tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45481155997713321532024-02-19T11:31:29.763+08:00Autumn. Winter. Spring. SummersβIn the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.β β Albert CamusKaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-22712280483056830572015-06-22T18:38:00.002+08:002015-06-22T18:38:34.118+08:005 months later?<div style="text-align: justify;">
And I'm back here after...what...5 months? Yeah...</div>
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What a time to be back here writing. </div>
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Just experienced muscle cramps today. Twice to be exact. Now I know, it isn't all that interesting. But honestly the pain was murder. Can you imagine having your toes twisting with each other as you try to walk in class while teaching? </div>
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In line with that, I'm teaching now. Previously I was teaching at a primary school. And now I'm in a Chinese Independent school. I won't say which, for privacy purposes. But in time I probably will. </div>
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I'm not really sure how to update you guys now. I didn't want to start over with a new blog. That sounds rather silly. But I'll give it a try and see how things go with this update of mine. </div>
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I mentioned that previously I was in a primary school. I was only there for 6 weeks. But it was one of the best 6 weeks of my life. I honestly enjoyed the work, the kids - maybe not so much the parents - and the colleagues. That was March 23rd. The day I started at that school. </div>
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After that, due to certain...persuasions, I decided to leave there and take up the offer of a so-called "better" school. It's my first week there at the new school, going into my second week. And I'm starting to wonder if I've ever regretted anything else so badly. </div>
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I'm not too sure what to express here. 5 months of void, too much to say. Way too many things swim in my mind every single day. It makes me wonder when will I stop wondering. Probably not. *shrugs*</div>
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<a name='more'></a>What do you do when you seem to think that you cannot be happy in one place? Do you take off and leave? Or do you tough it out just because it is already there?<br /><br />
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I honestly do not know what to do about being in this new school. The students are students, secondary school kids. Only one class has my attention, and even their attention weans, not enough to sustain that happiness that I want to maintain. </div>
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I am the type of person that will want to look forward to everyday of work. They say love what you do, and you won't feel like you're working any day of your life. But what if you love what you do, you just don't love where you're doing it? Does that count? Because I'm sure as heck that I've been feeling the dread of going back to work everyday. </div>
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Oh it's not so bad yet. I'm pretty sure that I can survive the year, if need be. But that's the thing. I don't want to just survive. I want to enjoy going to work. I want to have a reason to smile going to work. And I'm not getting that, even though I get to teach exactly what I want. </div>
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I want to look forward to going to school everyday, the same way I did on the last few days that I got to be at the previous school. I was forced to leave you see, because the principal never honoured the contract she drew up for me. I should have fought, I know. But I didn't want to leave a burned bridge just in case I wanted to come back. Ironically, I regret ever leaving there now. </div>
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Ange tells me that I shouldn't linger, because it isn't healthy for me. That may be true, but being in that place seems to give me more solace than anything, although I do understand the complications. </div>
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There is a lot of things that I should be writing in here. Way too many. But there are things I rather not squeeze together. There are people that I would like to introduce to you guys but not being squeezed into this post. Perhaps another one. But he will go by this name...</div>
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Damon. </div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-79717481866714266112015-01-16T00:03:00.000+08:002015-01-16T00:08:32.691+08:00Just a thought...into a blog.<div style="text-align: justify;">
Have we ever wondered what made us look like who we are? What made us who we are...</div>
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I sit here and watch everyone's progress in life, in cosplay, in...everything, basically. </div>
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I'm only grabbing the inspiration in me while it hits, so please, nothing about being self-pitiful, or anything negative. I know who I am. </div>
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We've all dreamed to be like someone, be it once before, or right now, or possibly even in the future, you won't know. But at a certain point of time, I get to a moment where I start thinking that I don't want to be thought that I'm copying him, because, at a rate, I do have self pride <i>(and perhaps a little too much of it)</i>. </div>
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Yes, I get jealous whenever that happens. Because he gets there being born adorable. He gets there having already, the cute features that is part of the reason why he is that successful right now. Now, when I say "he", I don't mean a specific gender. I refer to both men and women alike. We've all been jealous of some of them at a certain point, be it if we want to admit to ourselves or not. </div>
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So, what do I do when I get jealous? Well, nothing, for the most of it. Today, I resolved by just writing here. It's not really helping to progress, I know. But when you don't have the resources, nor the skills <i>(yet)</i> to make it be like as he is, sometimes, the best thing to do is just sit tight and try not to beat yourself too much about it. Because chances are, <i>(not trying to be spiteful here, only stating facts)</i> a lot of them are successful <i>(in a particular area)</i> is due to the surrounding resources that they have. </div>
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We often hear of the successes with the sadder background stories is because those are the stories that sell news. We don't hear of the normal rich to rich, or beautiful to beautiful, or even genius to genius, because that's what it is, it's not interesting to humankind in general. We only want to read about the contrast, be it from a bad condition to a good one, or the other way around. </div>
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So I stand by my ground, the people whom I know are successful in <u>the area that is significant to me</u> <i>(this is important because do not go jumping to conclusions of what I actually mean)</i>, are usually the ones with better pre-ready resources. Pair that with effort and there you have that success. I realise I may be sounding like a sore loser, so forgive me. But it is something that I must get off my mind before it loses itself in my train of thought. </div>
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It's funny how this post only started with a thought. I didn't know what was I going to write. I just wanted to. </div>
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Looks like Mary Schneider was right. Just do what you want to do for only 10 minutes, if you think that you cannot do it longer than that. You'll be surprised at what comes out, or what inspires you after. It's not ten minutes yet...but you get the idea. I just had to start writing and see what comes. Now, I have a perfectly decent <i>(I hope)</i> blog post to showcase, instead of leaving it almost deserted for a few months like I did last year. </div>
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Sometimes, I really do feel like I need a following for me to be encouraged to keep writing my thoughts out. Because sometimes, the thought doesn't seem important enough to be posted. But then I forget, this is a personal blog. Lifestyle. So I choose not to be bothered. I just have to write. Somehow, it's still better than writing into a diary these days, because chances are, I'll get tired of the writing itself, and with no one to read it, I would see no point, because my goal is not just to express, but also to be heard. </div>
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Perhaps I really should keep a notebook on what I can write about here. It's therapeutic in a way. Especially when I just don't have the right person to talk to. </div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-5363371999963175892015-01-05T22:35:00.002+08:002015-01-05T22:40:14.301+08:00The Big Bang Theory parallelHello!<br />
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After not posting for so long, I guess this might sound a bit late. But Happy New Year!</div>
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I've just watched an episode in The Big Bang Theory. I had the chance to get the whole Season 7, and watched to the point where Penny's car broke down and was announced unusable. She was on the verge of crying. She was at a point where she quit her waitress-ing job to concentrate on her effort in finding acting jobs. Without a car, her life, and her dreams, were literally over. She cried. I understood.<br />
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I was half expecting Leonard to just suggest buying her a car then and there. But, he did not say anything...and I thought that he could have done more. I distinctively remember thinking about it, wanting him to do more. </div>
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I could feel exactly what Penny felt at that moment, the feeling of being lost, helpless, not being able to help yourself but to go back and meet the people you hated, that desperation knowing that you would ask for anything, so long it got you out of it, but just stopping short of asking your other true half for help. Yes, we have our pride. Desperate for help as we are, it's hard for us to ask for help directly without making it seem like we can't handle the problem. </div>
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When the scene went through, I was partly angry at Leonard, for not offering anything but so-called "solutions", perhaps with it being due to him only giving questions, instead of actually helping her. The catch in my heart that I felt was evident. Because I knew that desperation. The desperation that you would accept help from anyone, even from the person you hate, but secretly hoping that help comes from the person that you can trust the most. </div>
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It's a dark place to be. Not a place I would recommend for the weak-hearted. For those who have never felt that desperation, you don't know what it's like. Sitting there, giving us possible solutions, it really doesn't work sometimes. Sometimes, what we need is just the problem solved, because it's getting too much to handle. We don't have the capability to solve it anymore. Or the will to.</div>
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As I sat there and thought of it, the episode continued. Penny was expressing her feelings of being humiliated at being forced to head back to get her old job at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard was too busy making jokes, but...on hindsight, I saw why he could make those jokes.</div>
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Anyway, Leonard was supposed to send Penny to the Cheesecake Factory to get her old job back, trying to lighten the situation with crude jokes. Then they head down the building, and Leonard opens the car door for Penny, only for Penny to notice that it wasn't his car. She stated that it wasn't his car with a total look of confusion. Leonard states: "I know, I thought we could take yours" *holds up new car keys*. Penny was confused. Leonard explained that it wasn't a fancy car, but it would help get her to auditions, and she would not have to go back to the restaurant to work. When she understood, she cried. I cried too. </div>
