more love when we're not married is like a double edged sword. In a sense, love is supposed to increase. The fact that I want more continuous loving days like that is a sign that my love for him is deepening, which is a good thing in its own right. But on the other hand, it also means that the tugging I feel in my heart whenever he drops me off at the room I stay for heading to classes gets stronger and stronger and more painful every single time, it makes it harder to pull away from his embrace, his warm hugs and kisses, just because it is not obligated for me to live with him, not yet.  

When I saw that he was tired (and not to mention that old geezer who chased us off the front of his gate - I stay right beside you bozo!), I told myself I have to suck it up and just accept that I have to wait to see him again. I did manage to pull away, but dammit, you can't imagine the pain I felt. I'm not trying to be dramatic here. I am describing what I'm exactly feeling at that moment of time. I wanted to cry. It's not the literal pain of stabbing myself in the heart, but I can say it's the figurative pain of that sentence. I felt the same, if not stronger pain on the day before I had to leave home. But I supposed when love of the gender comes into play, the feelings tend to seem a lot more stronger, because our heart isn't used to it from young. 

Immediately I turned depressed. Dammit I could feel the depression trickling slowly over my heart. It got to the point of me telling myself "let the depression begin", in one hell of a sarcastic tone, and I am not crapping you. I want to connected to him, to his love and care for me, constantly. I wanted to know, if I'm going away for the day, at least when I come back home he will be there. He says just pretend that it's an extended time. It's not possible, not for me at least. 

He's probably not going to feel anything. Patience, perhaps, plays a role in this. I am not patient. But then again, it is more to the thought of knowing that I have to be away from him for long moments of time that is killing me right now. I'm sitting here thinking that I already have to leave home, a place where love is always felt. Now I can't even be in a place where I can feel the same, if not a similar thing from the person I that love. Breaking down doesn't even cut it to describe what am I feeling now. And I don't even know what can I say to him. 

With Ange being a touch person, being physically there is about the only way that I can personally feel it. Call me a person who can't be independent if you like, to be honest, I don't care. Anyone would appreciate being able to feel love all the time. I'm not the type to take it for granted even after a long time I can assure you. Extended periods only makes my feelings stronger. So what's wrong with wanting to be with my loved ones? Nothing. Screw the book, now this is the real chicken soup for the soul: feeling loved. 

Down to Earth instead of floating in the clouds

Hello again. 

Today, I've tried really hard to go into new groups of people, to make new friends. Of course, having a second identity worked a little better for me knowing that even if I screw up, people won't know who I am. Even if I screw that up (God forbid that from happening - Amen.), I just have to create another persona and just start again. Thing about having more than one identity is that people don't know who is the real you, due to the fact that in that particular world, you rarely meet the person within. 

But then I realised something. I was trying a little too hard to blend in, when in the first place, what I wanted wasn't to just blend in. I was thinking to myself that seeing as my own worlds don't really accept who I am, might as well try being a part of another world. In a way, it is a good idea. It's a new source of friends for me. And it gives me something to do when Ange goes to one of these things for performances. I get to make a bunch of friends (virtual or no) without having to worry about whether they'll be okay with the real me, seeing as I probably won't be showing them the real me within, figuratively speaking or no. 

However, what Callum had said to me a few months ago struct my memory. Be in a different world from the person you are with. It makes it easier to come up with things to talk about (ironically, being in the same world means you go through the same things, which in turn means less things to tell each other about), and just in case of anything, perhaps if the beau is busy, you would have another world for you to be busy in. To me, having another world meant that I could be independent when I wanted to. When you and your beau belong in two different worlds, or perhaps more, it means when you are known in your own world, you are holding your own, without help of the beau.

I don't want to think that I'm trying to get into this new world just to be closer to him. I don't need to do that for it to happen. When I decided to go into the world, I wanted to do it without the beau's help, so that people won't look at me and go 'oh isn't that who who who's girlfriend who started this and that because her boyfriend helped out?'. Probably this is all just my thinking too much, people probably don't think that way anyway, let alone thinking that it's a bad thing. But I think it's just the independent streak in me. If I want to be known, I want to be known as myself (technically), not as someone else's someone. 

I stopped myself from 'blending in' so much when I realised something. I wanted to retain the real me, instead of trying so hard to maintain another identity in another world. In that world, I am this person. But in this world, I am Kaitlyn Emily Summers. The sense of Western and Eastern gives me a sense of difference in my heart. Here, I am English. There...well...who knows who am I. Even I'm not so sure of that yet. It's only my first day trying after all. I have a lot of identities in my head. Perhaps after this, I'll be spending a lot of time telling myself that being Kaitlyn in this world keeps me grounded instead of being another person in that world. 

Knowing that I have taken that first step today, that has made me proud. I was afraid of many things, of people's negativity especially. I was still going against every suggestion that my friend Cherry B and also Ange has given me, just because I was insecure of myself stepping into a new world. Today, I stepped. I may have tried a little harder than usual, but I'm proud of myself that I was willing to take that first step. Now, with a toe into the other world and the rest of me being Kaitlyn here, I think I can be pretty happy. I'm happier being Kaitlyn, I always have been. I guess all I wanted to know is that I have the option of being someone else should I need to be for a while.