Every single time I try to write, writer's block comes at me like an anvil in Looney Tunes. BAM!! it goes onto my head. It makes me discouraged to write all of a sudden. And who knows discouraged from what else.
I have been skipping a lot of classes lately, ever since they told me there wouldn't be any barring in school. I skipped where I thought it wasn't important. Like today's French class, I was tired. And my friend Nurul skipped too this morning, she told me. So in a way, I found an excuse for myself to escape too. Smartest friend skipping so it means I can too, that sort of nonsense. Yes...I know it's nonsense. And yet I can't find it in myself to stop it.
Ange's right. Most of the people in our country isn't ready or disciplined enough to handle a no barring scheme in school. Theory wise, it is up to us to decide whether we can handle not going to class. It is all up to us to decide whether we want to go to school to learn. I am here to learn. That's true. But sometimes it just feels too tiring. And here I'll tell you why.
I am a person who flourish better when around the people I love. If, let's say, I am staying with Ange, living together with him peacefully, I wouldn't mind staying in class. I know, my mind works in funny ways. And yes, I'm probably not disciplined enough either. It's just that, the thought of having to go back to my rented room, if rest is the only thing that is waiting for me, I rather go back earlier. Knowing that I will be able to see Ange regardless of what time my class ends, then I wouldn't mind staying for class.
Now now...I know it's a little twisted. But I really can't help it. I will always enjoy my day so long I know I am going back to Ange, or am going back home to mama and papa, but in this case (please don't say bad things OAQ) I think going back to Ange's holds more of a motivational thing than home. With home I rather go back faster, because it's home.
Why is it that I think that way? I'm not sure really. I just know that I want to be able to live with him, for me to be able to enjoy my day being away from him. This is because no matter what, I know I will always go home to him after everything is done for the day. Mama would probably have my head if she knows this...
And yet, for now I cannot live with him constantly. Not because I'm unable to at the moment. But because there is an external pressure that is coming at me, something that makes me want to stay away from that place altogether, but find myself unable to because that is where I need to be if I want to be with Ange. His mother.
His mother has been giving me hints that I shouldn't be staying with him at all, or the fact that she doesn't like me staying with him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that I'm not thinking too much. I'm only staying with him over the weekends when I'm still around here. But lately, I've been getting the odd feeling that she's trying to hint at me to just not go back there so often, or at all. And it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to ask him to live somewhere else, if it isn't for the fact that he may not be able to support that much yet.
I want to be with him at a place where I can be myself. I don't want to have to freeze up my body involuntarily whenever I hear the mother's footsteps near his room, wondering if she's going to come in and want to talk to me about asking me not to go there so often anymore. I get scared every single time. And I'm not sure it was even important enough to tell Ange about it. I think by the time he comes home after every teaching session, I would have forgotten that I was ever afraid.
What do you think I should do? I can't do without being with Ange. I look forward to be able to see him in the morning when I wake up, and say goodnight to him in person when I sleep at night. It's something that I've drilled into my head that I must have every weekend I'm here, it's my way of escaping and relaxing every single weekend. Granted, staying here in my rented room, there is no pressure. There is only silence (with the occasional roommate talking) and relaxation, because there is no pressure for me to be here. But there is loneliness.
Without being with Ange, or being somewhere that has to do with Ange when I know I can be, I feel a little lost, not to mention bored. Seeing him, being with him, just being there, is just like an ability to breathe, it comes naturally. When he isn't around, and it's during the weekdays, my heart feels somewhat constricted. As if my body has already recognised the time with him as relaxation time therefore during the weekdays I'm not allowed to relax at all. But problem comes when the weekend plans gets messed up all of a sudden. I've been through that once a few weeks ago, I practically broke down. Thankfully, Ange (bless him) saved me from having to go through the weekend looking like the undead (from bouts of crying).
I need Ange and my family with me at times when I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, my solutions are not what you call 'family-friendly' at the moment. And whenever I go to Ange's, I feel so friggin' pressured that I'm trying hard to life the pressure by trying to be chummy with his mother, but to no avail sometimes I feel. I've only known mothers who wants to show me solidarity (albeit against their sons sometimes in mischeif~ hehehe) and also friendship. So I really am at my wit's end about how to deal with his mother. And worse, how to deal with her when me and Ange actually finally decide to get married.
I feel like I really need him by my side right now, to ease this rope I seem to have on my spine. I seem to physically feel my stress and I know it's not a good thing (and people wonder why I eat so much, ever heard of stress eating?) but I don't know how to dispel away the bonds. I can ask him to come pick me up for a while. But somehow I feel so long it's late and I won't be going to his place anyway, there is no point, the bonds will just come back after he leaves me in the room again, until the weekend. I really want to live together with him. But what can I do unless he lives somewhere else? O~Q