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The reason this scene affects me more than most is because this scene reminds me of Ange and I. Leonard solved her problem without asking her, knowing that it was what she needed to get back on her feet. Ange said specfically before, he would be the type that solves the problem, not waiting for me to ask for help, especially when it came to financial problems. </div>
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I had no need for help back then, it was a rhetorical statement. But now, seeing the parallel situation between Leonard and Penny, with Ange and I...it made me relate to them a whole 'nother way now. I was touched, I cried, and I'm proud to say that I have a Leonard too, knowing that he would be there for me when I need it. Knowing that he would be there, is enough. I no longer need to walk in the dark, fearing I would fall, because I know that there's someone there to catch me. </div>
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I can walk in the dark with my head held high. </div>
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-Thanks to Pachebel's Canon in D playing in the background for keeping me writing. It's been a while since any motivation or inspiration to write came along. The right scene, and the right music helps. :)</div>
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With love,</div>
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Kaitlyn</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-11466098184366951602014-10-12T20:49:00.001+08:002014-10-12T20:49:31.651+08:00Visiting pasts<div style="text-align: justify;">
Have you ever visited the past? Not literally, obviously. But more like going back to old messages, looking back at old conversations, memories, etc. What did it feel like looking back? More in particular, what did it feel like looking back at old relationships? Nostalgic? Wistful? Or relief? </div>
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Well, what if you had the chance to look back at someone else's past? Interested? </div>
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Being partly emphatic, mostly thanks to my high insecurities of what people might or might not feel, I can relate to certain experiences through word conversations. Word, because there is a record of past conversations, provided the people it belonged to did not delete said conversation. I can't relate to a lot of factual experiences, perhaps, yes. But, emotionally, I can. Pain, especially. The pain of breaking up.</div>
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No no...it isn't my breaking up with someone that I'm talking about. No. Those were very uneventful. And not something I want to go back to to be honest. It not my own experiences that I want to relive. It's other people's. </div>
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Don't you think it to be interesting? To be able to visit other people's pasts. And then to wonder what feelings actually went through their hearts, to allow them to spew out such eloquent <i>(or not</i><i style="text-decoration: underline;">) </i>words. There is this person that I had the chance to went through the past for, all thanks to a certain online application that kept conversations in archives for years. </div>
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I looked back to certain names that used to mean a lot to him. And there my adventure started. I used random word searches in the conversation so as to help me get back to the particular timeline that I wanted to see, knowing the guy's story. Because I knew who the guy is, I wanted to know who he was. </div>
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As I read through the words, all I could think of is the pain that he must have went through during that particular period of time. The empathy in me shot volleys of pain through my heart knowing how he must have felt when he uttered those words. And I felt for him. He isn't who he used to be. But I sit here, thankful that I know who he is and who he was before. </div>
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I got a bit miffed knowing that he doesn't do what he used to when it comes to me now. But I guess, with each different change, personalities change along with it. </div>
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Visiting his past made me feel just a wee bit different about him at the moment. But then again, it just means that my view of him changed, just by that much. And it's good that it did. Because it means I can love him just that much more than I already have. :)</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-68708170021950346342014-10-11T14:56:00.000+08:002014-10-11T14:56:19.190+08:00People and drama, they just come together.<div style="text-align: justify;">
Day after day passes by and I'm sitting here wondering, why does time fly so fast? It seems like only yesterday that I was thinking this week was going to be hectic <i>(it was Sunday of the previous week)</i>...and it wasn't, and it's already Saturday of the this week. </div>
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Well, enough about time. </div>
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Being in the cosplaying community for a while, it makes me wonder about the drama that people can cause. When personal interests come into play, a lot of the time, people can forget about relationships. As they say in Chinese, "recognise money don't recognise people". But in this case, it's more to personal benefits instead of money. </div>
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I've seen very popular people screw up their methods of dealing with their issues. With this era being the era of the Internet now, some of them seem to deem it wise to share their issues with an anonymity of names on their Facebook accounts. And then they would have all their friends come in and comment <i>(i.e. bashing, flaming, etc.)</i> on the same status, with the person stating "you know who you are". </div>
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Really people?</div>
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That's not the way to deal with things. Now I'm not a saint, nor a wise person that's been meditating on the top of the mountain for years. But the wise thing to do when one has issues with someone else is to directly go to the person and explain what issues that they have. Not to post about it online, hoping the person that you're mad at will read the post, be bothered with it, and then reply to you / post about it on their own status and then you end up denying that you ever meant it about them because, well, you didn't really mention who now did you? </div>
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Confronting people with issues that you have with them isn't about giving yourself space to back down from your words when people have issues after hearing what you said. Being mature / wise isn't about posting things online with an anonymity on names either. It just shows that you're too much of a coward to want to deal with people personally, being scared of what drama they might cause you. </div>
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So what if you're scared? Does that mean you go to the Internet? So what if you're worried they're going to cause more trouble than its worth? Does that mean you're ethical to post something like that? No.</div>
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<i>*sigh*</i> What people fail to understand most of the time, is that we need to face issues directly, scared or no. If you fear that the other party will give you trouble for talking to them directly, then figure out a way to get past that. </div>
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I've faced a coward bully once before. She was bent on spreading rumours about me because she couldn't stand that I was dating her crush. My crush was hell bent on beating things out of her <i>(a reason why the word "was" is used)</i> but I convinced him to let me try to deal with it. I don't need people to use violence to solve things <i>(although admittedly, landing a slap on her would have been satisfying)</i>. I knew she had a gang of friends that would back her up. So I figured out a way to get to her alone. </div>
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I called her out in the middle of her class. She had no choice, because her friends could not follow her and the teacher had allowed me to see her at that moment. I talked to her amicably, told her that what she's doing is going to cause her more trouble to her than to me. Upon telling her that her crush was intending to beat her up, she believed me. And she promised never to do that ever again. </div>
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Now, I knew that her friends were the one who egged her on <i>(I never did like those lot)</i>. But confronting her was the wisest thing I could do. There was another experience, where another girl, sadly having the same cowardice <i>(it must run in the people of the same year in that school because both of them were friends, not too close though)</i> accused me of frisking her boyfriend. Now, what I did was only to pat him on the back, asking him if he had lunch, and going off to my own class. Next thing I knew, the girl started a vendetta against me, saying that I am a flirt. If she didn't have faith in her own boyfriend, that's her problem. But bothering me with gibberish was not the wisest thing she could have done. </div>
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I had no chance to confront her, as she furiously avoided me, knowing that her story was based on non-existent stories. She had only wanted her friends to blindly support her, not caring if they knew the real story. But I did the next best thing. As a favour, I asked the boyfriend to talk and convince her that what she's doing is nonsense. In his defense, he did apologise, even though he had no skills whatsoever to control that ball of cowardice that was his girlfriend. Other than that, I did nothing. It wasn't wise to do anything other than that. </div>
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The girl and I never talked since. But she wasn't all that much a good friend anyway. So it didn't really matter too much. </div>
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Now I've stepped a bit too far from the original intent of the post. What I meant to say was, facing your issues directly is always a good way to start. Never go around facing them. Never post them publicly online. Just go to the person who you have issues with, because that is the way to solve problems. If that doesn't work, then, well, you can go ahead and do whatever you see fit, because you've tried your best at wise choices anyway. </div>
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On a separate topic, we all had the notion that only girls create drama within themselves whenever they sense a threat to their position, interests, etc. Today, I've learned that guys do that too. </div>
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Screw the bro code. There are men who would screw their brothers over just so that they can slap him in the face <i>(not literally)</i> when he's down, especially when their love interest has anything to do with it. Hypothetically, the story was, Leonard likes Audrey and Arina. Mack successfully dates them both <i>(obviously not at the same time)</i>. Now Mack's a decent guy, albeit a lil' soft of my taste. Mack's second girlfriend, Arina, had just broken up with him. Arina, Leonard, and Maximilian are good friends. So, when Mack and Arina had broken up, the latter went to talk to Leonard and Maxim. Leonard, being jealous, wanted to rub the break up in Mack's wounds. Thus, both Leonard and Maxim goes to "bring news" to Mack on what Arina said, some of it being "you guys have no chance being together anymore", complete with gloating voice. </div>
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It baffles me on how guys would do this to their own brothers for the sake of someone they like <i>(not that the other person actually likes them back for that matter but I guess that's a moot point to crazy people sometimes)</i>. For what it is worth, I really do hope Mack learns from all this. It does get sickening when you have to tell the guy the same advice after two broken relationships. </div>
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Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-58493116866938526242014-10-02T09:09:00.001+08:002014-10-02T09:09:11.275+08:00Finally at that place...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yesterday, I finally was at a place where I ultimately okay with my parents knowing what I'm doing in my life <i>(for the most part anyway)</i>. I finally approved my mother's Facebook friend request after so long keeping it in limbo. </div>
