Comic Fiesta afterthought

Why am I avoiding everything that I need to face now? Aren't I the one who is supposed to be used to face matters head on even if it means getting me in a little trouble? *sigh* I'm not too sure why...

Comic Fiesta ended yesterday and part of me actually thought that I did well for a first time costume player. I remembered that one person actually asked me to take my picture without anyone's influence, and even asked for my name card. I was, and am, proud of myself because of that one person. So to her, I say thank you. Later, when my friend Mitchel took pictures of me, then only the rest wanted to. And even then I didn't know how to pose for them. Felt too awkward and felt that I couldn't maintain a smile more than 3 seconds. I didn't think all that mattered. And thus, I was happy. 

Then today, I opened the social site, and took a look at everything. Everybody's costumes were awesome. Their poses were practiced and excellent. But what made my heart have a pang is the person who dressed up as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Esmeralda was my original plan. And I guess it is silly of me, but I didn't think that anyone would dress up as her, considering that it is a character less known. Not too sure why, but it hurt me to know that someone dressed up as her. I know there's free will and all that. But I can't help what I feel. Because it is due to lack of budget that I chose to dress up as a normal gypsy, which probably caused nobody to recognise who the heck I was. And there's that someone, someone who dressed as Esmeralda, not as good as the ones I've seen online, but good enough nonetheless for a local costume player. 

Now, I'm playing Ragnarok Online to - in a way - escape from all those thoughts. People would tell me to distract myself so that I won't have to think about those depressing thoughts. Let me tell you something. Distracting usually never works. It only helps for that moment only. Solving the problem is the true cure to emotions being down. 

I thought of dressing up better next year...then it hit me. Didn't I say that it would be a one off thing? I didn't want to get myself into all the drama, into all the pressure. I felt immense pressure before going to Comic Fiesta yesterday. I was scared that nobody would know that I dressed up. I was scared that nobody would ask to take my picture (God bless that girl in the hall). I was scared of a lot things. Granted, I did try. And I guess to some people that's what that matters. But I guess I'm just bothered because I'm not even too sure if the people who wanted to take my picture after Mitchel did took it because they liked my costume or they just think that I'm a 'named' costume player when there is a photographer with a professional camera sitting there taking my picture with another person holding that reflector. 

I also want to thank Angeline...I believe that she wanted my picture because she knew me. God bless her. She made me feel confident, at least that little amount. =) Thank you.

Ange encouraged me to dress up as a High Priest next year. Or maybe the lady from Resident Evil, Ada Wong, due to her being able to fight in a cheongsam as he says. The split up the thigh is a little bit too high though. Maybe I can find a solution to that. =3 Custom make it is this time. =)

Annoying things about children

I seriously don't understand certain children sometimes. Yes folks...children, because as big as they are, they seem to have the common sense of a pea. Now let me tell you why...

I see so many of the new generation nowadays trying to 'wannabe's, be it of Western culture or Eastern culture. Hey I have nothing against wannabes, but at least get your concept right. I see people who want to absorb the Eastern culture, and then end up saying the word "bi**h" or "f**k". If you're reading this and you're guilty of the above nonsense, seriously, just stop. You want to copy a culture, go ahead. But don't go and mix up the culture and think that you're awesome just by "not giving a f*** about what other people think because life screw you too much". You're just being an arse. Just like everyone else that you like to criticise in your Facebook statuses. The Eastern culture that you happen to want to follow so much, doesn't even use a simple swear word ok? Quit mixing up the cultures then maybe you won't look half as stupid as you are now.

"I know I'm a bi**h but I don't care what other people think." - quoted

"Screw you I can post whatever I want on my Facebook". -quoted

"I'm so emo because life screws me over". - quoted

Eh aunty, you're only 14 - 15 please. What do you know about life screwing you over? Why? Because you couldn't get the comic books you wanted? Or is it your parents don't let you go out of the house so often? Ashlyn at home is your age but even she isn't as clueless as you are now.  

And yeah you can post whatever you want on a social site. People still have a right to say what they want to say. If people call you narrow minded for what you said, think about it and accept their answer lah. They probably have a reason for doing so anyway, you probably sound crap stupid to them. Did you ever think of that? Vice versa I'll have to admit. But you're the one who sounds childish here. Kind people text you personally to scold if they don't want to embarrass you. Then that other aunty (all of the same age, sorta shows you what sort of 'new generation' we have nowadays, God save our country) come and be high and mighty about people not have the guts to put it in public. Eh mak cik, people trying to help you save face you want them to scold in public ah? I think if it's me I okay punya. At most you will be the one embarrassed only mah. Anybody who come argue with me without common sense memang die gao gao. 

And thirdly, if you know you are a b***h, then change la mak oi! Very nice being mean and ignorant issit? Very nice being stupid issit? Very nice being called a b***h issit? This is called looking for trouble, then later go blame other people when they start scolding you for giving a bad impression. 

Very stupid...very very very stupid.

As they say in the local slang: macam bodoh jer, macam bodoh jer...

An odd lament

Ever looked at an ex of your beau's and stop and wonder: "Gee...their names actually clicked as a pair in my head once before"? Yeah...you're not the only one. It's not jealousy, not really. It's just that I knew Ange before we got together. Knew him for around less than a year if I'm not mistaken. He was still with her then, although probably already estranged, just that I wasn't in the loop to know it. But in my head, their names clicked together once back then.

