Insecurities?

Y'know what? I've come to understand that Facebook has become a very dangerous entity for all those out there, especially those people that go "please notice me!". They sit in front of the computer for hours hoping that something interesting would pop up in their notification's box, better yet if it's from someone they admire. 

I am here now to admit that I do all of that sometimes. I am very insecure about myself at times. Ange knows that very well by now and he tries to deal with it. But then, I am trying to not let it bother me. I forced myself to log off my Facebook a minute ago after waiting for ten minutes wondering if anything would happen after I posted a status. *sigh* This really has got to stop. But how does one stop being insecure?

Insecurity has always been something that's been plaguing me since my childhood. I search for approval from everyone around me, hoping that they would support me in what I do. I couldn't help it, my parents encouraged that and I didn't want to do anything to stop it. Being the eldest child, sometimes it's hard to stop looking for approvals because everyone around me is waiting to disapprove of me. And thus, I try my best to make them approve. It's a harmful cycle, I know. But after more than two decades of going through things like that, I am finding it hard now to change my habits and my state of mind.

I see other people's statuses being commented on and 'liked' and I get sort of depressed / let down when I saw nothing happening on my own stuff. Then I start wondering "isn't my things any interesting?", "Am I not trying hard enough?" or even "should I try harder?". Some of you would see me make an effort because I really am trying to make friends with you, please you guys, be the good / funny friend that everybody would love to have. Yes, I know it's superficial. Yes, I know it's shallow. But boy have I been trying to help it.

In my life, people who truly loves me will love me and be my true loyal friend (and we all know how scarce that can be nowadays). On the other hand, those that hate me / dislike me / is indifferent really comes one too many. Makes me want to sit them all down and talk to them and ask them what the hell did I do to make them feel that way. Some say that it's because I'm that good (in what I'm still not too sure, but still feels good to know I'm 'good' in something :) ), some say it's because I'm good with boys (easier to talk to than girls in general, where I have to worry about if anything I said will offend them), some say that it's because that I'm tall. 

I don't know what am I trying to prove when I try to make people like me. So don't ask me that question. All I know is, I'm trying and I'm still not sure where the heck am I heading with all this. =~=