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I was a rebellious kid. I did many a thing that I kept a secret from my parents in fear of them scolding me. Because of it I developed a sense of defensiveness as a child that I <i>(fortunately or unfortunately)</i> brought up to my young adult years. </div>
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These days, I'm trying my best to not snap at my mother <i>(out of defensiveness and my own impatience, I am very sorry about that</i>). I am trying to control my temper and to always try to tell her as much going on-s in my life as possible. There are certain things still that I find I cannot tell her directly, but to allow her to guess and for me not actually confirming her answer <i>(to give myself some leeway just in case someone gets mad)</i>. But seeing as I don't post those things on Facebook anyway, and I'm assuming that I can still rant without the 'rents screaming at me at the top of their lungs <i>(God bless them)</i>, I made the decision that approving my mother's request on Facebook won't be the worst thing ever.</div>
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Ange always told me to think, if I can take the consequences of what I might do, then go ahead and do it if it makes me happier. I have a friend, Vince; he was so adamant for me to not approve the request because he still insists that parents should be clueless about our so-called "fabulous" life. I can see that he is still at the rebellious stage, not really growing up. But then again, looking at the state of his family <i>(I'm not to gossip, but to state facts)</i>, I don't blame him <i>(too much)</i>. </div>
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I want my parents to be a part of life. Now that I'm not at home often, and what with my temper when I am I home, I want a platform where I can share what I'm doing with my parents without me snapping or them reacting too badly when I break out something to them. It's not the perfect step, I should be telling them things personally instead of relying on technology like Facebook. But it's a step I can take at the moment, because I am trying to work on my impatience, not to mention my defensiveness that causes a lot of trouble. </div>
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And personally, I think mama would be happy too, knowing that she can somehow keep in touch with me when she wants to. I don't post too much personal things on there now. But it'll allow her to feel like I'm still with her. I know she misses us. </div>
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Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-80403587702110810512014-09-17T08:40:00.000+08:002014-09-17T08:40:15.508+08:00Of flaws and future beaus<div style="text-align: justify;">
I finally found the inspiration needed to come back here and write. Ironic that it's the same sort of experience that one goes through almost everyday, but never take the effort to notice...</div>
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What makes us human? As in...people. Our good points? Yes, humans are kind, they are strong, they are intelligent <i>(more than some)</i>, they are many things on this God's green earth. But when we mention humans, ourselves, do we look at our flaws as clear as we see the strengths? </div>
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No...not many people do. One thing we humans generally are is that we are proud creatures. We take pride in the things we do, things we don't do. Pride is in all of us. It's just depends on the person whether Pride is a big part of him or not. But because we have Pride, chances are, we rarely would admit, or even see, the flaws within us. And because of that, we tend to lament that we don't get much of a "life". </div>
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You see, dear readers, the reason I'm writing all of this is because I'm feeling rather philosophical. Yes, philosophical. Sitting in my cool, comfortable room in the middle of the night last night gave me some sort of an epiphany, if only for the people who complained about "having no life" in front of me. </div>
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You see, when we were talking about "having no life" <i>(myself excluded, I do not see my life to be that mundane)</i>, my colleagues back then were relating "having no life" to "not having a boyfriend". I baffle at the relation, but I do understand their sentiment, if not empathising with it. My colleague then went on to relate her "cup of tea" in men.</div>
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She wanted younger, cuter, more boyish, and yet manly at the same time. I listened as she rambled on about the looks she wanted in her future beau, and started to think to myself, is that all people can say about their future beau? Or is that all she can say? The looks? </div>
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<i>*chuckle*</i> Now I don't see myself as some relationship expert, although I can say that I've had my fair share of heaven and earth experience with ex-boyfriends. I've dated many a guy, all different from each other, although bearing certain inner similarities. It is because of it that I had the chance to learn what I really need in partner. Not someone who looks good all the time <i>(although I can say that looking good / cute is a good bonus to have)</i>, but more to someone who can complement me, like how jigsaw puzzles fit into each other because they were made that way. </div>
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I need someone who can make up for my flaws with his strengths, and vice versa for my strengths to his flaws. I want my personality to complement his, as much as his do mine. I want him to talk when I don't, or be content with the silence. I want him to listen when I talk, which is a lot. I want him to be patient with my quirky self, because I know my temper isn't for the random guy to be able to handle. ,I want him to be able to counter my arguments when I need a decent conversation. I need him to allow to handle my own problems, and only ask for help when need be. I need him...for so many things, different things, from what people will say. </div>
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Perhaps my colleague did not deem to share her thoughts of her future beau's personality with me, or perhaps she really didn't think about the key points of her future beau that has to complement her being. It just made me wonder, whether people actually know how to see the flaws in themselves to be able to give such an observation about their future spouses. </div>
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Perhaps I am blessed enough that I got the chance to experience different people in my life that it allowed me to know what I need in someone, because all that assured me what sort of personality in my beau that I need for me to be able to function as a human being, as well as being his other half. I can see my flaws well. And though sometimes I don't admit them too proudly, but I still do state them fairly, like my temper, for instance. Knowing my flaws clearly allows me to state what I need in someone that will be living with me for the next century <i>(God willing)</i>. And looking at my colleague, though it may be a bit of a stretch, it makes me wonder, if the people at large, are willing to admit what flaws they have, to themselves if not to other people, just to see who fits them better, not who they want to fit them better...</div>
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Just a thought to start the day... :)</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-79989539125600928702014-05-17T19:13:00.000+08:002014-05-17T19:15:31.574+08:00Detached impossibilities...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Have you ever wanted a friendship that is just so effortless, that you need not care about when can you be yourself? Have you ever wanted to just relax in a relationship, not having to worry about whether you're going to be stepping on landmines, or time bombs? </div>
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I've been through these couple of days, planning every step with effort. Because I am a person who loves to be bubbly, squeal-y, and highly enthusiastic with my friendships when the mood comes, I always find it so hard to accept that some people can't be the same. It makes me think whether they're going to hate me for "making an effort" to talk to them. </div>
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I myself have certain timing when I do not want to talk, usually if it's a person I don't know too well, I won't reply too enthusiastically, but I'll still show a warm welcome regardless. I can do that, so sometimes, I do wonder, why can't anybody else can? They show me warmth, oh yes, they do. But the sort of warmth that makes you feel that it's forced sometimes. Because to me, even a little bit of resistance can make me feel unwanted. Being a linguist and a member of the female species, I catch even the littlest resistance to warmth people give and interpret it to something less warm, especially if I don't know the person that well, which makes it harder to interpret correctly. </div>
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I've met with many time bombs over my years of getting to know people <i>(and no I'm not that old)</i>. So dealing with time bombs is somewhat of a learned skill when it comes to me. But it doesn't mean I like dealing with them either. Dealing with time bombs and landmines is really one hell of a journey. I've dated a time bomb. Hated it to the very core till this very day. I need a person who can be lively when I'm lively, and not dead when I need them to be nice. </div>
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Yes, I have to admit, I'm a rather...people-pleasing sort of person. I search for recognition from people, because I am the eldest. I grew up with encouragements and praises for what I did good, and also scoldings from what I did that wasn't good. So I got used to that life, and constantly seek for people's approval of what I'm doing. I guess it's sort of a given now, now that I'm in this different community that literally means seeking approval <i>(nowadays at least)</i>. </div>
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Having said all that, it just hurts when you feel someone you like very much <i>(platonically if it's the opposite gender)</i> not having replied you as enthusiastically as they did before, or as you do now. It just makes me feel tired knowing that I have to be careful around these people that I want to be good friends / close friends / long-lasting friends with the most. I don't want to piss them off, obviously. But it's just very tiring to know that you have to plan every step, so as to not overshoot their "like-ness" of you. It's very tiring to know that you have to placate them for them to like you as a friend, even though you very much just want to talk to them and tell them about your day and in turn ask about theirs. </div>
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I haven't written for a while. I guess there hasn't been much in my life that's giving me an inspiration. There's a lot worth writing. Just that I lack that motivation these days. Laziness is almost my middle name <i>*chuckle*</i>. Maybe there's been too much happening around here. Ever since that event ended, I find myself caring more about that other community, when I should have just been detached like I always said I should be. I don't really know how to balance things anymore. </div>
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My emotions go on roller-coaster rides far too easily. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothered with a world that seeks people's recognition, because it only will feed my insecurities far more than decrease it. But it is part of my dream, I think...or is my dream a part of my need to get people's approval? Should I stop that sort of feeling by stopping altogether? </div>
