Worries of the future

I'm think I'm at a point in my life where I sit here and be confused and stressed about how the whole world around me has become. I used to be a child, with the biggest worry to be what homework I have tomorrow. And now, I am here, a grown-up in a blink of an eye, wondering where has the years gone and worrying about much bigger and complicated things that I sorely don't want to think about.

I know that we have to grow up as humans, but why isn't there an option for us to be a child again, even if it is for a few hours every week, a contraption perhaps that allows us to relive our childhood, our sweetest memories, at a moment when we pop to bed for a nap. 

I'm scared of the future, not knowing what holds and not knowing what's going to happen in the next ten years. I want to be married to Ange by a natural path, no forcing, no prompting, no external triggers. I want to live in a comfortable house with the mortgage payments stably being paid off with a very comfortable salary of mine, I want to be able to send my parents monthly expenses - the same way they always do for me now when I'm studying, whether they need it or not is another matter. I want so many things to happen and I really am scared of the ambiguity of it. 

They say knowing your future is changing it, because it has both good and bad, depending on what choices we make. I've always said it was best not to know our future, because from what I can predict, who knows what we find out isn't what we want to see (God forbid). I want my parents to live forever, as long as possible, to be happy and smiling and healthy. I want my relationship with Ange to be the strongest ever beside my bond with my family, ignoring everybody else's "good-natured" advice saying that there are certain things that wouldn't last. Well, news to those who are pessimistic and continue to stay so, the only thing that doesn't last is the chocolate that I just popped into my mouth. I am confident that every love I have will last, even to the end, it will last. 

I'm not too sure what does this post do for me. I supposed I'm just spouting out what's random in my mind. It's just nice to have both a directed diary and a non-directed one. I can always choose who to aim my words at. And I can always choose where and how to write. This time has been one of those occasional inspirations that comes into my head, one of those inspirations that allowing my fingers to fly off the keyboard of my laptop right now. And seeing as it is here anyway, I might as well honour it by expressing whatever my inspiration wants me to express. 

I guess all this worrying has got to me a little bit somehow. Ange's off to watch a movie (again!) and I'm pretty much just...thinking (?). Now that the main part of the Chinese New Year holiday is over, I'm sitting here facing a little bit of what I need to face in the future. This holiday is supposed to be my one holiday without pressure, at least the previous bit was. Passing the half mark of the holiday just makes me nervous, and knowing that my exam results is coming out isn't helping the stress either. I just want a few more weeks without having to think about anything. I just want to enjoy my studying life without people breathing down my neck wondering what am I planning for next.

Perhaps a part of Ange has influenced me a bit, or maybe it was always there, it just needed a supporter or a trigger. He doesn't like to plan for things, and I usually do. I like to be able to do something about it, to chase away my worries. But there are times where I won't be able to do anything but my best (which usually means what I want to do, sadly speaking, it's almost nothing nowadays) and I have to learn to stop planning for things like that. I want to be able to enjoy my time (so-called free time of studying) as it is without worries of the future. I want to leave those worries to exactly that, the future. 

Maybe God can grant me grace, because Lord knows I need my prayers answered. I don't want to sound like I'm rushing or anything. But I guess when it comes to pressure, I'm just not the type who can deal with pressure very well. The certain type of pressure, like a deadline, possibly yes. But the type of pressure that comes from people, those I don't think I can deal with that easily. I'm just not made for people pressure. I am already scared left right center of whether I'm good enough for people (yes I have confidence issues), I don't need more people pressuring me to live up to their expectations. 

I love to analyse people. I love to analyse situations. Perhaps that is why I analyse myself quite a lot. I wouldn't mind listening to a professional's opinion about myself and my background, it would be nice to know why am I like this and that. Maybe I really should take up my friend's suggestion and just head to that professional counsellor she sees.