True friendship and what comes with it

Today, I'm going to talk about friendships. It occurred to me that sometimes, people don't know what it takes to be a true friend. I've seen people with friends left, right and center. Every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to be their friend. It makes me doubt whether that person is trying to make friends, or just trying to increase their popularity. Granted, there are people like Gabriella Montez in High School Musical that just make everybody like them, without trying. But in this time of day, I find that when I see people who has more than two thousand friends on Facebook (and increasing each day), I'm not sure that I can believe those people are even people that they know. 

There's a thousand on my own page but I am trying to cut out the ones that I don't even know. I used to want to have a lot of friends on my social sites. We were using Friendster back then. In Friendster, there was this thing that we call 'featured friends'. I would add those people who were 'popular' (so to speak) and 'famous'. And if we were close enough, I would eagerly put them as my featured friend. Now, about half a decade later from then, I find that it is very over-rated to show people how many friends you have on Facebook when half of them is just for show. Thus, I am making a point to un-friend anybody that I do not even know (even if it's just knowing that they exist in my hometown) when their birthday notifications pop up. Everybody has a birthday, so I expect that I'll narrow down the list after 365 days. *chuckle*

I want to talk about true friendships. Friendships where both sides contribute to the relationship. A close friend of mine has offered me this analogy of friendships, or any relationships to for that matter. He dubs it the 'push and pull' theory. Imagine an empty room, with just a door. That room is the space for our relationships, be it friendships, kinship or romantic relationships. Imagine two people in the room, two friends, two lovers, two siblings, you pick. Now imagine their aura emitting around them, filling the room equally, or as equally as you can. If I have to draw out an image, it would be something like this:

The two circles are the two people. The pink is one person's aura, and the blue, the other person's aura.

In a normal push and pull relationship, one person would push and the other would pull (their auras in or out), making sure that the room (the relationship) is always filled. However, let's say when the Pink pushes too much, the Blue will find that he needs to contribute less to the relationship. And when Pink has pushed too long then decided to pull back to see what Blue would do, it would be a while for Blue to feel the emptiness to push back. Worse comes to worse, Blue would find the need to go out the door, as in get out from the relationship. 

It's a fairly simple analogy, and I credit my friend Zeke for giving me this information. It has been a bundle of usefulness in my life, trying to use it to explain to people who would not care nuts about a certain relationship, friendship or kinship. I use the theory to comfort myself too, whenever I find myself pushing too much, then pulling back only to realize that the other person doesn't push back immediately at all.

The 'Push and Pull' theory is what we usually call the give and take. Push means putting in effort. Pull means allowing the other person to make the effort for you to maintain that relationship.

I've been in friendships that required me to do most of the pushing, only because I'm the more enthusiastic one. But to know that the other person isn't pushing back at all when you try to pull, you find that your efforts were a little redundant. 

Miss Wilhelmina was that particular person in my life. Mina came from a distant land to my university to study. During the first semester, she was alone. Everybody didn't know anyone, so obviously some of us get a little distant in fear of stepping into a new world. Then came the second semester. I befriended Mina and we became best friends in due time. I talked to her, I accompanied her, I sat with her, I taught her languages that she wanted to learn. This friendship continued into the third semester. Any drama I had in my life, I told her about it, and thankfully, she was (is) open-minded enough to give opinion and support me in whatever I decide to do. 

I took in to heart to go out of my way to take care of her. Coming from another land, I was pretty sure that she missed her home. And so I made it a point to ask her out, bring her go shopping, for a drink and so on. I would even go to her hostel to do assignments together while gossiping the day through. Granted, it was fun while it lasted. Fourth semester hit and I found another friend through her, Kate. Kate's different from Mina. If I were the vivacious, active and loud person, Mina would be the balanced one (loud when she has fun but quiet in other places), and Kate would be the totally introverted one. Kate and Mina were close from the start, so I welcomed her into the group. Alas, little did I know, Kate would be the one who'd end up being my close friend, instead of the latter.

After a while I noticed changes in Mina. To set a day for the three of us to have a girls day out is like making an appointment with the President of the United States. Actually, I think the latter would have been easier, because Mina kept bailing on me. The last straw came when she bailed on me at the last minute for the third time. I ignored her, and brought Kate out for a fun time with Ange's help. Kate understood what I went through as Mina made her go through what I did a few times already. She was too chicken to walk out the door (reference to the push and pull theory), so she advised me to do so before I got hurt further. I understood, Mina had other friends now with me helping her to fit in, so she wanted to forget me. I got the message and backed off.

I take friendships seriously. I take care of the friends whom I see as true friends. I don't forsake them, I treat them fairly, and I make sure that even when I have a boyfriend I will never abandon them when they need me. I don't understand why others can't see that when they just cut off their friends just to please their other half, what they're doing is unfair. I've had best friends who cut me off because their girlfriends got jealous of me, though I had no intent to make my mark (or any mark for that matter on their boyfriends). I have a boyfriend myself, might I remind them again.