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Sigh...it's hard isn't it? Hard to be non-detached, especially when you never made yourself to be that way. </div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-87046623602443679162014-04-23T18:15:00.001+08:002014-04-23T18:15:27.445+08:00A day in a day...<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sitting here, I feel tired, depressed, dead, with no appetite. I threw half my food away, more out of the depressing feeling rather than out of lack of hunger. I'm pretty sure my appetite would be back soon, when I feel better. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Had a tiff with Ange, and at the moment, I'm just too reluctant to just say 'let it be' <i>(as always, you can say)</i>. There's a lot of time where Ange would not understand how my mind works, how disappointment is one of the worst things someone can do to me, especially after I've been looking forward to something, only to find out at the last minute that we're not going. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ange insist that he's said enough to allow me to assume <i>(key word is here)</i> that we won't be going to a certain place. Being the linguist that I am, being the arrogant, pissed off linguist that I am, my head screamed : If that is what you think is enough for me to start "assuming" then you can just go screw yourself." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) He has this habit of telling me never to assume. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So whatever he asks me or implies at me to assume without giving me a straight answer, can just fly out the window, preferably from the hundredth floor. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) He has this habit of "giving up" on talking whenever he thinks it's too much of an effort to argue. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ironically this doesn't happen with minor facts...or even facts that he thinks is right. This is probably my <i>kiasu</i> self talking for a while, but if you not talking means you "never lose" to me, bullshit. You want me to see your point, say it. Else I know that you don't have a point, or know that even if you put forth your point you will end up having nothing to say.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3) He didn't argue which led me to 'assume' that we're going somewhere other than home. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By saying "that place is too far" at the front, and saying nothing after I continue on and on about going there, he thinks that it is enough to allow me to know that we're not going to that certain place. Eh hello, I'm not a mind reader. I don't treat you like one, I'm sure. So blardy hell quit treating me like one just because your laziness can't even let you finish your opinion in an argument. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To the men out there, speak your mind or your silence will be 'assumed' as compliance or acceptance, especially after the girl giving one hell of a good explanation and case presentation. Never just put whatever she says off and just plan your own route and then only letting her find out at the end that she won't be going to where she wants to go. Not to be selfish, but at least tell it to her face that you guys aren't going somewhere, or deal with the disappointment anger that WILL come, mark my words. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Never ever let me feel disappointed, or at least without a good and valid reason. Not telling the truth of your opinion and then expecting me to know it is bullshit okay. You can take that part of you and throw it out the hundredth floor window now because that is going to land you in a pile of dung. You don't even see the depth of what you did to my feelings. And yes, it blardy hell is important.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The thing about girls treating guys as mind readers only is crap. Guys do the blardy same thing to girls, especially local men, because they care about their damned pride / don't care about making an effort to lose their pride a little. All that of which will cause people like me, who actually did make an effort a lot to go full swing to stop an argument, talk first after an argument, and insist on making it up. All you get nowadays are people who don't care shit about the other person when they're mad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did what I had to do, paid my dues. So why the blardy hell aren't you feeling what you're supposed to feel? Lazy? Go die. That's what I can tell you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And yes, I can be Irene Adler, screwing you and then demand that you please me. But I have that love for you which changes everything. I want to, but I can't bring my heart to do it because I'm scared of losing you. Do you care shit about making that effort? That TOTAL effort? Yeah...you can't be bothered because you're too lazy to make that effort. </span></div>
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Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-30787845751423038062014-04-05T17:56:00.001+08:002014-04-05T17:56:32.923+08:00Insecurities?<div style="text-align: justify;">
Y'know what? I've come to understand that Facebook has become a very dangerous entity for all those out there, especially those people that go "please notice me!". They sit in front of the computer for hours hoping that something interesting would pop up in their notification's box, better yet if it's from someone they admire. </div>
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I am here now to admit that I do all of that sometimes. I am very insecure about myself at times. Ange knows that very well by now and he tries to deal with it. But then, I am trying to not let it bother me. I forced myself to log off my Facebook a minute ago after waiting for ten minutes wondering if anything would happen after I posted a status. <i>*sigh* </i>This really has got to stop. But how does one stop being insecure?</div>
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Insecurity has always been something that's been plaguing me since my childhood. I search for approval from everyone around me, hoping that they would support me in what I do. I couldn't help it, my parents encouraged that and I didn't want to do anything to stop it. Being the eldest child, sometimes it's hard to stop looking for approvals because everyone around me is waiting to disapprove of me. And thus, I try my best to make them approve. It's a harmful cycle, I know. But after more than two decades of going through things like that, I am finding it hard now to change my habits and my state of mind.</div>
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I see other people's statuses being commented on and 'liked' and I get sort of depressed / let down when I saw nothing happening on my own stuff. Then I start wondering "isn't my things any interesting?", "Am I not trying hard enough?" or even "should I try harder?". Some of you would see me make an effort because I really am trying to make friends with you, please you guys, be the good / funny friend that everybody would love to have. Yes, I know it's superficial. Yes, I know it's shallow. But boy have I been trying to help it.</div>
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In my life, people who truly loves me will love me and be my true loyal friend <i>(and we all know how scarce that can be nowadays)</i>. On the other hand, those that hate me / dislike me / is indifferent really comes one too many. Makes me want to sit them all down and talk to them and ask them what the hell did I do to make them feel that way. Some say that it's because I'm that good <i>(in what I'm still not too sure, but still feels good to know I'm 'good' in something :) )</i>, some say it's because I'm good with boys <i>(easier to talk to than girls in general, where I have to worry about if anything I said will offend them)</i>, some say that it's because that I'm tall. </div>
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I don't know what am I trying to prove when I try to make people like me. So don't ask me that question. All I know is, I'm trying and I'm still not sure where the heck am I heading with all this. =~=</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-28563930022274855922014-03-05T20:23:00.001+08:002014-03-05T20:23:57.881+08:00A post to counter a post<div style="text-align: justify;">
Back at Ange's and I'm here looking around for entertainment. Lo behold, I clicked on Abigail's name on Facebook, and finding what I was looking for.</div>
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She posted quite a few 'shiny' pictures <i>(pun intended)</i> for the benefit of whom I still do not know <i>(nor am I sure if I want to know)</i>. Well, after splitting from Michel, it seems that she has got what she wanted, undivided attention. To be honest, the guy reminds me of my Ange. Sweet, kind, always could be there so long he's not working *laughs*<i>.</i> Though one thing that guy is that Ange isn't, is that the guy seems to be blinded. </div>
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Love is blind, that's what they all say. Oh love is blind alright. Not seeing how sick Abigail can be for attention, he fell for her hook line and sinker. I suppose I'm in no position of how much a person can love or be loved. I've been in the same position once. But I gave the other party every chance to change. Abigail, on the other hand, just fell defeated at wanting physical attention from someone, and forwent the one guy that would have given her the world should she have asked.</div>
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According to her, "asking" for attention for a girl is embarrassing for her. She couldn't do it <i>(so what was the point of parading yourself as a "handsome guy" when all you wanted to be is a fragile, normal, boring girl that's no different from the idiots I see a lot around)</i>. And thus Michel was put in the dark as she 'suffered' through being physically alone. She did not suffer. She was just too thick skinned to tell people that she's a girl and needs attention. Heck, even I know that I seek attention a lot. But from the right person, from my parents, from Ange, from the people that matters. With Abigail, apparently it doesn't matter whose attention she gets, so long she gets it. I have a feeling it'll backfire on her one day. As Ange said once before, wouldn't be a surprise even if she comes back with two or three, instead of just herself. </div>
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I pity Michel somewhat. In a way, he asked for it yes, by not waking up to her nonsense earlier. But he was the victim, I could see that. There was a lack of true understanding for him, where there was all the understanding from him that he could have given at that time. Should a more understanding person she could have been, then perhaps the relationship would have lasted. But knowing now what she is, ready to defy even the fact of life just so she can be right, I guess it's a blessing in disguise that this relationship didn't work out. </div>
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Figures. =/</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-50568518542158014572014-02-26T20:38:00.002+08:002014-02-26T20:42:14.915+08:00Marriage... or just plain lack of practicality??? <div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here am I sitting in Ange's room and contemplating one of the biggest things in my life, and wanting it to happen in an instant. I think of my classes and the room I'm staying in for the time being being in university. I honestly don't feel like going back there any time soon, although truth to be told, I was ready to be all matured and calculated when I came back for the new semester. But now, actually being in the situation of much love and care, I don't feel like wanting to be at all matured / practical and any of that crap. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before this, I wanted to marry early. Yes...marriage is an idea of freedom to me before, I think even now that view didn't change too much. Marriage is an idea of freedom when done correctly and all the resources are here. But then I got to think that I didn't want to leave my family so soon, to change my label of home, to change my name <i>(in a way)</i>, to be a part of someone else's family that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept at all. Then I had the notion to go through the stages of life like how every other person is planning: study, work, marriage, family. =3=</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the moment, I'm reluctant to leave the comfort of being in Ange's room while being here, not to mention the love of his hugs, kisses and company. I want to be able to come back here every night after class, especially after a hard day of school, knowing that he'll be there to hug and comfort me and to accompany me to talk. But being 'unofficially' together <i>(meaning we're not married)</i>, I'm not really allowed to stay at his place permanently <i>(although granted that other people have that privilege to stay with their beau before marriage)</i>. So now I'm having the back the thoughts of wanting to marry him, just so I can come home to him every night and not having to leave here feeling crestfallen or lovesick. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With that being said, I'm still not sure I can accept his family as my own. Maybe if we move away from them I won't have to be too close to them, regardless of what people may say about a supposed second family. At the moment, Ange doesn't have enough resources to get a place of his own yet, though I'm not even sure if he's planning for anything. This is where his 'no plan is a good plan' makes me doubt of the future sometimes. It scares me to think that I'm not even sure where I'm going to stay in the future. He may be able to stay under bridges but heck no I'm not going to do that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to be able to have a comfortable home like of my family, extended family and so on. I really want to just have a home of our own, where no other family stays in except our future ones. One of the reason is that I don't want to have to deal with any of the family members' <i>(one side in particular)</i> opinions about me being around. I don't want to deal with their critical eyes sometimes, it makes me feel small and unwanted, one of the feelings I hate the most. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realise that I may have sounded selfish, petty and perhaps tad bit materialistic, but I can't help it. I just want a sanctuary of my own, our own, here in KL, like the sanctuary I have at home. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can head out of the room to watch TV, to accompany a family member, to cook, to clean, to make myself a snack, without having to feel like I don't belong in the place. Because regardless of how I try to make myself feel a welcomed in Ange's house, maybe it's due to my being self-conscious or it really is the case, I always feel at least a little unsure of my place there, albeit knowing that Ange lives there and definitely wants me around. But then again, it's not his name on that house, so I guess the veto power to decide isn't with him. And I've been through an experience from his mother that I don't want repeated at all in the future, which is probably the reason why I'm so wary of being here, even though I really want to badly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>*nose wrinkle*</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is all a little overwhelming. I guess after me and Ange's anniversary celebration last weekend, I've been wanting to look forward to something else, to plan for something else, but something hopefully not too far away on the date. Perhaps that's one of the factors of me wanting to have marriage / engagement on the cards. My mind is highly segregated at the moment between two opinions, the practical one, and the not so practical <i>(more like dreamier)</i> one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why is it that the dreamier part of thought is always more attractive to the self than the practical one? Does it say that life is a lot less...dream-worthy...as we thought?</span></div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-12448313413399192932014-02-17T22:25:00.000+08:002014-02-17T22:25:11.769+08:00Cracking bottle...I need more just than a piece of plaster<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can feel myself cracking at the sides, needing someone to tape the cracks up for me. I am back now to KL and I can feel the homesickness grow. I was depressed for the past day, though probably distractions has <i>(thankfully)</i> kept my tears at bay. I've been depressed for the past 24 hours, although I'm not really sure why was I like that. I just knew that every little thing would trigger myself to feel a little bit sadder / number than I was the previous second. </div>
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The distractions that Noir gave me allowed me to be sane for that few 24 hours. But now as I get hungry in the middle of the night, one piece of Mandarin orange is enough to get me thinking of home, and there starts where my resolve to keep it in for now crumble. Tears are leaking out as the cracks on the bottle that holds everything start to increase one by one. It's taking all my willpower to keep myself from breaking in front of my roommate, which is not what I need right now. </div>
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It's only Monday and here I am wishing that I was able to break everything down last night. After meeting Noir again after a month, I feel the warmth that he gives me increase, asking me how I am and wanting to assure me that he's always there. I wanted to let go of everything right then. But somehow I didn't want to talk about it too much in detail yet as I didn't want the first night of meeting him after a month to result in a bout of crying and nothing else. And yet, after feeling a few days of homesickness even from home, and a variety of pressure landing on me and keeping everything in, I can feel my resolve breaking bit by bit as the cracks on the bottle increase ten fold. </div>
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Deep breaths are the only thing keeping my tears at bay at the moment, though not that effectively at bay. Perhaps because it leaked a bit, so keeping the rest in seems easier. It will increase again over time, I'm sure of it. But all I can do now is to hope that I can last till Thursday, because crying alone and in front of anyone else doesn't seem to help, only to duplicate a bottle and to empty one, not two, because I know only by telling Noir that I can feel at least a generous amount of relief. Telling my parents would be the best idea, but I have a feeling that telling them would release a lot more than just a bottle's worth. </div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-80096288190896745662014-02-06T00:06:00.000+08:002014-02-06T00:06:04.175+08:00Worries of the future<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm think I'm at a point in my life where I sit here and be confused and stressed about how the whole world around me has become. I used to be a child, with the biggest worry to be what homework I have tomorrow. And now, I am here, a grown-up in a blink of an eye, wondering where has the years gone and worrying about much bigger and complicated things that I sorely don't want to think about.</div>
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I know that we have to grow up as humans, but why isn't there an option for us to be a child again, even if it is for a few hours every week, a contraption perhaps that allows us to relive our childhood, our sweetest memories, at a moment when we pop to bed for a nap. </div>
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I'm scared of the future, not knowing what holds and not knowing what's going to happen in the next ten years. I want to be married to Ange by a natural path, no forcing, no prompting, no external triggers. I want to live in a comfortable house with the mortgage payments stably being paid off with a very comfortable salary of mine, I want to be able to send my parents monthly expenses - the same way they always do for me now when I'm studying, whether they need it or not is another matter. I want so many things to happen and I really am scared of the ambiguity of it. </div>
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They say knowing your future is changing it, because it has both good and bad, depending on what choices we make. I've always said it was best not to know our future, because from what I can predict, who knows what we find out isn't what we want to see (God forbid). I want my parents to live forever, as long as possible, to be happy and smiling and healthy. I want my relationship with Ange to be the strongest ever beside my bond with my family, ignoring everybody else's "good-natured" advice saying that there are certain things that wouldn't last. Well, news to those who are pessimistic and continue to stay so, the only thing that doesn't last is the chocolate that I just popped into my mouth. I am confident that every love I have will last, even to the end, it will last. </div>
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I'm not too sure what does this post do for me. I supposed I'm just spouting out what's random in my mind. It's just nice to have both a directed diary and a non-directed one. I can always choose who to aim my words at. And I can always choose where and how to write. This time has been one of those occasional inspirations that comes into my head, one of those inspirations that allowing my fingers to fly off the keyboard of my laptop right now. And seeing as it is here anyway, I might as well honour it by expressing whatever my inspiration wants me to express. </div>
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I guess all this worrying has got to me a little bit somehow. Ange's off to watch a movie <i>(again!)</i> and I'm pretty much just...thinking (?). Now that the main part of the Chinese New Year holiday is over, I'm sitting here facing a little bit of what I need to face in the future. This holiday is supposed to be my one holiday without pressure, at least the previous bit was. Passing the half mark of the holiday just makes me nervous, and knowing that my exam results is coming out isn't helping the stress either. I just want a few more weeks without having to think about anything. I just want to enjoy my studying life without people breathing down my neck wondering what am I planning for next.</div>
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Perhaps a part of Ange has influenced me a bit, or maybe it was always there, it just needed a supporter or a trigger. He doesn't like to plan for things, and I usually do. I like to be able to do something about it, to chase away my worries. But there are times where I won't be able to do anything but my best <i>(which usually means what I want to do, sadly speaking, it's almost nothing nowadays)</i> and I have to learn to stop planning for things like that. I want to be able to enjoy my time <i>(so-called free time of studying)</i> as it is without worries of the future. I want to leave those worries to exactly that, the future. </div>
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Maybe God can grant me grace, because Lord knows I need my prayers answered. I don't want to sound like I'm rushing or anything. But I guess when it comes to pressure, I'm just not the type who can deal with pressure very well. The certain type of pressure, like a deadline, possibly yes. But the type of pressure that comes from people, those I don't think I can deal with that easily. I'm just not made for people pressure. I am already scared left right center of whether I'm good enough for people <i>(yes I have confidence issues)</i>, I don't need more people pressuring me to live up to their expectations. </div>
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I love to analyse people. I love to analyse situations. Perhaps that is why I analyse myself quite a lot. I wouldn't mind listening to a professional's opinion about myself and my background, it would be nice to know why am I like this and that. Maybe I really should take up my friend's suggestion and just head to that professional counsellor she sees.</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-79381009465531082082014-01-23T22:29:00.002+08:002014-01-23T22:29:31.869+08:00A blink of an eye: The state of teens<div style="text-align: justify;">
What is it in the process of making friends that is so hard to comprehend? At what point are we trying to hard? At what point are we not making an effort at all? At what point do we just flip the table and say that we don't care? And...at what point should we start panicking of our lack of effort? </div>
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We humans are rather peculiar. For the typical, we tease and say mean things about people when their efforts in making friends are visible, in other words "trying too hard". For the not, we scold them and scoff at them for not making any effort at all, saying "no wonder they don't have any friends". And yet, when we want to try hard, we scold people for being mean to us, same thing happens with the other side of the coin. </div>
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I'm probably a little shallow to some people for wanting to make a lot of friends. I'm even trying to make friends with total strangers on the chance that they wouldn't know anything about me beforehand, thus no prior impressions or biased-ness. But when you see those same people not doing anything to make you feel welcomed, it makes you wonder if it is their mindset that dis-allow you from actually spreading your network. </div>
