Marriage... or just plain lack of practicality???

Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap. 

Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name (in a way), to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=

At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together (meaning we're not married), I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently (although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage). So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick. 

With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that. 

I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' (one side in particular) opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most. 

I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly. 

*nose wrinkle*

This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical (more like dreamier) one. 

Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?

Cracking bottle...I need more just than a piece of plaster

I can feel myself cracking at the sides, needing someone to tape the cracks up for me. I am back now to KL and I can feel the homesickness grow. I was depressed for the past day, though probably distractions has (thankfully) kept my tears at bay. I've been depressed for the past 24 hours, although I'm not really sure why was I like that. I just knew that every little thing would trigger myself to feel a little bit sadder / number than I was the previous second. 

The distractions that Noir gave me allowed me to be sane for that few 24 hours. But now as I get hungry in the middle of the night, one piece of Mandarin orange is enough to get me thinking of home, and there starts where my resolve to keep it in for now crumble. Tears are leaking out as the cracks on the bottle that holds everything start to increase one by one. It's taking all my willpower to keep myself from breaking in front of my roommate, which is not what I need right now. 

It's only Monday and here I am wishing that I was able to break everything down last night. After meeting Noir again after a month, I feel the warmth that he gives me increase, asking me how I am and wanting to assure me that he's always there. I wanted to let go of everything right then. But somehow I didn't want to talk about it too much in detail yet as I didn't want the first night of meeting him after a month to result in a bout of crying and nothing else. And yet, after feeling a few days of homesickness even from home, and a variety of pressure landing on me and keeping everything in, I can feel my resolve breaking bit by bit as the cracks on the bottle increase ten fold. 

Deep breaths are the only thing keeping my tears at bay at the moment, though not that effectively at bay. Perhaps because it leaked a bit, so keeping the rest in seems easier. It will increase again over time, I'm sure of it. But all I can do now is to hope that I can last till Thursday, because crying alone and in front of anyone else doesn't seem to help, only to duplicate a bottle and to empty one, not two, because I know only by telling Noir that I can feel at least a generous amount of relief. Telling my parents would be the best idea, but I have a feeling that telling them would release a lot more than just a bottle's worth. 

Worries of the future

I'm think I'm at a point in my life where I sit here and be confused and stressed about how the whole world around me has become. I used to be a child, with the biggest worry to be what homework I have tomorrow. And now, I am here, a grown-up in a blink of an eye, wondering where has the years gone and worrying about much bigger and complicated things that I sorely don't want to think about.

I know that we have to grow up as humans, but why isn't there an option for us to be a child again, even if it is for a few hours every week, a contraption perhaps that allows us to relive our childhood, our sweetest memories, at a moment when we pop to bed for a nap. 

I'm scared of the future, not knowing what holds and not knowing what's going to happen in the next ten years. I want to be married to Ange by a natural path, no forcing, no prompting, no external triggers. I want to live in a comfortable house with the mortgage payments stably being paid off with a very comfortable salary of mine, I want to be able to send my parents monthly expenses - the same way they always do for me now when I'm studying, whether they need it or not is another matter. I want so many things to happen and I really am scared of the ambiguity of it. 

They say knowing your future is changing it, because it has both good and bad, depending on what choices we make. I've always said it was best not to know our future, because from what I can predict, who knows what we find out isn't what we want to see (God forbid). I want my parents to live forever, as long as possible, to be happy and smiling and healthy. I want my relationship with Ange to be the strongest ever beside my bond with my family, ignoring everybody else's "good-natured" advice saying that there are certain things that wouldn't last. Well, news to those who are pessimistic and continue to stay so, the only thing that doesn't last is the chocolate that I just popped into my mouth. I am confident that every love I have will last, even to the end, it will last. 

I'm not too sure what does this post do for me. I supposed I'm just spouting out what's random in my mind. It's just nice to have both a directed diary and a non-directed one. I can always choose who to aim my words at. And I can always choose where and how to write. This time has been one of those occasional inspirations that comes into my head, one of those inspirations that allowing my fingers to fly off the keyboard of my laptop right now. And seeing as it is here anyway, I might as well honour it by expressing whatever my inspiration wants me to express. 

I guess all this worrying has got to me a little bit somehow. Ange's off to watch a movie (again!) and I'm pretty much just...thinking (?). Now that the main part of the Chinese New Year holiday is over, I'm sitting here facing a little bit of what I need to face in the future. This holiday is supposed to be my one holiday without pressure, at least the previous bit was. Passing the half mark of the holiday just makes me nervous, and knowing that my exam results is coming out isn't helping the stress either. I just want a few more weeks without having to think about anything. I just want to enjoy my studying life without people breathing down my neck wondering what am I planning for next.

Perhaps a part of Ange has influenced me a bit, or maybe it was always there, it just needed a supporter or a trigger. He doesn't like to plan for things, and I usually do. I like to be able to do something about it, to chase away my worries. But there are times where I won't be able to do anything but my best (which usually means what I want to do, sadly speaking, it's almost nothing nowadays) and I have to learn to stop planning for things like that. I want to be able to enjoy my time (so-called free time of studying) as it is without worries of the future. I want to leave those worries to exactly that, the future. 

Maybe God can grant me grace, because Lord knows I need my prayers answered. I don't want to sound like I'm rushing or anything. But I guess when it comes to pressure, I'm just not the type who can deal with pressure very well. The certain type of pressure, like a deadline, possibly yes. But the type of pressure that comes from people, those I don't think I can deal with that easily. I'm just not made for people pressure. I am already scared left right center of whether I'm good enough for people (yes I have confidence issues), I don't need more people pressuring me to live up to their expectations. 

I love to analyse people. I love to analyse situations. Perhaps that is why I analyse myself quite a lot. I wouldn't mind listening to a professional's opinion about myself and my background, it would be nice to know why am I like this and that. Maybe I really should take up my friend's suggestion and just head to that professional counsellor she sees.