True friends won't cut you out of their life without an explanation. If you need to stay away from any of your friends for a while because of a boyfriend or girlfriend (especially a girlfriend since girls are rather touchier), make sure you at least explain yourself. It's not fair to treat any of your friends unfairly by just cutting them out for no reason. It will just show that you are too immature and without a back bone to at least have the guts to explain. In Mandarin, people like to say that 一定要给他人一个好好的交待, I find that very commendable. 

Credits to Google Images 

At least one of the past best friends who did try this on me came back to me to make it up. But his girlfriend Elene still isn't that decent. She still wants to be possessive in front of me, to show me that he is hers. So I'm here to tell you this, lady. Your boyfriend is yours to keep, but what you are doing is just showing that you're not confident enough in yourself to keep him around. I would never try to take any of my friends away from their other half. But I don't expect the other half to take my best friends away from me. I'll be fair to you, I won't even try to slander you to him although I know that is what you did before in an attempt to tarnish my good relations with him. You do what you see fit, but don't expect me to see highly of you when that happens. God bless you when you've realized what you yourself have done. Amen.

A heart's inspiration: While you're away... *laughs*

This is one of the times where I actually feel more philosophical, thus the reason I'm writing now. 3 days ago, it was (is) me and Ange's 5th month together. When I'm together with him, I never really think about the fact that he is my boyfriend. In my mind, I actually refer to him as 'the person that I spend as much time as I can with'. The sentence 'he is my boyfriend' never really comes into mind. And I find that really interesting. Because just the thought of that sentence makes my heart skip a beat, excited. But it will only last for one second until I think of the sentence again. 

I'm guessing that fact sentences like that excites me, though it doesn't really appear much in my mind naturally. Growing up, I never really think of getting boyfriends, or even having one. To be honest, the idea of a 'boyfriend' didn't even exist in my dictionary. To me at that time, me having a crush on a boy would just mean that I really really want to spend time with him. Back then, I was only 11. So the only way that I wanted to spend time with the boy I had a crush on was to play with him, like kids. We chased each other whenever he teased me about something. We would exchange sentences that we thought were insults. And because of this family hierarchy thing we had in our class back then, I was his wife where he was the third son of the 'mother' of the class. I still find those experiences really fun to think about.

It's probably why whenever I see Ange, all I think about is that I want to spend time with him. The word 'boyfriend' doesn't really come into mind until someone actually asks me who he is to me. Interesting, isn't it? Funny thing is, the sentence of 'wanting to spend time with him' itself doesn't appear. My heart feels it, very strongly too. I'm not really sure why is this interesting to me. *laughs* But I find it relaxing to just write it out.

Now, we're both going through this distance period where we (technically) have to stay apart for 2 months. It's probably going to be the last 2 months holiday that I'm going have in a long while. So to be honest, I am appreciating this holiday a lot. I love being at home, being able to relax (albeit remarks from my parents once in a while to exercise or do the chores). Being able to sleep in my own comfortable bed in an air-conditioned room is a luxury to me too. The room I have at university is just too warm to even feel comfortable. Not to mention the bloody stink bugs that come once in a while to annoy and scare the heck outta me. 

I can say that I'm starting to get used to being away. I probably still can't last too long a period, but compared with the first week (and second), I think I'm doing better at taking the distance in stride. I envy Ange sometimes. He's able to switch off the part where a person is supposed to yearn for the presence almost immediately. But however I envy that trait, I think I still prefer to miss him this way if I have to go through distances, instead of turning off that part of me. This is because I want to know myself that I still love him. As crude as that had sound, I think the moment where I am able to 'turn off' the part of me that misses him, it might be the moment (God forbid) that I stop loving him. And I truly don't want that to happen.

Credits to Google Images.

Oddly enough, it is when he is busy watching a movie that I am able to have time to type out this entry *chuckle*. Once in a while, writing about things does the soul much good. Pity I don't have much patience with handwritten work, especially since my hand does get tired after a while. 

Thought of mentioning how men being partial can risk them losing their female friends. But as my writer's block has arrived in my brain, perhaps another time. =)

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

I think I need a therapist...

I've lived my whole life basing it on the thoughts of 'not troubling other people'. Being empathic, I pretty much have to live my life that way to be able to live with myself. I am such a sucker for guilt trips that I pretty much make myself end up the one who endures all the setbacks so that everybody else can live easy. It comes with being too self-conscious for my own good. But it's something that I can't help. I grew up this way. *scoff* I guess I should thank my mother for teaching me to be this way, seeing as she is this way herself. 