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I don't know much about typical teenagers nowadays. Not all, but most of the ones that I've met only care about their clothes, boys / girls, and b****ing about other people of the same species, being hypocrites along the way. It makes one wonder about what happened to our society that makes them that way. Of course, they're only teenagers. God forbid they grow up to stay that way though. </div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-89607900182099268412014-01-15T20:47:00.001+08:002014-01-15T20:47:39.476+08:00The Irritating that is Abigail<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello folks. I'm back here tonight to just key in what I've been feeling for the past few days / hours. Been snacking on some Wonka NERDs and I think I'm already rather addicted to them already. Ah well, they're pretty fun to eat, and that tangy sourness hits the right spot on my taste buds =3</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Very addictive I have to warn. =3</span></div>
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Hokay...well...let's see what do we have here. My friend Michel has again gone up and about an argument with his now ex-girlfriend Abigail. He wants her back oh so badly to the point he's willing to travel out to another state just to help her mother to paint the house on her request, after the break up. ==;; Sorta sordid if you ask me. I know he's trying to get her back <i>(fat chance on that side in my opinion, not that I want her to be back in my life at any rate, bimbos are the people I rather stay away from for my own health)</i>, but who on Earth who head to the mother's place just to help her paint the house after they've broken up with said girl??? Retarded in my opinion. =A= Granted, I may already be biased as I don't feel any love for that girl, but then again, common sense, when broken off, it isn't wise to not make it a clean cut.</div>
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Abigail's a psychology study ladies and gentlemen. Now, I know that this is a stereotype <i>(so forgive me)</i>, but one can assume naturally that one who studies psychology has the ability or has, at least, learnt the skill of being able to put oneself in another's shoes, truly in another's shoes. Abigail, however, is a special little one. She uses the skills that she's learnt in psychology to make other people feel inferior, and thus, unable to compare to her in terms of words and skills. And best part, the girl won't even listen to reasons given by many scientists that girls are born with more grey matter <i>(thus with more emotions)</i> and guys just don't have that. </div>
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Honestly she's going to be one of the worst psychologist in history of the world if she keeps that up. Can't imagine what her life's going to be. Thankfully Ange agrees with me at this point. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is the one with the guts to say things about her knowing that there's a risk that Abigail's going to be sneaking a look in on Michel's Facebook account. I'm rather of a scaredy cat of people's hatred I'm afraid. So I'm rather reserved on my comments, but knowing myself I still couldn't help but still to say something about her to Michel, further agreeing to Ange's thoughts about her. </div>
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Now the poor lad needs someone to talk to, and honestly I do want to help him. But I do have an early exam tomorrow that I have to get to, and also the fact that I'm going home tomorrow for a month. Not too sure how I feel about that, but at any rate, if not now, he'll need to wait a while before being able to talk to me again <i>(oddly it's not just Ange that he wants)</i>. To be honest I feel like I want to be able to enjoy tonight. But I guess I'm not too sure now. "Once in a while, a person has got to be selfish to save oneself"...is what they say.</div>
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Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-15871506589430495302014-01-13T21:24:00.001+08:002014-01-13T21:24:52.371+08:00Jealousy...an interesting concept<div style="text-align: justify;">
What is it about jealousy that eats at people's hearts? Is it that a green little monster inside our heads suddenly springs to life when he sees things that he thinks we would not like to see? Is it a natural instinct that us humans are unable to change or overcome or to avoid it from happening? I don't know what is it about it. Because usually jealousy is known to come without reason. But...what if jealousy came with a reason this time? </div>
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Good evening. It's been a long 2 to 3 weeks. Many things happened, many of them not too important as they're not about me. Thank Heavens everything that truly concerns me is good, happy and most importantly, safe. A friend of mine broke up with his first girlfriend. Poor Michel is in a grieving state now and I'm about to be off to provide him some company, along with Ange, later at night. </div>
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But that isn't my point today. I've met many things in my journey through life. I've thought of many things that can happen. I've considered many things that people expect me to consider before doing something. But not once did I ever think of having to consider a form of jealousy that is rather...reasonable...</div>
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What would you do, dear readers, if you see the love of your life, talking to his ex, with an odd manner while talking? The content of the conversation is, I trust, to be innocent. But then why hide the conversation almost immediately when one tries to view things? It contrasts, that much is evident. And it is the contrast that bothers me at the moment. </div>
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I know that I'm not supposed to be prying around. But granted, one does get curious of such things when it stumbles into our midst. One can't help but to pry. Even he has admitted to prying once, and to this day, that girl still doesn't know what he did. He did it with good reason, so I won't say anything. But as do I now, I do what I do with good reason. The conversation was hid from me, made to seem almost natural, that movement, but me being someone who notices things easily <i>(at least for things that I do want to notice myself)</i>, I tend to take everything with a pinch of salt. But it still did make me wonder about it. I didn't want to seem...distrustful, but the urge of wanting to ask about it was there. </div>
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I am a person who asks everything that comes to mind. But why am I trying to seem like the 'good girlfriend' that he deems me to be, when all I want to do is just to ask what on Earth, or why on Earth did he move to hide things? Is it to protect me? Is it an instinct <i>(like everything else that happens sometimes)</i>? Is it something that you didn't realize you were doing until you were doing it? </div>
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I ask from anything to everything. You wondered aloud once why I keep asking questions. I believe I've told him once that usually it could be for conversation's sake. But at certain times, when I ask something, I do genuinely want to know what is going on. But...how can a girl ask something like this, without seeming like I don't trust him? Oh, I trust him, I do. It's just that when there is a movement like that that catches your attention, your heart seems to just waver that bit of a little bit. Thoughts come into your mind...does he still care? Does he regret what happened? Does he this and that...</div>
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It is not something I can help, nor it is something that I am proud of. But it is something that comes natural to me and I supposed that I have to come clean about what I'm worried about somehow. I don't want to say that I pried because I was burning with curiosity. I don't want you to mistrust me ever, because I would rather not betray that trust at all. But she was the ex that gave up, you didn't. So any sort of movement, sentence, thoughts, that comes to light to my eyes, it will make me have that worm of jealousy, doubt, worry and insecurity in my head. </div>
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I love him. He should know that. But if asked am I jealous? </div>
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Well...I suppose I have to say that...yes...yes I am.</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-74959289131770139512014-01-11T03:55:00.000+08:002014-01-11T03:55:07.915+08:00Post-MS?<div style="text-align: justify;">
You know that one point where a girl <i>(or anyone else, I wouldn't know)</i> starts feeling irritated by every single thing that happens. Like a hair that fell on the arm and itches, like the scalp that itches even though you just washed it that morning, like the hair that fell on your face that itches, like idiot people getting under your skin and your brain is itching to tell you to shut them up <i>(you know you can do it...just that...well...they're still your friends)</i>. </div>
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Ange tells me that it's that time of the month's fault. But I seem to think differently. That time of the month never bothers me. But hell, all the other small stuff does. I had gastric pains on the way back home from The Legend of Hercules the movie <i>(legend my butt...saddest case of Hercules story I've ever seen - only in my opinion)</i>. Being hungry - the gastric obviously - didn't help my irritation, neither did the bad movie. </div>
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Ange tried his best to make me happy again. Knowing I was hungry he went to a <i>mamak</i> after dropping our friend home. I knew he was doing something consciously to make me feel okay again. But man I do wish that I know what's the reason that is bothering me. My theory is that it's all the tiny tiny reasons put together <i>(those irritating hairs!!!!!)</i>. I'm consciously trying to feel better again. Of course feeling tired / sleepy doesn't help. Thinking about that, it even led me to the thought that we have 24 hours in a day. Why the hell do we feel sleepy after what...14 hours? </div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-4503920046358168902014-01-06T23:42:00.001+08:002014-01-06T23:45:30.890+08:00Lack of thinking people do these days....<div style="text-align: justify;">
Heh...the essence of dating, as they say, is to remember to give your partner enough space to move around, so to speak. I'm all for giving enough space to people, seriously. But at least know enough to send me a word when you're going off somewhere, instead of when I ask, and then only you tell me that you've been off somewhere. If you told me beforehand, I wouldn't have needed to ask and frustrate now would I? =A=</div>
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Sigh...I really don't know what men are thinking sometimes. I get it that men don't have the same idea of safety as we do, or at least, in general they don't. The men I know almost think that they're invisible to the world, and God forbid even if anything happened, they would be able to handle themselves. But they forget that their loved ones are still waiting for them at home, wondering if they're okay. </div>
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Seriously guys...just think of the people who you know will worry about where you are where you seem to disappear off the face of technology. We all don't have powers to teleport us to wherever you are to make sure if you're okay. So just have the decency to just send word of where you are if you're planning to go off somewhere, or go off to a guys' night out stuff or something, especially if you don't plan to reply that loved one for moments of time. Trust me, it'll do you, and her a lot of good if you make that effort. =.=;</div>
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And don't give me the crap of you don't think that it's dangerous, or the classic "I'm okay what...", or even "it's nothing suspicious why should I inform also". I know most men would love to answer that. Bullshit I say. We girls love you for a reason. We just want to know if you're okay, and if all of a sudden if you don't seem to reply for hours, we worry. We accept that there's a chance you won't reply us during your guys' night out. But for goodness sake accept that we will worry and you HAVE to at least send word when we do ask you where you are, especially with a worried tone, if not at the start when you head out.</div>
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It's not hard honestly. Just type "I'm heading out with who who who", and click SEND. So hard for you to spare that 10-40 seconds <i>(depending on the speed that you type obviously)</i>? She's the one you love right? Shouldn't be hard to spend a certain few seconds just to ease her worries if any come at all. Think men. THINK from our side for a moment... =A= I'm already thinking of your side, so at least make half the journey to meet me in the middle. </div>