I was one of the people who gets curious about certain people, and when I do I actually go to their Facebook and stalk their pictures *laughs*. Well, it was interesting to say the least, when I first got to know Ange. I added him on Facebook (very highly unlikely that it was he who added me first, but there is still that possibility =x) and we somehow just started chatting. I saved a copy of our conversations from when I just got to know him until the few days after we got together. One heck of a long conversation if you ask me. But all the more worth it to read back. 

I'm the type that loves to read a backlog, to see everything again, to relive the romantic memories. I go back to those conversations and think with a cunning thought that the me back then didn't even know that this was going to happen, and the me now knows it. It's a silly thing to think about, I know. But it does give me a sense of satisfaction when I know that the me now knows something the me back then didn't, and it was something crucial.

Ange and I were...to say the least...very good friends back then. He was the person I ranted to about everything in my life, to be honest, I think he was the only one who would listen so patiently. =x As a person who can't really stop talking to certain people, he was a Godsend. So long he had the time, he would oblige to talk to me on an endless time period. And I really appreciate the friendship. It just didn't occur to me that it would get to this point with Ange. Funny how things can work out. =)

My dad constantly chides me about my past decisions, one of them being the decision to study locally when I could have studied abroad. Of all the things I may have regretted, I do not regret staying here. It is by staying here that I have got to meet Ange, and to be with him now, and I thank God for that.

Anyway, back to the original topic (I do get off track a lot when I'm a roll =x). What I was going to say...the girl and Ange's name used to click together once in my head. I used to get a little jealous looking at her name appearing together with his, I wasn't too sure why, oddly saying. Maybe God was trying to send me a message then. It just bothered me a little to see her name there. But as I've said, I didn't know why. I didn't even acknowledge that feeling and just brushed it off and wished the man well. 

I don't know why am I even breaching the subject here. But it just occurred to me as odd, because when I see her name anywhere near his now, I feel a stronger (stronger, but not strong) jealousy there. And now I acknowledge it, as if it's something familiar. No matter what, she once was what he fancied, I can't be all too comfortable with that right? But then again, I know have nothing to worry about. I trust him with my heart. It's just sometimes, the heart gives me a kick in the wrong direction that I know I should not follow, but am still thrust upon the doorway of that path anyway, tempting, albeit it being a very weak temptation indeed. Unreasonable jealousy was never a strong temptation in the first place right?

Looking at what they said again...yeah, the pang is still there. It's just something natural, I think (?). It's not easy seeing your beau and an ex being so friendly (but then again it's not too hard either considering the circumstances). Technically I am on speaking terms with my exes. But most of them I rather not go near at all, knowing that it would open one hell of a can of worms that no one wants to face. Let bygones be bygones and pretend I don't know them 'cept by name. It's easier to live life that way isn't it? Let my new life take over and forget the past, if only to forget the bad memories. 

Yeah it's probably the fact that I have nothing to do (technically speaking, I do have assignments on my tail, just that RO distracted me =x) that I am typing all of this now. But then again, I welcome these moments, regardless of the topics. I rarely get the motivation to write, let alone write so long a piece, gibberish put aside of course. Well, it's late. It's off to bed then. Ange's at the movies with Keats now (sounds like the poet, doesn't he? =3 Keats I mean...) and I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow. =w=

Have a goodnight folks. And a Happy New Year~ (muehehehehe...)

Christmas month

Heh...the first post for December. A hectic month for sure for most university students, as most of us have finals coming soon, thus the assignment deadlines are looming near. I have deadlines too. But alas, my brain doesn't register the intensity of the stress when my body does feel it. My heart feels like it's a little chokey now, but my brain really can't seem to see any urgency or the high level of the assignments. Is it just me? Because all of a sudden I'm finding myself trying to get out of every single class / assignment with just the minimum requirements. This makes me doubt my ability if I really want to get to Masters. Probably that line isn't for someone like me. But I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the future.

Ah well...take what comes I suppose. God bless me.

So...CF is coming before Christmas this December. I already have my costume done and ready, just hoping that everything will go as planned. Don't you hate it when plans just get messed up at the last minute? The amount of effort you have to give just to make things similar to what you want or to make things to a level where it's tolerable for you. Heh...I'm having coscards made though. It will be a first time that I'm having any sort of card made for myself. ~(_^_)~ But I'm wondering if anybody will be ask for my coscard, seeing as my costume won't really be a normal cosplay costume, more to Halloween side of things. Renaissance wench / Western European gypsy. A generic costume. One thing about being generic though, is that I can change my costume to suit my tastes, anything I want I can put on: hats, scarves, make up, jingles even. 

Listening to Christmas songs now. But it doesn't feel much of a Christmassy feel. Probably because I can't decorate my room (nobody except my roommate will see it anyway) and I can't play the music without the headphones (roommate is already in bed - so early =A=) because I can't disturb people with my crazy Christmassy mood. Perhaps when it's nearing (a few days before?) the day itself I'll start wearing a Santa hat, just to liven up the mood. Let people stare if they want to. Spreading the Christmas spirit is sorta more important. xD