They say it is a blessing to be able to think both ways, or as many ways as there is possible. People like me are able to debate critically, hitting at every single possibility that the other person might give. People like me are also able to understand very well, if not empathize, what the other person is feeling, thinking and dreaming. This makes me able to give good advice to others, knowing when they need advice and when they need comfort.

Well, it is a blessing, in a way. But a curse as well. Because I'm empathic, I find myself understanding other people a little too much, and in turn wanting to give in to them just because I know where they came from. I forget that sometimes, being human means putting my foot down, especially when it's something that is important to me. Problem is, usually if I go with what I want, the guilt that comes after that seeing everyone's sad faces is something that I myself am not even sure that I can take. As I've mentioned, I'm a sucker for guilt trips. It's bad enough that I put this on myself. It's worse when other people try to put guilt on me. 

Sometimes I feel that nobody's going to be able to understand what exactly the hell am I going through. I've only had one acquaintance where he is empathic too. Alas, being a man (more like a boy who's just trying to show people how superior he is), he cannot exactly fathom what emotions go through the female heart, let alone one that is added with a strong sense of empathy. He tells me to just let go of my sense of humanity, and just assume that I am special and different. People are going to just keep wanting me to understand them, and he says I've got to accept that and just let go. 

After listening to what you have got to say to me, I've got this to say. I'm sorry, but I cannot let go of the hope that humanity can still be understanding. Probably because I understand where humanity has come from. I care about the people around me. I care about them so much I would do almost anything for them (well, certain people that is...). Getting hurt and angry whenever they give me a reaction that pretty much spells out ridiculousness (though their blind hearts cannot see it), is something that I cannot help. Because I do expect them to understand better than I do. For those younger than me, I only hope that I can guide them well enough to understand the people around them. For those who are older, I expect them to know more than I do. Unfortunately, without empathy, most of them can't reach that expectation. 

On a related subject, I have already been living every day trying to just not let myself get into trouble. Or as an ex once told me, follow the 11th commandment (that he invented), just don't get caught. *chuckle*

My birthday is looming near, and I am excited about it. It's the one day where I can use as a reason for people to understand me instead of the other way around. And yet, other people still want me to understand their ways, and follow them, forgoing my plans and my hopes. I move to follow them and yet still try to get my plans to work, compromise as I call it. But my mother gives vetoes after vetoes that just eats at my empathy because I know I should be listening to her by moral standards. 

My empathy tells me to just let him stay home, and let them celebrate my birthday alone without him, just because it'll be less troublesome and less dangerous for him that way. But I just have a feeling that if I forgo my hopes and plans completely for that day, I would regret so badly for the rest of the year. I don't want to sacrifice myself just so others can have an easier life. I've understood people well enough for the past two decades. I have taken the high road and always, always tried to explain to people when I know that they're doing things wrong. 

To him, I've always tried to put things right, instead of going by my pride. I've always tried to make the communication between us smooth and obstacle free. I've gone out of my way to make him happy by showing him that I really care and love him, especially on his birthday, even if he didn't care much about birthdays in general. I did not let distance be an excuse for me to not show that I care about him. Just because my love language of physical touch cannot be used during the distance period doesn't mean I can say that it's too troublesome for me to do anything else to show that I care. I just sincerely hope that he can do the same for me, and not just tell me that even answering me a yes or no is troublesome. 

A girl just wants to feel cared for, loved and the priority. I've tried my best to give my heart to you. I don't want a sense of bond where the other half feels that everything else is more important than me. My empathy would probably allow me to just understand that you just have other things to worry about. No, not allow, make me more like. But I don't want a relationship where my empathy have to make me understand everything. I don't want to have to understand at all. A loving relationship isn't supposed to be that way. Understanding yes. But understanding for every moment where even an unsure event is more important than my birthday, more important than just seeing me, that's just too much for me to take. 

I don't need you to really make me the top priority in everything. I just want to be the top priority in something...because right now, I really just feel like I'm everyone's second choice, even yours. And if I can't even feel like I'm the top priority for my birthday if not any other day, then what's the point of me living as a person?

My mother asked me why can't I just not see him. For someone who doesn't understand, I guess I cannot blame her. She just doesn't understand how our relationship goes. She doesn't understand what I expect and what I give. She thinks I don't have to give anything and thus not having to expect anything. But if that were true, a relationship wouldn't exist. Because even in friendships, there is something called give and take.

I have to see him because it is part of my love language. I am a person who cannot take long distances for long periods of time. I've had to go through that once before. I know what hell that was. I cannot bear to let my heart go through that raw again. Call me weak, if you like. Call me dependent. Call me whatever words you like. But I will say this, everyone is different. It is only with empathy that I am able to understand at least half of them. But you whom are without it, don't judge others with your own principles because chances are, without empathy, your principles will crumble when debated with someone else who has it.