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Jeez...things men do these days....</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-60074457270488465202014-01-01T22:34:00.000+08:002014-01-01T22:34:42.076+08:00First post of the new year : 2014<div style="text-align: justify;">
First day of the new year of 2014. <i>*rolls rolls rolls about*</i> I have no inkling as to what I want to do now. Oh, I know what I should do, and that is studying for my French exam in two days <i>(but less than 48 hours </i>TAT<i>)</i>. But my heart is not letting me want to do it, and I can tell you, that's the highest level of procrastination I can give you. (._. ) When my heart doesn't want me to do something, the thing really can't be done. If I force myself to, all that will come to be is just much yawning and complaints of tiredness.</div>
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French, french, french....seriously I am never ever going to take another foreign language again unless I'm sure that I want to commit to that time. Studying for it is such a drag...compulsory, yes I know; but still a drag nonetheless. Now I'm trying to convince Ange that it is best for me to study beside him <i>(although I'm seriously doubting that myself...but then again, I have been known to act when I need to, I've done my best assignments with him by my side for goodness sake =3=)</i> but I'm not sure he'll take me up on that suggestion. O~Q</div>
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My first professional dressing up picture is already out, thanks to Michael Tang Photography. It reminds me to get a new corset, a decent one this time instead of a paper made one from "taobao". OTL Anything from <i>taobao</i> is only worth wearing once <i>(or twice if one really wants to push it)</i>. Hopefully, my next attempt at dressing up will be a little more decent. Thinking along the lines of High Priest, Ada Wong or Lina Inverse. Am currently leaning towards Lina Inverse now, but I'm sorta the opposite of how Lina looks like. She's Western <i>(from the name)</i>, short and has small boobs (-_-). I won't say anything further than that. =A=</div>
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On another note, I'm excitedly waiting for the Sony Xperia Z1 mini to be launched in Singapore and in turn, locally. Ange promised to buy me one so that I don't have to worry about my phone <i>(my sordid Samsung, although lovingly bought by my dad, is starting to make me want to throw it at a wall)</i>. God bless him. T^T Been racking my head on how to save up <i>(even if I do save up to a certain amount, obviously I need to save up more than that to actually want to use that amount (._. ) ) </i>and I reluctantly asked him. He said instead of the C that I asked for, he rather get me the Z1 mini so that I won't have to worry about my phone for two years. TAT I love him sho sho much! <i>(so touched...)</i></div>
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May the new year of 2014 bless us with all the happiness, luck, prosperity, smiles, safety and fun that exists. :) Oh yes, can't forget love too. >D God bless us all~ <3</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-4528749020189378832013-12-23T21:21:00.000+08:002013-12-23T21:21:03.447+08:00Comic Fiesta afterthought<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why am I avoiding everything that I need to face now? Aren't I the one who is supposed to be used to face matters head on even if it means getting me in a little trouble? <i>*sigh*</i> I'm not too sure why...</div>
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Comic Fiesta ended yesterday and part of me actually thought that I did well for a first time costume player. I remembered that one person actually asked me to take my picture without anyone's influence, and even asked for my name card. I was, and am, proud of myself because of that one person. So to her, I say thank you. Later, when my friend Mitchel took pictures of me, then only the rest wanted to. And even then I didn't know how to pose for them. Felt too awkward and felt that I couldn't maintain a smile more than 3 seconds. I didn't think all that mattered. And thus, I was happy. </div>
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Then today, I opened the social site, and took a look at everything. Everybody's costumes were awesome. Their poses were practiced and excellent. But what made my heart have a pang is the person who dressed up as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Esmeralda was my original plan. And I guess it is silly of me, but I didn't think that anyone would dress up as her, considering that it is a character less known. Not too sure why, but it hurt me to know that someone dressed up as her. I know there's free will and all that. But I can't help what I feel. Because it is due to lack of budget that I chose to dress up as a normal gypsy, which probably caused nobody to recognise who the heck I was. And there's that someone, someone who dressed as Esmeralda, not as good as the ones I've seen online, but good enough nonetheless for a local costume player. </div>
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Now, I'm playing Ragnarok Online to - in a way - escape from all those thoughts. People would tell me to distract myself so that I won't have to think about those depressing thoughts. Let me tell you something. Distracting usually never works. It only helps for that moment only. Solving the problem is the true cure to emotions being down. </div>
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I thought of dressing up better next year...then it hit me. Didn't I say that it would be a one off thing? I didn't want to get myself into all the drama, into all the pressure. I felt immense pressure before going to Comic Fiesta yesterday. I was scared that nobody would know that I dressed up. I was scared that nobody would ask to take my picture <i>(God bless that girl in the hall)</i>. I was scared of a lot things. Granted, I did try. And I guess to some people that's what that matters. But I guess I'm just bothered because I'm not even too sure if the people who wanted to take my picture after Mitchel did took it because they liked my costume or they just think that I'm a 'named' costume player when there is a photographer with a professional camera sitting there taking my picture with another person holding that reflector. </div>
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I also want to thank Angeline...I believe that she wanted my picture because she knew me. God bless her. She made me feel confident, at least that little amount. =) Thank you.</div>
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Ange encouraged me to dress up as a High Priest next year. Or maybe the lady from Resident Evil, Ada Wong, due to her being able to fight in a <i>cheongsam</i> as he says. The split up the thigh is a little bit too high though. Maybe I can find a solution to that. =3 Custom make it is this time. =)</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-22294147750286843542013-12-19T18:22:00.005+08:002013-12-19T18:22:55.202+08:00Annoying things about children<div style="text-align: justify;">
I seriously don't understand certain children sometimes. Yes folks...children, because as big as they are, they seem to have the common sense of a pea. Now let me tell you why...</div>
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I see so many of the new generation nowadays trying to 'wannabe's, be it of Western culture or Eastern culture. Hey I have nothing against wannabes, but at least get your concept right. I see people who want to absorb the Eastern culture, and then end up saying the word "bi**h" or "f**k". If you're reading this and you're guilty of the above nonsense, seriously, just stop. You want to copy a culture, go ahead. But don't go and mix up the culture and think that you're awesome just by "not giving a f*** about what other people think because life screw you too much". You're just being an arse. Just like everyone else that you like to criticise in your Facebook statuses. The Eastern culture that you happen to want to follow so much, doesn't even use a simple swear word ok? Quit mixing up the cultures then maybe you won't look half as stupid as you are now.</div>
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"I know I'm a bi**h but I don't care what other people think." - quoted</div>
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"Screw you I can post whatever I want on my Facebook". -quoted</div>
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"I'm so emo because life screws me over". - quoted</div>
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Eh aunty, you're only 14 - 15 please. What do you know about life screwing you over? Why? Because you couldn't get the comic books you wanted? Or is it your parents don't let you go out of the house so often? Ashlyn at home is your age but even she isn't as clueless as you are now. </div>
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And yeah you can post whatever you want on a social site. People still have a right to say what they want to say. If people call you narrow minded for what you said, think about it and accept their answer lah. They probably have a reason for doing so anyway, you probably sound crap stupid to them. Did you ever think of that? Vice versa I'll have to admit. But you're the one who sounds childish here. Kind people text you personally to scold if they don't want to embarrass you. Then that other aunty <i>(all of the same age, sorta shows you what sort of 'new generation' we have nowadays, God save our country)</i> come and be high and mighty about people not have the guts to put it in public. Eh mak cik, people trying to help you save face you want them to scold in public ah? I think if it's me I okay punya. At most you will be the one embarrassed only mah. Anybody who come argue with me without common sense memang die gao gao. </div>
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And thirdly, if you know you are a b***h, then change la mak oi! Very nice being mean and ignorant issit? Very nice being stupid issit? Very nice being called a b***h issit? This is called looking for trouble, then later go blame other people when they start scolding you for giving a bad impression. </div>
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Very stupid...very very very stupid.</div>
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As they say in the local slang: macam bodoh jer, macam bodoh jer...</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-86758594472644686062013-12-14T00:23:00.003+08:002013-12-14T00:23:58.415+08:00An odd lament<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ever looked at an ex of your beau's and stop and wonder: "Gee...their names actually clicked as a pair in my head once before"? Yeah...you're not the only one. It's not jealousy, not really. It's just that I knew Ange before we got together. Knew him for around less than a year if I'm not mistaken. He was still with her then, although probably already estranged, just that I wasn't in the loop to know it. But in my head, their names clicked together once back then.</div>
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I was one of the people who gets curious about certain people, and when I do I actually go to their Facebook and stalk their pictures <i>*laughs*</i>. Well, it was interesting to say the least, when I first got to know Ange. I added him on Facebook <i>(very highly unlikely that it was he who added me first, but there is still that possibility =x)</i> and we somehow just started chatting. I saved a copy of our conversations from when I just got to know him until the few days after we got together. One heck of a long conversation if you ask me. But all the more worth it to read back. </div>
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I'm the type that loves to read a backlog, to see everything again, to relive the romantic memories. I go back to those conversations and think with a cunning thought that the me back then didn't even know that this was going to happen, and the me now knows it. It's a silly thing to think about, I know. But it does give me a sense of satisfaction when I know that the me now knows something the me back then didn't, and it was something crucial.</div>
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Ange and I were...to say the least...very good friends back then. He was the person I ranted to about everything in my life, to be honest, I think he was the only one who would listen so patiently. =x As a person who can't really stop talking to certain people, he was a Godsend. So long he had the time, he would oblige to talk to me on an endless time period. And I really appreciate the friendship. It just didn't occur to me that it would get to this point with Ange. Funny how things can work out. =)</div>
