Monday, June 22, 2015

5 months later?

And I'm back here after...what...5 months? Yeah...
What a time to be back here writing. 

Just experienced muscle cramps today. Twice to be exact. Now I know, it isn't all that interesting. But honestly the pain was murder. Can you imagine having your toes twisting with each other as you try to walk in class while teaching? 

In line with that, I'm teaching now. Previously I was teaching at a primary school. And now I'm in a Chinese Independent school. I won't say which, for privacy purposes. But in time I probably will. 

I'm not really sure how to update you guys now. I didn't want to start over with a new blog. That sounds rather silly. But I'll give it a try and see how things go with this update of mine. 

I mentioned that previously I was in a primary school. I was only there for 6 weeks. But it was one of the best 6 weeks of my life. I honestly enjoyed the work, the kids - maybe not so much the parents - and the colleagues. That was March 23rd. The day I started at that school. 

After that, due to certain...persuasions, I decided to leave there and take up the offer of a so-called "better" school. It's my first week there at the new school, going into my second week. And I'm starting to wonder if I've ever regretted anything else so badly. 

I'm not too sure what to express here. 5 months of void, too much to say. Way too many things swim in my mind every single day. It makes me wonder when will I stop wondering. Probably not. *shrugs*



Friday, January 16, 2015

Just a thought...into a blog.

Have we ever wondered what made us look like who we are? What made us who we are...

I sit here and watch everyone's progress in life, in cosplay, in...everything, basically. 

I'm only grabbing the inspiration in me while it hits, so please, nothing about being self-pitiful, or anything negative. I know who I am. 

We've all dreamed to be like someone, be it once before, or right now, or possibly even in the future, you won't know. But at a certain point of time, I get to a moment where I start thinking that I don't want to be thought that I'm copying him, because, at a rate, I do have self pride (and perhaps a little too much of it)

Yes, I get jealous whenever that happens. Because he gets there being born adorable. He gets there having already, the cute features that is part of the reason why he is that successful right now. Now, when I say "he", I don't mean a specific gender. I refer to both men and women alike. We've all been jealous of some of them at a certain point, be it if we want to admit to ourselves or not. 

So, what do I do when I get jealous? Well, nothing, for the most of it. Today, I resolved by just writing here. It's not really helping to progress, I know. But when you don't have the resources, nor the skills (yet) to make it be like as he is, sometimes, the best thing to do is just sit tight and try not to beat yourself too much about it. Because chances are, (not trying to be spiteful here, only stating facts) a lot of them are successful (in a particular area) is due to the surrounding resources that they have. 

We often hear of the successes with the sadder background stories is because those are the stories that sell news. We don't hear of the normal rich to rich, or beautiful to beautiful, or even genius to genius, because that's what it is, it's not interesting to humankind in general. We only want to read about the contrast, be it from a bad condition to a good one, or the other way around. 

So I stand by my ground, the people whom I know are successful in the area that is significant to me (this is important because do not go jumping to conclusions of what I actually mean), are usually the ones with better pre-ready resources. Pair that with effort and there you have that success. I realise I may be sounding like a sore loser, so forgive me. But it is something that I must get off my mind before it loses itself in my train of thought. 

It's funny how this post only started with a thought. I didn't know what was I going to write. I just wanted to. 

Looks like Mary Schneider was right. Just do what you want to do for only 10 minutes, if you think that you cannot do it longer than that. You'll be surprised at what comes out, or what inspires you after. It's not ten minutes yet...but you get the idea. I just had to start writing and see what comes. Now, I have a perfectly decent (I hope) blog post to showcase, instead of leaving it almost deserted for a few months like I did last year. 

Sometimes, I really do feel like I need a following for me to be encouraged to keep writing my thoughts out. Because sometimes, the thought doesn't seem important enough to be posted. But then I forget, this is a personal blog. Lifestyle. So I choose not to be bothered. I just have to write. Somehow, it's still better than writing into a diary these days, because chances are, I'll get tired of the writing itself, and with no one to read it, I would see no point, because my goal is not just to express, but also to be heard. 

Perhaps I really should keep a notebook on what I can write about here. It's therapeutic in a way. Especially when I just don't have the right person to talk to. 

Monday, January 5, 2015

The Big Bang Theory parallel

Hello!

After not posting for so long, I guess this might sound a bit late. But Happy New Year!


I've just watched an episode in The Big Bang Theory. I had the chance to get the whole Season 7, and watched to the point where Penny's car broke down and was announced unusable. She was on the verge of crying. She was at a point where she quit her waitress-ing job to concentrate on her effort in finding acting jobs. Without a car, her life, and her dreams, were literally over. She cried. I understood.

I was half expecting Leonard to just suggest buying her a car then and there. But, he did not say anything...and I thought that he could have done more. I distinctively remember thinking about it, wanting him to do more. 

I could feel exactly what Penny felt at that moment, the feeling of being lost, helpless, not being able to help yourself but to go back and meet the people you hated, that desperation knowing that you would ask for anything, so long it got you out of it, but just stopping short of asking your other true half for help. Yes, we have our pride. Desperate for help as we are, it's hard for us to ask for help directly without making it seem like we can't handle the problem. 

When the scene went through, I was partly angry at Leonard, for not offering anything but so-called "solutions", perhaps with it being due to him only giving questions, instead of actually helping her. The catch in my heart that I felt was evident. Because I knew that desperation. The desperation that you would accept help from anyone, even from the person you hate, but secretly hoping that help comes from the person that you can trust the most. 

It's a dark place to be. Not a place I would recommend for the weak-hearted. For those who have never felt that desperation, you don't know what it's like. Sitting there, giving us possible solutions, it really doesn't work sometimes. Sometimes, what we need is just the problem solved, because it's getting too much to handle. We don't have the capability to solve it anymore. Or the will to.

As I sat there and thought of it, the episode continued. Penny was expressing her feelings of being humiliated at being forced to head back to get her old job at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard was too busy making jokes, but...on hindsight, I saw why he could make those jokes.

Anyway, Leonard was supposed to send Penny to the Cheesecake Factory to get her old job back, trying to lighten the situation with crude jokes. Then they head down the building, and Leonard opens the car door for Penny, only for Penny to notice that it wasn't his car. She stated that it wasn't his car with a total look of confusion. Leonard states: "I know, I thought we could take yours" *holds up new car keys*. Penny was confused. Leonard explained that it wasn't a fancy car, but it would help get her to auditions, and she would not have to go back to the restaurant to work. When she understood, she cried. I cried too. 


The reason this scene affects me more than most is because this scene reminds me of Ange and I. Leonard solved her problem without asking her, knowing that it was what she needed to get back on her feet. Ange said specfically before, he would be the type that solves the problem, not waiting for me to ask for help, especially when it came to financial problems. 

I had no need for help back then, it was a rhetorical statement. But now, seeing the parallel situation between Leonard and Penny, with Ange and I...it made me relate to them a whole 'nother way now. I was touched, I cried, and I'm proud to say that I have a Leonard too, knowing that he would be there for me when I need it. Knowing that he would be there, is enough. I no longer need to walk in the dark, fearing I would fall, because I know that there's someone there to catch me. 

I can walk in the dark with my head held high. 



-Thanks to Pachebel's Canon in D playing in the background for keeping me writing. It's been a while since any motivation or inspiration to write came along. The right scene, and the right music helps. :)


With love,


Kaitlyn
 

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