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My dad constantly chides me about my past decisions, one of them being the decision to study locally when I could have studied abroad. Of all the things I may have regretted, I do not regret staying here. It is by staying here that I have got to meet Ange, and to be with him now, and I thank God for that.</div>
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Anyway, back to the original topic <i>(I do get off track a lot when I'm a roll =x)</i>. What I was going to say...the girl and Ange's name used to click together once in my head. I used to get a little jealous looking at her name appearing together with his, I wasn't too sure why, oddly saying. Maybe God was trying to send me a message then. It just bothered me a little to see her name there. But as I've said, I didn't know why. I didn't even acknowledge that feeling and just brushed it off and wished the man well. </div>
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I don't know why am I even breaching the subject here. But it just occurred to me as odd, because when I see her name anywhere near his now, I feel a stronger <i>(stronger, but not strong) </i>jealousy there. And now I acknowledge it, as if it's something familiar. No matter what, she once was what he fancied, I can't be all too comfortable with that right? But then again, I know have nothing to worry about. I trust him with my heart. It's just sometimes, the heart gives me a kick in the wrong direction that I know I should not follow, but am still thrust upon the doorway of that path anyway, tempting, albeit it being a very weak temptation indeed. Unreasonable jealousy was never a strong temptation in the first place right?</div>
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Looking at what they said again...yeah, the pang is still there. It's just something natural, I think (?). It's not easy seeing your beau and an ex being so friendly <i>(but then again it's not too hard either considering the circumstances)</i>. Technically I am on speaking terms with my exes. But most of them I rather not go near at all, knowing that it would open one hell of a can of worms that no one wants to face. Let bygones be bygones and pretend I don't know them 'cept by name. It's easier to live life that way isn't it? Let my new life take over and forget the past, if only to forget the bad memories. </div>
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Yeah it's probably the fact that I have nothing to do <i>(technically speaking, I do have assignments on my tail, just that RO distracted me =x)</i> that I am typing all of this now. But then again, I welcome these moments, regardless of the topics. I rarely get the motivation to write, let alone write so long a piece, gibberish put aside of course. Well, it's late. It's off to bed then. Ange's at the movies with Keats now <i>(sounds like the poet, doesn't he? =3 Keats I mean...)</i> and I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow. =w=</div>
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Have a goodnight folks. And a Happy New Year~ <i>(muehehehehe...)</i></div>
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Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-87025869165318920132013-12-03T20:46:00.003+08:002013-12-03T20:46:59.582+08:00Christmas month<div style="text-align: justify;">
Heh...the first post for December. A hectic month for sure for most university students, as most of us have finals coming soon, thus the assignment deadlines are looming near. I have deadlines too. But alas, my brain doesn't register the intensity of the stress when my body does feel it. My heart feels like it's a little chokey now, but my brain really can't seem to see any urgency or the high level of the assignments. Is it just me? Because all of a sudden I'm finding myself trying to get out of every single class / assignment with just the minimum requirements. This makes me doubt my ability if I really want to get to Masters. Probably that line isn't for someone like me. But I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the future.</div>
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Ah well...take what comes I suppose. God bless me.</div>
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So...CF is coming before Christmas this December. I already have my costume done and ready, just hoping that everything will go as planned. Don't you hate it when plans just get messed up at the last minute? The amount of effort you have to give just to make things similar to what you want or to make things to a level where it's tolerable for you. Heh...I'm having coscards made though. It will be a first time that I'm having any sort of card made for myself. ~(_^_)~ But I'm wondering if anybody will be ask for my coscard, seeing as my costume won't really be a normal cosplay costume, more to Halloween side of things. Renaissance wench / Western European gypsy. A generic costume. One thing about being generic though, is that I can change my costume to suit my tastes, anything I want I can put on: hats, scarves, make up, jingles even. </div>
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Listening to Christmas songs now. But it doesn't feel much of a Christmassy feel. Probably because I can't decorate my room <i>(nobody except my roommate will see it anyway) </i>and I can't play the music without the headphones <i>(roommate is already in bed - so early =A=) </i>because I can't disturb people with my crazy Christmassy mood. Perhaps when it's nearing <i>(a few days before?)</i> the day itself I'll start wearing a Santa hat, just to liven up the mood. Let people stare if they want to. Spreading the Christmas spirit is sorta more important. xD</div>
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Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4548115599771332153.post-87833665090234530562013-11-11T21:34:00.003+08:002013-11-11T21:34:45.549+08:00Bonded to pressure<div style="text-align: justify;">
Every single time I try to write, writer's block comes at me like an anvil in Looney Tunes. BAM!! it goes onto my head. It makes me discouraged to write all of a sudden. And who knows discouraged from what else.</div>
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I have been skipping a lot of classes lately, ever since they told me there wouldn't be any barring in school. I skipped where I thought it wasn't important. Like today's French class, I was tired. And my friend Nurul skipped too this morning, she told me. So in a way, I found an excuse for myself to escape too. Smartest friend skipping so it means I can too, that sort of nonsense. Yes...I know it's nonsense. And yet I can't find it in myself to stop it. </div>
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Ange's right. Most of the people in our country isn't ready or disciplined enough to handle a no barring scheme in school. Theory wise, it is up to us to decide whether we can handle not going to class. It is all up to us to decide whether we want to go to school to learn. I am here to learn. That's true. But sometimes it just feels too tiring. And here I'll tell you why.</div>
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I am a person who flourish better when around the people I love. If, let's say, I am staying with Ange, living together with him peacefully, I wouldn't mind staying in class. I know, my mind works in funny ways. And yes, I'm probably not disciplined enough either. It's just that, the thought of having to go back to my rented room, if rest is the only thing that is waiting for me, I rather go back earlier. Knowing that I will be able to see Ange regardless of what time my class ends, then I wouldn't mind staying for class.</div>
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Now now...I know it's a little twisted. But I really can't help it. I will always enjoy my day so long I know I am going back to Ange, or am going back home to mama and papa, but in this case<i> (please don't say bad things OAQ) </i>I think going back to Ange's holds more of a motivational thing than home. With home I rather go back faster, because it's home.</div>
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Why is it that I think that way? I'm not sure really. I just know that I want to be able to live with him, for me to be able to enjoy my day being away from him. This is because no matter what, I know I will always go home to him after everything is done for the day. Mama would probably have my head if she knows this...</div>
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And yet, for now I cannot live with him constantly. Not because I'm unable to at the moment. But because there is an external pressure that is coming at me, something that makes me want to stay away from that place altogether, but find myself unable to because that is where I need to be if I want to be with Ange. His mother.</div>
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His mother has been giving me hints that I shouldn't be staying with him at all, or the fact that she doesn't like me staying with him. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that I'm not thinking too much. I'm only staying with him over the weekends when I'm still around here. But lately, I've been getting the odd feeling that she's trying to hint at me to just not go back there so often, or at all. And it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to ask him to live somewhere else, if it isn't for the fact that he may not be able to support that much yet. </div>
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I want to be with him at a place where I can be myself. I don't want to have to freeze up my body involuntarily whenever I hear the mother's footsteps near his room, wondering if she's going to come in and want to talk to me about asking me not to go there so often anymore. I get scared every single time. And I'm not sure it was even important enough to tell Ange about it. I think by the time he comes home after every teaching session, I would have forgotten that I was ever afraid. </div>
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What do you think I should do? I can't do without being with Ange. I look forward to be able to see him in the morning when I wake up, and say goodnight to him in person when I sleep at night. It's something that I've drilled into my head that I must have every weekend I'm here, it's my way of escaping and relaxing every single weekend. Granted, staying here in my rented room, there is no pressure. There is only silence <i>(with the occasional roommate talking) </i>and relaxation, because there is no pressure for me to be here. But there is loneliness. </div>
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Without being with Ange, or being somewhere that has to do with Ange when I know I can be, I feel a little lost, not to mention bored. Seeing him, being with him, just being there, is just like an ability to breathe, it comes naturally. When he isn't around, and it's during the weekdays, my heart feels somewhat constricted. As if my body has already recognised the time with him as relaxation time therefore during the weekdays I'm not allowed to relax at all. But problem comes when the weekend plans gets messed up all of a sudden. I've been through that once a few weeks ago, I practically broke down. Thankfully, Ange (<i>bless him) </i>saved me from having to go through the weekend looking like the undead <i>(from bouts of crying)</i>.</div>
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I need Ange and my family with me at times when I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, my solutions are not what you call 'family-friendly' at the moment. And whenever I go to Ange's, I feel so friggin' pressured that I'm trying hard to life the pressure by trying to be chummy with his mother, but to no avail sometimes I feel. I've only known mothers who wants to show me solidarity <i>(albeit against their sons sometimes in mischeif~ hehehe)</i> and also friendship. So I really am at my wit's end about how to deal with his mother. And worse, how to deal with her when me and Ange actually finally decide to get married.</div>
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I feel like I really need him by my side right now, to ease this rope I seem to have on my spine. I seem to physically feel my stress and I know it's not a good thing <i>(and people wonder why I eat so much, ever heard of stress eating?) </i>but I don't know how to dispel away the bonds. I can ask him to come pick me up for a while. But somehow I feel so long it's late and I won't be going to his place anyway, there is no point, the bonds will just come back after he leaves me in the room again, until the weekend. I really want to live together with him. But what can I do unless he lives somewhere else? O~Q</div>
Kaitlyn Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473911022921228724noreply@blogger.com0